One of the most difficult things I struggled with when I was cheated on, was understanding the why. We had just come back from a romantic holiday throughout Europe and a friend’s wedding in Napa Valley. Our relationship was filled with happiness so I thought, and it appeared that we reached a new level of closeness and connection.
Perhaps I was blind. Perhaps he wanted to sabotage what we had. Perhaps it was the alcohol. I will never truly understand why. I’ve learned that what happened had nothing to do with me – and everything to do with him. But while he is 99% to blame for what happened, there is also the other 1% – the other woman.
In this particular case, the girl was a previous coworker of mine. When I found out, I felt anger towards her. But, through time that rage has turned into empathy. I’m pretty sure that healthy women who have a strong sense of self worth typically don’t share their body with men who don’t respect them. I don’t know her story or what happened to her in her past for her choose to do that. I can’t imagine it’s from a place of love and confidence though.
With infidelity, it is always about the person who is in the committed relationship. But the other person is by no means just an innocent bystander of the situation. It takes one person to decide that cheating is worth the thrill of the moment and the other person to decide to get involved with a taken man/woman.
Were we born monogamous creatures? No. However, we (many in society) have chosen to commit to monogamy. And the gift of being a human being is that we have the ability to make choices to give in to our animal instincts or not. The aftermath of cheating is an ugly one, and usually, never worth it.
Here is the letter I wrote to her after I found out what happened…
Dear XX,
I have now heard the entire story of what happened that evening with you and X, and I’m not only beyond hurt, but disappointed. No, not because we have a close friendship, but because I believe there is a moral code between all women, one that we were born with. As much as we may try to silence it, make excuses to ignore it, or take substances to numb it – it’s still there.
My relationship has now come to an end. My family hurts. X has hit rock bottom. His family hurts. There have been so many tears and pain from not only us, but the people in our lives that love us. I want you to know, that your actions have had ripple effects, and has caused a lot of pain to good people.
I’m not blaming you – what happened would have occurred one day sooner or later in some form or another. But you do have a responsibility as a dignified human being. I am writing this to you not because I hate you, but because I hope, that in the future, if the moment presents itself where there is a taken man, no matter how happy or unhappy he is, how sober or intoxicated he is, you remember the power you have to be a part of destroying someones life, or not.
I know you are a good person, and never had intentions of causing harm. But your decisions define you. I hope, for the sake of other women and their families, that you make a better one next time.
Amy
Hi Amy,
My heart goes out to you. As someone who has experienced infidelity, I know the emotional and sometimes physical toll it can take.
The woman in this case actually had sex with my fiance in our bed. Both of them were involved with other people. He blamed it all on her, saying that she made the first move by kissing him at work. Then she ‘dragged’ him to her place and invited herself over to the home we shared. Apparently, she told him if he left me, she would leave her guy, but he didn’t. Just continued sneaking around. When I suspected and asked him, he said it was nothing, just a friendship. But I did my own investigation and left…but I’m sure, knowing his character, that he told her and everyone that he gave it all up for her.
He told me I don’t know what it’s like for a man when a woman is all over him. He asked if I could imagine telling someone to do something ( sexually) and to have them just do it? I am by no means a prude, but I respect myself, and no one will tell me to do anything I’m not comfortable with. He claims she has certain proclivities that he likes, so I’m sure he’s found his match.
When I suspended my own pain to ask him what about the pain that her guy must be going through, he asked me, “You want him to win?” She would give him ‘his time’, but when it was her guy’s time, he couldn’t handle it. If she went out to lunch with someone else, (not him or her guy) would make a big fuss to his friends who knew what was going on. The old saying came to mind, “If they can do it with you, they can do it to you.”
I lost all respect for him, that he couldn’t put himself in someone else’s shoes. Then he and his boys started disparaging her guy, saying that he was ugly and the like. It always amazes me that people could hate on someone who never did anything to them. A man could tell another woman something about his partner and vice versa, and they would jump on it and start this smear campaign…to justify their actions.
In addition, I lost about 30lbs in the process and he said, ” You should thank me.” My doctors tell me that my kidneys were damaged due to the spikes my blood pressure took. I guess I should thank him for that too.
What I think hurt the most was the fact that he was going around telling people, including his work ( whenever he got in trouble for being excessively absent – he would leave work to meet her at her place or a hotel, or to go on dates) that we were having problems…setting the stage as it were, when nothing of the sort was the case. I’m sure I got blamed for all manner of things without my knowing. But that’s okay. I know that truth will out , and Karma will have her day without me doing or saying anything.
Then after all of that and so much more, he had the nerve/balls/audacity to ask me to give us another try. Wow. I would have to really hate myself to go back there. My friends and family were upset because I left and never took anything or asked for any of the proceeds when he sold the house. I’m not fighting anyone for anything. Let them have it. Besides, he’ ll probably need the money to support his coke habit (as I came to discover after the fact).
Anyway, I told her I forgive her and that they have my blessings. I sold the ring, moved away and am working on healing my body and spirit, and finally reaching my full and true potential.
Oh my gosh, your post is so timely. I just found out my boyfriend’s(I mean ex) 2-year-old secret love child. And yes, I was thinking we were soul mates and all that. Still sort of confused about the whole ordeal, I began to take much of the blame because I moved almost out-of-state to be close to my parents after graduating from college and had the great idea a long distance relationship would work. After much prayer and sobbing tears, I finally rebounded. In the end I decided to forgive him and remain his friend to my surprise this is what he wanted as well because he didn’t like that I lived so far away.
What I learned throught the drama is sometimes in love you get hurt, really hurt, and it really sucks to get your heartbroken and have to experience the embarrassment of having to tell all your friends and family, however sometimes it happens for a reason and to the best of women to wake you up to what’s really going on underneath in your relationship. I know I didn’t deserve it, but hey that’s life for you, always throwing you a curve ball however, its how we grow to become strong women of character.
I think a woman is being a little naive if she think’s it couldn’t happen to her, take me for example, I thought my Mr. Right was a sweet quite gentleman the never to stray type and I had him wrapped around my little fingers boy was I wrong. You see, temptation is everywhere so sometimes you need to check in from time to with your man time(not in an insecure type of way please), especially when things are good, so you won’t get blindsided — though that might be impossible, it’s worth a try because a girl’s intuition sometime will kick in and start to take over.
The truth of the matter is it happens sometimes more than we would like to admit, but in the end it’s how you get through it because you must and you will. I really think that a lot of men self sabotage their relationships because they don’t actually think they would get caught or maybe it’s an insecurity of sorts like having trouble with the idea of sleeping with one woman for the rest of their lives.
The sad thing is, there will always be women (and men) like that out there. My sister-in-law was telling me that her friend’s sister was involved with the sister’s husband…her own brother-in-law. We have to pity people like these, because they truly are hurt and lost creatures. Like Amy said, healthy individuals with a strong sense of self worth will not behave like that. They don’t realize that the type of energy they put out will come back to them multiplied…however long it takes. Life truly does move in a circle.
We should also be grateful that people like this help us see our exes for who they truly are, and also help us avoid being perpetrators of that kind of behaviour. And think about it: would you want that type of person as a father/mother to your children? I’ve heard a quote recently “Be thankful for what you’ve escaped.” One preacher also said that we should be aware of the energy of the people in our lives, for it will affect us too.
Sometimes we are broken in order to emerge better human beings who are stronger and wiser. Often we are not living up to our true potential, and maybe the universe has other plans for us. We also become more resilient in dealing with other difficulties in life. And yes, what hurts us, also hurts our family and friends, and that can make forgiveness difficult. But forgive we must…not for them, but for us. If I happen to think of my ex, I send thoughts of forgiveness, love and light his way, and let it go. The world can certainly use more love and forgiveness. That’s the type of energy I want representing me out there. I still hurt sometimes, but I see and embrace the big picture. I believe there’s a saying that goes “An evil done, clings to the doer.” The opposite must naturally be true.Therefore, let kindness and love be your default way of living, and that is what you’ll get back.
“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future.”
Thank you very much for your post, and to everybody for their thoughtful responses and sharing their experiences. Knowing other people experience this pain doesn’t necessarily make it better, since I’m sad for everyone else, but seeing how other people coped is very helpful.
My ex and I had a very tumultuous relationship around the end due in part to distance. Throughout everything he assured me that no matter what happened, he still wasn’t with other women as he would never hurt me and knew that I would never hurt him. I think although I knew at my core that this was total garbage, I held onto it, thinking that when the distance would end, we would be okay. I gave my heart to someone who constantly reassured me we would be fine.
Little things never added up, but I never had legitimate reason to believe anything was wrong. Then one day a girl that I knew from work approached me in a pub and told me that she couldn’t hold in that her friend had been sleeping with my boyfriend on random drunken occasions, although this girl knew very well that I was in the picture. He denied it up and down until finally he let out that not only had he been sleeping with this girl, and several others, but he also had a new barely legal girlfriend. Upon finding out, she wrote me an email telling me that she was glad I had finally found out and that she knew about me all along but he reassured her that I was soon to be out of the picture. That day was the last day him and I spoke, and the hurtful thing is that I’m not sure if he ever looked back.
8 months later, I still get sad from time to time thinking about it and I still have those days that I hear the wrong song and cry. I no longer compare myself to his girlfriend, and I no longer hope to hear news about them. I feel pity for this girl, because I have a hard time believing that he changed over night and treats her any better than he treated me. While I understand that people cheat for many different reasons, I now accept that I wasn’t one of them. I will never understand how someone can break another person down so much, and still sleep at night.
At the end of the day, I have to remember the old what goes around comes around, karma speech that everyone gave me. But I also know that I’ve become a stronger person from this. I started running to clear my head, and now I’m signed up for an ironman triathalon. Each and every day I feel better, and I treat people with more kindness. I know that someday when I’m ready, I’ll find someone I can appreciate and they will be with the best version of me, because I’ve learned thats the only thing I want to offer to this world.
Thank you for sharing Chloe. I think this is a subject not a lot of people talk about openly, because there is so much shame surrounding infidelity. It’s an almost immediate reaction to doubt and blame yourself after being cheated on.
What I’ve learned is this. When someone who chooses to commit to a monogamous relationship cheats, it’s not because of you or something you did or didn’t do. It’s not because you are lacking in any way. It is because they have chosen to escape a problem instead of dealing with it. Whether that problem is within the self, or he/she was not happy with the relationship – a band-aid approach was taken instead of doing the real hard work that it takes to get to the root of it. Some may say that the root is that men aren’t born monogamous. Can’t say I disagree, but human beings can choose to evolve past animal instincts and they can also choose to break up with someone instead of betraying a commitment. A commitment which, if roles were reversed, and they were the ones cheated on, would hurt just as badly.
I remember thinking how my ex “got away with it”. That after shattering my heart, he was able to just move on without having to take any accountability for what he had just done. But I’m quite certain that those initial issues that caused him to engage in destructive behaviour have not dissipated. That takes a lot of hard work, the courage to be vulnerable, the intent to heal childhood wounds, and getting real honest with the self. A journey to evolving that most people choose not to take because it is too damn uncomfortable and inconvenient.
He may have “moved on” to another person, however those issues haven’t disappeared. They may have gone in to hiding, but sooner or later, in some shape or form, they will surface again.
It’s been 15 months since my breakup, and I spent an entire year focused on healing. Looking back, I can say that I’m thankful it happened. He was not my fit, and he was not the person I was meant to be with. The hardship and suffering that came with dealing with betrayal provided me with an opportunity to deal with deep childhood wounds I never dealt with, and I am now healthier than I have ever been.
I know, without a doubt, that the next person I attract into my life will reflect the health level that I am at now, a level I would have never reached if I didn’t fall down first.
It gets better Chloe. I promise. Have faith that this is all a part of a bigger plan. =)
I am currently in the situation where i was persued by this married man said he had an eye on me for awhile. came to the same work place because of me i was in a relationship for awhile and the married man and i became very close to the point of missing him all the time other people got involved telling me how he felt, he came to me one day and said i want to be with you , the way i felt and the connection between us was undeniable. I had to leave because it was ruining my relationship. He told me he was madly deeply in love with me and cant live without me i was his soulmate said if he looses me he looses everything, tears and everything dont give up on us, he wanted a life with me him his kids and a house, i fell hard for these words and then it became physical and he told me if it did become physical it would make the decision that much more forsure because he wasnt the guy who had sex with some one and just takes off well guess what he did a 360 i should of known butiwas taken with emotion and the words now he doesnt know what he is going to do or what is going to happen, he doesnt know the future.but he loves me though! but because of fear and security and being with out his kids is too great i am not saying this is right thing you shouldnt leave your kids and wife unless u cant
make it work alot stay for the financial and the kids it happens all the time. I am not this person who does this I am hurt ashamed and feel like an idiot and a fool because i fell for the wrong person and i couldnt see past the words and passion to see what kind of toll this
has taken on me i left a great guy for something i thought would be truly out of this world and now i am left with guilt low self worth and pain with no one but myself. this has been the lowest point of my life and trying to forgive myself for falling victum to loving someone i shouldn’t of. i wish i would of read these articles and listen to the pyshcic that told me he would never leave . I think the worst part is the feeling of being used he says he never used me his feelings were real and he always told me the truth and says i should just go back try to make it work.that i will always be the one he desires and wants and his heart will always be with me,the question why should he take me back and how can i without the guilt. I feel so alone and lost hard life lesson and maybe i did deserve it but what about him he gets his life still.
No matter how long you are in a relationship you should always work on it every day, it is work but it is what it takes. I do not agree that the cheater is 99% guilty and the other person that cheated with your partner 1%, sorry but the poor soul that was cheated at one point is somehow a little bit guilty , there are red flags a long the way and they are ignore because is easier and less painfull to pretend that everything is ok and hope that everything will be o.k.
I would love to copy that letter word for word. I had my ex of 5 years (someone whom I wore a promise ring with as well as he did for those 5 years and talked marriage) cheat on me with a friend I was in the process of moving in with. I left for home to see my family, and received a break up text message from him a day later. I found out 2 weeks after I got back, knowing who and what had happened but was angered by the fact he couldn’t own up to his actions. She became nasty to me, very unsympathetic to what she had done, and him, cut me off completely with no apology just pure spite from the both of them. Thankfully I am now in a better place, it’s been over a year, but I still to this day have to face her because she is a friend of a very good mutual friend, she will still not look me in the eye or apologize all the pain she caused. Very well said, and I would have loved to have read that during my painful time. Sorry to hear your similar story, no one ever deserves to be disrespected to that degree.