Why are there acts of racial violence? Why do some enforce that their God is better? Why do people feel the need to get married by a certain age? Why do some think they are never good enough? Our actions, our thoughts and our definitions are all born from the same thing – our beliefs. If you have a belief system that is strongly rooted in your mind, then you will act and behave accordingly. Sometimes we try to fix the result – the symptom – but the real issue lies in the root – the belief itself. There are some beliefs that serve us, and there are some that harm us and others. What are the beliefs that have hurt you or others in the past? What would your life be like if you continued hanging on to those beliefs?

Lately, I have discovered that some of the beliefs I have had may not be so black and white afterall. In fact, some beliefs were passed down to me from my parents, my culture, my friends, magazines, along with my personal experiences and perspectives along the way. I used to have a belief that that hanging out with a bad crowd was empowering or cool. In retrospect I don’t know how I could have ever hung onto such a belief.

Today I have started to question some of the beliefs I have on marriage, on what love really means, and the various definitions that come along with relationships. I have always believed in marriage….but if you ask me why…I can’t really tell you an answer other than that’s the way it “should be”. Do I have this black and white idea of what marriage should be, at what age and how because I attach certain values to it, or is it because I have been socialized to believe that’s what normal is?

In recent posts, I’ve discussed how my definition of love is changing. Today I just spoke to a colleague who has been happily married for lmost a decade with three children. He told me the secret to marriage is that the most important thing is that being a team, being best friends is far more important that being in love, or in lust as those feelings will fade or transform eventually and especially when children come into the picture. That was interesting to hear, as I have always thought you need to be constantly in love in order for a marriage to last or for two people to stay monogamous to each other.

I used to envision that life with my partner meant that we’d still romance each other and kiss passionately even in our 60’s. That the flowers continue and the love notes are still a regular occurrence. But perhaps my definition of marriage, of long lasting love was more of a fantasy than a reality. Or maybe despite the odds, my fairy tale would come true.

I don’t quite know yet, and I think it will take some more time, and experiences for me to really create my own beliefs on what is normal, what is real and what is not. I do know that your own beliefs need checking in on from time to time, because as we change and grow, some of our beliefs no longer serve us. And if we not look at our beliefs systems with objectivity and brutal honesty, we may never uncover the root of our patterns and behaviors.