The role that felt the most empowering of all was the fast paced, over-achiever. The woman climbing the corporate ladder, with a fancy title and a high salary that afforded nice material things.

That role gave me a lot of validation and was a large part of my identity. That is, until recently.  A month ago the company I worked for told me that they were downsizing and relocating, and within two weeks, my title and salary would be gone. Little did I know my sense of identity would go right along with it, only to be replaced by a conflicted relationship with my ego.

I spent the last 15 years of my life focused on achieving the things that society defined as successful.  Thus, not having that role to hide behind has been a challenge to my sense of self. However, I am learning that I’m no less or more of a person because of “what I do”, and that my job does not equate to “who I am”.

I realize that true success stretches far beyond the professional realm. Your values, the way you treat others and make them feel, your contribution to society, your relationships – these are all factors that define a person. Here is a quote that sums it up nicely:

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The next chapter for me is about personal growth. Sure, I’ll probably make another move in my career, but I’m going to stop having that role become me and define me. While it’s definitely going to be an evolutionary process, I’m excited for the journey.

In my near decade long career, I’ve been hired, fired, recruited and promoted. Similarly, I’ve made decisions to hire, fire, recruit and demote corporate colleagues. Regardless of what side of the corporate bench I’ve been on, I like to think I’ve played fair. By that I mean acted with class and respect. I’ve come to embrace the one reality of business that no schooling or mentoring can really prepare you for. You can give your all to a company; call corporate peers your friends and family, but you can’t change the simple facts. You are a number. You come with a price tag. And as quickly as you can be promoted, you can be tossed in the “position eliminated” pile. Nothing personal – it really isn’t. Business decisions are made to benefit the company, and sometimes this comes at your expense.

I’ve come to learn you cannot control how others react or conduct themselves. All you can do is stick to your values and principles. Always act with professionalism, grace and dignity when faced with a career challenge. Challenges are actually blessings in disguise. They stop you in your comfort zone and give you the opportunity to grow. It’s in these moments that you can choose to be a winner or a loser. The only difference between the two is the attitude and perspective in which you choose to see things.

I decided this time that not for a second, would I allow a “woe is me” attitude to control me. From my experience so far, these challenges — be it a breakup or a career change — always happen for a reason. When one door closes, it’s because another is meant to open. If you are caught up in feeling negative, blaming or playing victim — you may just miss that next door.

Some words of advice a wise friend recently shared with me: “in your career, you always have to be ‘moving water.’ Be it a flowing river, or the crashing waves of the ocean — always be moving. The minute water stops moving and stays still, it begins to rot. This is true in your career growth. The minute you stop learning, stop growing and stop facing challenges, your energy, creativity and zest begins to die slowly.

Choose to win. Choose to be better, every day. Try harder — put in the effort and the hard work to make things happen for you. Aim further. If you settle for less or put a limit to how far you can go — you will always stay within those self-created confines.

To resilience. To the choices we get that will ultimately shade our lives in gray or in bright, vibrant colors. To the people who’s unwavering support and belief empower you to never doubt your value. To the challenges that enable us to grow bigger, better and stronger. To moving water.

Put down your phone during meetings and dinners

Yes you are very important. But really, if you don’t respond to that email or ping immediately, will someone die? Will you lose your job or client? Is it that important to respond right away that you’d risk disrespecting the person who is present at that moment with you? Would you open a newspaper in the midst of a dinner conversation and ignore the person choosing to spend their time with you? The answer to both questions is likely no. We have created such habits of instant communication and the instant reaction to communication, that we trade off the importance of focus and presence with real life company. Of course, there are going to be exceptions from time to time, but unless you’re with a robot, it’s rude to be distracted with your phone when you really should be present with the person who’s in the flesh.

Don’t count on social media platforms to make or break plans

You sent your baby shower invite via Facebook events and shocked and disappointment when I don’t show up because I never saw the invite. When you have an invitation to an important event, you cannot assume that all your potential guests are glued to their monitors like you are. Pick up the phone! Also, do not cancel your plans with me via Twitter. Would you ever tweet that you’re running late for a job interview and expect that you’ll actually get hired? Again, pick up the phone. Or, if you must rely on the electronic transfer of information, make sure you get a reply before you assume the person received the message regarding the change of plans.

Relationships are based on an exchange of value

Regardless of the type – romantic, platonic, or professional – this holds true in any form of relationship. For a relationship to flow, there has to be some mutual exchange of value where a balance is reached at some point in time. In other words, “gimme gimme gimme” wears thin fast; especially in today’s world of relentless self promotion, where everyone and their dog have their own personal brand, and reaching out to a large quantity of people is easier than ever before. As my friend Devon Brooks, founder of Blo Dry Bar, put it best, “What are the ingredients you bring to the table? How do you make people feel?” People dislike feeling they are taken from – so stop thinking about what you can get, and think about what you can give. And in some magical way, attribute it to karma or some other crazy law of the universe, you really will experience that what you give comes back to you in some shape or form.

The old adage may sound cheesy, but it’s entirely true, “Treat people the way you’d like to be treated”. Don’t let distraction of Twitter and checking in on FourSquare allow you to disrespect the company you keep. The Twitterverse will survive not knowing where you ate for lunch today. Invest in the relationships that are right in front of you, ones that are built through time, trust and effort, and not banished with the simple “Unfriend” or “Unfollow” button.

Sound familiar? If so, fret not, I was once there too, and there’s also a whole lot more who are in your exact position. The good thing is, you’re just a stepping stone away from building the next layer of bricks to your foundation, of creating your career and hopefully one day, your dream job/position/role.

Here are a handful of tips that I learned along the way that I hope will provide some helpful tips:

Go get experience. Period. Unfortunately, an education is no longer a competitive advantage, it’s table stakes.  Employers care about the  skills you’ve acquired in past jobs that can be transferred and leveraged for your their company’s objectives. Don’t have any? If you’re still in school, do a co-op program. If not, suck it up and do an internship or volunteer. Everyone has to start somewhere. The value when you’re starting off is not the money – it’s the experience.

Brands matter. The fastest way you can make yourself appear credible is align yourself with credible brands. Try to volunteer or intern at companies that are well known in the industry you want to get in to.

Leverage what you’re naturally good at. Generally speaking, people tend to enjoy doing what they are good at. If you’re an extrovert, creative and artsy, you probably don’t want to invest in a career full of analytics and numbers. Also, understand that “glamourous” jobs are not what they appear to be. Every girl wants to be a fashion buyer, dreaming of a work day full of fashion shows and picking out pretty dresses. Research, and ask around and you’ll be surprised that buying consists of 70% number crunching.

Be realistic. Shoot for the stars, why not, but be realistic at the same time. No, simply writing down what you want and chanting positive affirmations taught in The Secret will not score you that killer job and high pay. Set your goals and break it down in to steps on how to get there and understand that it takes time to build.  I’ve noticed that when someone asks me about career advice and I ask what they field they want to get in to, the answer is either Marketing or Fashion.  If you’re in Vancouver, I have to caution you – the ratio between the amount of jobs in these fields compared to those applying is quite vast. I’m not saying to give up your marketing dreams, I’m in marketing myself, but be open to explore other industries and roles. Check out Monster.ca and other job sites to know what’s on the market, what jobs are in abundance and other fields out there that you may never even thought of.

It’s who you know. Networking matters. People knowing who you are, liking you, referring you and thinking about you when an opportunity comes up is something that can open big doors. Being a likeable person and an effective networker is not something you’re born with – it’s an acquired skill that takes practice and reflection. Meet people with the thought of “what can I do to help this person” versus, “what can I get” and you’ll be amazed at how people gravitate towards you.  Or, get a mentor to get you jump started. The Forum of Women Entrepreneurs have a popular mentorship program.

Support. There are many organizations out there that can be a valuable resource for you. YWIB (Young Women in Business) is a network that connects young women from a variety of careers and industries. They have an upcoming event called Beyond Pink on Nov. 19 – 20, a two day conference where 250 females will listen to a line up of successful business people, network, and take away real world skills.

Dress the part. How you present yourself matters. Dress for the part you want. Don’t dress like you’re going to a nightclub and don’t wear fake eyelashes or 4-inch pumps. Don’t wear flip flops, loungewear, yoga wear (unless you work at Lululemon) or sittin-on-the-couch wear. Don’t pitch your voice squeaky high and end every statement like you’re asking a question. Why? Because that makes you look unsure and not confident. Instead, exude confidence and if you don’t got it, just fake it like you know what you’re doing (hey, many of us are still just faking it half the time anyway!). Stand tall and try to stay calm.

There you go, that’s what I’ve picked up along the way in a nutshell. I’m not a career counselor nor do I know the secret recipe for getting the dream job. But, what I do know is that reading a ton of books on human behavior, sales and marketing and writing down goals with plans on how to achieve them has helped me. I can’t take all the credit, I owe it to a lot of people who helped open doors for me along the way, and I’m extremely grateful for my supportive community. But that, takes time, effort and energy to build too, and if you are sensed as insincere, a social climber, a name dropper or a wannabe, people usually will stay away from you pretty darn quickly. So be nice, offer value, and do random acts of kindness and service. Vancouver is small, so watch what you gossip (and mean things you say on your social media networks) and a big no no to drunk club pics for the world wide web to see!

Happy job hunting!

The on-line landscape changes dramatically and quickly, and you’d better be pretty Web-fit to keep up with the latest social networks, tools, and viral campaigns. Suddenly, MySpace is sooo yesterday and Google Buzz is slated to be the new black. Hi5 fizzled as quickly as it started, and, despite “experts” prophesying that Twitter would be just another fad, like it or not, life in 140 characters or less is here to stay.

Old-school ways of marketing and structured guidelines don’t apply in the social media sphere. This is definitely a challenge in the corporate world, where senior marketing folks’ knowledge of social media typically doesn’t extend further than reading articles about it and seeing their kids use it. Also, they’re uncomfortable with the lack of structure and planning that comes with the social media beast. Blog articles often don’t have a clear beginning or ending. They are written more like a casual conversation and are likely violating every scholastic and technical rule out there. It is a medium that defies most classical rules of writing and communication. Grammatical errors. Run-on sentences. Blasphemous? Unprofessional? Perhaps, if you’re writing for Harper’s or the New Yorker, but in social media, it’s the norm.

Has the reader changed or the media platform? I’d say they go hand in hand. Today, our generation sets up dates via text, RSVPs for parties via Facebook invitations, and gets news clips via Twitter feeds. We are bombarded by brands, logos, marketing messages, and companies who claim they understand us. Everyone’s a publisher, and there is an endless mountain of information and news to sift through in less time. We want our information in bites, with imagery to make it easier and more effective for us to process and comprehend. If a headline is over 140 characters, it is deemed long-winded.

In the marketing and business world, there are a few issues. Many marketing execs who have the authority to make decisions on social media strategy, resourcing, and direction are in the don’t-quite-get-it camp. Want to know if you’re one of them? Unless you’re a blogger yourself—and successful at it for that matter—and participate in social media on a regular basis, you likely don’t get it. Thus, you should enable the ones who do get it to make those decisions.

At the other extreme, there is an emergence of social media “experts” who claim they have the next social media solution that can save the day. Reality check. Social media is one form of engaging, participating in the dialogue, and building a community and following. It is one part of the marketing pie, and how big that slice is depends on the nature of your business and your objectives.

In conclusion, if you’re a company that’s riding on the social media bandwagon, make sure you have the people in place who have the creativity, the understanding of new media, and a voice and tone that is inviting to a broad audience. If you’re an individual trying to gain a following, make sure you have a personality behind your brand. That brand must be personable and relatable, and there should be value that you provide to your audience. Even though publishing a message to the world is as simple as the click of a button, always ask yourself if what you’re about to publish will give value to your audience or if it’s just polluting the digital universe.

For every lasting relationship, whether that be a business, romantic or platonic one, there must be an exchange of value. It’s a concept that dates back in history, when bartering was the method of commerce. But for some reason, in this day in age, there seems to be a lack of understanding on the very nature of relationships.
I often receive various requests that are along the lines of:

“Can I pick your brain”
“Could I get some free marketing advice?”
“Do you want to collaborate…”
“I have this event, we don’t really have a budget…”

However you arrange the sentence, if it has the words: no budget, collaborate, or pick brain – let’s take off the sugar coating and call it what it really is: GRATIS, also known as “give it to me for free”.

Now there is nothing wrong with giving or doing something for free. Starting out in my career, I paid my dues by doing unpaid work to gain experience. I volunteer and often provide free marketing and promotion services for charities and fundraising events. I help my close friends (key word, “close”) with everything from marketing advice, writing to styling. While there was no monetary compensation for the transactions named above, some form of value was exchanged.

Value is not limited to monetary compensation. Other forms of value include opportunity, fulfillment, gaining of experience, creative energy and networking to name a few. I work as a marketing professional and am compensated financially for my work and am paid for my creative ideas. I have invested a lot of time, money, effort and education in order to get here. So why do acquaintances and people I hardly know ask me to provide free marketing work so that they can in turn cut margins and be more profitable in their business?

I don’t think it’s a matter of bad intention, but since there is no official etiquette book on how/when /if one should ask for something, there is a naiveté and inexperience around the matter.

So before you ask someone for something for free, ask yourself if they are a professional in that area, because it it’s one’s profession, that means it is work, and work means you pay. If it is a favor, ask if you are in a position to be asking that favor. Is it an acquaintance, a peer, someone’s brother’s-cousin’s-girlfriend’s-mom? If you aren’t someone they consider part of their inner circle nor have you ever sent them a birthday card or know what their dog’s name is, the answer likely is, don’t ask.
Next, will you be making a profit? I understand you may be a start up, but why should someone bust their ass for you so you can make a bigger margin? PS. A business that “doesn’t yet have any profits” doesn’t qualify as a non-profit so please don’t use that angle, there is a difference between lending skills/talents to help people vs. helping profits.

Have you asked more than once? Taking advantage of the generosity and kindness of others is just greedy and yucky to be around. Really, if you are constantly taking and asking, people will avoid you like the plague. Lastly, would you do it for them if they had asked you first?

Of course, there is definitely a lot of gray area and exceptions. But I figured that since in the last two weeks alone I’ve been asked to be the spokesperson in a denture commercial, model for a ‘for-profit’ fashion event, provide marketing consultation, teach social media to a large corporation and participate in marketing strategy – all for free, I figured this article may help filter my inbox requests. At the end of the day, it’s about value – feel free (pardon my pun) to ask for something for no charge if you think in some shape or form the other party will get value out of it. Consider. Don’t just think of cutting your costs and what you can get out of someone.

Having a plan with a clear vision and a strategy on how to get there is an important if not fundamental step of achieving success in your career. However, does this same strategy work in developing ourselves in preparation of relationships?

I have a friend who was once in love with a woman. He wanted to commit, she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t her time. They decided the best thing to do was to break up. She moved away, he started a business. But after being apart, she realized that she was finally ready to put 100% into the relationship and wanted to build a life with him. But by this point, he wanted to focus on his career; establish himself first, and once his business was flourishing…then he’d be ready for her – for love.

Two years pass, and he thinks of her still, everyday. Then, one day, his phone rings, it’s her. In the instant she says his name, he knows what she is going to say. She was getting married. To this day, he wonders if he would have ended up spending the rest of his life with the one woman who had his heart – if he only realized that sometimes, there is no next time; and that the only time is the present one.

My friend told me this story and it got me to thinking. I’ve always thought there was an order that needed to be followed to be ready for love. I have to have a foundation and the independence and financial freedom of a flourishing career. I have to fix my bad habits and be completely at peace with myself. I have to reach a level of spirituality where I have ultimate understanding and love for myself. Only at that point, once I’ve accomplished those necessary goals in my career, my financial, spiritual and mental state, will I be ready for love.

A plan is safe, having direction and knowing where you’re going and how to get there is strangely comforting. That way, there are no sudden surprises that can make us fall. We like patterns, knowing what comes next – even if that next is distant in the future, at least we know right?

But maybe it doesn’t work that way. Maybe unlike our career building blocks, we don’t need to pave all the blocks in between in order to build that level on the top. After all, when it comes to the realm of love, no rhyme or reason or formula seems to apply. When it comes to love, a linear time doesn’t apply.

And maybe, just maybe, there will never be a better time. Excuses will always come up, distractions and bandaids for fear will always be a tempting habit. You are the one that decides if the time right in front of you is the one you’ll dare to take.

True, an ass slap may be regarded as harmless relative to more serious offenses. But the root of the act is symbolic – in this context, it was a derogatory gesture that showed that he saw his supposed peer as, quite literally, a mere piece of ass.

While North American women have made great strides in achieving equality, there are still characteristics that public perception naturally assigns to women. While yes, we can be business women, students, managers – we can often be perceived as caring, nurturing, mothers, objects of desire first and foremost. The characteristics that are often associated with females are the very characteristics that can result in a woman being perceived as less effective than her male counterparts(1). On the other hand, theories such as the Gender Role Congruency hypothesis show that “masculine-acting women were not well-liked by peers…being less positively valued and more threatening than male leaders”(2). It seems like a double bind – show too many “feminine” characteristics and be perceived as less effective, less of a leader, behave too masculine and be disliked by your peers.

Seems pretty black and white. Or is it? Can a woman have both? Can a woman be attractive and “feminine” and be truly regarded as an equal to the same degree as her male counterparts? Or does she need to be perceived as a “ball buster” or “butch” to gain the same respect?

Sexism, racism, and all those other negative ‘isms’ will always plague the minds of many – whether it be consciously or subconsciously. There will be many who are not aware of the deep roots of socialization that have trained them to see things in a tainted lens. There will also be those who are open and proud of their sexist perceptions. One cannot control how these people act and think, and I’ve come to terms with that. However, as long as I endure and behave with class, dignity and respect for myself and others, then screw the rest who try to take that empowerment away. I think that a woman can be beautiful, sexy, intelligent, successful and respectable just as much as her male counterparts without having to sacrifice parts of her identity. Some may criticize that such a mentality is not realistic as it is “pretending that the game doesn’t exist”, but I beg to differ.

And I plan on being an example of it.

1) White, Judith. “Mindful and Masculine: Freeing Women Leaders From the Constraints of Gender Roles”
2) Ibid

If one day you found out you only had a few hours left to live…what would you do? Would you look back and regret?

What goals would you have wish you reached?

Places you would have visited?

Adventures you would have dared?

Love you would have experienced?

In your last moments of life…what experiences would you do anything for – to live just a little longer so you could have lived your life to the fullest.

Those of you who know me, know that I rave about the goal oriented and positive culture of the company I work at, 1-800-GOT-JUNK? The other day, Brian Scudamore, the founder and CEO of the company, walked us through an exercise where we took 20 minutes to write down our goals. He discussed the importance of committing yourself to your goals by writing them down and also sharing that vision, so others can help you achieve them.

A study that was done on the the Harvard Business School graduating class of 1964 proves this theory. Only 5% of the 1964 class had taken the time to write down their goals. 95% of this group had achieved those written goals 20 years later. Of the 95% who did not bother to write down their goals in 1964, only 5% had achieved their expected goals. (Elements of Success – By Leslie Fieger)

“By writing out your goals, they become embedded on your subconscious mind and crystallized in your consciousness… Never lose sight of your goals. Never let the business of the everyday allow you to forget about your life goals. By thinking about them constantly and acting on them daily, you will steadily create the brilliant life you know in your heart you deserve”. – Robin Sharma

So let’s write down our goals…commit ourselves to them…share them and welcome the magic of the laws of attraction. Life can be a whirlwind of deadlines and days when there “just is not enough time”….but we need to remember that how you allocate your time is a choice you make. Let’s not get caught up and forget the things that we find important. Lets take the steps so that we are never that person who learns on their deathbed that they should have spent their life living. A great site where you can share your goals with people around the world and see who else shares the same goals as you do…check out… www.43things.com

Here are some of my goals that I would like to share with you…

1. fall in love
2. perform in a musical
3. record an album
4. learn how to play the guitar
5. travel all over Europe
6. be a motivational speaker
7. move to the East Coast for 2 years
8. write a book…or two
9. volunteer to and help change the life of a high-risk youth
10. buy my mom a house on the west side
11. adopt a child
12. take my mom to her dream vacation spot
13. become friends again with the guy who hurt my heart
14. have a dog named Charlie
15. become a certified yoga instructor in a 5 week Thailand retreat
16. hold an annual charity event that raises over 25K in its second year
17. launch my Event PR & Marketing company by 2011
18. write for a newspaper column or online publication
19. swim with dolphins
20. ride an elephant
21. take care of my dad and help him find happiness and peace
22. buy a loft in 2007
23. finish my DJing lessons and play a gig
24. to leave my “gift” with people
25. be a vegetarian
26. to be removed from the comfort of N.America and spend time in a third world country and find some way to help
27. to inspire young girls to find empowerment in their creations and intelligence, not soley their physical beauty and sexuality
28. learn another language and practice in another country
29. learn how to tango
30. grow a garden
31. to learn how to cook delicious meals for my family
32. to finish one of the many scrapbooks I’ve started
33. to not be jaded or resentful after a heartbreak
34. go sailing
35. go snorkeling
36. watch the Oprah Winfrey show live
37. shave my head – which will be symbolic of a certain stage in my life
38. travel to India
39. see all the 7 great wonders of the world
40. run a marathon
41. fly a kite
42. own my own vintage typewriter and make handmade cards
43. complete a cleanse
44. take vocal training/singing lessons
45. get kissed under the mistletoe
46. send something to PostSecret
47. vote every year
48. perfect my chinese oral skills
49. learn how to read and write chinese
50. create my website
51. write love letters and mail them
52. go on a roadtrip with no predetermined destination
53. buy a house
54. dance in the rain
55. make love on a beach
56. kiss on the ferris wheel
57. learn to surf
58. learn to snowboard
59. meditate regularly
60. read the bible
61. drink a cappuccino in a cafe in Paris
62. go to Australia
63. work for a cause I believe in
64. take a hot air balloon ride
65. be involved in the political arena to help shape social policies in Vancouver
66. ride a camel when visiting the pyramids
67. plant a tree
68. be someone’s mentor
69. shower in a waterfall
70. sing a great song in front of an audience
71. sleep under the stars
72. spend an entire day reading a great novel and drinking green tea
73. learn how to do my own taxes
74. skydive
75. defy gravity – paraglide Baba Dag, above the coast of Eastern Turkey
76. take a year off and travel
77. give birth
78. fly first class
79. smoke a cuban cigar
80. go camping
81. make out at the drive in
82. do the splits
83. be one of the top female entrepreneurs in Canada
84. experience living in New York city
85. be absolutely adored and loved unconditionally by my partner and feel the same way in return
86. watch the sun set on the beach
87. read the Koran
88. be part of making a movie
89. thank my grade 7 teacher in person for believing in me and making such a huge impact on my life
90. go on a romantic vacation
91. build a treehouse
92. roast marshmallows and drink hot chocolate by the fireplace
93. start a woman’s empowerment group
94. to cry in front of my father
95. learn how to pole dance
96. be greeted at the airport with flowers
97. to make a snow angel on a mountain
98. to not shop/support any companies who are not evironmentally and socially responsible
99. to help someone not feel so alone
100. learn martial arts and feel confident that I can kick ass if I ever need to use self defense
101. use my website/column/book to help people share their goals, secrets, fears and successes – and show the community that will cheer and support them through these experiences