A common complaint from my female friends is that a man puts his best foot forward during the chase and courtship.  In the beginning, they have all the time and attention in the world for you, they may wine and dine you, pay compliments and their words are nothing but sweet and complimentary.

But after time, when the relationship is solidified, and the man has “conquered”, something changes. Perhaps the man gets more comfortable and feels that there is no longer a need to keep up with the chivalry and extra effort, perhaps it’s just a natural progression of the different stages of love…

Of course, often the woman changes too. Whereas the first few months were full of lace and lingerie, easy going hangouts and late nights, fast forward a year and there then floods an influx of demands, routine, and sweatpants. Case of bait and switch?!

It seems as if sometimes, when you reach the stage where you’re comfortable in the relationship, there is a sense that “cruise control” is good enough. There is an idea that the relationship will maintain organically and subconsciously, and the amount of effort and energy once required to get the relationship started tapers off. This may work for some couples, however, what makes the difference from being just a “good” relationship and a “great” one, requires more than maintenance and reacting to issues. Instead, it’s being proactive and consciously making a daily effort to invest in the relationship. And in this day in age where your “I have no time” has become your mantra and you have more face time with your blackberry than human interaction, the choice to not let laziness or the excuse of the day take hold of your daily commitment is just that – a choice and a priority.

My friend told me, “relationships are like gardens.” – BV. They need to be trimmed, groomed, and occasionally, you see a plant or a fountain that just doesn’t fit anymore, and you move it, remove it or even replace it. The point is, the garden just grows wild and perhaps even with full of weeds if you don’t put the attention, love and care that is needed to keep it beautiful.

I couldn’t’ agree more. There are a few things I think are simple yet often overlooked when you hit the “comfort” zone of a relationship. Here’s some traditions I think make for great relationships and help harvest a beautiful garden.

Quality time – Make the effort and choice to provide undivided attention when together. While this may not be possible all the time, being distracted and non-present should be exceptions, not common occurrence.

Both people must be on the same page when committing to growing and investing in the relationship. If both people, everyday, think about how they can build the relationship and make the other person happy, the relationship will balance and flow.

Be polite and courteous. Never be derogatory or condescending even when joking around.

Give more than you take. Think of the other person before yourself. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes is the seed to compassion and empathy.

Don’t go to sleep upset.

Treat each other with respect, love and care.

Say what you mean. Do what you say. The minute you break a promise, even a small one, you lose trust. If you really want something, you’ll find a way. Excuses for not delivering mean you just didn’t want it badly enough.

Greet each other in a loving and excited way. I learned this from Tony Robbins. He made the comparison to how the excitement of when a dog greets you and how that increases happiness. I see how that really can set the tone. Imagine every time you walk through the door your partner greets you with the biggest hug and smile? What a great feeling.

And of course, communicate. Even the strongest love won’t prevail if there isn’t a healthy exchange of communication that is based in love and honesty, not pride and ego.

Components of my life have changed dramatically – my home, my career, my headspace…I guess you can say, I’ve grown up. While I will always be the girl who gets excited over a cupcake, daydreams of ballerina twirls, wears her heart on her sleeve and believes that romantic, earth moving, unconditional love exists, I am also a woman who has made mistakes, wasted tears, held back due to fears but, fortunately, learned a lot during the ride.

Today, I look back on my year, and would like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

On work:

You can create your destiny. Determine and visualize where you want to be first and foremost as after, you can discover the steps needed to get there.

Calmness is an acquired skill. Train yourself to handle the most intense situations with a calm, cool and collected demeanor which others will find reassuring and comforting.

Confidence cannot be faked. It’s energy. What’s worse is if you are insecure about the value you provide and try to overcompensate by loud theatrics, unnecessary comments or go off on a tangent.

If you are on the agency/vendor side – NEVER get too comfortable. Remember, your relationship is business first and foremost. Dress appropriately and when in doubt, wear an undershirt. I am your client and do not want to see your hairy chest during a pitch.

Balance. Doesn’t matter how busy or important you are, if you don’t get some proper “me” time and balance – your work, productivity, output, relationships and efficiency will suffer in the long run.

Dress the part, act the part, talk the part, walk the part, be the part.

“Complaining is not a winning strategy”. Come with solutions and options, weigh the pros and cons of each. Move forward.

A lesson I learned while working at DDB and with my current company. Mediocrity or simply “good” is not enough. Strive for greatness. If you cannot say that you’re proud of what you’ve produced, then don’t bother.

If it’s your profession, do not be afraid to ask for compensation for your services, ideas or expertise. Your time is money, don’t just give it to anyone.

There is a difference between being aggressive and assertive. As a woman, don’t overcompensate for your insecurity or fear by acting aggressive and bitchy. Be assertive – know your value, ask for what you want and have the data to back up your requests.

Always be prepared to pitch.

When I’m about to get emotional or take something personally over a work situation, I take a pause and ask, “What would a man do in this situation?” It helps me remove the sensitivity, hormones and unnecessary drama to move forward.

On Friends:

Your community is a key pillar in your joy, empowerment and happiness. Be open, share, give, contribute, bring value and appreciate.

Don’t be the chick who disappears off the face of the earth once you have a boyfriend. It’s lame, it’s old and quality friends don’t deserve that.

If you always come to the table thinking of what you can do to give and to make the other person happy, you will always win. The ones who are takers and who don’t add value to your life will eventually weed out.

As you grow, you can also grow out of your friendships. People change and grow apart, that’s just a fact of life. Don’t feel guilt or do things out of obligation because of that.

Make effort. Invest in your relationships with key friends.

On Love and Men…

“The most important relationship is the one with yourself.” Work on yourself, learn, grow, and once you are at a place of contentment and self love, that is when you truly ready to create love with another. No one can fix you, at least not for long.

Have standards, not expectations. Standards is a level of quality, respect and value exchange that are non- negotiables. You deserve to be treated the way you treat others. Expectations are the check list of unrealistic ideals and demands which is often rooted in a sense of entitlement.

Likes likes like. You like people because they resemble the parts you like about yourself. You also dislike people for this very reason. Who you are drawn to and draw in, are thus entirely due to your own energy.

Know your needs, values and non-negotiables. If there is a conflict of what needs can and cannot be fulfilled, it’s best to be honest and address it earlier than later. You have three options, one person changes, you accept the situation entirely for what it is, or you remove yourself from the situation.

Do what you say. Say what you mean.

Don’t ever take each other for granted. That’s giving up. Always try.

Know your language of love and what your partner’s language of love is. You can make effort to show your love in the language they understand (quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and words of affirmation).

You allow people to treat you the way they do.

Show compassion.

Relationships don’t go on cruise control. They need constant attention, care and effort. Whether this means dates, surprises, spontaneity or taking up a hobby to grow together, find ways to keep it exciting.

Always want the best for your partner and wish happiness for them. Even if this means at times you have to compromise, watch a movie you don’t want to or be patient with your needs.

Guys – when a girl is upset, insecure or just needing attention, sometimes all she really wants is a huge hug that tells her everything is going to be okay and reassurance of your feelings and support.

Every real man, has a plan. Have faith.

On Feeling Fabulous

Make an effort on your presentation. Laziness is not an excuse.

Be thankful everyday and share your feelings of gratitude with people the people who touch your life.

Give. Engage in random acts of kindness. Help people. Be kind and generous without expecting anything in return. Karma will come back to you ten fold.

Have a clean home and tidy desk.

Seek the goodness in others. People will become what you expect of them.

Do thoughtful things that will make others happy. Happiness is contagious.

Thank you…

I’m now on my 8th month of being a published writer in the 24 Hours. Thank you to all the kind strangers who have read my blogs and shared with me your own stories, heartaches, growth, inspiration and love.

To my friends, my amazing sisters, and community – thank you for showering me with love and kindness. I feel so strong, empowered and fortunate because you are a part of my life.

In grade nine he was kicked out of our high school. We didn’t see each other as much and one day, I found out that he got beat up pretty badly in some teenage brawl. I remember him telling me, “I’ll never let this happen to me again”.

I didn’t see J for a few years until my early twenties. We reconnected and it seemed like grade eight all over again. His core was the same – the funny, brutally honest, rough around the edges, loyal, sweet interior but hard exterior J. However, his extension of self, his external circumstances had changed – within the years past – he was now driving a fancy car, hung out with a group of known gangsters and was making a lot of money.

In this period of my life, I lived in a world of non-reality – where associating with gangsters was “cool”, where being in a group that intimidated others was “powerful”, where identifying with being a gangster’s friend or girlfriend was strived for, and thousand dollar dinners and unaffordable handbags were rewards of association. In this world, all the players in it have a different set of normality, of justification as a way of living, a skewed sense of “right” and “wrong”. In this world, obtaining fancy things was easy, being paranoid and trusting no one was a way of life and to score a gangster boyfriend who would support and spoil you and one day fund your tanning salon meant success.

Eventually, my group of friends split into two directions. One half decided to focus on real empowerment – getting an education, climbing the corporate ladder, moving away. The other half stayed and never shook off their distorted ideas of role models and the lure of easy money. Today, I still see these people out and about – and they are living “their dream” – gangster husband that provides lifeline, babies in Burberry, “front” businesses, and very expensive handbags.

It took the death of two friends and various incidents of J’s recklessness and self destructive ways for me to finally wake up. I thought to myself, I may think I’m invincible, but imagine how my family would feel if something ever happened to me, just because I chose to hang out with testosterone charged gangsters with anger as their guiding light. I made the decision to stop associating with J and cut him and his friends out of my life.

He acted like he didn’t care. But I know inside he did. After all, being in his line of “work” – trust was something hard to come by. I remember him telling me how I was the only person he trusted and I remember nights when he would call me, drunk, and tell me how he wanted to end his life. I remember crying wishing my friend would be okay. I remember us playing as kids, and wondering how we grew up so fast.

J was murdered last week – he was shot and killed instantly one sunny afternoon.

Today I attended his wake.

I realized that while I may have chosen to stop associating with him, the care, and the history – that doesn’t disappear. I feel sad for his family. I feel sad for the choices he decided to make and wished there was a “rewind” button – perhaps if he could see the outcome of his choices, he would have chosen differently. I feel sad that not many people ever got to really know his core, his innocence when we were just kids – before everything bad started.

Our twenties are a very decisive time. It marks the time where the decisions we make will set us into the main direction of our lives. Whether it be hanging out with gangsters, being careless with our bodies, building a career – this is the time where we decide which seeds we wish to sow. J wasn’t born a gangster or a bad person – but he chose his path – which while eventually led to his death – ultimately affected his family the most. The picture of his mother and father weeping for their child lost and blaming themselves for where they went wrong, and his little brother completely lost and confused with vengeance – that is the real result of his decisions.

Dear J (Buffalo as my family used to nick name you)… may you rest in peace. My love and prayers sent to your family…

For every lasting relationship, whether that be a business, romantic or platonic one, there must be an exchange of value. It’s a concept that dates back in history, when bartering was the method of commerce. But for some reason, in this day in age, there seems to be a lack of understanding on the very nature of relationships.
I often receive various requests that are along the lines of:

“Can I pick your brain”
“Could I get some free marketing advice?”
“Do you want to collaborate…”
“I have this event, we don’t really have a budget…”

However you arrange the sentence, if it has the words: no budget, collaborate, or pick brain – let’s take off the sugar coating and call it what it really is: GRATIS, also known as “give it to me for free”.

Now there is nothing wrong with giving or doing something for free. Starting out in my career, I paid my dues by doing unpaid work to gain experience. I volunteer and often provide free marketing and promotion services for charities and fundraising events. I help my close friends (key word, “close”) with everything from marketing advice, writing to styling. While there was no monetary compensation for the transactions named above, some form of value was exchanged.

Value is not limited to monetary compensation. Other forms of value include opportunity, fulfillment, gaining of experience, creative energy and networking to name a few. I work as a marketing professional and am compensated financially for my work and am paid for my creative ideas. I have invested a lot of time, money, effort and education in order to get here. So why do acquaintances and people I hardly know ask me to provide free marketing work so that they can in turn cut margins and be more profitable in their business?

I don’t think it’s a matter of bad intention, but since there is no official etiquette book on how/when /if one should ask for something, there is a naiveté and inexperience around the matter.

So before you ask someone for something for free, ask yourself if they are a professional in that area, because it it’s one’s profession, that means it is work, and work means you pay. If it is a favor, ask if you are in a position to be asking that favor. Is it an acquaintance, a peer, someone’s brother’s-cousin’s-girlfriend’s-mom? If you aren’t someone they consider part of their inner circle nor have you ever sent them a birthday card or know what their dog’s name is, the answer likely is, don’t ask.
Next, will you be making a profit? I understand you may be a start up, but why should someone bust their ass for you so you can make a bigger margin? PS. A business that “doesn’t yet have any profits” doesn’t qualify as a non-profit so please don’t use that angle, there is a difference between lending skills/talents to help people vs. helping profits.

Have you asked more than once? Taking advantage of the generosity and kindness of others is just greedy and yucky to be around. Really, if you are constantly taking and asking, people will avoid you like the plague. Lastly, would you do it for them if they had asked you first?

Of course, there is definitely a lot of gray area and exceptions. But I figured that since in the last two weeks alone I’ve been asked to be the spokesperson in a denture commercial, model for a ‘for-profit’ fashion event, provide marketing consultation, teach social media to a large corporation and participate in marketing strategy – all for free, I figured this article may help filter my inbox requests. At the end of the day, it’s about value – feel free (pardon my pun) to ask for something for no charge if you think in some shape or form the other party will get value out of it. Consider. Don’t just think of cutting your costs and what you can get out of someone.

I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to do the right thing – for yourself and for the other person. Our emotions, feelings and chemical reactions rule us –and it is the easier and weaker route to fall to what just “feels good” at the time instead of what is ultimately healthy and positive.

A breakup is very similar to the different stages of mourning the loss of someone. You will go through the rollercoaster of emotions – at first, a lot of sadness, loneliness and a whole lot of missing. You will doubt your decision and even make justifications. The next stage is denial. At this point, you will probably attempt to establish relations again. This part is very tricky. Everyone does it and it’s a very new age liberal way of doing things – but be aware it does prolong the healing and getting over process. Anger will definitely be another stage – where you resent, recount the bad memories, the fights and feel victimized. Then it circles back again to sadness, where you think you’ll never open your heart again and tread like a fragile bird, afraid of anything being able to hurt you again.

It’s been over half a year since my heartbreak, and to be honest, while my everyday is filled with great friends, tons of joy and lots and lots of laughter, there are moments, especially at night, when I’m alone, that I have my moments of overwhelming emotion. I still struggle with the fact that someone who I loved so dearly left me and so easily started a new life with someone else.  So when you see how I build up walls, delete potential men out of my life and fight so hard to protect my ego and heart – this is where it comes from. A place of fear – where all of my insecurities – abandonment and not being good enough  - looms over me as a risk if I open my heart again.

It has taken the advice and wisdom of good friends and family, beautiful songs, witnessing others in positive relationship to take me out of my jaded black cloud and believe in love again. I’ve realized that all I can do is be a source of love myself – embrace the love around me, cherish it and give and share it with others. That is my source of joy.

I’ll end off with a quote that always reminds me of you – a constantly changing, ever- evolving soul:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”.

Love,

Me.

Pleasure is fleeting. You experience pleasure when you have something – whether that be a person, a decadent dessert, the excitement of a new purchase, but when you don’t have it, you feel it’s  opposite – pain. Have you ever been in an unhealthy relationship where you feel pangs of pleasure when are together or share intimacy, but the minute he/she is not there or you no longer share those experiences you feel immense pain? Versus, have you ever truly, and sincerely loved someone and feel joy whether you are with them or not? You embrace the moments that have been shared, and that constant joy and love cannot be injured.

I’ve definitely experienced both and recently, a wise man told me the words “Move through life fearlessly. Who you are cannot be injured.” While I’ve always had a pretty positive outlook on life, these words were very inspiring. I’ve built some major defense mechanisms and walls to protect my ego and heart, to avoid pain or the chance of disappointment. But I have realized that while I may fall from time to time, I always get back up because at my very core, I have joy and love…and no person, no hardship and no external factor can take that away. Of course, I haven’t always been like that, and there are and will be many times where I’ll feed my insatiable appetite for pleasure… nothing wrong with that. But, I think it’s important we understand the pain – pleasure dichotomy as it will shape our lives.

We live in a consumer society where upgrading and the mentality of “out with the old and in with the new” prevails. There is always something bigger and better, the grass is always greener on the other side and suddenly, an IPOD that holds 10,000 songs seems primitive. Many of us lack joy, which is why we find as many ways as we can to fill the gap with rushes of pleasure. Below is a thought evoking excerpt from the world teacher, Jiddhu Krishnamurti:

“It is the struggle to repeat and perpetuate pleasure which turns it into pain. The very demand for the repetition of pleasure brings about pain, because it is not the same, as it was yesterday. You struggle to achieve the same delight…and you are hurt and disappointed if it denied to you. Have you observed what happens to you when you are denied a little pleasure? When you don’t get what you want you become anxious, envious, even hateful. Have you noticed when you have been denied the pleasure of drinking or smoking or sex or whatever it is – have you noticed what battles you go through?” (Krishnamurti, Jiddhu. Freedom From the Known. Chapter 4).

I’ll reference back to relationships, because I have a lot of female friends who are at points in their lives when they are sticking to the same patterns with men or about to make pivotal changes in the direction of their relationships. When deciding to pursue a relationship, or stay in a one, is that decision based on getting instant gratification, soothing a deeper issue of attachment or insecurity? It is a decision that will feed your appetite for pleasure and consequently its shadow, pain?

Can you experience something, whether that be the beauty of a sunset, an experience with someone you truly love, the magic sensation of a new taste or a perfect melody…and look at it without thirsting for the experience to be repeated? I think when you can, you experience tremendous joy.

-Annonymous

I love that quote and I think it applies to all of us at some point or another in our lives. Perhaps we lost a job, lost a friend or suffered a heartbreak… In the moment of that grand obstacle, you likely feel feelings of despair, sadness, loss, inner turmoil, fear, and a loss of hope that you will ever be happy again. But as a strong human being, you endure, time heals and you move forward. You find a new career, even better and more challenging than before and in retrospect see how if that first door hadn’t closed, another would not have opened. You realize that you will never be able to bring someone back to life, but the memories and the energy of them is a part of you which is eternal. You hit the final stage of grieving when you realize that yes, you will love again.

I’ve been through my share of what seem like losses at the time and now understand that those are just part of the various chapters of your life story. Some parts may feel better than others, but each part is essential to the story of your life. Of course, the upcoming chapter is no chance of the universe – and it is your decision on how you choose to handle the various obstacles and opportunities that will arise. I feel a transformation in 2009, and I am excited for a year of positive changes, growth and self love.

I’ve always had new goals and objectives throughout the year. I’ve been a great believer of writing your goals down and being focused on what you want to achieve. I realized that for the last ten years, my goals have always centered around achievement, financial success and career growth. While I’m thankful of where that mindset and vision has taken me, I think I neglected creating goals and vision that focused on me. The inner me that includes self love, patience, inner peace and physical and spiritual health.

Throughout my life I have been distracted with the chase – the next job, position or purchase. The thing is, if you are always running and thinking of the next destination you don’t have a chance to really appreciate where you really are in the present. And when things slow down, you realize you are uncomfortable with the stillness and maybe even that chaos and adrenaline is a preferable state. I’ve dealt with that discomfort by just starting the race again but in 2009, I’ve decided that instead of filling up a void with another distraction, I will work on myself and being content with where I am. My goals are very different than what they were just a year ago. My 2009 goals are focused on practicing yoga, nourishing my body and soul, reading more, expressing through creativity, embracing self love, love towards others and being open to love, growing past impatience and slowing down my mind.

This year is going to be a very significant one, full of change and growth. Thank you all who have been part of my story – whether you are part of my closest circle, a peer, or even just a facebook poke! I wish you all love, peace, patience and compassion.

“I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one that could always brighten up your day even if she couldn’t brighten her own.”

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” –Maya Angelou

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
– Maya Angelou

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

“When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on–series polygamy–until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.” – Tom Robbins

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

I’ve realized that the world around us will change – the dynamics of our friendships, our careers, the place we call home…but what is important is that your core stays the same. With that strong foundation, you will be resilient in times of turbulence and present in times of joy and laughter.

Tomorrow is another day of change, as my best friend whom I’ve known since I was a little girl is moving to the other side of the country. I’ve learned that in life you will encounter acquaintances, friends, good friends, best friends and blood. As changes occur, many times, the dynamics of the relationship change as that’s just the reality of friendships.

Well, linda is not just a best friend, but she is like blood to me. She understands absolutely everything about me, and can even read what I’m thinking by the way I sigh or smirk. We’ve watched each other grow up and have a bond that is very rare – our connection remains the same even if we haven’t seen each other for ages or speak only on cyberspace. We both know in our hearts that no matter what city we are living in, or how many kids we have, the dynamic of our friendship will never grow apart.

I’ll be 25 next month, and I am experiencing that phase in your life when friends and siblings start building their lives and going their own ways. They move away, fall in love, start their families…and it is beautiful and inspiring to witness and be a part of.

At the same time, and on a more selfish but human note, sometimes you feel a sudden sense of lonliness as the people you used to see so often go on a different path…where you are no longer physically there in presence. I admit, I feel the need to be very independant and accepting of the idea of being completely by myself so that I don’t feel scared of the whirlwind of changes that are happening.

Linda, I know you’re only a plane ride away…but I will miss you so very much.

Ngap ngap.

my lovely linda burgers