Then, suddenly everything I thought I was so certain of fell apart. My boyfriend and I broke up abruptly. At the time I was not working. I had no income, no home, and was emotionally damaged. For the second time in my life, since being severely bullied as a child, I felt like I had lost all control of my life.  I said to myself the same words I proclaimed at age nine: “I will never let this happen to me again.”

My outlook on relationships and work has changed drastically since last year. Why? Life happened, knocked me off my feet for a while, and in the process of getting back up, it changed the way I saw things.

Today my goal is to become a CEO in five years – a completely different vision from the life I planned out just a year ago.  While some may applaud (or sneer) at my tenacious ambition, I don’t discount that the drive comes from a dark place. I am quite aware that the same pain that fueled me to be an overachiever at the age nine is the same pain that powers me today. My vision is to work as hard as I can to continue building my career, continue establishing myself as a writer, and make my own money so I can afford the lifestyle I want – and do it by myself.

Who knows, maybe life will throw another curveball at me and my vision will change all over again. But if there is one thing I have learned, it is that just when you think you’ve got it all down pat, everything can change in an instant. And everything you think you know for sure, isn’t so sure after all. All you can really do is dust yourself off when you fall, and navigate your way the best you can until you’re back to good again. Those ups and downs that throw you off track  make life beautiful and worthwhile at the end. And it’s those same ups and downs that  inevitably what enable you to create yourself.

“Give up your need to always be right.” I find this especially important to keep in mind in romantic relationships. Sometimes we get so caught up with proving who is right and wrong, that we forget that when it comes to complex feelings and emotions, sometimes who is right really doesn’t matter.

“Give up on blame.” Blame is a scapegoat for taking responsibility of your own outcome. It is a lot easier to point the finger at someone or something else instead of looking within. Blame is not constructive. It does not help you or the other person – nobody wins in the blame game. The amount of energy and stress it takes to blame just takes away from you moving forward and finding a solution.

“Give up complaining.” I am guilty of complaining, but when I get stuck in that negative narrative, I try to think of Seth Godin’s quote, “Complaining is not a winning strategy.” Sure a good bitch fest can help with venting and getting things off your chest. But nobody on the receiving end wants to hear a constant stream of complaints, and the dialogue only harms yourself.

“Give up your need to impress others.” I spent my entire teens and early twenties doing whatever I could to be liked. I wanted to fit in and be accepted. This is an extremely exhausting endeavor. Especially now, with the proliferation of social media, managing what others think of you both online and offline is just plain tedious. When you accept that you are perfect the way you are, and you embrace your quirks, flaws, strengths and vulnerability, you get a lot more comfortable in your own skin. And when you’re confident, you stop caring so much about what everyone thinks of you. You stop worrying if someone will like you or not, because deep down, you know that the people who falsely judge you don’t matter in your life.

A few points I would like to add to the list are:

Give up being a victim. The perspective that you are just the result of all external variables deflects responsibility for taking control over your own life. It is unfortunate that sometimes bad things happen to the best of people. Life can be unfair, unkind and unjust. However, being stuck in a victim mentality does not nurture your ability to move forward and onward.

Give up feeling entitled. Nobody owes you anything. Nobody. When you approach life with the perspective that you are owed things, it’s likely that you will find yourself disappointed time and time again. When you are grateful for what you have, and see positive things as bonuses versus owed expectations, you will be surprisingly pleased.

Give up pretending. In a society where we are rewarded for perfection, we are constantly role playing. We try to show the world that we are flawless human beings in hopes that we will be liked and accepted. But the beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our love, our deep, complex emotions…our humanness. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic instead of perfect, we open ourselves up to have true connection with others. There is no need to put on a show. There is no need to pretend to be something or someone that you are not. You are perfect the way you are.

What limiting beliefs do you think you need to give up to be happy? Add yours in the comments.

In a world of Facebook, where we  see a constant stream of our  ”friends”  lives – from their latest vacations, Ferrarris, bottle service in Vegas, to ultrasounds – we see the image people carefully craft. Because it’s online, the ability to pick and choose this image is easy.

Every status update, photo, boast and tweet – is chosen to present to the world the type of person we want everyone to think that we are. There is nothing wrong with this. However, it’s common for people to pose to be something that they really aren’t. I don’t know if social media is to blame for the lack of authenticity that is running rampant online. Regardless, I want to call it out. To the people busy posing out there, here’s my note to you:

Please. Be you. Nobody who really matters cares about the image of the perfect, rich, successful, party perusing, popular, celebrity acquainted person you are trying to craft. People who matter – they care about your kindness, your compassion, your consistency, your love, your attitude and your values. People who matter see through the other stuff and know it is just a mask to hide your insecurity. Fancy “things” do not add to you as a person. They are fine to enjoy, but just know that they don’t make you any better, more loveable, and definitely not any cooler. Are there people who gravitate to that stuff? Of course. But is that the audience and company you really care to keep? I’ll repeat a quote my sister once told me, “Only impressionable people are impressed.” It’s as if there is a big circle of impressionable people constantly seeking validation trying to impress everyone else.

I have a lot of respect for people who have the courage to be raw, authentic, honest and… imperfect. Because as human beings – we naturally come with vulnerability, flaws, fears and complex emotions. That is what makes us beautiful. That is what enables us to connect and bond. When we try to mask our basic humaness and cover it up with superficial visages, we lie. We put forth a self that we think everyone wants us to be, when really, people just want you to be at ease with who you already are. Can we all stop posing now so we can really connect?  In the words of the famous doctor himself…

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

Albom’s quote sums up perfectly one of the fundamental reasons why many in our society are unhappy. We are chasing the wrong things.

We have heard it all before in theory. We have seen the viral posts of the top regrets people have on their deathbed, and not once does “I wish I responded to that email during dinner” make it near that list.

We know that we should make more time for our family. We know we should tell our loved ones how much we appreciate them. We know we should do more to show our love and gratitude. We know we should slow down. We know we should be more present. We should. We should. But we don’t.

And we keep doing the same things that keep us in a cyclical quest for fulfillment and happiness – a circle that loops without end. We place work as a priority over relationships. Exercise, making time to see close friends or taking time for some R&R never quite makes it to the top of the “to do” list. The words “should” and “some day” repeat constantly in our vocabulary. We always keep some communication or entertainment device switched on so we feel productive with every waking moment we have.  We buy things. We get bored of those things. So we buy new things. Bigger, better, shinier things.

Yet we’re still not happy. Studies show that depression rates have tripled in the US in the last two decades. Anti-depressant prescriptions such as Prozac have increased by 40% in the last four years alone. It appears that people in North America are getting sadder, not happier. The current system of how we define happiness, and consequently our means of getting it…is simply not working.

Shawn Achor discusses in his book, The Happiness Advantage that the traditional mentality of “If I work harder, I’ll be more successful. If I’m more successful, then, I will be happier” is broken. He explains that every time your brain has a success you just change the goalpost of what success looks like. If happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there.

Achor isn’t implying that people stop working hard or creating financial and professional success. He is however, suggesting that if you base your happiness on success goals, you will never be happy, because that goalpost is a constant moving target.

In the rush of life, the race to the top, and with the perception that happiness is the result of success and materialistic milestones; we often forget that everything we need to be happy is already right in front of us. Our health, our family, our friends, our societal contributions, our perspective, and our gratitude – these are the ingredients for joy. Everything we need is right here, right now.

The question is, what are you doing with what you already have? Do you nurture your relationships or keep them on cruise control until a crash requires you to pay more attention? Are you proactive in maintaining good health or will you wait until illness gives you a wake up call? Are you present in the moments you share with the people you love?

Are you chasing the right things?

Your romantic partners reflect your deepest insecurities, desires, fears and hopes. They reflect you. They come in to your life and regardless if at the time you feel that they are leaving you better or worse, one thing is sure: they provide you with an opportunity to grow. And that opportunity is either yours to take or to ignore.

We have karma. We repeat scenarios, habits and situations. The people that we attract into our lives are a chance for us to change that karma. We can keep repeating the same habits and negative cycles, or we can grow beyond those blockages and become wiser, stronger and closer to our pure potential.

When you go through a breakup, it can be quite difficult to have this holistic perspective. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, and the choice you have after the experience is completely in your control. You can easily choose to block out your emotions, blame and harbour resentment. However, know that this route only harms yourself and taints the next relationship you will have in the future. Or, you can embrace your emotions, be honest with yourself, and ask yourself what you can do within to become healthier. After all, how can you attract the “right” one into your life, if you yourself are not the “right” one?

I went through a breakup six months ago that was extremely heart breaking. During that time, I couldn’t find a way to see past the darkness, anger and pain. But fast forward to today, I have to say that I’m thankful for the experience.  As challenging as it was, it made me so much stronger, and made me re-evaluate my life, my goals and my life vision.

That challenging period of my life helped me grow as an individual and open up my heart and mind. I made active choices that propelled me on a path of positivity, health and happiness. During the time of my heartache it sure didn’t feel good, but if it wasn’t for me hitting such a low, I would have never reached this new high. It’s as if I had to lose a part of myself to really find myself again. Today I feel as if I see the world through a different lens, and everything is a lot brighter and beautiful. Not that the beauty didn’t exist before, it’s just that I never stopped to notice and appreciate it.

I have realised that everything is perfect the way it is. The universe may have a funny way of showing this perfect plan, but everything happens, and doesn’t happen for a reason. And I truly believe that when one door closes, it’s because another was meant to open.

The relationships that don’t work out aren’t failures nor are they a waste of time. They are meant to happen because they are preparing you for the person you are meant to end up with, and the person you are meant to be. Regard these people as blessings, because they are like teachers and the lessons they leave are a gift. But ultimately, it is you who chooses how to perceive these experiences, and your happiness depends on that choice.

A few points in his talk that really resonated with me:

“It’s not the reality that shapes us but the lens through which your brain views the world that shapes your reality. If we change the lens not only can we our happiness. We can change every business and educational outcome at the same time.”

“90% of your long term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world. And if we change it, if we change our formula for happiness and success, we can change the way we can then affect reality.”

“The traditional model “If I work harder, I’ll be more successful. If I’m more successful, then, I will be happier is broken for two reasons:

1) Every time your brain has a success you just change the goalpost of what success looks like. If happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there.

2) Our brains work in the opposite order. Your brain at positive performs significantly better than at negative-neutral stress… If we can find a way to become positive in the present our brains work more successfully.”

“You can train your brain to be more positive. In 2 minutes span of time done for 21 days in a row you can actually rewire your brain. Write 3 new things of what you’re grateful for 21 days straight. At the end of that, your brain starts to retain a pattern of scanning the world for the positive and not the negative.”

His talk inspired me to try the exercise of practising gratitude to help rewire my brain. I’ve started “21 Days of Gratitude” – where every day, I write/draw three things that I’m thankful for. Not only is it rewarding for myself as I find myself more grateful and aware of everything I should be appreciative of, it also lets the people I am thankful for know what they mean to me.

Care to join me on this exercise? Leave a comment and share what your grateful for today!

Imagine if we told our friends, partners and family members how much we love and appreciate them more often. Imagine if instead of holding on to positive praises for some day in the future, we expressed our love today.

Imagine if parents taught their children that regardless if you’re a boy or a girl, it’s okay to cry, to feel pain, to fall down, to feel scared…to be human. Imagine the emotionally intelligent men and women these children would grow up to be.

Imagine if women helped boost other women up, and focused on supporting each other versus competing and tearing each other down.

Imagine if we worked on loving ourselves first before entering a relationship with another. Imagine how much healthier our relationships would be.

Imagine if we said sorry more, forgave more, accepted responsibility more and took accountability more. Imagine the hurt and pain we’d help heal, both in ourselves and in others.

Imagine if we decided to go against the status quo and create new norms. Where success was based not on the size of your bank account or number of deals made, but on the wealth and health of your relationships, contributions to society and the people you help.

Imagine if we stopped chasing the wrong things.

Imagine if we put as much effort and energy into our physical and emotional health as we do in our careers. Imagine the longer lives we would have and the happier and more fulfilled days we’d live in that lifetime.

Imagine if we had the courage to speak the truth, to hold our friends and loved ones accountable, even when it makes us feel uncomfortable to do so.

Imagine if we stopped abusing substances, tranquilizing our pain and over satiating our senses. Imagine if instead we looked deep within to figure out the root of our insecurities, our shame, our restlessness and our fears. Imagine if we dealt with these issues instead of avoiding them with distractions. Imagine what healthier beings we would be, and as a result the healthier relationships we would have.

Imagine if we decided to create beauty. If the base of our work and efforts were rooted in giving versus taking. Imagine a world if we decided to contribute versus destruct.

Imagine if we were honest with ourselves and instead of focusing on keeping up a seamless facade on the outside, we put the same amount of effort on taking care of what’s on the inside.

Imagine your life if you were to change some of the patterns that hold you back. Imagine if you made better decisions instead of repeating the same negative habits. Imagine if you showed your love more, helped others more and made it an everyday practice to leave people better than how you found them. Imagine if you chose love, over fear.

Now, imagine if each and every one of us decided today to live life this way. Imagine what a world of beauty we’d create. Imagine how our children would grow up, how other children would treat our children, how much self-love we’d develop and consequently, how much love we could share with others. Imagine such a world where such beauty and compassion didn’t have to live only in our imaginations, but was an everyday reality. Oh, what a world that would be..

Call me a dreamer, but this is the world I want to live in. So, what do you say we go and create it?

A good friend of mine told me that “Your twenties are for f*cking up. You don’t act according to your values because you’re still establishing them.” His words ring true. While I think I’ve got a good grip on my moral compass and fundamental set of values, I’m still shaping my character to this day and will probably continue doing so for the rest of my life.

It is human to make mistakes. Some mistakes are witnessed by others and come with more shame, some are in private and come with more guilt. Some hurt others, and some ultimately hurt just you. In a life where trial and error is often how we learn, avoiding making mistakes is not very realistic. However, making different choices the next time around to avoid making the same mistake – is completely in your control.

Where we differ as human beings is the choices we make after we falter. I distinguish the difference in two different camps. There are those who use regret and remorse as a catalyst to grow and change their way of doing life in order to become better people. The consequences of their mistake serve as a reminder to do things differently to avoid repeating the same situation. Often, we need these experiences to teach us the lessons in life that ultimately shape our character.

Then, there are those who feel ashamed by their shame, and after a period of self-loathing and guilt, they resort back to their exact same way of thinking and behaviour. Instead of the mistake becoming a lesson, it becomes just another cyclical loop in habits.

When you make mistakes how do you respond? If your mistake leaves a trail of hurt and destruction in the lives of others, do you make amends and apologize with actions and empathy? Or are the people that reap the consequences of your mistake just a mere casualty of your disregard?

What builds character is not avoiding mistakes – it’s how you choose to think and act afterwards. Use your mistakes as opportunities to grow. And hopefully you can “make better mistakes tomorrow”.

I want to share a a video. It is of a talk a dear friend and former colleague of mine who discusses some of the lessons he learned after making a big mistake in his life. I have respect for how he chose to change his life after – using his experience to help him grow. Thanks for inspiring me Chris.

I’ve dabbled in health and wellness when it’s been convenient. I admit it really hasn’t been until my most recent hardship, a devastating heartbreak, that pushed me to get serious about getting healthier – both physically and spiritually.

I’ve started to realize that a whole lot of us, including myself, spend a heck of a lot of time, energy and money on making sure we appear impeccable on the outside. We decorate ourselves with designer clothes, diligently craft ourselves to appear of a certain stature and status, and do things against our better judgement to fit in with people who don’t even matter in our lives. We create illusions of ourselves to appear more important and special to others, but leave the inside neglected and in some cases, rotting. Of course this isn’t the case for everyone. Nor is there anything wrong with putting effort in to your clothes or appearance. The question is, do you spend enough time beautifying the inside as you do the outside?

I don’t think a lot of us do. And when your inside is filled with insecurity, fear, a feeling of inferiority, anger and other negative stuff – it eventually leaks out and has the potential to really hurt another. Your inner health effects your body, which effects your mind, which effects your actions, which effect the energy you put out, which effect the people around you. When you don’t work on nurturing your body and soul so that you are healthy on the inside, you ultimately end up hurting not just yourself, but the people who love you.

2012 is going to be a big year of change and growth for many of us. At least, I know it will be for me. I am going to explore treating myself better. Not with the typical way I used to do it, by indulging in a lavish pair of shoes or a handbag (don’t get me wrong, I’ll still pick up a pair of Louboutins here or there). But I will make it a point to put thought and focus on beautifying what’s inside, not just my exterior. I will do this by feeding my body food that gives me the nutrients that I need, by being gentle with my heart, acting with kindness and compassion, exercising patience (which is a virtue I do not currently have), taking care of my body, and remembering to breathe. With this mindfulness, I set to attract people in my life who share similar values and most importantly, integrity and character. I think applying discipline to creating new habits that will serve me, will also build my own character. Because at the end, isn’t that really what matters? I think Eleanor Roosevelt was on to something when she said: “Only a man’s character is the real criterion of worth.”

Here’s to a new year of becoming better, healthier individuals internally, so that we can be beautiful… both inside and out.

Wishing you all a joyful and love-filled day today. Merry Christmas.

And while I understood that only time would heal, priding myself as a “solution-oriented” person, it was frustrating that time was passing by so slowly. I felt guilty for feeling upset when there are such greater problems out there. While I was crying about my broken heart, I knew there were people in the world surviving broken homes and all other sorts of problems. But knowing that there were bigger issues in the world didn’t make my hurt any less painful. I just felt…. well, to be perfectly honest, a bit ashamed.

I felt ashamed that anything could trigger a dry heaving cryfest. I felt ashamed that my conversations with friends and family were constantly dominated by my drama and healing. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t just figure it out, solve it or move forward. I just couldn’t.

And then someone told me that what I really needed to do was to “just get over it”. And that deepened my shame even more. Because there was no magic button to press for me to just “get over it”.

And then I realized, there is nothing wrong with crying, feeling sad, feeling shot down and needing time to carefully recover and get back up. There is nothing weak or wrong about being vulnerable.

We live in a society where we are rewarded for moving forward, and the quicker, the better. We equate strength with those who can champion through any challenge or hardship with efficiency and speed. While this may work in the corporate world, it doesn’t work with matters of the heart. It doesn’t work with mourning loss, or when dealing with deep, powerful emotions.

In my opinion, I think males are especially socialized this way, and it has damaging spiritual and emotional consequences. They are taught to be strong, to numb pain and emotions, move forward and keep a poker face. Instead of mourning, or really healing what’s going on inside, the emotion is suppressed, ignored or tranquilized. Unfortunately, it does eventually come out sooner or later, in some shape or form. And usually when it does, it comes back more powerful and destructive than in the beginning. It is not weak to tend to your healing, in fact, it is quite the opposite. True courage is not blocking out your emotions, it’s having the strength to deal with them, to handle yourself and others with care even when you’re down. Courage is having the strength to be vulnerable.

I’ve decided to embrace this period in my life and honor myself in the process of grieving. I’ve decided to stop feeling ashamed or disappointed in myself for not being able to “get over it” like I would a scratch on my car. This is a matter of the heart – and when you disconnect yourself from that, you really don’t have much at all do you?

So I challenge you – both men and women. The next time life throws you a curveball (or two), and you feel hurt and pain, allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t numb it, don’t take a pill to ease it, and don’t hate yourself for feeling a bit broken. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel, to fall, to take your sweet time to get back up – to be human. And when you are ready, then dust yourself off and get back on your two feet. But only when you are ready.

I fall. I cry. I get back up.

Sometimes, it just takes longer than others. But when I cry, the tears means pain is just leaving my body. I guess I have a lot of pain to get out, but I’ll get there eventually. We always do, don’t we?

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image) Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”

The role that felt the most empowering of all was the fast paced, over-achiever. The woman climbing the corporate ladder, with a fancy title and a high salary that afforded nice material things.

That role gave me a lot of validation and was a large part of my identity. That is, until recently.  A month ago the company I worked for told me that they were downsizing and relocating, and within two weeks, my title and salary would be gone. Little did I know my sense of identity would go right along with it, only to be replaced by a conflicted relationship with my ego.

I spent the last 15 years of my life focused on achieving the things that society defined as successful.  Thus, not having that role to hide behind has been a challenge to my sense of self. However, I am learning that I’m no less or more of a person because of “what I do”, and that my job does not equate to “who I am”.

I realize that true success stretches far beyond the professional realm. Your values, the way you treat others and make them feel, your contribution to society, your relationships – these are all factors that define a person. Here is a quote that sums it up nicely:

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The next chapter for me is about personal growth. Sure, I’ll probably make another move in my career, but I’m going to stop having that role become me and define me. While it’s definitely going to be an evolutionary process, I’m excited for the journey.

Are these people born this way? Is attitude something that is dictated by one’s genes or socialization? In my opinion, I believe attitude is a choice. Yep, everyday you make a choice on how you will see and do the world. The same goes for how you approach and perceive your relationships, your opportunities and your “luck”. You can choose to react to the external variables in a way that it controls you, or you can refuse to have your attitude shaken by the universe’s curveballs.

When I look back at my own history, I know this to be true, for me at least. I’ve had times where I’ve given up and accepted defeat; spiraling into an emotional black hole. Then there’ve been times where I’ve decided to stay positive, even find humor in the situation, and focused on finding a solution versus being engulfed in hopelessness. The catalyst wasn’t any different in these two different scenarios. While the particular challenge may have taken a different form, my attitude is what changed the outcome.

I have realized that I can choose to sulk, have a “woe is me” mentality and be a victim of bad luck. Or, I can accept that challenges, roadblocks, ebbs and even unpredictable disasters are just a part of life. I could sit there and let these disruptions control me. Or, I could maintain a consistently positive attitude, perspective and way of dealing with these matters in way that has impact and effect.

The scary part is, once you accept that you really do hold the power to make a choice, you take responsibility for your own life and happiness. You have no one and nothing else to blame. It’s a lot easier to point fingers – to imagine that life, work, and relationships would be better if only someone did something differently.  But get rid of the scapegoat, and all you have left to hold accountable is you.

I still have my negative spirals but I’m learning how to proactively get myself out of a rut. Some actions that have helped me include watching inspirational talks and speakers online every morning, taking “me” time to decompress and relax and writing down goals and solutions. The writing part helps because you can visualize where you want to be, what you want to change and the actual tangible steps you can take to get there. When you have a direction to head towards, even if the steps are small, you suddenly stop feeling hopeless as you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Tweaking your mentality can have the greatest impact. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the emotions of everything that we forget that a winning attitude and a leadership mentality are trained. It’s something that has to be practiced, grown and cultivated. It’s a choice.

I’ll leave you with a quote that I draw inspiration from:

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

It is arguable that the people in both group “b” and “c” should fall under the same category, but I’ll leave that to another day. What I find interesting is that the people in group “a” all seem to understand this unspoken rule, and therefore do life and their relationships according to this value system. The flow and exchange is effortless, and happens organically.

In contrast, the people who fall in the latter group do life differently. These people constantly ask for, want and take. Seldom do they think “What value can I provide?” let alone, “How can I help?” Or, if help is offered or a favor bestowed, there is a “tit-for-tat” mentality where they feel owed.

There is a blurring of lines of course. I admit that there have been times where I’ve lent a hand or gone out of my way to do a favor and felt disappointed in the lack of reciprocation. I understand that I was probably doing the favor for the wrong reasons in the first place. In order to avoid this situation and future resentment, I try to steer clear of doing things out of sheer obligation. Also, I often will stop and do a gut check – if I’m feeling anxiety or pressure in order to do something for another, that’s likely a red flag that I need to get in tune with why I’m doing it in the first place. When I don’t or go ahead and do it anyway, I only find myself high on expectations and low on disappointment.

The rules of reciprocity are something that can be learned from culture, upbringing, experience and influence. Or maybe it’s just something you’re born knowing. Regardless, it’s possible that someone has good intentions but just lacks the understanding of this value due to their upbringing and environment.

Here are some questions that can help:

Would You Do the Same?

When you give, or make the effort to add value or help when you can, it seems to magically work out in the end. Perhaps it’s karma or the law of the universe, but somehow, sometime, somewhere, it does come back. Ask yourself the next time you are requesting a favor, asking for help, wanting a free service – would you do the same?

Do You Only Call When You Need Something?

If you haven’t spoken to someone for a long time and the only time you contact them is to ask for something, take a second to think if it’s appropriate. Old friends can definitely call each other up out of the blue when the time/need permits, but I’m referring to the type of relationship where you only make contact when you want something.

Do You Give Back?

When someone does something to help you – make note of it in the memory bank.  I’m not saying that you have to return the favor right away, but be aware of the time and opportunity where you could do something nice back. It’s a win-win situation.

Is it My Profession?

If you are someone in my inner circle, meaning we likely communicate on a somewhat regular basis and you know the major happenings of my life, you are invited to ask me for help in the professional realm. However, if you’re not in my inner circle, (and no, saying “Happy Birthday” on my Facebook wall doesn’t make the cut), then do not ask me to do things that is part of my profession – for free. This is especially true when you are making financial gain from my free labor. Payment does not have to be monetary, but if you are asking someone to provide a service that they do as a professional career, please offer some sort of value exchange in return.

As I get older, I find that as my circle of acquaintances grows larger, my core group of really close, quality friends gets smaller and smaller. Perhaps it’s a natural evolution in life, or maybe it’s me realizing more and more that time is precious, and best spent on people you really love and care about. I haven’t always been like this, in fact, I used to try to give too much to too many, often feeling drained or exhausted afterwards. I learned to be conscious of whom you invest your energy in. I also learned that having a history with someone doesn’t automatically mean they should make it into your present day or future.

Today, I feel blessed and extremely fortunate to have the friends that I do, people who share a similar set of values, who are smart, loving, honest and just genuinely good at their core. My group of friends is of no accident, they are in my life because I attracted them, and treat them extremely well. To be honest though, I haven’t always been a good friend and have made many mistakes and have hurt people who have really loved me. Being a “good friend” is one part natural, but also something learned through mistakes and watching others interact in their friendships. Here are a few things I learned along the way:

Be honest. People can tell insincerity a mile away. When you try to be someone you’re not, it gets old fast. A lot of times people try to put up a facade to hide insecurity or to be liked, but people can see through it.

Don’t ditch your friends the minute you get into a relationship. I’ve had many friends (I’ve done this before and learned my lesson), who are your BFF when they are single, and the minute they hook up, they are completely MIA. What’s most annoying is, once they breakup, you are once again on their speed dial. What gives? Friends are not placed on a shelf until you need them next. Make the effort even when you have a significant other.

Under Promise, Over Deliver. Don’t tell someone you’ll do something and not follow through. It results in disappointment. It trains people to not take what you say seriously because you’re just a “talker”.

Don’t be cheap. There is a difference between being broke and being cheap. Being cheap is when you’re calculative and penny counting with your friends. It’s a mentality of “taking” and not getting burned versus sharing and being generous. Pick up the tab this time, next time he/she will. Trust, it all works out some way or the other in the end.

Bring Value.  Ask yourself how you can bring value to enrich and help the people in you life, not just what you can get. If you go in with the mentality of what you can give, both sides will always win.

Get over yourself. I know people who are completely unaware that they spend every minute talking about themselves. Ask questions; be genuinely interested in your friends’ lives. Don’t ever just use your friends as a constant receiver of your bitchfests.  Of course, once in a while this is going to happen, but if all you do is contact your friends to vent and complain, people are going to avoid you like the plague.

Put in the effort. Everyone is busy. Everyone has hectic schedules. It is your choice to make time and your choice to prioritize that time for the people who are important to you. Yes there are waves where keeping in touch is not the priority – that’s okay. But ultimately, effort and energy in trying to connect cannot be always be one sided.

Lastly,  I want to take a second to thank some of the friends in my life, who have taught me how to be a good friend and how to make others happy through leading by example: Sunny Shum, Linda Truong, Devon Brooks,  Jolie Rochard, Lynda Phan and Jennifer Maloney – thanks for being such supportive and inspiring friends.

At least, that’s the correct order of things that we’ve been taught. Date, live together, get married, have children and live happily ever after. But is this the right order of things, and if so, right for whom?

Marriage is something that I know I want eventually. I know this so much that I usually bring it up in the beginning of the dating process, to see if my potential boyfriend has the same vision of “commitment”. The funny thing is, I have no idea where this sense of “knowing” came from. Was I born knowing that marriage was part of the natural order of things? Or have I been socialized and taught that, along the way of growing up? I’m trying to understand where this root comes from, and if my ideas of “knowing” I want to get married is one that is of my own, or from society and my cultural upbringing.

I don’t have the answers to all these questions, and this article is really about exploring the reasons why we (well at least, a large majority of females) are so adamant that marriage is necessary, and in some cases, even mandatory. While I understand that a legal contract doesn’t necessarily make a relationship or bond suddenly more committed, I do believe that a healthy couple making such vows to each other can take the relationship to the next level of commitment. I’m aware that divorce rates are higher than ever, but I’m optimistic that statistics doesn’t inevitably equate to the reality you choose to create.

So what are my reasons for wanting to get married? I am one who takes labels and words seriously. Words like “boyfriend” or “I love you” are ones I do not throw around lightly. To me, they are sacred words that come with commitment and promise. And, that same thinking would apply when my partner changes from “boyfriend” to “husband”. To me, when you make those vows of commitment, you are making a promise to both yourself and your partner, that you are committed to making the relationship work. Even through the many bumps and times you feel like giving up, you will try your absolute hardest to work it out. Of course, you can have every intention of this in the beginning, and then the really hard times come, and don’t seem to pass. This happens too. But that doesn’t mean that marriage is doomed or hopeless.

There is the argument that when you live with each other, own property together and your lives are completely intertwined, being common-law is legally the same as getting married. So what’s the point? Why does a piece of paper hold so much meaning?

But doesn’t everything in this world have meaning due to what meaning we create and apply to it?  Sure, you can fall in to that same level of commitment by being common law, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the people who choose that route. Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me, or the socialized North American girl, that still believes that there is something incredibly special and bonding for two people to make a celebration where you declare your commitment to each other. This “declaration” doesn’t have to follow the traditional ritual. You can create a marriage in the way that suits you whether that be in private or with an abundance of friends, with God as your witness or your best friend.

While I think that marriage is a non-negotiable for me, I have to say, that when it comes down to it, I actually don’t know. If the man I’m in love with tells me that he is forever committed to me but doesn’t believe in getting married, would I leave? Or after a period of time, would I give an ultimatum? I really don’t know. But as I keep exploring, and growing, I hope to have a clearer understanding. Maybe things will just flow in the organic way things are to unfold, and all these hypothetical questions about marriage and next steps are pointless, I guess time will tell.

In that moment, appreciating the most simple, yet taken for granted beauties of life, I felt so much joy and appreciation. I thought about my life, the family and friends I have that make my every day so full of color and love. My job and the team, that despite the disagreements here and there, come together like a wolfpack that look out for one another.

I thought about the man in my life who is so special, makes me laugh endlessly and shows me through action and a tremendous amount of affection how much he adores and cares about me. I thought about the community of strangers, and online friends, some who live on the other side of this world, who read my articles and give me such kind words of encouragement and support. I was never born a writer, I was encouraged by my grade five teacher who believed in me which was my first brush with exploring art with words. And throughout the last few years, without the positive reinforcement during those moments of insecurity before I click “publish”, I would have never been a published writer nor dared reach for the goals that I have.

I thought about how, myself upon so many who live in North America, have won what my friend coins, the “birth lottery”. Born in to a world where we have choices, freedoms and lives that are not destined but created.

It’s moments like these that bring me back to perspective. The things that really matter, the trivial and petty things that don’t, and the amount of time and energy I’ve lost focusing on the latter. One of my favourite quotes from Mitch Albom’s book, Tuesdays with Morrie is when he discusses what makes for a meaningful life, and how so many go around “… chasing the wrong things”. It’s so easy to get caught up, in the materialism, the rat race, keeping up with the Joneses and even behavior that ultimately hurts your spirit and soul because you’re too busy acting.

It’s these moments that remind me that all you know for sure in life is the moment right in front of you. So use that moment to love, to give, to express, to let the ones that are close to your heart know of all the nice, positive things that you’re waiting for another day to disclose. Tell someone you care about, how much you really do. Tell a family member something you’re grateful for, perhaps a life lesson or a moment growing up that impacted your life. Tell a stranger a compliment. See the potential in someone that you normally cannot stand. Feel the love and share it.

Or simply, take the time to stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, look into the sky, and say “thanks”. For your life, for the lovely people in it, and the fact that we have clean air, a coffee shop a stone’s throw away and those simple, every day things that make our lives a little more easy and pleasant each day. The things and people we take for granted.

Well, I finished my walk and I’m still feeling the affects of my moment of pause, and I wanted to share it with you. Thank you, for listening, for reading; I would not be writing this if it wasn’t for you.