A good friend of mine told me that “Your twenties are for f*cking up. You don’t act according to your values because you’re still establishing them.” His words ring true. While I think I’ve got a good grip on my moral compass and fundamental set of values, I’m still shaping my character to this day and will probably continue doing so for the rest of my life.

It is human to make mistakes. Some mistakes are witnessed by others and come with more shame, some are in private and come with more guilt. Some hurt others, and some ultimately hurt just you. In a life where trial and error is often how we learn, avoiding making mistakes is not very realistic. However, making different choices the next time around to avoid making the same mistake – is completely in your control.

Where we differ as human beings is the choices we make after we falter. I distinguish the difference in two different camps. There are those who use regret and remorse as a catalyst to grow and change their way of doing life in order to become better people. The consequences of their mistake serve as a reminder to do things differently to avoid repeating the same situation. Often, we need these experiences to teach us the lessons in life that ultimately shape our character.

Then, there are those who feel ashamed by their shame, and after a period of self-loathing and guilt, they resort back to their exact same way of thinking and behaviour. Instead of the mistake becoming a lesson, it becomes just another cyclical loop in habits.

When you make mistakes how do you respond? If your mistake leaves a trail of hurt and destruction in the lives of others, do you make amends and apologize with actions and empathy? Or are the people that reap the consequences of your mistake just a mere casualty of your disregard?

What builds character is not avoiding mistakes – it’s how you choose to think and act afterwards. Use your mistakes as opportunities to grow. And hopefully you can “make better mistakes tomorrow”.

I want to share a a video. It is of a talk a dear friend and former colleague of mine who discusses some of the lessons he learned after making a big mistake in his life. I have respect for how he chose to change his life after – using his experience to help him grow. Thanks for inspiring me Chris.

I’ve dabbled in health and wellness when it’s been convenient. I admit it really hasn’t been until my most recent hardship, a devastating heartbreak, that pushed me to get serious about getting healthier – both physically and spiritually.

I’ve started to realize that a whole lot of us, including myself, spend a heck of a lot of time, energy and money on making sure we appear impeccable on the outside. We decorate ourselves with designer clothes, diligently craft ourselves to appear of a certain stature and status, and do things against our better judgement to fit in with people who don’t even matter in our lives. We create illusions of ourselves to appear more important and special to others, but leave the inside neglected and in some cases, rotting. Of course this isn’t the case for everyone. Nor is there anything wrong with putting effort in to your clothes or appearance. The question is, do you spend enough time beautifying the inside as you do the outside?

I don’t think a lot of us do. And when your inside is filled with insecurity, fear, a feeling of inferiority, anger and other negative stuff – it eventually leaks out and has the potential to really hurt another. Your inner health effects your body, which effects your mind, which effects your actions, which effect the energy you put out, which effect the people around you. When you don’t work on nurturing your body and soul so that you are healthy on the inside, you ultimately end up hurting not just yourself, but the people who love you.

2012 is going to be a big year of change and growth for many of us. At least, I know it will be for me. I am going to explore treating myself better. Not with the typical way I used to do it, by indulging in a lavish pair of shoes or a handbag (don’t get me wrong, I’ll still pick up a pair of Louboutins here or there). But I will make it a point to put thought and focus on beautifying what’s inside, not just my exterior. I will do this by feeding my body food that gives me the nutrients that I need, by being gentle with my heart, acting with kindness and compassion, exercising patience (which is a virtue I do not currently have), taking care of my body, and remembering to breathe. With this mindfulness, I set to attract people in my life who share similar values and most importantly, integrity and character. I think applying discipline to creating new habits that will serve me, will also build my own character. Because at the end, isn’t that really what matters? I think Eleanor Roosevelt was on to something when she said: “Only a man’s character is the real criterion of worth.”

Here’s to a new year of becoming better, healthier individuals internally, so that we can be beautiful… both inside and out.

Wishing you all a joyful and love-filled day today. Merry Christmas.

And while I understood that only time would heal, priding myself as a “solution-oriented” person, it was frustrating that time was passing by so slowly. I felt guilty for feeling upset when there are such greater problems out there. While I was crying about my broken heart, I knew there were people in the world surviving broken homes and all other sorts of problems. But knowing that there were bigger issues in the world didn’t make my hurt any less painful. I just felt…. well, to be perfectly honest, a bit ashamed.

I felt ashamed that anything could trigger a dry heaving cryfest. I felt ashamed that my conversations with friends and family were constantly dominated by my drama and healing. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t just figure it out, solve it or move forward. I just couldn’t.

And then someone told me that what I really needed to do was to “just get over it”. And that deepened my shame even more. Because there was no magic button to press for me to just “get over it”.

And then I realized, there is nothing wrong with crying, feeling sad, feeling shot down and needing time to carefully recover and get back up. There is nothing weak or wrong about being vulnerable.

We live in a society where we are rewarded for moving forward, and the quicker, the better. We equate strength with those who can champion through any challenge or hardship with efficiency and speed. While this may work in the corporate world, it doesn’t work with matters of the heart. It doesn’t work with mourning loss, or when dealing with deep, powerful emotions.

In my opinion, I think males are especially socialized this way, and it has damaging spiritual and emotional consequences. They are taught to be strong, to numb pain and emotions, move forward and keep a poker face. Instead of mourning, or really healing what’s going on inside, the emotion is suppressed, ignored or tranquilized. Unfortunately, it does eventually come out sooner or later, in some shape or form. And usually when it does, it comes back more powerful and destructive than in the beginning. It is not weak to tend to your healing, in fact, it is quite the opposite. True courage is not blocking out your emotions, it’s having the strength to deal with them, to handle yourself and others with care even when you’re down. Courage is having the strength to be vulnerable.

I’ve decided to embrace this period in my life and honor myself in the process of grieving. I’ve decided to stop feeling ashamed or disappointed in myself for not being able to “get over it” like I would a scratch on my car. This is a matter of the heart – and when you disconnect yourself from that, you really don’t have much at all do you?

So I challenge you – both men and women. The next time life throws you a curveball (or two), and you feel hurt and pain, allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t numb it, don’t take a pill to ease it, and don’t hate yourself for feeling a bit broken. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel, to fall, to take your sweet time to get back up – to be human. And when you are ready, then dust yourself off and get back on your two feet. But only when you are ready.

I fall. I cry. I get back up.

Sometimes, it just takes longer than others. But when I cry, the tears means pain is just leaving my body. I guess I have a lot of pain to get out, but I’ll get there eventually. We always do, don’t we?

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image) Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”

The role that felt the most empowering of all was the fast paced, over-achiever. The woman climbing the corporate ladder, with a fancy title and a high salary that afforded nice material things.

That role gave me a lot of validation and was a large part of my identity. That is, until recently.  A month ago the company I worked for told me that they were downsizing and relocating, and within two weeks, my title and salary would be gone. Little did I know my sense of identity would go right along with it, only to be replaced by a conflicted relationship with my ego.

I spent the last 15 years of my life focused on achieving the things that society defined as successful.  Thus, not having that role to hide behind has been a challenge to my sense of self. However, I am learning that I’m no less or more of a person because of “what I do”, and that my job does not equate to “who I am”.

I realize that true success stretches far beyond the professional realm. Your values, the way you treat others and make them feel, your contribution to society, your relationships – these are all factors that define a person. Here is a quote that sums it up nicely:

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The next chapter for me is about personal growth. Sure, I’ll probably make another move in my career, but I’m going to stop having that role become me and define me. While it’s definitely going to be an evolutionary process, I’m excited for the journey.

Are these people born this way? Is attitude something that is dictated by one’s genes or socialization? In my opinion, I believe attitude is a choice. Yep, everyday you make a choice on how you will see and do the world. The same goes for how you approach and perceive your relationships, your opportunities and your “luck”. You can choose to react to the external variables in a way that it controls you, or you can refuse to have your attitude shaken by the universe’s curveballs.

When I look back at my own history, I know this to be true, for me at least. I’ve had times where I’ve given up and accepted defeat; spiraling into an emotional black hole. Then there’ve been times where I’ve decided to stay positive, even find humor in the situation, and focused on finding a solution versus being engulfed in hopelessness. The catalyst wasn’t any different in these two different scenarios. While the particular challenge may have taken a different form, my attitude is what changed the outcome.

I have realized that I can choose to sulk, have a “woe is me” mentality and be a victim of bad luck. Or, I can accept that challenges, roadblocks, ebbs and even unpredictable disasters are just a part of life. I could sit there and let these disruptions control me. Or, I could maintain a consistently positive attitude, perspective and way of dealing with these matters in way that has impact and effect.

The scary part is, once you accept that you really do hold the power to make a choice, you take responsibility for your own life and happiness. You have no one and nothing else to blame. It’s a lot easier to point fingers – to imagine that life, work, and relationships would be better if only someone did something differently.  But get rid of the scapegoat, and all you have left to hold accountable is you.

I still have my negative spirals but I’m learning how to proactively get myself out of a rut. Some actions that have helped me include watching inspirational talks and speakers online every morning, taking “me” time to decompress and relax and writing down goals and solutions. The writing part helps because you can visualize where you want to be, what you want to change and the actual tangible steps you can take to get there. When you have a direction to head towards, even if the steps are small, you suddenly stop feeling hopeless as you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Tweaking your mentality can have the greatest impact. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the emotions of everything that we forget that a winning attitude and a leadership mentality are trained. It’s something that has to be practiced, grown and cultivated. It’s a choice.

I’ll leave you with a quote that I draw inspiration from:

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

It is arguable that the people in both group “b” and “c” should fall under the same category, but I’ll leave that to another day. What I find interesting is that the people in group “a” all seem to understand this unspoken rule, and therefore do life and their relationships according to this value system. The flow and exchange is effortless, and happens organically.

In contrast, the people who fall in the latter group do life differently. These people constantly ask for, want and take. Seldom do they think “What value can I provide?” let alone, “How can I help?” Or, if help is offered or a favor bestowed, there is a “tit-for-tat” mentality where they feel owed.

There is a blurring of lines of course. I admit that there have been times where I’ve lent a hand or gone out of my way to do a favor and felt disappointed in the lack of reciprocation. I understand that I was probably doing the favor for the wrong reasons in the first place. In order to avoid this situation and future resentment, I try to steer clear of doing things out of sheer obligation. Also, I often will stop and do a gut check – if I’m feeling anxiety or pressure in order to do something for another, that’s likely a red flag that I need to get in tune with why I’m doing it in the first place. When I don’t or go ahead and do it anyway, I only find myself high on expectations and low on disappointment.

The rules of reciprocity are something that can be learned from culture, upbringing, experience and influence. Or maybe it’s just something you’re born knowing. Regardless, it’s possible that someone has good intentions but just lacks the understanding of this value due to their upbringing and environment.

Here are some questions that can help:

Would You Do the Same?

When you give, or make the effort to add value or help when you can, it seems to magically work out in the end. Perhaps it’s karma or the law of the universe, but somehow, sometime, somewhere, it does come back. Ask yourself the next time you are requesting a favor, asking for help, wanting a free service – would you do the same?

Do You Only Call When You Need Something?

If you haven’t spoken to someone for a long time and the only time you contact them is to ask for something, take a second to think if it’s appropriate. Old friends can definitely call each other up out of the blue when the time/need permits, but I’m referring to the type of relationship where you only make contact when you want something.

Do You Give Back?

When someone does something to help you – make note of it in the memory bank.  I’m not saying that you have to return the favor right away, but be aware of the time and opportunity where you could do something nice back. It’s a win-win situation.

Is it My Profession?

If you are someone in my inner circle, meaning we likely communicate on a somewhat regular basis and you know the major happenings of my life, you are invited to ask me for help in the professional realm. However, if you’re not in my inner circle, (and no, saying “Happy Birthday” on my Facebook wall doesn’t make the cut), then do not ask me to do things that is part of my profession – for free. This is especially true when you are making financial gain from my free labor. Payment does not have to be monetary, but if you are asking someone to provide a service that they do as a professional career, please offer some sort of value exchange in return.

As I get older, I find that as my circle of acquaintances grows larger, my core group of really close, quality friends gets smaller and smaller. Perhaps it’s a natural evolution in life, or maybe it’s me realizing more and more that time is precious, and best spent on people you really love and care about. I haven’t always been like this, in fact, I used to try to give too much to too many, often feeling drained or exhausted afterwards. I learned to be conscious of whom you invest your energy in. I also learned that having a history with someone doesn’t automatically mean they should make it into your present day or future.

Today, I feel blessed and extremely fortunate to have the friends that I do, people who share a similar set of values, who are smart, loving, honest and just genuinely good at their core. My group of friends is of no accident, they are in my life because I attracted them, and treat them extremely well. To be honest though, I haven’t always been a good friend and have made many mistakes and have hurt people who have really loved me. Being a “good friend” is one part natural, but also something learned through mistakes and watching others interact in their friendships. Here are a few things I learned along the way:

Be honest. People can tell insincerity a mile away. When you try to be someone you’re not, it gets old fast. A lot of times people try to put up a facade to hide insecurity or to be liked, but people can see through it.

Don’t ditch your friends the minute you get into a relationship. I’ve had many friends (I’ve done this before and learned my lesson), who are your BFF when they are single, and the minute they hook up, they are completely MIA. What’s most annoying is, once they breakup, you are once again on their speed dial. What gives? Friends are not placed on a shelf until you need them next. Make the effort even when you have a significant other.

Under Promise, Over Deliver. Don’t tell someone you’ll do something and not follow through. It results in disappointment. It trains people to not take what you say seriously because you’re just a “talker”.

Don’t be cheap. There is a difference between being broke and being cheap. Being cheap is when you’re calculative and penny counting with your friends. It’s a mentality of “taking” and not getting burned versus sharing and being generous. Pick up the tab this time, next time he/she will. Trust, it all works out some way or the other in the end.

Bring Value.  Ask yourself how you can bring value to enrich and help the people in you life, not just what you can get. If you go in with the mentality of what you can give, both sides will always win.

Get over yourself. I know people who are completely unaware that they spend every minute talking about themselves. Ask questions; be genuinely interested in your friends’ lives. Don’t ever just use your friends as a constant receiver of your bitchfests.  Of course, once in a while this is going to happen, but if all you do is contact your friends to vent and complain, people are going to avoid you like the plague.

Put in the effort. Everyone is busy. Everyone has hectic schedules. It is your choice to make time and your choice to prioritize that time for the people who are important to you. Yes there are waves where keeping in touch is not the priority – that’s okay. But ultimately, effort and energy in trying to connect cannot be always be one sided.

Lastly,  I want to take a second to thank some of the friends in my life, who have taught me how to be a good friend and how to make others happy through leading by example: Sunny Shum, Linda Truong, Devon Brooks,  Jolie Rochard, Lynda Phan and Jennifer Maloney – thanks for being such supportive and inspiring friends.

At least, that’s the correct order of things that we’ve been taught. Date, live together, get married, have children and live happily ever after. But is this the right order of things, and if so, right for whom?

Marriage is something that I know I want eventually. I know this so much that I usually bring it up in the beginning of the dating process, to see if my potential boyfriend has the same vision of “commitment”. The funny thing is, I have no idea where this sense of “knowing” came from. Was I born knowing that marriage was part of the natural order of things? Or have I been socialized and taught that, along the way of growing up? I’m trying to understand where this root comes from, and if my ideas of “knowing” I want to get married is one that is of my own, or from society and my cultural upbringing.

I don’t have the answers to all these questions, and this article is really about exploring the reasons why we (well at least, a large majority of females) are so adamant that marriage is necessary, and in some cases, even mandatory. While I understand that a legal contract doesn’t necessarily make a relationship or bond suddenly more committed, I do believe that a healthy couple making such vows to each other can take the relationship to the next level of commitment. I’m aware that divorce rates are higher than ever, but I’m optimistic that statistics doesn’t inevitably equate to the reality you choose to create.

So what are my reasons for wanting to get married? I am one who takes labels and words seriously. Words like “boyfriend” or “I love you” are ones I do not throw around lightly. To me, they are sacred words that come with commitment and promise. And, that same thinking would apply when my partner changes from “boyfriend” to “husband”. To me, when you make those vows of commitment, you are making a promise to both yourself and your partner, that you are committed to making the relationship work. Even through the many bumps and times you feel like giving up, you will try your absolute hardest to work it out. Of course, you can have every intention of this in the beginning, and then the really hard times come, and don’t seem to pass. This happens too. But that doesn’t mean that marriage is doomed or hopeless.

There is the argument that when you live with each other, own property together and your lives are completely intertwined, being common-law is legally the same as getting married. So what’s the point? Why does a piece of paper hold so much meaning?

But doesn’t everything in this world have meaning due to what meaning we create and apply to it?  Sure, you can fall in to that same level of commitment by being common law, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the people who choose that route. Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me, or the socialized North American girl, that still believes that there is something incredibly special and bonding for two people to make a celebration where you declare your commitment to each other. This “declaration” doesn’t have to follow the traditional ritual. You can create a marriage in the way that suits you whether that be in private or with an abundance of friends, with God as your witness or your best friend.

While I think that marriage is a non-negotiable for me, I have to say, that when it comes down to it, I actually don’t know. If the man I’m in love with tells me that he is forever committed to me but doesn’t believe in getting married, would I leave? Or after a period of time, would I give an ultimatum? I really don’t know. But as I keep exploring, and growing, I hope to have a clearer understanding. Maybe things will just flow in the organic way things are to unfold, and all these hypothetical questions about marriage and next steps are pointless, I guess time will tell.

In that moment, appreciating the most simple, yet taken for granted beauties of life, I felt so much joy and appreciation. I thought about my life, the family and friends I have that make my every day so full of color and love. My job and the team, that despite the disagreements here and there, come together like a wolfpack that look out for one another.

I thought about the man in my life who is so special, makes me laugh endlessly and shows me through action and a tremendous amount of affection how much he adores and cares about me. I thought about the community of strangers, and online friends, some who live on the other side of this world, who read my articles and give me such kind words of encouragement and support. I was never born a writer, I was encouraged by my grade five teacher who believed in me which was my first brush with exploring art with words. And throughout the last few years, without the positive reinforcement during those moments of insecurity before I click “publish”, I would have never been a published writer nor dared reach for the goals that I have.

I thought about how, myself upon so many who live in North America, have won what my friend coins, the “birth lottery”. Born in to a world where we have choices, freedoms and lives that are not destined but created.

It’s moments like these that bring me back to perspective. The things that really matter, the trivial and petty things that don’t, and the amount of time and energy I’ve lost focusing on the latter. One of my favourite quotes from Mitch Albom’s book, Tuesdays with Morrie is when he discusses what makes for a meaningful life, and how so many go around “… chasing the wrong things”. It’s so easy to get caught up, in the materialism, the rat race, keeping up with the Joneses and even behavior that ultimately hurts your spirit and soul because you’re too busy acting.

It’s these moments that remind me that all you know for sure in life is the moment right in front of you. So use that moment to love, to give, to express, to let the ones that are close to your heart know of all the nice, positive things that you’re waiting for another day to disclose. Tell someone you care about, how much you really do. Tell a family member something you’re grateful for, perhaps a life lesson or a moment growing up that impacted your life. Tell a stranger a compliment. See the potential in someone that you normally cannot stand. Feel the love and share it.

Or simply, take the time to stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, look into the sky, and say “thanks”. For your life, for the lovely people in it, and the fact that we have clean air, a coffee shop a stone’s throw away and those simple, every day things that make our lives a little more easy and pleasant each day. The things and people we take for granted.

Well, I finished my walk and I’m still feeling the affects of my moment of pause, and I wanted to share it with you. Thank you, for listening, for reading; I would not be writing this if it wasn’t for you.

Call them principles, values, or deal breakers – they are the things you know that you don’t want. I think this holds true not only for your love relationships, but for your friendships and business relationships as well. As the founder of Bespoke Yoga once told me, “updating your friendships” is important along with knowing what your ‘non-negotiables’ are – the things that you do not negotiate for anyone, despite how even how much you may like the person.

For me, I have determined a set of values that I hold for myself in how I conduct myself in the world and in my relationships, and I have that standard before I enter relationships with others – be it friends or lovers.

Honesty, generosity, loyalty and having consideration are values that I pride myself on having, thus, this is what I look for in my relationships. And as values and principles drive behavior and decisions, when I surround myself with those who share similar values, the dynamic and energy seem to flow effortlessly.

When you surround yourself with people who have values and principles that conflict with your own, it is probable that your own values and principles can start to shift or, tension and resentment builds.  Even worse, you can start to “give in” to behavior or conduct that conflicts with your own values because you are influenced or pressured.

Motivational speaker, Tony Robbins made a good point, “You can love your family and friends all you want, but that doesn’t mean they should be part of your immediate peer group”. I agree, your friends may go through phases in life where they behave in ways that conflict with your values. I’m not saying to stop loving them, but I agree with Tony, “The five people you associate yourself with the most, you become” and you do have the choice on surrounding yourself with energy that drain you or not. I refer to these types of people as “energy vampires”.  Want to know if you have one in your life? Usually after spending time with them you feel drained, exhausted, taken from and other negative feelings. Women especially, have a tendency to feel guilty about minimizing investment spent with energy vampires. But there’s nothing to feel guilty about. Just because you have a history with a person is not enough to bring them into your future.

If you find yourself in constant conflict or strife with certain individuals in your life, and they seem to be sucking the energy out of you versus adding value to your life, you may want to reassess their value set in relation to your own. If you have strong opinions on your “non-negotiables”, yet some of the people you surround yourself with breach your “non negotiables” then it may be wise to minimize or perhaps even remove association with them, because in the end, you may find yourself just feeling resentful. For me, I care for investing in relationships with those who are consistent in their values – those who do not merely pick and choose on a part-time basis when to respect them.

Staying true and consistent to your values can make life’s decisions a lot easier. Your fundamental set of values become your compass in navigating through life and decisions, and if you are making choices that serve the values you deem positive and important, you’re likely to be happy with those choices and outcome.

Your values dictate your decisions and your decisions define you. This doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes, but what you do after a mistake itself is a decision and has the power to define your history, your present and your future.

A few years ago, I entered my first adult relationship. It took me a year to get to the point of allowing the person fully in to my life. And when I reached the point of saying the words “I love you” – it was my verbal commitment. They were words that came with promise and my usual pattern of quitting when the going got tough would not be part of my thought process. Through the thick and thin of it, I would always try to work it out. As some who have followed my blogs previously will know, that relationship came to an immediate end one day, and I felt that the person I invested my heart and energy in to abandoned and quit on me. It was extremely difficult for me to handle as I felt that the one time I changed my pattern and allowed myself to be vulnerable; I got hurt and punished for taking the harder road.

It was a time of my life where I felt so out of control as there was nothing I could do to make the painful feelings go away. I felt emotionally crippled, and told myself that I would avoid any future possibilities of me ending up in the same scenario again.

I dated and met different people, and each dating experience was a failure. Perhaps it was that I just never came across the right fit, but more likely it was because of my relentless effort to cut things off with anyone who showed a sign of potentially causing me pain or hurt. Consequently, things would never pass the dating phase because I’d cut things off usually before it could go any further than that.

In recent months, I have met someone and while it’s taken me some time, I’m comfortable applying the label of being “in a relationship”. The title to me comes with commitment and a decision of entering a partnership with someone with a certain mentality. It means that instead of “tossing it out” when a hiccup or obstacle appears, to approach with the attitude of working it out and moving forward. It’s a complete mentality shift for me. Getting to this point has taken me time, reflection and consciously quieting my brain and shutting off the stories that play in my head that are rooted in fear.

And while I’m in a healthy and positive relationship, to tell you the truth, the stories of my past, my insecurities of being quit on or being disposable, or my partner one day getting bored of me – those insecurities still exist, although quieter some days than others. To be honest, I’m so scared of being vulnerable again and having faith in someone who holds my heart is actually something I have to work hard at. And so far, each time a hiccup has occurred, my ego wants to first react but then I make a conscious decision to go against it and do what will work for the relationship. As my friend Jen positioned it eloquently, “think of what is a deal maker versus a deal breaker”.

Relationships, whether romantic or platonic are works in progress. The closest ones will never be a completely smooth ride as these relationships are part of your world to help you evolve and grow. Some relationships won’t make it, but some are worth putting aside the ego, the fears, insecurities and pride and working it through. The challenges are an opportunity for growth. And we have the power to choose whether we take the road of growth or the road of defeat.

**Picture found on weheartit.com

When I reached highschool, I was obsessed with becoming popular and knowing the “right” people so that I would never be picked on again. I did just that, and started to hang out with people from out side of my school who were part of really bad crowds. I associated myself with people who intimidated others and felt a sense of “empowerment” because I seemed to be respected, albeit, for the wrong reasons.

I made some bad decisions, hung out with people I shouldn’t have, saw things I shouldn’t have, and grew up quickly. By age 21, two of my friends had been murdered. I finally came to my senses and realized that while I may have thought that my life was invincible, I couldn’t imagine what my family would go through if something ever happened to me because of the circle I was associating myself with. I realized that intimidation, sexuality, growing up in warp speed – these things did not give me empowerment or meaning. It was an empty facade that was fed by other empty, lost beings also searching for their place in life.

And while many people likely judged me along the way, I recognize now that I was just a scared little girl, wanting to fit in, looking to be accepted and wanting the one thing we’re all after…love.

I’ve learned that everyone has a story. Those who act tough, those who act like they’re invincible, those who are cruel to others. – each and every one of them has a story. People who inflict pain on others, who bully, who feel the need to demean – that root comes from somewhere.  Whether you are the bully or the bullied, both share a common denominator. Each person has their lot of insecurities and fears, which acts as the root of how we behave and interact with others. The easiest thing to do is to pass judgment, maybe even ridicule, but as human beings, with so much hate already out there, I think the one thing we really can do to contribute to this world is to play nice.

I saw a website lately, where the fundamental premise is to defame and insult people. My heart felt so sad when I saw it. Has it really come to this? Do grown ups really think that if it’s anonymous and online, that suddenly it’s okay to go back to the immaturity of grade school and bully others? These are real people, who have real feelings, insecurities and fears just like the rest of us. The minute you stoop to that level, you have just contributed to more hate and ugliness to our world.

I apologize if it sounds like I’m going on a rant or if I’m preaching. I just know how it feels to be bullied, teased and made fun of. That hurt almost caused me to have thoughts of suicide at the age of 10, and just because we are older now, it doesn’t mean that such cruel words may not have such an affect on someone.

As my friend SK told me, “We’re all after the same thing, love and acceptance”. It’s true. We’re on the same team guys. Let’s try to play nice.

Components of my life have changed dramatically – my home, my career, my headspace…I guess you can say, I’ve grown up. While I will always be the girl who gets excited over a cupcake, daydreams of ballerina twirls, wears her heart on her sleeve and believes that romantic, earth moving, unconditional love exists, I am also a woman who has made mistakes, wasted tears, held back due to fears but, fortunately, learned a lot during the ride.

Today, I look back on my year, and would like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

On work:

You can create your destiny. Determine and visualize where you want to be first and foremost as after, you can discover the steps needed to get there.

Calmness is an acquired skill. Train yourself to handle the most intense situations with a calm, cool and collected demeanor which others will find reassuring and comforting.

Confidence cannot be faked. It’s energy. What’s worse is if you are insecure about the value you provide and try to overcompensate by loud theatrics, unnecessary comments or go off on a tangent.

If you are on the agency/vendor side – NEVER get too comfortable. Remember, your relationship is business first and foremost. Dress appropriately and when in doubt, wear an undershirt. I am your client and do not want to see your hairy chest during a pitch.

Balance. Doesn’t matter how busy or important you are, if you don’t get some proper “me” time and balance – your work, productivity, output, relationships and efficiency will suffer in the long run.

Dress the part, act the part, talk the part, walk the part, be the part.

“Complaining is not a winning strategy”. Come with solutions and options, weigh the pros and cons of each. Move forward.

A lesson I learned while working at DDB and with my current company. Mediocrity or simply “good” is not enough. Strive for greatness. If you cannot say that you’re proud of what you’ve produced, then don’t bother.

If it’s your profession, do not be afraid to ask for compensation for your services, ideas or expertise. Your time is money, don’t just give it to anyone.

There is a difference between being aggressive and assertive. As a woman, don’t overcompensate for your insecurity or fear by acting aggressive and bitchy. Be assertive – know your value, ask for what you want and have the data to back up your requests.

Always be prepared to pitch.

When I’m about to get emotional or take something personally over a work situation, I take a pause and ask, “What would a man do in this situation?” It helps me remove the sensitivity, hormones and unnecessary drama to move forward.

On Friends:

Your community is a key pillar in your joy, empowerment and happiness. Be open, share, give, contribute, bring value and appreciate.

Don’t be the chick who disappears off the face of the earth once you have a boyfriend. It’s lame, it’s old and quality friends don’t deserve that.

If you always come to the table thinking of what you can do to give and to make the other person happy, you will always win. The ones who are takers and who don’t add value to your life will eventually weed out.

As you grow, you can also grow out of your friendships. People change and grow apart, that’s just a fact of life. Don’t feel guilt or do things out of obligation because of that.

Make effort. Invest in your relationships with key friends.

On Love and Men…

“The most important relationship is the one with yourself.” Work on yourself, learn, grow, and once you are at a place of contentment and self love, that is when you truly ready to create love with another. No one can fix you, at least not for long.

Have standards, not expectations. Standards is a level of quality, respect and value exchange that are non- negotiables. You deserve to be treated the way you treat others. Expectations are the check list of unrealistic ideals and demands which is often rooted in a sense of entitlement.

Likes likes like. You like people because they resemble the parts you like about yourself. You also dislike people for this very reason. Who you are drawn to and draw in, are thus entirely due to your own energy.

Know your needs, values and non-negotiables. If there is a conflict of what needs can and cannot be fulfilled, it’s best to be honest and address it earlier than later. You have three options, one person changes, you accept the situation entirely for what it is, or you remove yourself from the situation.

Do what you say. Say what you mean.

Don’t ever take each other for granted. That’s giving up. Always try.

Know your language of love and what your partner’s language of love is. You can make effort to show your love in the language they understand (quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and words of affirmation).

You allow people to treat you the way they do.

Show compassion.

Relationships don’t go on cruise control. They need constant attention, care and effort. Whether this means dates, surprises, spontaneity or taking up a hobby to grow together, find ways to keep it exciting.

Always want the best for your partner and wish happiness for them. Even if this means at times you have to compromise, watch a movie you don’t want to or be patient with your needs.

Guys – when a girl is upset, insecure or just needing attention, sometimes all she really wants is a huge hug that tells her everything is going to be okay and reassurance of your feelings and support.

Every real man, has a plan. Have faith.

On Feeling Fabulous

Make an effort on your presentation. Laziness is not an excuse.

Be thankful everyday and share your feelings of gratitude with people the people who touch your life.

Give. Engage in random acts of kindness. Help people. Be kind and generous without expecting anything in return. Karma will come back to you ten fold.

Have a clean home and tidy desk.

Seek the goodness in others. People will become what you expect of them.

Do thoughtful things that will make others happy. Happiness is contagious.

Thank you…

I’m now on my 8th month of being a published writer in the 24 Hours. Thank you to all the kind strangers who have read my blogs and shared with me your own stories, heartaches, growth, inspiration and love.

To my friends, my amazing sisters, and community – thank you for showering me with love and kindness. I feel so strong, empowered and fortunate because you are a part of my life.

I found these words very interesting and true – when we do something – what is the real intention behind it? When you give to someone – whether that be a gift, your energy or your words – is it from a place of sincerity, of no expectations… of love? Or, when you dig deeper, is it actually because you want to be liked or accepted, or expect something in return?

First, let’s talk about the act of giving. I consider myself an extremely generous and giving person and I admit, that at various times in my life, I have given (with the delusion that the act was coming from a pure place), when really, it was calculated or with condition. In other words, the act was fear based. And at the end, I would feel “taken” from, even victimized, if the energy/favour wasn’t reciprocated in return.

I’ve learned that there is a lot of joy and fulfillment that comes from the form of giving that comes from a place of love and sincerity. Meaning, whether that be the initiation of communication, a gift or an act of service – you hold no expectation of what follows afterwards. You don’t feel fulfilled from what they give back or how they react – you feel fulfilled because you know you helped or made someone feel a little more at ease, cared for or loved in some way. That, which is an act that is love based never comes with the feeling of being “jipped” afterwards nor result in pain.

In no way am I saying that one should keep giving to energy vampires, constant takers or those who encompass a conflicting value set in regards to generosity and sharing. Nor am I saying that you should not be selective with who you share your energy with. I believe that those who cannot give love are unable to truly receive it. It is like giving to a bottomless pit or an insatiable appetite that is always hungry for more. I believe in being kind to others, perfect strangers included, but when it involves investing a substantial part of your heart, soul and energy, know that when you are depleted, you lack the resources needed for your own self nourishment. If you do give a part of you –whatever form that may take – and you feel taken advantage of, victimized or “ripped off” – ask yourself truthfully what place that act really came from.

Next, I’d like to talk about control – which is a major ingredient in many acts and decisions we choose to make. I think often, control is mistakenly equated to empowerment. I am not referring to the kind of control in terms of self discipline, leadership, etc. I’m talking about the dark, ugly kind of control. The kind that is rooted in insecurity, which again, is based in fear. And out of that Pandora’s Box, is where jealousy and the “need” to exert power over another is born. You see this in many relationships – where lack of trust, faith and security creates a power struggle, an off-balance and a blockage of flow.

We all have insecurities, it’s a part of being human, but we can either let those insecurities rule us or not. The more you try to mask your insecurity by exerting a contrived sense of control, the more insecurity and fear based your actions become. Next time before you make a conscious decision that involves another being, ask yourself truthfully, if it is fear based or love based. Call it karma, call it the unspoken laws of the universe, but at some point, in some shape or form, love will breed love, and negativity and breed negativity.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

“I no longer want to spend the rest of my life… with you.”

I can still remember the blur, the feeling, the crushing physical pain that shocked through my heart… the numbness. Within a matter of five words, my entire world, the reality that I based my life around – was shattered.

Just…like…that.

I thought I would eventually just run out of tears – I mean, was it even possible for a girl to cry so much, and still have more tears left to shed? In all honesty, I didn’t see it coming. Quitting, not working things out – those were not even options that crossed my mind even in the toughest times. The ironic thing is, it ended when I thought things were going so well. Perhaps I was in denial; perhaps my commitment to fight for something I believed in, and my devotion to honor loyalty and commitment outweighed my rationale.

I felt like I had lost my best friend, I doubted myself and questioned if “I was good enough”. I wondered what was so wrong with me – that someone who had once envisioned an entire lifetime together, could just change their mind in what seemed like an impulsive instant.

I was broken for a long while, even if I didn’t show it to the world, and nothing could fix me.  One night, I found out he had moved on – and offered that same world that was once painted for me…to another person. If I had thought before that I couldn’t be broken anymore, I found out that night I was wrong. Shattered in a million pieces again – there I was, on the floor of my bathroom, in my beautiful vintage dress, crying and crying and crying some more…I felt so alone.

But eventually, piece by piece, I started to come together again. Time was my glue, along with amazing friends, self reflection and planting seeds of joy that were not dependant on external variables. Today, marks a year later, and I’m happy and proud to say, that those seeds have really started to sow.

A year later, I have deepened my friendships with existing friends, cultivated relationships with new friends, opened up to meeting different people, and have built a community that is based on value exchange, growth and support. I sold my condo – a property I had purchased for all the wrong reasons and have moved in to a loft that finally feels like home. In my career, I held out moving to another company until the absolute right fit came along, and that time has come. I’ve accepted an amazing opportunity at my dream job.

And in my heart, I feel content. Before, I was always either looking for someone, with someone or missing someone.  For the first time in my life, I am happy being just as I am. And while things are really on the right track, I feel that even if I lost the external factors – I’d still get up and adapt…my joy is my own.

A year later, I can look back and see clearly how the longevity of that relationship didn’t happen for a reason. I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot lose yourself and change the person you once were. Despite the many laughs and beautiful moments we shared, at the very truth of it, it didn’t fit. And I knew that deep down – whether I wanted to admit it or not. So did he.  He just chose to face the truth.

If you’re reading this, and going through a similar experience, I hope that this piece gives you some hope and maybe some relief – that yes, it sucks right now as you’re going through it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And as you slowly reach it, things just start to make sense more and more. You grow so much, and when you look back, all you have are your lessons learned, the clarity to make better choices and the knowing that you handled yourself with grace, with class and without regret.

We are all familiar with the old adage, “Everything happens for a reason”. But the opposite is also true. “Everything doesn’t happen for a reason”. When something doesn’t work out according to plan, it’s natural for us to feel upset, slighted, or unfairly punished by the universe, but when you eventually get through it and look back, in retrospect you realize how one door didn’t open because you were meant to walk through another.

In grade nine he was kicked out of our high school. We didn’t see each other as much and one day, I found out that he got beat up pretty badly in some teenage brawl. I remember him telling me, “I’ll never let this happen to me again”.

I didn’t see J for a few years until my early twenties. We reconnected and it seemed like grade eight all over again. His core was the same – the funny, brutally honest, rough around the edges, loyal, sweet interior but hard exterior J. However, his extension of self, his external circumstances had changed – within the years past – he was now driving a fancy car, hung out with a group of known gangsters and was making a lot of money.

In this period of my life, I lived in a world of non-reality – where associating with gangsters was “cool”, where being in a group that intimidated others was “powerful”, where identifying with being a gangster’s friend or girlfriend was strived for, and thousand dollar dinners and unaffordable handbags were rewards of association. In this world, all the players in it have a different set of normality, of justification as a way of living, a skewed sense of “right” and “wrong”. In this world, obtaining fancy things was easy, being paranoid and trusting no one was a way of life and to score a gangster boyfriend who would support and spoil you and one day fund your tanning salon meant success.

Eventually, my group of friends split into two directions. One half decided to focus on real empowerment – getting an education, climbing the corporate ladder, moving away. The other half stayed and never shook off their distorted ideas of role models and the lure of easy money. Today, I still see these people out and about – and they are living “their dream” – gangster husband that provides lifeline, babies in Burberry, “front” businesses, and very expensive handbags.

It took the death of two friends and various incidents of J’s recklessness and self destructive ways for me to finally wake up. I thought to myself, I may think I’m invincible, but imagine how my family would feel if something ever happened to me, just because I chose to hang out with testosterone charged gangsters with anger as their guiding light. I made the decision to stop associating with J and cut him and his friends out of my life.

He acted like he didn’t care. But I know inside he did. After all, being in his line of “work” – trust was something hard to come by. I remember him telling me how I was the only person he trusted and I remember nights when he would call me, drunk, and tell me how he wanted to end his life. I remember crying wishing my friend would be okay. I remember us playing as kids, and wondering how we grew up so fast.

J was murdered last week – he was shot and killed instantly one sunny afternoon.

Today I attended his wake.

I realized that while I may have chosen to stop associating with him, the care, and the history – that doesn’t disappear. I feel sad for his family. I feel sad for the choices he decided to make and wished there was a “rewind” button – perhaps if he could see the outcome of his choices, he would have chosen differently. I feel sad that not many people ever got to really know his core, his innocence when we were just kids – before everything bad started.

Our twenties are a very decisive time. It marks the time where the decisions we make will set us into the main direction of our lives. Whether it be hanging out with gangsters, being careless with our bodies, building a career – this is the time where we decide which seeds we wish to sow. J wasn’t born a gangster or a bad person – but he chose his path – which while eventually led to his death – ultimately affected his family the most. The picture of his mother and father weeping for their child lost and blaming themselves for where they went wrong, and his little brother completely lost and confused with vengeance – that is the real result of his decisions.

Dear J (Buffalo as my family used to nick name you)… may you rest in peace. My love and prayers sent to your family…