A few points in his talk that really resonated with me:

“It’s not the reality that shapes us but the lens through which your brain views the world that shapes your reality. If we change the lens not only can we our happiness. We can change every business and educational outcome at the same time.”

“90% of your long term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world. And if we change it, if we change our formula for happiness and success, we can change the way we can then affect reality.”

“The traditional model “If I work harder, I’ll be more successful. If I’m more successful, then, I will be happier is broken for two reasons:

1) Every time your brain has a success you just change the goalpost of what success looks like. If happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there.

2) Our brains work in the opposite order. Your brain at positive performs significantly better than at negative-neutral stress… If we can find a way to become positive in the present our brains work more successfully.”

“You can train your brain to be more positive. In 2 minutes span of time done for 21 days in a row you can actually rewire your brain. Write 3 new things of what you’re grateful for 21 days straight. At the end of that, your brain starts to retain a pattern of scanning the world for the positive and not the negative.”

His talk inspired me to try the exercise of practising gratitude to help rewire my brain. I’ve started “21 Days of Gratitude” – where every day, I write/draw three things that I’m thankful for. Not only is it rewarding for myself as I find myself more grateful and aware of everything I should be appreciative of, it also lets the people I am thankful for know what they mean to me.

Care to join me on this exercise? Leave a comment and share what your grateful for today!

They are “The Advertisers”and they are laughing at you…”

Imagine if we told our friends, partners and family members how much we love and appreciate them more often. Imagine if instead of holding on to positive praises for some day in the future, we expressed our love today.

Imagine if parents taught their children that regardless if you’re a boy or a girl, it’s okay to cry, to feel pain, to fall down, to feel scared…to be human. Imagine the emotionally intelligent men and women these children would grow up to be.

Imagine if women helped boost other women up, and focused on supporting each other versus competing and tearing each other down.

Imagine if we worked on loving ourselves first before entering a relationship with another. Imagine how much healthier our relationships would be.

Imagine if we said sorry more, forgave more, accepted responsibility more and took accountability more. Imagine the hurt and pain we’d help heal, both in ourselves and in others.

Imagine if we decided to go against the status quo and create new norms. Where success was based not on the size of your bank account or number of deals made, but on the wealth and health of your relationships, contributions to society and the people you help.

Imagine if we stopped chasing the wrong things.

Imagine if we put as much effort and energy into our physical and emotional health as we do in our careers. Imagine the longer lives we would have and the happier and more fulfilled days we’d live in that lifetime.

Imagine if we had the courage to speak the truth, to hold our friends and loved ones accountable, even when it makes us feel uncomfortable to do so.

Imagine if we stopped abusing substances, tranquilizing our pain and over satiating our senses. Imagine if instead we looked deep within to figure out the root of our insecurities, our shame, our restlessness and our fears. Imagine if we dealt with these issues instead of avoiding them with distractions. Imagine what healthier beings we would be, and as a result the healthier relationships we would have.

Imagine if we decided to create beauty. If the base of our work and efforts were rooted in giving versus taking. Imagine a world if we decided to contribute versus destruct.

Imagine if we were honest with ourselves and instead of focusing on keeping up a seamless facade on the outside, we put the same amount of effort on taking care of what’s on the inside.

Imagine your life if you were to change some of the patterns that hold you back. Imagine if you made better decisions instead of repeating the same negative habits. Imagine if you showed your love more, helped others more and made it an everyday practice to leave people better than how you found them. Imagine if you chose love, over fear.

Now, imagine if each and every one of us decided today to live life this way. Imagine what a world of beauty we’d create. Imagine how our children would grow up, how other children would treat our children, how much self-love we’d develop and consequently, how much love we could share with others. Imagine such a world where such beauty and compassion didn’t have to live only in our imaginations, but was an everyday reality. Oh, what a world that would be..

Call me a dreamer, but this is the world I want to live in. So, what do you say we go and create it?

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image) Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”

“I don’t love you anymore.”

“I no longer want to spend the rest of my life… with you.”

I can still remember the blur, the feeling, the crushing physical pain that shocked through my heart… the numbness. Within a matter of five words, my entire world, the reality that I based my life around – was shattered.

Just…like…that.

I thought I would eventually just run out of tears – I mean, was it even possible for a girl to cry so much, and still have more tears left to shed? In all honesty, I didn’t see it coming. Quitting, not working things out – those were not even options that crossed my mind even in the toughest times. The ironic thing is, it ended when I thought things were going so well. Perhaps I was in denial; perhaps my commitment to fight for something I believed in, and my devotion to honor loyalty and commitment outweighed my rationale.

I felt like I had lost my best friend, I doubted myself and questioned if “I was good enough”. I wondered what was so wrong with me – that someone who had once envisioned an entire lifetime together, could just change their mind in what seemed like an impulsive instant.

I was broken for a long while, even if I didn’t show it to the world, and nothing could fix me.  One night, I found out he had moved on – and offered that same world that was once painted for me…to another person. If I had thought before that I couldn’t be broken anymore, I found out that night I was wrong. Shattered in a million pieces again – there I was, on the floor of my bathroom, in my beautiful vintage dress, crying and crying and crying some more…I felt so alone.

But eventually, piece by piece, I started to come together again. Time was my glue, along with amazing friends, self reflection and planting seeds of joy that were not dependant on external variables. Today, marks a year later, and I’m happy and proud to say, that those seeds have really started to sow.

A year later, I have deepened my friendships with existing friends, cultivated relationships with new friends, opened up to meeting different people, and have built a community that is based on value exchange, growth and support. I sold my condo – a property I had purchased for all the wrong reasons and have moved in to a loft that finally feels like home. In my career, I held out moving to another company until the absolute right fit came along, and that time has come. I’ve accepted an amazing opportunity at my dream job.

And in my heart, I feel content. Before, I was always either looking for someone, with someone or missing someone.  For the first time in my life, I am happy being just as I am. And while things are really on the right track, I feel that even if I lost the external factors – I’d still get up and adapt…my joy is my own.

A year later, I can look back and see clearly how the longevity of that relationship didn’t happen for a reason. I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot lose yourself and change the person you once were. Despite the many laughs and beautiful moments we shared, at the very truth of it, it didn’t fit. And I knew that deep down – whether I wanted to admit it or not. So did he.  He just chose to face the truth.

If you’re reading this, and going through a similar experience, I hope that this piece gives you some hope and maybe some relief – that yes, it sucks right now as you’re going through it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And as you slowly reach it, things just start to make sense more and more. You grow so much, and when you look back, all you have are your lessons learned, the clarity to make better choices and the knowing that you handled yourself with grace, with class and without regret.

We are all familiar with the old adage, “Everything happens for a reason”. But the opposite is also true. “Everything doesn’t happen for a reason”. When something doesn’t work out according to plan, it’s natural for us to feel upset, slighted, or unfairly punished by the universe, but when you eventually get through it and look back, in retrospect you realize how one door didn’t open because you were meant to walk through another.