A few years ago, I entered my first adult relationship. It took me a year to get to the point of allowing the person fully in to my life. And when I reached the point of saying the words “I love you” – it was my verbal commitment. They were words that came with promise and my usual pattern of quitting when the going got tough would not be part of my thought process. Through the thick and thin of it, I would always try to work it out. As some who have followed my blogs previously will know, that relationship came to an immediate end one day, and I felt that the person I invested my heart and energy in to abandoned and quit on me. It was extremely difficult for me to handle as I felt that the one time I changed my pattern and allowed myself to be vulnerable; I got hurt and punished for taking the harder road.

It was a time of my life where I felt so out of control as there was nothing I could do to make the painful feelings go away. I felt emotionally crippled, and told myself that I would avoid any future possibilities of me ending up in the same scenario again.

I dated and met different people, and each dating experience was a failure. Perhaps it was that I just never came across the right fit, but more likely it was because of my relentless effort to cut things off with anyone who showed a sign of potentially causing me pain or hurt. Consequently, things would never pass the dating phase because I’d cut things off usually before it could go any further than that.

In recent months, I have met someone and while it’s taken me some time, I’m comfortable applying the label of being “in a relationship”. The title to me comes with commitment and a decision of entering a partnership with someone with a certain mentality. It means that instead of “tossing it out” when a hiccup or obstacle appears, to approach with the attitude of working it out and moving forward. It’s a complete mentality shift for me. Getting to this point has taken me time, reflection and consciously quieting my brain and shutting off the stories that play in my head that are rooted in fear.

And while I’m in a healthy and positive relationship, to tell you the truth, the stories of my past, my insecurities of being quit on or being disposable, or my partner one day getting bored of me – those insecurities still exist, although quieter some days than others. To be honest, I’m so scared of being vulnerable again and having faith in someone who holds my heart is actually something I have to work hard at. And so far, each time a hiccup has occurred, my ego wants to first react but then I make a conscious decision to go against it and do what will work for the relationship. As my friend Jen positioned it eloquently, “think of what is a deal maker versus a deal breaker”.

Relationships, whether romantic or platonic are works in progress. The closest ones will never be a completely smooth ride as these relationships are part of your world to help you evolve and grow. Some relationships won’t make it, but some are worth putting aside the ego, the fears, insecurities and pride and working it through. The challenges are an opportunity for growth. And we have the power to choose whether we take the road of growth or the road of defeat.

**Picture found on weheartit.com

I’ve heard the argument from some of my male friends that Sex and the City is “ruining the young minds of females” in terms of how sex has been positioned. At first I didn’t agree, after all, it was a show that I thoroughly enjoyed, and just because characters on TV were having sex with anyone, anywhere any anytime they pleased, it didn’t mean that there was a direct correlation to the audience’s behavior. But is there?

I recall watching the sitcom when it first came out. Being a younger girl, I admit I thought it was so “cool” how Samantha was so sexually free and liberated. Men could be objects or toys to her and instead of her getting heartbroken or hung up over one guy who wasn’t in to her, she seemed to be so strong and had men at her disposal. So personally speaking, yes, the show did have influence on how appropriate and socially acceptable it was to be sexually “free” and casual. However, when you’re a young female, without much of an idea of who you really are and what you stand for, being so “casual” about sex and your body can really cause pain, confusion and low-self esteem.

A factor that girls seem to neglect is that characters like Samantha are over the age of 40, have an established career, a pretty strong idea of what they want and don’t want – and has made the decision that being casual about sex is what works. If you are a woman who has a strong sense of self, esteem and confidence and make the same choice, then hey, all the more power to you.

But unfortunately, many of the girls who watch and are influenced by Sex and the City may not be at such a phase in their lives, in fact, they’re really trying to create their identity and define their own boundaries. And in that case, then I do think the show can send out the wrong message.

Call me old fashioned, but perhaps as I’m growing older I’m reverting back to a more traditional stance, and I believe that the body is sacred and whether you are a male or female, you should be selective with whom you share it with. I have witnessed girls not hold enough respect for themselves and thinking that having sex is a way of having the guy like them more, or rush in to the physical realm before being emotionally ready and getting really hurt afterward.

I think many females can relate to doing this at some point, whether we’d like to admit it or not. We can say all we want that “it’s just sex” and that you can be completely detached emotionally from the physical act, but honestly, if the guy was to want to offer more or be extremely sweet and caring afterward, would you really not want to explore more of a commitment? One study seems to think so.
According to the study, after the first sexual encounter, women feel more attached and care more for the man. Men react differently however. For men who have had many sexual partners, “having sex for the first time with a woman leads to a decrease in his physical and sexual attraction for the woman: (Trees, Andrew. “Decoding Love”). Perhaps it’s due to evolutionary reasons dated beyond our time, where women are looking for a father to help raise children and men are trying to spread their “seed” to create offspring.

Of course, you always have to take such studies with a grain of salt, and there would be no committed relationships if this was always true. But it is interesting to think of the effects that sex can have on us that we may not admit.

I think the key is to just be really honest with yourself and make decisions that will serve you, not just in heat and lust of the moment, but in the long run. Find what works for you .You may think there is no emotion attached to the physical, but in reality, most of the times there is, and that misconception can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and damaging of the self-esteem. Respect your body and be respected. To me, that’s liberating.

A common complaint from my female friends is that a man puts his best foot forward during the chase and courtship.  In the beginning, they have all the time and attention in the world for you, they may wine and dine you, pay compliments and their words are nothing but sweet and complimentary.

But after time, when the relationship is solidified, and the man has “conquered”, something changes. Perhaps the man gets more comfortable and feels that there is no longer a need to keep up with the chivalry and extra effort, perhaps it’s just a natural progression of the different stages of love…

Of course, often the woman changes too. Whereas the first few months were full of lace and lingerie, easy going hangouts and late nights, fast forward a year and there then floods an influx of demands, routine, and sweatpants. Case of bait and switch?!

It seems as if sometimes, when you reach the stage where you’re comfortable in the relationship, there is a sense that “cruise control” is good enough. There is an idea that the relationship will maintain organically and subconsciously, and the amount of effort and energy once required to get the relationship started tapers off. This may work for some couples, however, what makes the difference from being just a “good” relationship and a “great” one, requires more than maintenance and reacting to issues. Instead, it’s being proactive and consciously making a daily effort to invest in the relationship. And in this day in age where your “I have no time” has become your mantra and you have more face time with your blackberry than human interaction, the choice to not let laziness or the excuse of the day take hold of your daily commitment is just that – a choice and a priority.

My friend told me, “relationships are like gardens.” – BV. They need to be trimmed, groomed, and occasionally, you see a plant or a fountain that just doesn’t fit anymore, and you move it, remove it or even replace it. The point is, the garden just grows wild and perhaps even with full of weeds if you don’t put the attention, love and care that is needed to keep it beautiful.

I couldn’t’ agree more. There are a few things I think are simple yet often overlooked when you hit the “comfort” zone of a relationship. Here’s some traditions I think make for great relationships and help harvest a beautiful garden.

Quality time – Make the effort and choice to provide undivided attention when together. While this may not be possible all the time, being distracted and non-present should be exceptions, not common occurrence.

Both people must be on the same page when committing to growing and investing in the relationship. If both people, everyday, think about how they can build the relationship and make the other person happy, the relationship will balance and flow.

Be polite and courteous. Never be derogatory or condescending even when joking around.

Give more than you take. Think of the other person before yourself. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes is the seed to compassion and empathy.

Don’t go to sleep upset.

Treat each other with respect, love and care.

Say what you mean. Do what you say. The minute you break a promise, even a small one, you lose trust. If you really want something, you’ll find a way. Excuses for not delivering mean you just didn’t want it badly enough.

Greet each other in a loving and excited way. I learned this from Tony Robbins. He made the comparison to how the excitement of when a dog greets you and how that increases happiness. I see how that really can set the tone. Imagine every time you walk through the door your partner greets you with the biggest hug and smile? What a great feeling.

And of course, communicate. Even the strongest love won’t prevail if there isn’t a healthy exchange of communication that is based in love and honesty, not pride and ego.

Components of my life have changed dramatically – my home, my career, my headspace…I guess you can say, I’ve grown up. While I will always be the girl who gets excited over a cupcake, daydreams of ballerina twirls, wears her heart on her sleeve and believes that romantic, earth moving, unconditional love exists, I am also a woman who has made mistakes, wasted tears, held back due to fears but, fortunately, learned a lot during the ride.

Today, I look back on my year, and would like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

On work:

You can create your destiny. Determine and visualize where you want to be first and foremost as after, you can discover the steps needed to get there.

Calmness is an acquired skill. Train yourself to handle the most intense situations with a calm, cool and collected demeanor which others will find reassuring and comforting.

Confidence cannot be faked. It’s energy. What’s worse is if you are insecure about the value you provide and try to overcompensate by loud theatrics, unnecessary comments or go off on a tangent.

If you are on the agency/vendor side – NEVER get too comfortable. Remember, your relationship is business first and foremost. Dress appropriately and when in doubt, wear an undershirt. I am your client and do not want to see your hairy chest during a pitch.

Balance. Doesn’t matter how busy or important you are, if you don’t get some proper “me” time and balance – your work, productivity, output, relationships and efficiency will suffer in the long run.

Dress the part, act the part, talk the part, walk the part, be the part.

“Complaining is not a winning strategy”. Come with solutions and options, weigh the pros and cons of each. Move forward.

A lesson I learned while working at DDB and with my current company. Mediocrity or simply “good” is not enough. Strive for greatness. If you cannot say that you’re proud of what you’ve produced, then don’t bother.

If it’s your profession, do not be afraid to ask for compensation for your services, ideas or expertise. Your time is money, don’t just give it to anyone.

There is a difference between being aggressive and assertive. As a woman, don’t overcompensate for your insecurity or fear by acting aggressive and bitchy. Be assertive – know your value, ask for what you want and have the data to back up your requests.

Always be prepared to pitch.

When I’m about to get emotional or take something personally over a work situation, I take a pause and ask, “What would a man do in this situation?” It helps me remove the sensitivity, hormones and unnecessary drama to move forward.

On Friends:

Your community is a key pillar in your joy, empowerment and happiness. Be open, share, give, contribute, bring value and appreciate.

Don’t be the chick who disappears off the face of the earth once you have a boyfriend. It’s lame, it’s old and quality friends don’t deserve that.

If you always come to the table thinking of what you can do to give and to make the other person happy, you will always win. The ones who are takers and who don’t add value to your life will eventually weed out.

As you grow, you can also grow out of your friendships. People change and grow apart, that’s just a fact of life. Don’t feel guilt or do things out of obligation because of that.

Make effort. Invest in your relationships with key friends.

On Love and Men…

“The most important relationship is the one with yourself.” Work on yourself, learn, grow, and once you are at a place of contentment and self love, that is when you truly ready to create love with another. No one can fix you, at least not for long.

Have standards, not expectations. Standards is a level of quality, respect and value exchange that are non- negotiables. You deserve to be treated the way you treat others. Expectations are the check list of unrealistic ideals and demands which is often rooted in a sense of entitlement.

Likes likes like. You like people because they resemble the parts you like about yourself. You also dislike people for this very reason. Who you are drawn to and draw in, are thus entirely due to your own energy.

Know your needs, values and non-negotiables. If there is a conflict of what needs can and cannot be fulfilled, it’s best to be honest and address it earlier than later. You have three options, one person changes, you accept the situation entirely for what it is, or you remove yourself from the situation.

Do what you say. Say what you mean.

Don’t ever take each other for granted. That’s giving up. Always try.

Know your language of love and what your partner’s language of love is. You can make effort to show your love in the language they understand (quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and words of affirmation).

You allow people to treat you the way they do.

Show compassion.

Relationships don’t go on cruise control. They need constant attention, care and effort. Whether this means dates, surprises, spontaneity or taking up a hobby to grow together, find ways to keep it exciting.

Always want the best for your partner and wish happiness for them. Even if this means at times you have to compromise, watch a movie you don’t want to or be patient with your needs.

Guys – when a girl is upset, insecure or just needing attention, sometimes all she really wants is a huge hug that tells her everything is going to be okay and reassurance of your feelings and support.

Every real man, has a plan. Have faith.

On Feeling Fabulous

Make an effort on your presentation. Laziness is not an excuse.

Be thankful everyday and share your feelings of gratitude with people the people who touch your life.

Give. Engage in random acts of kindness. Help people. Be kind and generous without expecting anything in return. Karma will come back to you ten fold.

Have a clean home and tidy desk.

Seek the goodness in others. People will become what you expect of them.

Do thoughtful things that will make others happy. Happiness is contagious.

Thank you…

I’m now on my 8th month of being a published writer in the 24 Hours. Thank you to all the kind strangers who have read my blogs and shared with me your own stories, heartaches, growth, inspiration and love.

To my friends, my amazing sisters, and community – thank you for showering me with love and kindness. I feel so strong, empowered and fortunate because you are a part of my life.

You allow people to treat you the way they do. Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. I know many women, who have settled for less, and simply “accepted” cards dealt because deep inside, they don’t believe they deserve more. I’m sure you know of someone, who seems to have it all together in their life, but when it come to relationships, they just can’t seem to shake the habit of dating douchebags and douchettes.

In my life, I’ve created my destiny within my career, friendships and community. With friends, I’ve really embraced the fact that friends are all unique pieces of a pie. Some will be lifetime friends that are next to family, some are social friends, some acquaintances. I’ve learned to appreciate the various types and unique forms of value each friend brings, and as well as a system of how much and what kind of energy I invest to whom. I am blessed with the best friends ever, but that inner circle is sacred and thoughtfully selective.

However, in my relationships with men, I’ve witnessed myself apply a different system – if you can even call it a system at that. I’ve tolerated men who don’t appreciate me, who don’t value my heart, who take and take, who don’t call back, who have disrespected me – I’ve allowed men to not treat me what I’m worth. This is all a matter of self-esteem and my sense of self worth in the realm of being a woman in a romantic relationship. I’ve made excuses, justified, and eagerly re-entered the game of push and pull with men who clearly don’t really value me much at all. And you know what, it sucks and feels pretty crappy at the end – chipping away the low self-esteem that got me there in the first place even more.

It took me 28 years of being hungry for love, even desperate for it at times, heart aches, heart tramples, picking up that phone when every cell in your body knows it’s the unhealthy thing to do, obsessing, infactuating, idealizing – you name it, for me to finally wake up, and realize, that my most important relationship, is the one with myself.

I’ve learned to embrace self love. And while I’ll always be a perpetual student in this journey, I’ve made the decision to apply my successful method in dealing with friendships and business to how I do my relationships. I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am and have learned that I am “perfect” the way I am, right now, right here. I will constantly be growing, evolving and working on bad habits, but those flaws, those imperfections are part of the beauty that makes me, me. I can now easily recognize men who are drawn to me only for the best of me, and as Marilyn Munroe best put it, “…If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

If I could talk to my younger self – that girl desperate for love and therefore often blinded by ideas, fabrications and untruths in order to try and capture it, I’d tell her:

“Amy, love will come to you, when you learn to love yourself, first and foremost”.

I can’t go back in time to correct my mistakes, but I can today share what I’ve learned with younger women, some who may have a misconstrued idea that giving their body away carelessly can equal love. In the words of my wise friend SK – “Be the gatekeeper”. Your heart is a precious gift. Your body is a temple. Be selective. Respect it and be respected. Love yourself and be loved. It you don’t respect and love yourself first, building a healthy relationship with another is like building a house with no foundation – eventually the cracks and lack of a strong base will eventually cause it to crumble.

Know your value and don’t accept being treated in a way less than you deserve. Now, I don’t mean to start going out there with unrealistic expectations, demands and a sense of entitlement. I am saying that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and vice versa. The minute you negotiate your self worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don’t deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins. Change for yourself and of course, friends and partners are great mirror reflections that help you grow. But don’t change out of the wrong reasons to appease someone or in hopes that they will like you more – if they judge you for who you are now – they aren’t your fit. I’ll end off with a quote that is an inspiring reminder:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” – Sex in the City

I found these words very interesting and true – when we do something – what is the real intention behind it? When you give to someone – whether that be a gift, your energy or your words – is it from a place of sincerity, of no expectations… of love? Or, when you dig deeper, is it actually because you want to be liked or accepted, or expect something in return?

First, let’s talk about the act of giving. I consider myself an extremely generous and giving person and I admit, that at various times in my life, I have given (with the delusion that the act was coming from a pure place), when really, it was calculated or with condition. In other words, the act was fear based. And at the end, I would feel “taken” from, even victimized, if the energy/favour wasn’t reciprocated in return.

I’ve learned that there is a lot of joy and fulfillment that comes from the form of giving that comes from a place of love and sincerity. Meaning, whether that be the initiation of communication, a gift or an act of service – you hold no expectation of what follows afterwards. You don’t feel fulfilled from what they give back or how they react – you feel fulfilled because you know you helped or made someone feel a little more at ease, cared for or loved in some way. That, which is an act that is love based never comes with the feeling of being “jipped” afterwards nor result in pain.

In no way am I saying that one should keep giving to energy vampires, constant takers or those who encompass a conflicting value set in regards to generosity and sharing. Nor am I saying that you should not be selective with who you share your energy with. I believe that those who cannot give love are unable to truly receive it. It is like giving to a bottomless pit or an insatiable appetite that is always hungry for more. I believe in being kind to others, perfect strangers included, but when it involves investing a substantial part of your heart, soul and energy, know that when you are depleted, you lack the resources needed for your own self nourishment. If you do give a part of you –whatever form that may take – and you feel taken advantage of, victimized or “ripped off” – ask yourself truthfully what place that act really came from.

Next, I’d like to talk about control – which is a major ingredient in many acts and decisions we choose to make. I think often, control is mistakenly equated to empowerment. I am not referring to the kind of control in terms of self discipline, leadership, etc. I’m talking about the dark, ugly kind of control. The kind that is rooted in insecurity, which again, is based in fear. And out of that Pandora’s Box, is where jealousy and the “need” to exert power over another is born. You see this in many relationships – where lack of trust, faith and security creates a power struggle, an off-balance and a blockage of flow.

We all have insecurities, it’s a part of being human, but we can either let those insecurities rule us or not. The more you try to mask your insecurity by exerting a contrived sense of control, the more insecurity and fear based your actions become. Next time before you make a conscious decision that involves another being, ask yourself truthfully, if it is fear based or love based. Call it karma, call it the unspoken laws of the universe, but at some point, in some shape or form, love will breed love, and negativity and breed negativity.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

“I no longer want to spend the rest of my life… with you.”

I can still remember the blur, the feeling, the crushing physical pain that shocked through my heart… the numbness. Within a matter of five words, my entire world, the reality that I based my life around – was shattered.

Just…like…that.

I thought I would eventually just run out of tears – I mean, was it even possible for a girl to cry so much, and still have more tears left to shed? In all honesty, I didn’t see it coming. Quitting, not working things out – those were not even options that crossed my mind even in the toughest times. The ironic thing is, it ended when I thought things were going so well. Perhaps I was in denial; perhaps my commitment to fight for something I believed in, and my devotion to honor loyalty and commitment outweighed my rationale.

I felt like I had lost my best friend, I doubted myself and questioned if “I was good enough”. I wondered what was so wrong with me – that someone who had once envisioned an entire lifetime together, could just change their mind in what seemed like an impulsive instant.

I was broken for a long while, even if I didn’t show it to the world, and nothing could fix me.  One night, I found out he had moved on – and offered that same world that was once painted for me…to another person. If I had thought before that I couldn’t be broken anymore, I found out that night I was wrong. Shattered in a million pieces again – there I was, on the floor of my bathroom, in my beautiful vintage dress, crying and crying and crying some more…I felt so alone.

But eventually, piece by piece, I started to come together again. Time was my glue, along with amazing friends, self reflection and planting seeds of joy that were not dependant on external variables. Today, marks a year later, and I’m happy and proud to say, that those seeds have really started to sow.

A year later, I have deepened my friendships with existing friends, cultivated relationships with new friends, opened up to meeting different people, and have built a community that is based on value exchange, growth and support. I sold my condo – a property I had purchased for all the wrong reasons and have moved in to a loft that finally feels like home. In my career, I held out moving to another company until the absolute right fit came along, and that time has come. I’ve accepted an amazing opportunity at my dream job.

And in my heart, I feel content. Before, I was always either looking for someone, with someone or missing someone.  For the first time in my life, I am happy being just as I am. And while things are really on the right track, I feel that even if I lost the external factors – I’d still get up and adapt…my joy is my own.

A year later, I can look back and see clearly how the longevity of that relationship didn’t happen for a reason. I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot lose yourself and change the person you once were. Despite the many laughs and beautiful moments we shared, at the very truth of it, it didn’t fit. And I knew that deep down – whether I wanted to admit it or not. So did he.  He just chose to face the truth.

If you’re reading this, and going through a similar experience, I hope that this piece gives you some hope and maybe some relief – that yes, it sucks right now as you’re going through it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And as you slowly reach it, things just start to make sense more and more. You grow so much, and when you look back, all you have are your lessons learned, the clarity to make better choices and the knowing that you handled yourself with grace, with class and without regret.

We are all familiar with the old adage, “Everything happens for a reason”. But the opposite is also true. “Everything doesn’t happen for a reason”. When something doesn’t work out according to plan, it’s natural for us to feel upset, slighted, or unfairly punished by the universe, but when you eventually get through it and look back, in retrospect you realize how one door didn’t open because you were meant to walk through another.

A new time has arrived where men and women alike guard material and theoretical possessions with military-esque precision yet allow for their hearts to be disposable. This time seldom sits down for a hot, slowly chewed, homemade meal, or stops to smell the roses… hell -  it hardly stops at all. This time that we are living in is so over exposed, so over excited, that it needs medication to slow down the senses. The simplicity of love has been muffled by the disorientation of priorities. Well I am here to tell you, everything you will ever need is inside you, and there is nothing less disconcerting than someone who is afraid to give with their whole heart. Whether it is the love of a moment, or love of another person, unexpressed gratitude for the purity of these shooting stars of happiness is a moment lost never to be found again. To the people of the “self deserving” generation, who assume they are just naturally entitled to whomever, whenever, at whatever suits their schedules and ego’s, a reminder that this world does not revolve around you. It never has. It never will. Pure love does not happen to just anyone, any day. It is earned.

Do not think twice about opening your life. First truly to yourself, then to another. Understand that success is not measured in figures, networks, contacts, or image: but in the arms of the person that has exclusively chosen to call you their own, one that understands that every great man in history has had a great woman by his side. A strong woman, who weaves dreams, giggles in solitude, is a child at heart and pure in soul. She cries and that doesn’t show weakness, she wishes and that doesn’t show naivety, she pushes for more because she should, not because she’s ungrateful. Love that woman. Love that man. Allow these people on the conquest for something bigger to rise to the top and be together. Because there is too much and many that do not attempt for this level of excellence in their heart of hearts. To each their own! But not for one moment should those that do feel they are asking for too much. Ladies with little girls in their hearts, there is a man that will pick you wild flowers, hold you with all the strength in the world, and look at you every single day like you are the most perfect entity that skipped on the floor of this earth. Men, there is a lady that will always say thank you, that will be gentle and kind, strong and civil, intelligent and true, and never take you for granted.

Negotiate less, strive for more. Find a love that even time will lay down and be still for.

Azita Ardakani {Hopeful Romantic}

The “Drug” kind of guy feels good when you have its attention, its eye… and when you don’t; you are left craving and yearning for your next fix. You know in your gut that it’s bad for you, but the desire to have that moment of pleasure, that rush, is so overpowering that you make decisions that are against your rationale anyway. And as your friends are all shaking their head at the cycle of abuse you’ve signed up for, you can’t help but shake off that dangerous allure of the bad boy – their  “I don’t care” attitude, their alpha male confidence, their unavailability…

Throughout the years, my same “drug” experience with this type of man has repeated itself in my life. To them, I’m just another high  – when you provide them pleasure, they like you, and when you don’t, they don’t care for you.  In my experiences this type of man gave me a strange feeling of validation, of being “special” – because out of everyone who showers him with attention in the crowd, he “picked me”.  However, the primary reason why he liked me in the first place was due to the “Siren” extension of self I exuded –an Amy that is glammed up, ultra confident, flirtatious and sexy. And while I am busy maintaining my “ceremonies” for attracting, so is he – with his ego and alpha male extension of self  - both of our alter egos doing the flirting dance.

Then there is another kind, the “Vitamin” kind. This person has self love, and therefore is able to give and receive love. He isn’t looking to you to fulfill him or provide another exciting rush or chase. He sees you for the beauty beyond your shell – your essence (which is a constant) and is patient and understanding throughout your various extensions of self (which is always changing). When you’re around him, there is a sharing of an honest, sincere and positive energy.  It’s healthy for you and whether your experience with this person lasts for just a moment or a few years, your heart and soul are left just a little more joyful because of them.

Seems like common sense doesn’t it? But to this very day, my attraction to the “drug” still exists, and probably always will.  It’s not easy changing patterns – the justifying, the lowering of standards, the cycles of abuse/mistreatment that we suddenly tolerate as a norm. But, while the draw may always be there to some degree, my decision to delve into it once again and allowing the high to inhabit my headspace is a conscious choice. Now I’m asking myself different questions before making my decisions. Instead of, “Will this feel good/exciting right now?” I use the following question as my guide: “Where do you want to go, and will the decision you’re about to make take you one step closer in that direction, or veer you off your path”?

It was fun while it lasted -  the drugs, vitamins, Tylenols – heck, the whole gamut – but I’m quite ready to retire from the unhealthy choices and the excitement/ drama that comes along with it.  I’m able to recognize the reality right away versus before, when I’d visualize a fantasy of what could be and believe I could actually tame a wild horse. There are consequences of grasping on to the temporary highs – not just the pain, but eventually, a chipping of self esteem, self worth and standards. You also get into such a pattern of the exciting bad boys that you may overlook and miss opportunity to the real gems out there…the Vitamin Kind.

But as I mused over the temptation of the  ‘benefits’ that may derive from increasing physical attraction, a realization came into my head. Am I on an endless pursuit of pretty? Of perfection? Will this insatiable appetite to improve my looks, my hair, my body – ever be met? Or is there something else going on here?

Yes, at a very young age we are primed as little girls that being pretty and girly is rewarded. As a young girl, I learned how being cute would get my way. As I entered grade school, I learned that the pretty girls were the ones that boys gave attention to. And as I entered high school, I learned that looking and acting more “grown up” coupled with pretty and sexuality was what brought attention and getting a dance partner at the high school dances. In my early twenties I thought oozing sexual energy and a carefree party girl energy was empowering. I got tons of attention, albeit, most of it the wrong type of attention.

Now in my late twenties, I look back and see how I was “rewarded” for pretty. And while I have learned that it is my values, my spirit and soul that is what my friends and the few loves of my life cherish about me, and am able to look in the mirror and be satisfied with the reflection – I still find myself at times stuck at the Botox question. Why?

I think that when you are used to getting attention or praise for looks, you focus on that as the point of why people like you. So, a cycle begins, and you want to keep improving that one thing you are getting rewarded or given attention for. However, along the way, it is so easy to get caught up that you forget what really makes you a beautiful being.

During a recent trip to another metropolitan city, I went out to the popular social spots. Being one of the only Asian girls in the crowd, I received a fair amount of attention. I admit, I relished in it – and mentally, I became so focused on continuing to attract that attention that I wouldn’t even step out to get a coffee without mascara on. I ended up attracted a male that caught my eye and found myself at 21 again, wanting to look “perfect” for him. In a sense, I played the “Siren”. The Siren can be referred to as the girl who uses her looks and seductive ways of flirting to gain the attention of the man. By default, she must engage in the perpetual maintenance of that extension presented in order to sustain the attention of the man in the first place. The little girl in her says, “If he likes me because I’m pretty, then the equation would seem that being pretty would equal being liked more”. This has nothing really to do with the male – it’s all to do with the reality you chose to create inside your head, and in this case, my head. And it’s quite an exhausting cycle, and ironically, detrimental to the self-esteem.

Now, I’m not saying to just stop caring about your presentation or how you look, nor am I saying that I’ll never actually go through with Botox one day. But I am saying, try to understand the real reasons behind it. I have had friends that have danced with anorexia, bulimia and pills in the quest to be thinner than a size 2. I have often equated pretty = men will like/love you. It’s an illusion so ingrained that it can actually eat at your true beauty. And whatever the procedure, whether it is fake tanning, surgery or Botox, the pursuit of pretty is an endless one, and one with a destination that can never be obtained.

I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to do the right thing – for yourself and for the other person. Our emotions, feelings and chemical reactions rule us –and it is the easier and weaker route to fall to what just “feels good” at the time instead of what is ultimately healthy and positive.

A breakup is very similar to the different stages of mourning the loss of someone. You will go through the rollercoaster of emotions – at first, a lot of sadness, loneliness and a whole lot of missing. You will doubt your decision and even make justifications. The next stage is denial. At this point, you will probably attempt to establish relations again. This part is very tricky. Everyone does it and it’s a very new age liberal way of doing things – but be aware it does prolong the healing and getting over process. Anger will definitely be another stage – where you resent, recount the bad memories, the fights and feel victimized. Then it circles back again to sadness, where you think you’ll never open your heart again and tread like a fragile bird, afraid of anything being able to hurt you again.

It’s been over half a year since my heartbreak, and to be honest, while my everyday is filled with great friends, tons of joy and lots and lots of laughter, there are moments, especially at night, when I’m alone, that I have my moments of overwhelming emotion. I still struggle with the fact that someone who I loved so dearly left me and so easily started a new life with someone else.  So when you see how I build up walls, delete potential men out of my life and fight so hard to protect my ego and heart – this is where it comes from. A place of fear – where all of my insecurities – abandonment and not being good enough  - looms over me as a risk if I open my heart again.

It has taken the advice and wisdom of good friends and family, beautiful songs, witnessing others in positive relationship to take me out of my jaded black cloud and believe in love again. I’ve realized that all I can do is be a source of love myself – embrace the love around me, cherish it and give and share it with others. That is my source of joy.

I’ll end off with a quote that always reminds me of you – a constantly changing, ever- evolving soul:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”.

Love,

Me.

Pleasure is fleeting. You experience pleasure when you have something – whether that be a person, a decadent dessert, the excitement of a new purchase, but when you don’t have it, you feel it’s  opposite – pain. Have you ever been in an unhealthy relationship where you feel pangs of pleasure when are together or share intimacy, but the minute he/she is not there or you no longer share those experiences you feel immense pain? Versus, have you ever truly, and sincerely loved someone and feel joy whether you are with them or not? You embrace the moments that have been shared, and that constant joy and love cannot be injured.

I’ve definitely experienced both and recently, a wise man told me the words “Move through life fearlessly. Who you are cannot be injured.” While I’ve always had a pretty positive outlook on life, these words were very inspiring. I’ve built some major defense mechanisms and walls to protect my ego and heart, to avoid pain or the chance of disappointment. But I have realized that while I may fall from time to time, I always get back up because at my very core, I have joy and love…and no person, no hardship and no external factor can take that away. Of course, I haven’t always been like that, and there are and will be many times where I’ll feed my insatiable appetite for pleasure… nothing wrong with that. But, I think it’s important we understand the pain – pleasure dichotomy as it will shape our lives.

We live in a consumer society where upgrading and the mentality of “out with the old and in with the new” prevails. There is always something bigger and better, the grass is always greener on the other side and suddenly, an IPOD that holds 10,000 songs seems primitive. Many of us lack joy, which is why we find as many ways as we can to fill the gap with rushes of pleasure. Below is a thought evoking excerpt from the world teacher, Jiddhu Krishnamurti:

“It is the struggle to repeat and perpetuate pleasure which turns it into pain. The very demand for the repetition of pleasure brings about pain, because it is not the same, as it was yesterday. You struggle to achieve the same delight…and you are hurt and disappointed if it denied to you. Have you observed what happens to you when you are denied a little pleasure? When you don’t get what you want you become anxious, envious, even hateful. Have you noticed when you have been denied the pleasure of drinking or smoking or sex or whatever it is – have you noticed what battles you go through?” (Krishnamurti, Jiddhu. Freedom From the Known. Chapter 4).

I’ll reference back to relationships, because I have a lot of female friends who are at points in their lives when they are sticking to the same patterns with men or about to make pivotal changes in the direction of their relationships. When deciding to pursue a relationship, or stay in a one, is that decision based on getting instant gratification, soothing a deeper issue of attachment or insecurity? It is a decision that will feed your appetite for pleasure and consequently its shadow, pain?

Can you experience something, whether that be the beauty of a sunset, an experience with someone you truly love, the magic sensation of a new taste or a perfect melody…and look at it without thirsting for the experience to be repeated? I think when you can, you experience tremendous joy.

So just because two people have a different idea on values and what is right/wrong…is that relationship doomed? Well that depends, you either accept it and with patience and understanding accept that there will may be another “breach” in your values…or you realize that there are some things that are non negotiable and cannot be compromised.

We’ve all heard the saying “opposites attract”, but in reality this isn’t actually the case. In fact, studies show that married couples who have non similar value sets have a much higher rate of divorce than those who share similar values and beliefs (Trees, Andrew, “Decoding Love”). My entire life, I’ve never really had a strategy on how I approach romantic relationships. Pretty much if an opportunity presented itself and there were feelings strong enough, I’d be open to it. However, going forward, I will use the same strategy in how I approach my friendships and business relationships; see if there is a similar/complimentary set of values first and foremost and then determine whether to move forward or not.

So the criticism is that people can change or learn, and you may be missing out on someone great because of such a filtering system. Maybe so, and maybe I’ll miss out on some fun and adventures, but at this stage in my life, I think I’d rather know upfront if there is a clash in values versus finding out 2 years down the road.

If I were to have a dating 101 manual to guide me through all the times I’ve been a complete ass during my relationships and dating experiences…well, I was about to say that I’d be better off now, but really, my stories wouldn’t be half as entertaining.

So when you’re on a date or pursuing someone, when and why does it go downhill? When is that pivotal point where someone goes from the “have potential” pile to the “you’re a douchbag” pile? Usually there is a point when the interest level drops to absolute zero within a matter of seconds.

Since a little dating 101 is never a bad thing, I’m going to share a few tips and pointers for men when trying to attract a girl or get a date.

Here’s to “what not to do…”

When on a dinner date and your glass and my glass is empty, and there is enough water for one glass in the pitcher…do not pour all the water into your own cup. (if you are reading this and wondering if this was you, yes it is and now you know why I would never hang out with you again).

When trying to get me to respond on a dating site, do not get angry that I haven’t responded to your previous message and accuse me of being racist and only liking “white guys”.

If I met you at rave and thought you were the coolest thing and by the end of the night I couldn’t get away from you any faster, blame it on the love candy and not on my insensitivity.

If you are married and have a baby on the way, do not lie about your marital status, leave your own baby shower to take me for bento box and then accidentally leave your msn on for your wife to contact me.

If I make the effort to hang out at your place, you ask me to stay over and I say no, do not let me walk to my car at 1:00 am by myself while you’re perplexed about your non-action night.

Do not count a wad of cash wrapped in a rubber band while eating at Red Robins.

Do not tell me you have over 4 kids and think I’ll still want to make out with you.

Do not hit on me all night and then when I’m not looking, hit on my best friend. Girls tell each other everything. We talk…A LOT.

Probably should refrain from telling me you love me the first time we meet.

If you are an asian gangster with your shirt buttoned half down and carrying your signature LV man purse, do not tell your girlfriends to try to recruit me to hang out with you and your douchebag friends at the club. I can sense douchebag activity a mile away.

On a dating site, do not use any of the following usernames: “SpankYouVeryMuch”, “GreenEyesForYou” or “Daaa Money”.

I know these are recessionary times, but dude, do not ask me to hire you. Pitching while flirting doesn’t go well together.

Ok…that’s a handful of tips, I have more, but we’ll save those for a rainy day – and unfortunately, yes, all of the above are true experiences. Happy dating!

It’s easy to judge; perhaps it’s part intuition, but there are times when we make a judgment or an assumption that is partially blinded. We don’t see the layers, the reasons, the facts and are quick to dismiss, roll our eyes or get angry at the parts we do see and the story we made up of those parts. We create a story without recognizing the real story behind that person’s behavior or choices.

I too, am judged by others and sometimes it serves me and sometimes it doesn’t. Professionally, I have experienced being judged as “young” which can hold negative connotations especially in an environment where “seasoned’ and “tenured” are highly regarded. I have been judged as a female and yes, have experienced being seen first as a “young little Asian girl” before being seen for my intellect or marketing knowledge. I have experienced being seen as a sex object before respected as a professional despite being completely conscious of not exerting that type of energy.

I have been judged as sweet, bitchy, arrogant , successful, lucky, analytical, insecure, confident, a party girl, an attention seeker, unrealistic… And the thing is, I don’t deny any of these labels as I’ve been all these things and more depending on the day, the moment or situation. We all have so many different facets to us – some choose to not show more than one or two, some aren’t afraid to show all their colors, and some take a long time and a lot of trust to open up – but each person has these layers, these facets and the stories that are behind them.

To feel compassion is not easy nor automatic especially in times when you are tested and feeling something negative. Personally, it’s something I’m working on – to look behind the word and actions that may rub me the wrong way, and instead of feeling angry about it, be compassionate that there is a reason, a story behind why someone is saying or doing those things that you may find hurtful. I invite you to join me in an exercise to judge less – the next time you are about to get angry or irritated by someone, whether it be the cab driver or someone close to you – take a moment to think about the possible story they have that may have made them that way or caused them to come off a certain way. And perhaps that anger or negative emotion will transform into compassion.

-Annonymous

I love that quote and I think it applies to all of us at some point or another in our lives. Perhaps we lost a job, lost a friend or suffered a heartbreak… In the moment of that grand obstacle, you likely feel feelings of despair, sadness, loss, inner turmoil, fear, and a loss of hope that you will ever be happy again. But as a strong human being, you endure, time heals and you move forward. You find a new career, even better and more challenging than before and in retrospect see how if that first door hadn’t closed, another would not have opened. You realize that you will never be able to bring someone back to life, but the memories and the energy of them is a part of you which is eternal. You hit the final stage of grieving when you realize that yes, you will love again.

I’ve been through my share of what seem like losses at the time and now understand that those are just part of the various chapters of your life story. Some parts may feel better than others, but each part is essential to the story of your life. Of course, the upcoming chapter is no chance of the universe – and it is your decision on how you choose to handle the various obstacles and opportunities that will arise. I feel a transformation in 2009, and I am excited for a year of positive changes, growth and self love.

I’ve always had new goals and objectives throughout the year. I’ve been a great believer of writing your goals down and being focused on what you want to achieve. I realized that for the last ten years, my goals have always centered around achievement, financial success and career growth. While I’m thankful of where that mindset and vision has taken me, I think I neglected creating goals and vision that focused on me. The inner me that includes self love, patience, inner peace and physical and spiritual health.

Throughout my life I have been distracted with the chase – the next job, position or purchase. The thing is, if you are always running and thinking of the next destination you don’t have a chance to really appreciate where you really are in the present. And when things slow down, you realize you are uncomfortable with the stillness and maybe even that chaos and adrenaline is a preferable state. I’ve dealt with that discomfort by just starting the race again but in 2009, I’ve decided that instead of filling up a void with another distraction, I will work on myself and being content with where I am. My goals are very different than what they were just a year ago. My 2009 goals are focused on practicing yoga, nourishing my body and soul, reading more, expressing through creativity, embracing self love, love towards others and being open to love, growing past impatience and slowing down my mind.

This year is going to be a very significant one, full of change and growth. Thank you all who have been part of my story – whether you are part of my closest circle, a peer, or even just a facebook poke! I wish you all love, peace, patience and compassion.

“Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Throughout my breakup, I admit as strong and confident as I pride myself to be, I have had many moments where insecurities overwhelmed me like a cloak of black touching my every thought. I questioned what was wrong with me, what I could have done differently, how I could have been more of this… less of that…I doubted myself and my self love. Perhaps I wasn’t athletic enough, perhaps I had some childhood complex, perhaps I wasn’t confident or strong enough…perhaps I wasn’t good enough. Those are all the questions that was part of my inner dialogue while trying to figure out what went wrong.

However, through the days, and that one moment in the church, I shook off the cloud of self doubt and started to understand. What I have realized, is that my flaws, my imperfections, my strengths, my weaknesses, my insecurities and vulnerabilities included are all a part of me. They don’t make me any worse nor any better, but they were ways and characteristics that were destined to play out in my life. True, real love, will not shun these ways, or see it as weak or not good enough. Love, is without condition. True love endures, through the best of times and even the worst of times.  It doesn’t appear one day and not the next – that, is often mistaken for love, but in truth it is lust, emotions, and chemical reactions that don’t know what other label to identify with. And with that, it comes just as easily as it goes.

I have learned that I have developed coping mechanisms and ways to avoid pain, hurt or disappointment. However, these walls and strategies that are so ingrained in me that they are now habit, while at times have helped me, many times have been destructive or negative. I decided that I’m going to act and react differently through these recent tests from the universe, and the approach I choose can be summed up in the answer to the question, “What would Audrey do?”

That answer is to approach people, situations and emotions with grace, with class and with maturity – all characteristics of the iconic Audrey Hepburn. This means that instead of simply reacting to the other person’s state and consequently being controlled by an external force, to do the right and mature thing according to your values.

In relationships, I have created habits of acting like a child when I’m unhappy about a situation. This includes pouting, threatening to leave, getting angry, crying, and if all that doesn’t work, yelling or increasing the magnitude of whatever hurtful thing I could do to get a reaction. Does this behavior get a reaction? Sure it does. Is it a reaction that makes you ultimately happier or positive in the end?  Definitely not.

Have there been times in the last few weeks when I’ve fallen back in to my old habits of dealing with anger and pain in negative and hurtful reactions? Yes. But I’m learning to be aware of my reactions – and  when I respond in a calm, and compassionate way, I pay attention to how I feel when using that approach. Doing that helps me link a positive emotion with that new behavior, creating a connection/association. Eventually through time and practice, my new approach will replace my old negative habit.

During heated moments, arguments and frustrations, it is easy and almost instinctive to go into a place of defensiveness, fight mode and an irrational desire to inflict pain on the other person. When we allow ourselves to continue on that negative path, the result is almost always two people who are left angry, hurt and upset. Yet we continue to react this way even when we know we won’t be happier in the end due to our pride, ego and defense mechanisms. If we were to respond with what would make us the happiest in the end, we would approach these situations a lot differently, and as a result, be a lot more peaceful and happier as an outcome.

I have learned that you can have many loves, many soulmates, many potential life partners in your lifetime. But building a life with someone is a matter of making the decision to accept the ebbs and flows and not jump ship when the relationship is in a low. To commit to someone for life means that despite the times when you may feel like one form of love isn’t as strong or present as the other, you have faith in the relationship and the root of that relationship and persevere.

My partner – someone I envisioned as the one I’d build my life with has recently told me that I was no longer the person he wanted be with in the long run. When he said the words “I’m not in love with you anymore” I felt as my heart and soul had been ripped out of my body. My ego throbbed with rejection, defensiveness, self blame and anger. My mind raced in fear and played a vision of me being alone and miserable like a cinema reel on loop. The little girl inside me raced to find what protective mechanisms would stop a pain like this from ever hurting me again.

After two days of that, the day cleared and with my chin up, I decided to be strong. Redefining what “strength” really is – I learned that real strength is allowing yourself to feel the emotions, to embrace the vulnerability and love yourself no matter what emotions seem to overtake the stage. Instead of turning into my typical pattern of being cold, detached and blocking out the hurt – I decided to see the beauty in pain, and cherished myself for the stronger woman I was already becoming.

I cannot get angry that someone does not feel the same about me, but confused, yes. I still don’t understand how someone can love you one day and envision building a family and a lifetime with you and then one day think you are no longer their match. I don’t know if meeting your match and building a foundation with someone is the doing of the universe or if it’s ultimately controlled by you. If there was a connection to begin with, an alignment in values, vision and goals – is it up to the two individuals to work, invest and grow that connection? Or do you interpret obstacles as signs from the universe that your current path is not the right one? I don’t know and maybe after my heart has healed and my head is clear I will understand a little more. Maybe I’ll look back and appreciate how I needed one door to close for another one to open.

I’ve been through my share of heartaches before, but what is interesting this time is that my reaction is a lot different. I think that the reason why I’m not in a ball crying everyday eating tubs of icecream is because I know there is light at the end of the tunnel versus the first time when I thought my world was coming to an end. It is a choice to be a victim or to see the positivity and opportunities for growth in the hardest moments. I also understand that while there is immediate pain, confusion, and the feeling of missing someone now – once the initial reaction subsides, I will look back at nothing but happy memories. I am fortunate to have shared such a beautiful relationship and so many great moments with such a beautiful soul.

I still have moments that overwhelm me when I’m angry, bitter, disappointed and want to scream to God, “why is this happening to me?” That’s when I start to question what may be wrong with me, what is the reason and rationale on how someone can love you one day and not the next. But the moment passes eventually, and I realize that yes, I will love again, and yes, one day, someone will love me just as I am.