A good friend of mine told me that “Your twenties are for f*cking up. You don’t act according to your values because you’re still establishing them.” His words ring true. While I think I’ve got a good grip on my moral compass and fundamental set of values, I’m still shaping my character to this day and will probably continue doing so for the rest of my life.

It is human to make mistakes. Some mistakes are witnessed by others and come with more shame, some are in private and come with more guilt. Some hurt others, and some ultimately hurt just you. In a life where trial and error is often how we learn, avoiding making mistakes is not very realistic. However, making different choices the next time around to avoid making the same mistake – is completely in your control.

Where we differ as human beings is the choices we make after we falter. I distinguish the difference in two different camps. There are those who use regret and remorse as a catalyst to grow and change their way of doing life in order to become better people. The consequences of their mistake serve as a reminder to do things differently to avoid repeating the same situation. Often, we need these experiences to teach us the lessons in life that ultimately shape our character.

Then, there are those who feel ashamed by their shame, and after a period of self-loathing and guilt, they resort back to their exact same way of thinking and behaviour. Instead of the mistake becoming a lesson, it becomes just another cyclical loop in habits.

When you make mistakes how do you respond? If your mistake leaves a trail of hurt and destruction in the lives of others, do you make amends and apologize with actions and empathy? Or are the people that reap the consequences of your mistake just a mere casualty of your disregard?

What builds character is not avoiding mistakes – it’s how you choose to think and act afterwards. Use your mistakes as opportunities to grow. And hopefully you can “make better mistakes tomorrow”.

I want to share a a video. It is of a talk a dear friend and former colleague of mine who discusses some of the lessons he learned after making a big mistake in his life. I have respect for how he chose to change his life after – using his experience to help him grow. Thanks for inspiring me Chris.

I’ve dabbled in health and wellness when it’s been convenient. I admit it really hasn’t been until my most recent hardship, a devastating heartbreak, that pushed me to get serious about getting healthier – both physically and spiritually.

I’ve started to realize that a whole lot of us, including myself, spend a heck of a lot of time, energy and money on making sure we appear impeccable on the outside. We decorate ourselves with designer clothes, diligently craft ourselves to appear of a certain stature and status, and do things against our better judgement to fit in with people who don’t even matter in our lives. We create illusions of ourselves to appear more important and special to others, but leave the inside neglected and in some cases, rotting. Of course this isn’t the case for everyone. Nor is there anything wrong with putting effort in to your clothes or appearance. The question is, do you spend enough time beautifying the inside as you do the outside?

I don’t think a lot of us do. And when your inside is filled with insecurity, fear, a feeling of inferiority, anger and other negative stuff – it eventually leaks out and has the potential to really hurt another. Your inner health effects your body, which effects your mind, which effects your actions, which effect the energy you put out, which effect the people around you. When you don’t work on nurturing your body and soul so that you are healthy on the inside, you ultimately end up hurting not just yourself, but the people who love you.

2012 is going to be a big year of change and growth for many of us. At least, I know it will be for me. I am going to explore treating myself better. Not with the typical way I used to do it, by indulging in a lavish pair of shoes or a handbag (don’t get me wrong, I’ll still pick up a pair of Louboutins here or there). But I will make it a point to put thought and focus on beautifying what’s inside, not just my exterior. I will do this by feeding my body food that gives me the nutrients that I need, by being gentle with my heart, acting with kindness and compassion, exercising patience (which is a virtue I do not currently have), taking care of my body, and remembering to breathe. With this mindfulness, I set to attract people in my life who share similar values and most importantly, integrity and character. I think applying discipline to creating new habits that will serve me, will also build my own character. Because at the end, isn’t that really what matters? I think Eleanor Roosevelt was on to something when she said: “Only a man’s character is the real criterion of worth.”

Here’s to a new year of becoming better, healthier individuals internally, so that we can be beautiful… both inside and out.

A partnership is not just about the emotions and feelings of love. A partnership is about commitment, and being responsible to that commitment regardless of what the external variables of the time are. It’s about the commitment to choosing decisions that will serve the relationship even when it would “feel” better to not. Married or not married, when you decide to enter into a partnership with another, commitment means you act with integrity, respect and care –even when your emotions are telling you otherwise.

Because love isn’t enough. Let me clarify, love, in the way most of us define it, isn’t enough. Love isn’t what makes you decide to not act out your desires when someone attractive starts showing you attention (and you haven’t had sex in months). Love is not what makes you apologize and give your partner a hug after an argument (even though inside you know you’re 100% right). Love is not what makes you weather the storm when disaster strikes (which it will). Love is not what makes you decide to treat each other with kindness, respect and empathy during a breakup or divorce (you’d be surprised how quickly love can feel like hate at that time). No, it’s not love. It’s commitment. It’s the responsibility to keeping your commitment. Not just to the other person, but to yourself.

Love, and that giddy feeling in your stomach may be what guides you when you’re feeling great about the apple of your eye. But what steers you when you’re going through an ebb, or a rough patch? Can you depend on love at that point?

Love isn’t rational. It can’t be controlled. If you allow a feeling that is so emotional and malleable dictate your behaviour, you’ll realise quickly that it only pans out when things are up, not when they’re down. Commitment on the other hand, will guide you through both. Commitment is not dependant on the heartstrings, it’s dependant on a conscious choice you make – and that, is something you have complete control over.

Then time goes by, and for whatever reason, the relationship doesn’t last. You break up.

The pain, the hurt, the rejection and the fear – they bring out the worst in you. Soon a side of you reveals itself that you never knew even existed. And in the midst of another screaming match with your ex, you wonder – where in the world did this all go wrong? How did love suddenly turn into…hate?

It is such a shame that couples choose to end a relationship in this way. It doesn’t have to be. It’s a choice. If you are honest with yourself and resist pride and ego take control, you will find compassion, empathy and care. Because love doesn’t disappear just because the titles have. That love may take different forms, and it may hide deep in the trenches of your heart when you’re hurt. But it’s there – even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

You see, when you love someone, despite the arguments or mistakes, it doesn’t make you love that person any less. True, that love may eventually fade through time, but it doesn’t turn off like that of a light switch. If it did, then it probably wasn’t real love to begin with.

So to those dealing with painful “ex” issues, here’s some food for thought. The next time you want to exact revenge on your ex, disregard them, scream at them, or show other signs of disrespect and hatred – try to stop for a moment and dig back in to your memory bank. Instead of viewing them as the “enemy”, remember them as the person they once were to you – someone you loved, adored and shared happiness with.

Understand that they are human too, and just dealing with pain and loss the best way they know how. But while they may don’t choose the higher road, and react with hurtful words and actions, just don’t forget this: you cannot control the behaviour of others, but you can control yours.

So act with integrity and choose to respond, not to react. And if you need a gauge, think about what the “you” five years from now would think about your behaviour, or your children. Are you conducting yourself in a way that the future, rational “you” would be proud of? Would you want your children to emulate your behaviour? If the answer is “no”, then it’s probably a good indicator that you may want to rethink your actions.

The last few months have been one of the most challenging times of my life. I lost my job, my income, and along with that, a part of my identity. Then, the relationship with the man who I thought I was going to marry, ended abruptly. I never had a back-up plan. I just trusted and gave the relationship everything I had. Since I had given up my apartment along with all my furniture to live together with him, I had no “home” left. It was as if one day I was living this stable, secure and planned life and within moments, I was lost, broken, and just trying to make it through another day.

I never, in my life, felt such paralyzing pain. There were some pretty dark times in those first few weeks, and the thoughts going through my head were toxic and downright crazy. It was as if a different person possessed me, and my worst self surfaced. Pain controlled me, along with sorrow, self-pity and a rage that screamed, “Why is this happening to me? Why is life so unfair?”.

But through the process, I realized, as much as I thought I had “lost everything”, I actually had a whole lot. I had my health, my friends and my family. And that alone, makes one extremely wealthy. My friends lent me their apartments, and with a suitcase of basics, I moved 7 times within a span of two months. My sister from New York called me every single day for two months straight, usually at least twice, to check up on me. My other sister spent nights with me, and handled me with care and a kind of nurture that only an older sister knows. Every conversation revolved around my pain and drama, and not once did they ever seem to get sick of hearing me cry, question or ramble.

My parents walked on eggshells around me, afraid to say the wrong thing. So they just showed me their care in the way they knew how but without prying or asking questions. And if you know typical Asian parents – this is an extremely hard thing to do.

And my friends – oh my dear, dear friends. They listened, comforted me, and even interrupted their own busy lives to spend time with me. A few of them literally picked me up off the floor when I would go spiralling into a dry-heaving cry fest. I’ll never forget, during the first few days, my friends took shifts visiting me – making sure that in my most fragile stage I was not alone. They brought me food and made sure I ate since I was so depressed I had no appetite. They did nothing but love me. Not once did any of my friends or family make me feel like I was an inconvenience or a burden.

And people who I don’t speak to regularly, some just acquaintances from my past – reached out to me, and wrote me messages with such kindness and compassion. Even some old friends who’ve I had past differences with, made the effort to send me a few nice words or a song, to show that they cared.

Strangers who read my articles took the time to send me thoughtful, supportive emails. People from different parts of the word, of different ages and experiences, connected with me and shared their stories. Perfect strangers – reached out with kindness, with no agenda or motive, but from one human to another, wanted to share their care.

Pretty damn amazing. And I feel so fortunate to have such a community of love and support.

So I wanted to write this note to you. All of you. Thank you for being kind, because if it wasn’t for your kindness, love and care, I don’t think I would have been able to pick myself back up. To those who sent me messages of support, or even quietly sent me some positive energy from afar – thank you. You don’t know what a difference it has made in my life.

And if there is anyone else out there, who may be going through something similar, I’ll leave you with this. If you act with love, and use that as your compass, regardless of the challenge you may be facing, however dark, deep and painful it may be – eventually, love will circle back. It may have a funny way of navigating back to you, and sometimes it can take its sweet ol’ time, but it eventually does. And it only gets better from there. I promise.

With love and appreciation,

Amy

Fast forward a decade. You have changed your home, your values, your career, your life. But while every aspect of your life was reassessed and updated, your friendships weren’t. Your friends consist of those whom you’ve shared a history with. But are grade school memories and Kodak moments enough?

There is a beauty of having old friends that I will not deny, but history alone is not enough to bring an old friendship into the present , and subsequently, the future. The people you surround yourself with, you become. We are all energy. If you subject yourself to peers who are negative, insecure or destructive, it will affect you. Regardless of your strength as an individual, you are not immune to a constant surrounding of negative energy or bad influence.

Your friendships, just like everything in your life, need updating. They need to be reassessed from time to time to determine if they are still working in your life. Your friends should bring out the best in you. If you are surrounded by people who bring out the worst  in you, then that is a serious red flag that the friendship doesn’t fit in your life. True friends are the ones that have the courage to tell you when you’re losing your way. They care enough to have those difficult conversations that most people will avoid.

If you want to have greatness in your life, surround yourself with great people. If you strive to be a happy, fulfilled, honest, confident, empowered and principled person, surround yourself with people who are the same. Is this selfish and heartless? No, it’s not. Because if you are influenced negatively by someone, it will affect how you are with the people who love you. Once you allow a negative force to permeate your life, you hurt yourself, which ultimately affects everyone that surrounds you. In no way am I saying to ditch the people you love. You can love these people all you want. But, selecting them to be in your immediate peer group is another story.

Choose your company wisely. Be relentless with surrounding yourself with those who bring out the best in you. Your direction in life depends on it. And while you’re at it, have the courage to be a good friend to those who choose you.

I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to do the right thing – for yourself and for the other person. Our emotions, feelings and chemical reactions can rule us –and it is the easier route to fall into what just “feels good” at the time instead of doing what is ultimately healthy and positive in the long run.

A breakup is very similar to the different stages of mourning the loss of someone. You will go through the rollercoaster of emotions. First, expect a lot of sadness, loneliness and a whole lot of missing. You will doubt your decision and make justifications. The next stage is denial. At this point, you will probably attempt to establish relations again. This part is very tricky. Most attempt this because the attachment is still so powerful – but be aware that it does prolong the healing and “getting over” process. Anger will definitely be another stage – where you resent, recount only the bad memories, the fights, and feel victimized. There will be a lot of blame here, and a feeling that life is unfair. Then it circles back again to sadness, where you think you’ll never open your heart again. You will tread like a fragile bird, afraid of anything that can potentially hurt you again.

Self-proclamations usually surface at this point: “I’ll never love/trust/open-up again!” But these beliefs will only jade you. And if you hold on to the cynicism too long, you may lose out on the next door that was meant to open.

It’s been over half a year since my heartbreak, and to be honest, while my everyday is filled with great friends, tons of joy and lots and lots of laughter, there are moments, especially at night, when I’m alone, that I have my moments of overwhelming emotion. I still struggle with the fact that someone who I loved so dearly left me and so easily started a new life with someone else.  So when you see how I build up impossible walls, and fight so hard to protect my ego and heart – this is where it comes from. A place of fear – where all of my insecurities – abandonment and not being good enough  - looms over me as a risk if I open my heart again.

It has taken the support and wisdom of good friends and family, beautiful songs, witnessing others in positive relationships – to take me out of my jaded, black cloud and believe in love again. I’ve realized that all I can do is be a source of love myself – embrace the love around me, cherish it and share it with others. That, is my source of joy.

I’ll end off with a quote that always reminds me of you – a constantly changing, ever- evolving soul:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”.

Love,

Me.

You allow people to treat you the way they do. Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. I know many women, who have settled for less, and simply “accepted” cards dealt because deep inside, they don’t believe they deserve more. I’m sure you know of someone, who seems to have it all together in their life, but when it come to relationships, they just can’t seem to shake the habit of dating douchebags and douchettes.

In my life, I’ve created my destiny within my career, friendships and community. With friends, I’ve really embraced the fact that friends are all unique pieces of a pie. Some will be lifetime friends that are next to family, some are social friends, some acquaintances. I’ve learned to appreciate the various types and unique forms of value each friend brings, and as well as a system of how much and what kind of energy I invest to whom. I am blessed with the best friends ever, but that inner circle is sacred and thoughtfully selective.

However, in my relationships with men, I’ve witnessed myself apply a different system – if you can even call it a system at that. I’ve tolerated men who don’t appreciate me, who don’t value my heart, who take and take, who don’t call back, who have disrespected me – I’ve allowed men to not treat me what I’m worth. This is all a matter of self-esteem and my sense of self worth in the realm of being a woman in a romantic relationship. I’ve made excuses, justified, and eagerly re-entered the game of push and pull with men who clearly don’t really value me much at all. And you know what, it sucks and feels pretty crappy at the end – chipping away the low self-esteem that got me there in the first place even more.

It took me 28 years of being hungry for love, even desperate for it at times, heart aches, heart tramples, picking up that phone when every cell in your body knows it’s the unhealthy thing to do, obsessing, infactuating, idealizing – you name it, for me to finally wake up, and realize, that my most important relationship, is the one with myself.

I’ve learned to embrace self love. And while I’ll always be a perpetual student in this journey, I’ve made the decision to apply my successful method in dealing with friendships and business to how I do my relationships. I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am and have learned that I am “perfect” the way I am, right now, right here. I will constantly be growing, evolving and working on bad habits, but those flaws, those imperfections are part of the beauty that makes me, me. I can now easily recognize men who are drawn to me only for the best of me, and as Marilyn Munroe best put it, “…If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

If I could talk to my younger self – that girl desperate for love and therefore often blinded by ideas, fabrications and untruths in order to try and capture it, I’d tell her:

“Amy, love will come to you, when you learn to love yourself, first and foremost”.

I can’t go back in time to correct my mistakes, but I can today share what I’ve learned with younger women, some who may have a misconstrued idea that giving their body away carelessly can equal love. In the words of my wise friend SK – “Be the gatekeeper”. Your heart is a precious gift. Your body is a temple. Be selective. Respect it and be respected. Love yourself and be loved. It you don’t respect and love yourself first, building a healthy relationship with another is like building a house with no foundation – eventually the cracks and lack of a strong base will cause it to crumble.

Know your value and don’t accept being treated in a way less than you deserve. Now, I don’t mean to start going out there with unrealistic expectations, demands and a sense of entitlement. I am saying that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and vice versa. The minute you negotiate your self worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don’t deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins. Change for yourself and of course, friends and partners are great mirror reflections that help you grow. But don’t change out of the wrong reasons to appease someone or in hopes that they will like you more – if they judge you for who you are now – they aren’t your fit. I’ll end off with a quote that is an inspiring reminder:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” – Sex in the City

It’s a scary feeling facing these losses when you’ve invested your energy and heart in creating these parts of your life with another person. Sometimes as a result of integrating two lives in a relationship, you lose some of your own individuality. So when the two of you detach from each other, it feels like parts of your being have been ripped apart. It feels like a large part of you is missing and suddenly, it’s as if you are no longer whole.

These moments feel terribly painful. But, remember, there was once a “you” before you, became a “we”. You’ll recall that there was a time where you were fully whole – without anyone completing you. There was once a time that you created community, family, stability, and security – all on your own. That you is still there. It may have leaned on the energy of another for a while, but that strength and independence is still within you. It always has been.

I’m learning to regain my sense of self, my identity, as a single. An exercise that has helped me, is listing everything I felt I “lost” after the breakup. Then, for each loss, I’ve determined different ways to regain that part back again, through my own means. For example, loss of community was a major casualty of my breakup. Thus, some action items for me to regain that community include increasing the amount of time spent with good friends, volunteering and spending more time with family. The missing still remains a backdrop, as it will for a while. But slowly I’ll regain these areas back again. And in the process I’m  realizing the control I have over the creation of my life moving forward.

It’s been tough – since I’ve realized how much of my life and energy I poured into the notion of “us”. But my hope is that as I slowly rebuild, I will build my strength and find myself again. And then, someday, one day, I will meet another love again. And when I do, that person will not complete me. He will not make me. But he will add to the strong foundation I have already built. He will add to my life, not become it.

The road of healing is painful and sometimes I find myself in a very dark place. But I’m discovering that as shaken as I may be, my strength, my resilience, my self-worth and love are all within me. I may have lost my way for a while. But I’m finding my way home again. Slowly, but surely.

During a time when your heart has been hurt, the pain can grow very dark. Often, your deepest insecurities and fears from every bad experience of your past decides to reappear in your life. Suddenly, you find yourself acting or thinking crazy thoughts. You are not yourself and at times you feel out of control. Emotions take over. You helplessly watch yourself transform into a person you never thought you’d be. But, hurt people hurt people. And when we are in pain, a common reaction is to inflict pain on others – especially the one you thought you’d live happily ever after with. This only deepens your own pain and adds to a vicious energy cycle. Nobody wins. Everyone hurts.

In moments of clarity, I realize that I may not be able to control the sadness, the missing, or the wave of tears flooding down my face. But I can control my behaviour. I can control my integrity. I have that power. I can choose to continue the pain cycle, or I can act according to my values. I can choose fear or I can choose love.

You’d think one would get better at breakups after going through a few. In all honesty, it doesn’t get easier. But you do get wiser. And you do get stronger. And when the darkness and pain subsides, you do realize that the person was brought in to your life to teach you a lesson. Then it’s your choice to grow from that or repeat the same relationship and issues with another person – continuing your karma.

And isn’t that just the lesson of life? The universe throws curveballs at you – when you least expect it. And you make a choice. On the surface, you may feel like you lack control or that you are powerless, but really, the picture is yours to paint. You have the power to choose each time – to get up, to grow, to be better, or to accumulate hate, anger and darkness.

So my biggest lesson of heartbreak: choose integrity.

Cry until you have no tears left inside you. Talk to people you feel safe with. Try to remember the good, even when the bad keeps trying to take center stage. Have faith that when one door closes it’s because another is meant to open. Let the emotions pour out of you – feel them, embrace them, set them free. But no matter what you do, don’t forget your integrity. Because even in the darkest moments, integrity is the one thing that is yours – that you own. And no one, can take that away from you.

It is natural for one to feel this way during a time of distress and pain. However, this way of thinking doesn’t serve you, or your healing process. As much as you may not be able to see it in the moment, there is a reason and a lesson every relationship brings. Sometimes, the relationship reveals your patterns and habits and gives you an opportunity to grow. Sometimes, things end because the fit or timing just wasn’t right. That’s nobody’s fault, it just is. As painful as it may be, try to understand that your partner was trying the best he/she could, just like you were.

After a breakup, it can feel like you’ve taken a few steps backwards. But in the grand scheme of things, this is your opportunity to grow and move forward. You can either choose to become a healthier individual so that you can attract an even healthier partner, or, you can choose the road of cynicism and resentment.

An exercise that can help you get out of the blame, hate and anger mode, is to take a moment and reflect on the good. Write down a list of all the happy memories you’ve shared with your partner. Write down in detail, the moments where he/she did something that made you feel loved, safe, supported and cared for. You may be surprised with how many positive moments you can recall.

And, when your mind wanders and starts to feel angry and hateful thoughts, go back into your happy memory bank, and remember the positive moments. It will instantly kill the negative thought. You may find that you feel lighter afterward.

Being resentful, sad and angry is a natural part of the grieving process. However, left feeling like that too long, and you can harm your road to healing and recovery. It’s easier said than done, but if you try to act with love instead of fear, you always end up winning.

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning) along the way to keep a functioning home and resultantly, a happy relationship.

Money Matters – This uncomfortable conversation is one of the most important to have to discuss who puts in what, who takes care of bills, etc. There is no one solution – you have to find what works for you. The system will also need revisiting and adjusting as careers and financial situations change.

Communication – My friend Sunny recently told me, “You have to learn how to live, love and fight under one roof”. When arguing, your first instinct may be to leave the nest and stay elsewhere, but taking off doesn’t set a very good precedent in establishing a home with someone. Learning how to argue is important, and this may require laying down some house rules.

Chores – Instead of obsessively nagging your partner to do the dishes or make the weekend plans, determine the tasks you have a comparative advantage over. If you’re quick at doing the dishes and actually don’t mind it, perhaps that’s your task and your partner who loves making plans can be in charge of organizing dinner with the in-laws. Don’t take it personally – just get smarter and more efficient with the division of responsibility.

Staying Attractive – Sure, the courting phase is over, but living together is not a ticket to wear pajamas 24-7, talk in a baby voice or to pack on the pounds. If you want to keep the sparks continuing, make an effort in your appearance and hygiene.

Keep Your Individuality – Everyone needs his or her personal time. It may feel natural to do everything with your partner,  but it’s important to still have time with your girlfriends and vice versa. Give each other the opportunity to miss each other.

Fast forward two years. Your once “dream man” now works all the time. When he does have a spare moment, he’s doing “boys night” or downing a beer while watching the game. No roses, no romance, and definitely no more spontaneity. Does this scenario sound familiar to you?

Why is it that often, people put their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship only to minimize that effort as time passes?

Call it laziness, human nature or a lack of experience. But whatever you do, do not believe that the relationship crash was inevitable, and that it wasn’t a choice. Because it was. Not putting your partner as a top priority and being proactive in nurturing and feeding your relationship is a choice, and that choice has consequences. I’ve met many people that only realize they need to step up their game when there is a threat of losing the other person. And usually, by that time, it’s too late. The damage is done. There are too many weeds in the garden for anything healthy to bloom anymore.

Whatever your relationship requires in order to stay healthy and to continue to grow, take action while it’s good, not when it hits a low. Whether that is seeking couples counseling, grooming yourself to remain attractive to your partner, showing love through romantic gestures or going on spontaneous dates to keep things exciting – be proactive, not reactive. By the time your partner is upset because he/she feels their love tank is on low, it takes twice the amount of effort to get it back to a healthy level.

Just because you’ve found “the one” and you’re comfortable and content, doesn’t mean it goes on cruise control. You need to constantly put in effort and TRY. This also applies to friendships, to any close relationship actually.

Nurture your important relationships. It’s a lot easier to be proactive and maintain a positive one than reacting to fix a broken one.

There are different forms of cheating. There is the purely physical. This could entail a drunken one-night stand. Then there is the emotional – where an actual relationship is cultivated – one that extends beyond the physical and extends to the heart and mind. Which one is worse? I don’t know – but I think both are borne out of choice and blaming DNA is not a good enough justification. There is a point where giving into temptation occurs and a less honest path taken.

The research of psychologist, Shriley P. Glass reveals that affairs mostly begin with a husband or wife meets a new friend. She suggests that a healthy marriage consists of walls. These are the barriers of trust “behind which you guard the most intimate secrets of your marriage”. Let’s explore a potential scenario.

What starts off as a harmless friendship starts to change direction when you start to share secrets about yourself to your new friend – your yearnings, fears, and hopes. You start to get the attention you crave and don’t want your partner to get jealous, so you hide your friendship. Right then and there, a wall is built between you and your spouse – increasing that divide and detachment, and pushing you further into the comfort of your new friend.

One day, you find yourself upset and your new friend rushes to console and comfort you. Sooner or later, you find yourself locked in your first stolen kiss and realize that you have major feelings for your “friend”.

Sure, you may not have seen it coming, but you surely didn’t stop it. The minute you started to confide in your new friend versus deal with the root of the issue with your partner you made a choice. The moment your guilt made you feel the need to hide something – you made a choice.

“This one’s different,” you reassure yourself.  And maybe it is.

But for many, that intense high when diving headfirst into full-blown, consummated love eventually starts to come down, and soon, you find that your heart isn’t beating as fast as it used to.  The ecstatic feeling when together and the obsessive missing when apart starts to calm down. The pedestal that your new love once sparkled so brightly on suddenly starts to look a little dull.  The “I can’t take my hands off you” hunger turns into the “I’m really tired” snooze. Relationship doom? Or perhaps it’s  just the the natural cycle of the dopamine daze wearing off.

In the book, “Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget”, author Marianne Legato discusses a study that examined the brain patterns of people who had recently fallen in love. The study showed that a part of the brain that was activated has a lot of receptors of dopamine, the “feel good” neurotransmitter associated with motivation, reward and pleasure.  The study shows that there is a great deal of overlap between the activity in the brain when in love and when doing drugs or smoking cigarettes.  “The toleration for sleeplessness, lack of appetite, feelings of exhilaration and focus – all these characterize the first phase of infatuation, but they’re also very similar to what happens when you do a line of cocaine.” Label it love or lust, but one thing’s for certain, it sure is addictive stuff.

Let’s not forget the chemical cocktail that’s also brewing in the background. First, presenting Phenyethylamine (PEA) – a natural amphetamine that elevates your mood and is strongly associated with pleasure (it’s one of the chemicals released when we eat chocolate).  In fact, it can make you feel so jumpy in the first weeks of romance that you can literally feel sick to your stomach – a sensation that’s easily mistaken for butterflies when you see your beau.

Next up – noradrenaline. A chemical typically associated with a state of emergency – it is responsible for your elevated blood pressure and heart rate, and an intense focus on your beloved. Your serotonin levels may also be reduced – often as low as someone with a compulsive disorder.

This chemically charged brain state can’t last forever. And it doesn’t. In fact, it lasts for the whole of eight months. Studies show that on average, in the first 6-8 months, the newly in “love” brain is in an altered state.  There is a cloud on the critical judgment part of your brain and you are literally blind to the shortcomings of your lover. The normal faculties that made you once think that his squeaky voice that was cute, or those clumsy quirks charming - are largely silenced when looking at your new lover. Those neural circuits simply don’t fire. But after this initial phase, the brain activity starts to normalize again, and you being to notice and get irritated by things that were once deemed pleasant.

In no way am I implying to avoid the sensations of lust and passion. I’m a big believer in love and healthy relationships. I doubt that a chemical reaction or any scientific explanation can really explain all the feelings and complex emotions felt in the beginning of courtship. A lot of it just doesn’t make sense, and that’s part of the beauty of love. However, I do want to point out that there is a high possibility that when the brain isn’t in it’s normal state; one may make decisions that they normally wouldn’t.

If we know that the mind is in an altered state in those beginning months, perhaps it is wise to hold off on the impromptu Las Vegas elopement. Perhaps it’s a good idea to take things slow, enjoy the dating process and not rush the flow. Everyone has their own timeline, some faster than others. But if you’ve really found the love of your life, does it hurt in the long run to wait a few months when your head is absolutely clear, before rushing into anything too serious?

*Image found on weheartit.com

It is arguable that the people in both group “b” and “c” should fall under the same category, but I’ll leave that to another day. What I find interesting is that the people in group “a” all seem to understand this unspoken rule, and therefore do life and their relationships according to this value system. The flow and exchange is effortless, and happens organically.

In contrast, the people who fall in the latter group do life differently. These people constantly ask for, want and take. Seldom do they think “What value can I provide?” let alone, “How can I help?” Or, if help is offered or a favor bestowed, there is a “tit-for-tat” mentality where they feel owed.

There is a blurring of lines of course. I admit that there have been times where I’ve lent a hand or gone out of my way to do a favor and felt disappointed in the lack of reciprocation. I understand that I was probably doing the favor for the wrong reasons in the first place. In order to avoid this situation and future resentment, I try to steer clear of doing things out of sheer obligation. Also, I often will stop and do a gut check – if I’m feeling anxiety or pressure in order to do something for another, that’s likely a red flag that I need to get in tune with why I’m doing it in the first place. When I don’t or go ahead and do it anyway, I only find myself high on expectations and low on disappointment.

The rules of reciprocity are something that can be learned from culture, upbringing, experience and influence. Or maybe it’s just something you’re born knowing. Regardless, it’s possible that someone has good intentions but just lacks the understanding of this value due to their upbringing and environment.

Here are some questions that can help:

Would You Do the Same?

When you give, or make the effort to add value or help when you can, it seems to magically work out in the end. Perhaps it’s karma or the law of the universe, but somehow, sometime, somewhere, it does come back. Ask yourself the next time you are requesting a favor, asking for help, wanting a free service – would you do the same?

Do You Only Call When You Need Something?

If you haven’t spoken to someone for a long time and the only time you contact them is to ask for something, take a second to think if it’s appropriate. Old friends can definitely call each other up out of the blue when the time/need permits, but I’m referring to the type of relationship where you only make contact when you want something.

Do You Give Back?

When someone does something to help you – make note of it in the memory bank.  I’m not saying that you have to return the favor right away, but be aware of the time and opportunity where you could do something nice back. It’s a win-win situation.

Is it My Profession?

If you are someone in my inner circle, meaning we likely communicate on a somewhat regular basis and you know the major happenings of my life, you are invited to ask me for help in the professional realm. However, if you’re not in my inner circle, (and no, saying “Happy Birthday” on my Facebook wall doesn’t make the cut), then do not ask me to do things that is part of my profession – for free. This is especially true when you are making financial gain from my free labor. Payment does not have to be monetary, but if you are asking someone to provide a service that they do as a professional career, please offer some sort of value exchange in return.

Before you panic, know that there are many people out there going through the same, exact thing. Most couples that have been together for an extended period of time will go through phases of boredom, stale routine and a lack and missing of the sparks that once fired the relationship. During these times, it’s easy to presume that the relationship has lost the love and chemistry.

A relationship does not go on cruise control. Like any relationship, whether it is business or friendship – it requires effort, energy and work. I believe that you can be proactive while things are flowing and positive, which helps prevent those hard, emotionally draining crashes. Also, it’s a lot easier to maintain a flow versus reacting to an ebb and doing damage control. Of course, the latter is bound to happen at times, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put effort into minimizing those crashes.

Here are a few activities and rituals that can help feed the excitement of your relationship:

Learn something new together

People can grow apart, so why not try to learn something as a pair so you can both grow together? Take a language course, learn how to cook – whatever it is, do something that causes the two of you to get out of our comfort zone and learn something new.

Engage in physical activity

There’s a reason why people who engage in an adrenaline pumping activity on a first date experience a heightened attraction toward each other versus those who participate in amore calm activity. Physical activity releases feel good chemicals and boosts adrenaline – two ingredients that can create that “butterflies-in-stomach” feeling.

Create your own positive ritual

When your partner comes home, stop what you’re doing and give the biggest, happiest greeting and hug. Coming home to that is an incredible feeling. If for just a moment, your partner drops whatever he/she is doing to focus on you, it can definitely set the tone for the rest of the evening. Create your a ritual with your partner, one that is sacred for the both  of you. It can be as simple as saying one nice thing to each other before bed every night. Imagine the compounded positive effect this will have over time?

Go on date nights

Everyone gets busy. Everyone’s schedule can be overwhelming. Everyone experiences times of stress. It’s especially in these times that you do not let your relationship drop to a low priority. Commit to going on a date night, at least once a month. Regardless of how hectic your schedules can be, honor that commitment.  It doesn’t have to be fancy, it can even be a home cooked dinner with just a few extra touches of candles and dressing up to make it feel more special. The point is, have an evening where the point of the night is to celebrate each other and your union.

Take trips

Not everyone has the luxury of going traveling half way across the world. That doesn’t mean you cannot take a trip together. Weekend trips, a getaway within the city or even a day at a secluded beach or private picnic work too. Don’t make the excuse of “not having enough time” because with proper planning and effort, you can make the time. These trips, big or small, are important for the relationship because it allows for that time where you can fully be in the present with your partner. It fills the love tank, and that’s always a good thing.

Then, the universe decided to give me a good dose of reality.

I was a starry eyed romantic, and when I met my first real boyfriend at age 25, I thought that without a doubt, I had found “the one’. So, within two months we moved in together, and within eight months, we were common-law. Let’s just say that with that experience, I learned that rushing things is a fool-proof way to run head-on into a doomed ending.

And as much as I hate to admit it, a lot of what my parents tried to tell me was true. That compatibility in upbringing, culture, values, and life vision, are the building blocks of a healthy relationship. And without these things aligning, instead of building a solid foundation, you end up just piling a bunch of rocks on top of each other until they eventually fall down.

To burst my bubble even more, the one thing that I thought would never be a point of conflict became the biggest reality check of them all.  Money….matters.

There’s a reason why money is the top reason why people divorce. As unromantic as it may sound, how each partner deals with finances, ambitions to create financial wealth and money management is a HUGE factor on if a relationship will make it, or break it. When I look back at that relationship, I understand now, that it didn’t work out not because either of us was to blame, or that we were bad people, but that the fundamentals didn’t align together.

I’m learning now to let go of my unrealistic ideas that may be a reality in teenage relationships, when bills, responsibilities and roles are not really thought about in the midst of all the fun to be had. Instead, it’s probably about time that I start having adult relationships, in other words, relationships based in reality versus in fantasy.

In healthy, adult relationships, love isn’t about finding someone to complete you or fill your voids, but being the healthiest and best you can be as individuals in order to come together as partners. You make the choice to be patient and understanding through the ebbs instead of trying to jump ship the minute the going gets tough. You try to understand that each person comes with different love languages, sensitive points and communication styles, and that time and lots of trial and error is necessary.

It’s challenging to switch your mentality when you’ve grown up socialized by North American standards of “romance”. I’m appreciating the simple, every day things that my partner does. Whereas before I would equate roses to romance, now I look at how he interacts with my family, the effort he makes with my friends, the listening and support he gives when I’m going through a stressful time. Sure, those things aren’t wrapped up in fancy ribbon, but when you’re thinking of building a life with someone, those everyday consistencies are the things that matter.

It’s a work in progress. But if you don’t evolve your ideas on what real relationships are based on and commit to the effort and time it takes, you may find yourself constantly disappointed and your high expectations never met. Here’s to a new year filled with healthy relationships, high standards but not unrealistically high expectations, and lots and lots of love.