Let’s take this a few steps back to some of my own experiences. Back in the day, I used to work in the event and party promotion business. In my years of working at nightclubs, hosting VIP guests, and mingling with various types of partying Vancouverites, I witnessed a lot of different types of  men.  I’ve seen well-known, established businessmen act like A.D.D. ridden assholes after snorting lines of coke, I’ve seen married men disrespect any sort of monogamous vows after a few drinks, and I’ve  heard millionaires (who were married with children), proposition women with a high-rolling lifestyle if they take up being their side-fling. Out of the different types of men I’ve seen, I have to say, the ones I saw behaving the worst (in Vancouver) were the men who were of the higher income bracket. There is no statistical data to back this up, my observation comes  purely from looking at the kinds of men who behave the worst publically (cheat, abuse substances, objectify and disrespect women, etc). My observations lead me to question, is a man’s income tied to such behaviour?  Do certain income brackets and industries breed certain socially acceptable behaviours and character in men?

Let’s look at the relationship between adultery and income. A recent study conducted by MSNBC showed that among men making more than $300,000 a year, 32% reported cheating, compared to 21% of men making less than $35,000 a year. Similarly, in a blog post on Yahoo Health, Editor-in-Chief David Zinczenko references a study that revealed that men who earned more money had a higher likelihood of cheating than those who earned less. Don’t get me wrong, women cheat as well, however the relationship appears to be reversed. Studies that show that poorer women are more likely to cheat than wealthier women. One professor postulates that women cheat as a way to shop for a better long-term partner or better genes for their children. Men, on the other hand, when selecting their prey, typically choose women of lower status and achievement who will idolize them.

With money, comes power. Toronto-based clinical psychologist, Dr. Oren Amitay, says men (and women) with power tend to have an “overinflated sense of confidence that allows them to think they’ll get away with bad behaviour.”  Amitay also suggests that a sense of entitlement plays a part in why rich and high profile  men like Tiger Woods and Arnold Schwarzenegger risk hurting their families and reputations for their sexual pursuits.  ”They’ve lived their lives being told by everyone around them they’re special, they’re entitled. ‘You deserve whatever you want; you’re that great.’ And if you’re being told that, why wouldn’t you believe it?

Perhaps rich men are just presented with more opportunities to cheat. Seems like Chris Rock was on to something when he joked, “Men are only as faithful as their options.” And the reality is, those options are plentiful. There is always a steady stream of willing females lined up to be a side-fling, reinforcing that such adultery is acceptable and even rewarded. I’m glad that SA didn’t end up continuing the night with those men, and I give kudos to the classy women out there who don’t participate in perpetuating that cycle.

7 Reasons Why You May Be Repelling (Quality) Women

1. You are cheap. If you ask a woman out, pay for dinner. No, not just yours, the entire dinner. Is this unjust? Is this a contradiction to feminism? Mmm. No, I don’t think so. It’s about being a proper gentleman and treating a lady just like you would do for your mother. This does not mean you have to pay every single time. But on the first date, if you want there to be a second one, then yes, yes you do.

2. You are passive. This is a common message I get, “We should do coffee sometime.” What this says is, “I don’t have the balls to ask you out directly because I’m scared of rejection, so I’ll dangle and see if you’ll bite.” I do not know if it’s because men have too many options in Vancouver so they don’t have to make an effort to take a risk, or if a large majority of single men are just passive wusses. Whatever the reason, passive doesn’t usually get too far. Instead of, “We should..” try, “Hey, would you like to go for coffee on Thursday after work?”. Remember though,  passive is one thing. Being overly aggressive creepy is another. Both are bad.

3. You are a player. Vancouver is a small city. If you have slept with half the city and hit on an entire circle of friends, chances are, before she gets to see your shining personality, she will think you’re a dog. Your reputation matters. If you create a reputation for being a low-standard, will-get-in-bed-with-anyone-type-of-guy, expect that good, quality women will run away from you like you’re the antichrist. You want a good woman? Start cleaning up your act.

4. You try too hard. Just be you. It sounds so simple, but it’s true. Anyone with half a brain can sense when someone is trying too hard to impress with things that don’t matter. A good woman doesn’t care about your car, your watch or how you are friends with someone famous. Stop acting and start being you (unless you’re naturally an asshole, then read point #5). The amateur tactics may work to get a girl into bed, but if you are looking for a quality partner, faking it is just not sustainable.

5. You’re an asshole. Treat a woman like how you’d like a man to treat your younger sister. Respect her. Call her back. Show up when you say you will. Be considerate. Don’t be bbming the whole time throughout dinner. Even if you don’t like the woman, have enough respect for another human being to be honest and not string her along.

6. You’re a cheater. Studies show that people who cheat and enter another relationship generally tend to repeat the pattern of cheating. No woman wants to be cheated on and any good woman I know has values that won’t sign up for the drama of being with a taken man. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, have the human decency to end yours before fishing for another. Are there women out there who love the challenge of a taken man? Of course there are. But those are not the ones you want, are they?

7. You look like this:

You are not in a gang, so refrain from making facial expressions and hand gestures like the classy gent above. Enough said.

If a guy likes you:

1. He will call you. No, your phone isn’t broken. No, his text message/email didn’t get lost in cyberspace. He simply hasn’t tried to contact you. And if for some reason the cyber boogyman intercepted his message from hitting your inbox, he will eventually try to contact you a second time. Men who like you will initiate communication with you.

 

2. He will try to see you. If a guy is into you, he will make the effort to see you again. It doesn’t matter how busy he is, if he feels that getting to know you is a priority, he will make time in his schedule to meet you.

 

3. He will touch you. Observe his body language as it speaks volumes. When a guy is interested, he will make subtle body contact. For example, he may lightly touch your arm or gently place his hand behind your back or waist. High fives and elbow nudges don’t count.

 

4. He will make future plans with you. When a man is interested in you, he will want to secure seeing you again and will likely do so before the first date is over. He will find a common interest and suggest “We should do that…” Even if he doesn’t solidify plans right then and there, he will  allude to future plans with you in it.

 

5. He will text you out of the blue. Perhaps he saw something that reminded him of you. Perhaps he’s trying to start a conversation. Regardless, random, spontaneous texts show that for whatever reason it may be, he is thinking of you.

 

6. He will ask you out. No explanation required. Men who like you will ask you out. True, you may need to give him some indicators that you are not going to flat out reject him (because most men are secretly quite afraid of rejection from a woman). So throw a dog a bone, and sit back. If he’s into you, he’ll initiate making plans with you.

 

And I did just that. Fast forward to today, I am exercising, feeding my body with healthy, nutritious foods, surrounding myself with like-minded people, thinking positive thoughts and feeling gratitude and love every single day. I did not get here because I am lucky, or because I am built any stronger or more resilient than others going through the same experience. I got here because I made conscious decisions that steered me on the path of healing and forgiveness.

I think we can all relate on this subject because we have all been there. You would think that as you get older and have more relationships, that the heartaches would get easier to handle. But the reality is, the pain doesn’t lessen with each breakup, it’s just different. And while we cannot avoid the pain, we can choose a healthier recovery. The road to healing is very important so that the emotions are dealt with in a positive way and do not come back to haunt you in your future. Here are a few things that I found that helped me:

Eat Healthy
Some people deal with depression by over-eating, some deal with it by not eating. I fall into the latter category. I had no apetite and basically starved my body of the nutrients it needed. When your body is not getting fed properly with the vitamins and nutrients it needs to survive, your mood, energy and hormones are severely impacted. I found that once I started to eat well, not only did my body feel better, but my emotional state and mind felt better too. Our physical health is directly connected to our emotional and spiritual well-being. When one part is out of sorts, the others will be too.

Surround Yourself with People who Love You
Your natural instinct may be to isolate yourself and sulk in private, but this is probably the worst thing you can do. Community increases your feel-good hormones and studies show that talking can have healing effects. A UCLA study reveals that spending time with close friends causes the brain to release natural opioids, which are like the painkillers found in opium. When you lose the familiarity, daily routine and stability of a relationship, it is important that you surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, loved and cared for.

Allow Yourself to Mourn
Studies show that people who go through a breakup can experience cravings for their ex similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from. This can lead to intense distress and physiological as well as psychological discomfort. The pain can be consuming, and this can feel shameful. I take pride in the fact that I am a strong, solutions-oriented person, and not being able to just “get over” the pain was very uncomfortable for me. But I realized that everything I was feeling was normal and a part of being human, and learned to embrace the emotions. The emotions have to go somewhere and not releasing them results in it all just coming back in some toxic shape or form later on down the road. Allow yourself to mourn. Allow yourself to cry. After all, tears is just pain leaving the body.

Be the Right One
Many people use a rebound, a quick tryst or another relationship as a distraction. If that works for you, then all the more power to you. However, I think that this method is similar to the effects of putting on a band-aid. You do not heal anything, you just cover it up. Take the time to mourn, to heal, to deal with the issues that have been brought forward from the relationship. A breakup is a great way for you to reflect on yourself, your habits and what you want in life and in your next partner. If you yourself are not the right one, how can you expect to attract the right one? Work on loving yourself and finding yourself again, and the rest of the pieces will fall in place when it is supposed to.

Forgive
Your world can feel like it has turned upside down when suddenly the star of your dreams turns into the villain of your nightmares. I thought my biggest challenge would be to learn how to forgive the man who hurt me. Through time, therapy, writing, and doing things to nurture myself, I learned to have compassion for my ex. With this compassion, I was able to forgive. But forgiving him was surprisingly not the hardest part. Forgiving myself was. I realized that I was very hard on myself and lacked compassion towards my own self.

A slow, long process of getting myself back to a healthy state finally gave me the clarity I needed.  I saw that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I stopped blaming myself and forgave myself, realizing that my life was going according to plan. Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. When you finally let the blame and anger go, and see that everything is perfect just the way it is, you’ll feel a big weight lift off your shoulders.

Appreciate
Gratitude is one of the most powerful feelings that can transform the way in which you view reality. Even when you feel like you’ve lost someone in your life, if you look around you – you’ll notice how much wealth you have. When your mind keeps repeating negative thoughts, you have to put effort into changing that habit of thinking. Try writing down what you’re grateful for every day and you’ll find that suddenly, you start noticing things to be appreciative of that you’d normally take for granted. There is so much beauty and love that surrounds us, we just have to be open to noticing it. Be grateful for your experiences, the lessons learned and the people that come in and out of your life that help you grow stronger. They’re just preparing you for the person you are meant to be with, and the person you are meant to become.

And, if none of these tips work, try to remember one thing: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

Albom’s quote sums up perfectly one of the fundamental reasons why many in our society are unhappy. We are chasing the wrong things.

We have heard it all before in theory. We have seen the viral posts of the top regrets people have on their deathbed, and not once does “I wish I responded to that email during dinner” make it near that list.

We know that we should make more time for our family. We know we should tell our loved ones how much we appreciate them. We know we should do more to show our love and gratitude. We know we should slow down. We know we should be more present. We should. We should. But we don’t.

And we keep doing the same things that keep us in a cyclical quest for fulfillment and happiness – a circle that loops without end. We place work as a priority over relationships. Exercise, making time to see close friends or taking time for some R&R never quite makes it to the top of the “to do” list. The words “should” and “some day” repeat constantly in our vocabulary. We always keep some communication or entertainment device switched on so we feel productive with every waking moment we have.  We buy things. We get bored of those things. So we buy new things. Bigger, better, shinier things.

Yet we’re still not happy. Studies show that depression rates have tripled in the US in the last two decades. Anti-depressant prescriptions such as Prozac have increased by 40% in the last four years alone. It appears that people in North America are getting sadder, not happier. The current system of how we define happiness, and consequently our means of getting it…is simply not working.

Shawn Achor discusses in his book, The Happiness Advantage that the traditional mentality of “If I work harder, I’ll be more successful. If I’m more successful, then, I will be happier” is broken. He explains that every time your brain has a success you just change the goalpost of what success looks like. If happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there.

Achor isn’t implying that people stop working hard or creating financial and professional success. He is however, suggesting that if you base your happiness on success goals, you will never be happy, because that goalpost is a constant moving target.

In the rush of life, the race to the top, and with the perception that happiness is the result of success and materialistic milestones; we often forget that everything we need to be happy is already right in front of us. Our health, our family, our friends, our societal contributions, our perspective, and our gratitude – these are the ingredients for joy. Everything we need is right here, right now.

The question is, what are you doing with what you already have? Do you nurture your relationships or keep them on cruise control until a crash requires you to pay more attention? Are you proactive in maintaining good health or will you wait until illness gives you a wake up call? Are you present in the moments you share with the people you love?

Are you chasing the right things?

We Were Told That Society Owed Us a Hot Girl
Every movie, TV show, comic book – heck, every piece of media consumed have the same storyline: “If the hero accomplishes his goals, he is awarded his favorite female.”

“From birth we’re taught that we’re owed a beautiful girl. We all think of ourselves as the hero of our own story, and we all (whether we admit it or not) think we’re heroes for just getting through our day.” Wong suggests that because of this ingrained perspective, when men don’t get what they are “owed”, it can get frustrating to the point of violence. It’s as if a contract has been broken.

He also points out that there are two ways to dehumanize a person: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.

We’re Trained from Birth to See You as Decoration
Wong states that there is a major difference between the perception of males and females. With men, there are some scenarios where looks don’t really matter. However, with women, it always matters. He uses the example of the public bashing of attractiveness level of Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan. That even when judging a female for a position on the highest court, she is still judged as her suitability as a sex partner.

“The female always has a dual role: to function as a person, and to act as decor.”

We Feel Powerless
“All those wars we fight? Sure, at the upper levels, in the halls of political power, they have some complicated reasons for wanting some piece of land or access to some resource. But on the ground? Well, let me ask you this — historically, when an army takes over a city, what happens to the women there?It’s all about you. All of it. All of civilization.

So where you see a world in which males dominate the boards of the Fortune 500, and own Congress, and sit at the head of all but a handful of the world’s nations, men see themselves as utterly helpless.

Because all of those powerful people only became powerful because they heard that women like power. This is really the heart of it, right here. This is why no amount of male domination will ever be enough, why no level of control or privilege or female submission will ever satisfy us. We can put you under a burqa, we can force you out of the workplace — it won’t matter. You’rtoe still all we think about, and that gives you power over us. And we resent you for it.”

The article provides interesting insight from a male’s point of view on why men, deep down inside, are trained and socialized by role models, the media and perceptions to resent and hate women. To find out more about how women are falsely portrayed in the media and what we can do about it, read my article here.

Your romantic partners reflect your deepest insecurities, desires, fears and hopes. They reflect you. They come in to your life and regardless if at the time you feel that they are leaving you better or worse, one thing is sure: they provide you with an opportunity to grow. And that opportunity is either yours to take or to ignore.

We have karma. We repeat scenarios, habits and situations. The people that we attract into our lives are a chance for us to change that karma. We can keep repeating the same habits and negative cycles, or we can grow beyond those blockages and become wiser, stronger and closer to our pure potential.

When you go through a breakup, it can be quite difficult to have this holistic perspective. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, and the choice you have after the experience is completely in your control. You can easily choose to block out your emotions, blame and harbour resentment. However, know that this route only harms yourself and taints the next relationship you will have in the future. Or, you can embrace your emotions, be honest with yourself, and ask yourself what you can do within to become healthier. After all, how can you attract the “right” one into your life, if you yourself are not the “right” one?

I went through a breakup six months ago that was extremely heart breaking. During that time, I couldn’t find a way to see past the darkness, anger and pain. But fast forward to today, I have to say that I’m thankful for the experience.  As challenging as it was, it made me so much stronger, and made me re-evaluate my life, my goals and my life vision.

That challenging period of my life helped me grow as an individual and open up my heart and mind. I made active choices that propelled me on a path of positivity, health and happiness. During the time of my heartache it sure didn’t feel good, but if it wasn’t for me hitting such a low, I would have never reached this new high. It’s as if I had to lose a part of myself to really find myself again. Today I feel as if I see the world through a different lens, and everything is a lot brighter and beautiful. Not that the beauty didn’t exist before, it’s just that I never stopped to notice and appreciate it.

I have realised that everything is perfect the way it is. The universe may have a funny way of showing this perfect plan, but everything happens, and doesn’t happen for a reason. And I truly believe that when one door closes, it’s because another was meant to open.

The relationships that don’t work out aren’t failures nor are they a waste of time. They are meant to happen because they are preparing you for the person you are meant to end up with, and the person you are meant to be. Regard these people as blessings, because they are like teachers and the lessons they leave are a gift. But ultimately, it is you who chooses how to perceive these experiences, and your happiness depends on that choice.

1. Love yourself first, the rest will follow
I was absolutely boy crazy in my teens and early twenties. On the outside it looked like I was a girl who just wanted to have fun, but deep down inside, I just wanted to feel loved and accepted. When I was a child, I never received much attention from my busy working father – and subconsciously wanted to fill a void. I hoped to feel validation and love from a male, thinking that the attention would make me feel special and more “whole”. So I attracted males who, just like me, on the outside appeared confident, but on the inside were brutally insecure.

I learned that if I didn’t work on loving myself and getting healthy, I would continue attracting people who were unhealthy. Because two people who don’t love themselves first cannot magically create a healthy relationship as a union. And when you don’t love yourself first, you end up chasing the wrong things to act as a substitute. I stopped pointing the finger claiming that men were just ‘jerks’ and looked inward instead. If I wanted to meet the “right one”, first I’d have to be the “right one”.

2. The profile of a seasonal boyfriend is very different from that of a lifetime partner
When you’re young and naïve about love, you care about the superficial things a lot. The relationship success is based on the butterflies you feel and how hot the sex is. Sure, these things are great – but they aren’t the ingredients that make up a serious, lifetime partner. My “checklist” for an ideal boyfriend is very different now in my thirties versus then in my twenties.

This was my boyfriend checklist in my 20s:
He’s hot
He wears designer jeans
He’s popular and always the centre of attention
He makes me feel butterflies
He has a job
He oozes cool and has “bad boy” sexiness
*Bonuses: He has a nice car, he’s a party promoter or DJ

This is my checklist now:
He’s honest and has integrity
He’s confident and doesn’t feel the need to “prove” himself
He has good family values
He’s a good communicator
He doesn’t abuse substances
He has a career
He makes me feel safe
*Bonuses: He has a full head of hair, owns property, has basic domestic skills

3. You will have your heart broken, and you will survive
I’ve experienced so many different forms of heartache. Some men brought out the worst insecurities in me. Some made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Some loved and left me. And one, broke my heart into a million pieces – to a point where I didn’t think I could ever get myself back together again. I felt like I came undone after that last heart break, and there were many moments of complete emotional irrationality when I didn’t think I was going to make it. Depression loomed over me and I felt like I lost complete control. But fast forward 5 months to today, and I’m proud to say that I am piecing myself back together with grace and reflection. I survived the worst of it and I know the future is only going to get brighter.

Heartbreaks suck. They really do. They are unfair, unjust and often unforeseen. But they do teach you a lot about yourself, about what you want, and most importantly, what you don’t want. They give you opportunities to practice compassion and courage, and ultimately, to grow. The dreamer in me thinks that maybe heartbreaks happen in order to prepare you for the person you are supposed to end up with.

4. Your friends can be soul mates too – not just your boyfriend
Guys will come and go. Sometimes a man will make just a guest appearance in your life, sometimes he will have a more permanent part. But in your lifetime, there will definitely be some degree of boyfriend turnover. Your friends, on the other hand, remain the permanent cast in your life. They will be there to pick you up when you’re hurt. They will be there to celebrate your successes. They will lend an ear and give you a safe, comforting hug when you need it the most. I made the mistake once of disappearing out of my friends’ lives because I had a boyfriend, and vowed to never make such a mistake again.

Many think that only your romantic partner can be your soul mate and therefore invest all of their love and energy into that person. But friends can be soul mates too. They enrich your life, your heart and your soul. They aren’t meant to be on-call when your boyfriend is busy. Nor are they meant to be time fillers because you’re single again. Whether it is a boyfriend, a husband, a sister or a friend – have balance in the people you make an effort with. Invest in the people who care about you and you will end up with a life of wealth and love.

5. If your values don’t align, it won’t be long until you collide
I’ve learned recently that the most important thing to look for in a partner is an alignment of values. That’s the root and foundation of everything else that will follow in the relationship. If your partner is doing life with a different set of morals and values compass – it won’t be long until your paths collide instead of converge. I’ve gone into relationships knowing that there was a difference in values and priorities, but went ahead anyway. And when you don’t know what a healthy relationship is, it’s difficult to know the difference between normal” and dysfunctional. I have spent too much time lying to myself that things were okay even when I knew in my gut it wasn’t. I’ve learned to stop justifying. And most importantly, I’ve learned to be honest with myself.

I hope that some of the hardships and different people I’ve come across in the last decade will help me make better decisions in the future. But even when you think you have all the answers and a clear idea of the type of relationship and person you want to be with, the universe can have a funny way of surprising you when you least expect it. As an eternal student of life and love, I welcome the next chapter.

These scenarios are far too common amongst single females, and unfortunately, a lot of the times we don’t know why we are stuck in the same patterns – attracting men who don’t want to commit.

I’m not saying that commitment and true love is the be-all and end-all for everyone. There are definitely Samanthas out there that consider sex a sport, and dating as sheer entertainment. If that works for you then, hey – all the more power to you. But many, if not most single women, actually want sex, dating and courtship to result in one thing… love.

But after countless dates, hooking up and still no ring, it is apparent that there is something that these women have in common. Men want to sleep with them, but don’t want to date them. If your dating and sex strategy (or lack of strategy, that is) isn’t working for you, here are a few reasons that may explain it:

You’re easy
You ooze sex, smell like sex and give up sex easily. Opportunistic men will jump at the chance to get a few drinks in you hoping to get you in bed at the end of the night. But you wake up alone.

When men see you as sexual prey first and foremost, they are blinded to all the other great stuff you have to offer. Not your good heart, your inner domestic goddess, your charming personality or resemblance to their mother. Nope, they see the one thing you’ve presented as your value: sex.

Men who want to settle down do not want to take home the woman who sleeps around. They want to feel proud of their “catch” and be able to introduce you to their friends and family. So what can you do? It’s simple. Stop putting out so easily. Stop pushing out sex as your main attraction and you may find that men will start to notice all the other things about you that make you special.

If you put out quickly and easily, men will automatically assume that you’re doing the same thing with a bunch of other dudes – and that isn’t something their egos find attractive. They automatically put you in the “don’t take seriously” pile which explains why they don’t make an effort to date you.

You’re a golddigger
You meet a rich guy and imagine how you life would be without having to work another 9-5 again. You salivate over the nice bags, trips and fine dinners of your future.

While that fantasy may play out in an episode of Desperate Housewives, it doesn’t work out in reality. When you date a man in hopes that he’s your lottery ticket out of middle class, you’ll only end up being disappointed.

First, dating a rich guy does not mean there is a transfer of his wealth to you. You get a leased lifestyle. This means you have to return it once he finds someone newer and prettier. Second, these bachelors aren’t rookies to the game. And you are definitely not the one to break their sugar-daddy cherry. They are not naive to the fact that the reason you’re with them is because of their financial status – and often have no intention of committing to you.The fairytale usually ends like this: the dude finds another flavor of the month, and you end up 10 pounds heavier from the wining and dining with a few new designer bags. He continues playing the field and you end up alone.

You sleep with taken men
Research shows that men rarely leave their wives for the person they’ve cheated with. And even if they do, often the relationship that begins with deception usually ends in deception. In fact, according to Dr. Phil, “relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time.” You can lie to yourself all you want, justify and live in denial believing you really are the special one – but the reality is, he’s not going to end up with you. Plus, you’ll have a ton of karma, guilt (if you have a conscience that is) and shame to deal with at some point. It’s a lose-lose situation. There are over 18,000,000 single men in America alone; surely there is one in that sea of fish that could be a better soul mate?

You have no substance
You gab about clothes, celebrities and other fluff stuff that nobody really cares about (except for your BFF and hairstylist). You think that working in retail or as a waitress at Cactus Club is a career path. There is nothing wrong with this scenario – if you’re in your teens or early twenties. But if you’re looking for a husband, you need to have substance. Your passions, ambitions, stories… that’s what makes an individual interesting. If you don’t show any of your substance, it really doesn’t matter how pretty you are, because eventually, pretty gets familiar, and then it gets old.

You’d think that the points raised in this article are common sense – but why do so many females constantly repeat their dating strategies even when it clearly doesn’t work? Part of it has to do with issues of self-worth and self-esteem. Another part of it has to do with what the mainstream media teaches us. The mass media inundates us with images, stories and celebrities where females are sex objects. What they don’t tell us is that this positioning of women is really meant to serve the male. We are trained that being pretty and sexual is how you win a man. So what do we do? We use our looks and sex to play the game, hoping to win validation and love in return. This strategy doesn’t result in love, in fact quite the opposite, chipping away at our self-esteem. Then we’re back at square one, repeating the cycle in a quest to find love and validation.

If you want to find true, committed love, the first step is changing your mentality. Respect your body and be respected. Love yourself, and you will be open to receiving love from others. Find ways that nurture your confidence and empowerment that doesn’t involve using your looks or sex. For example, perhaps a weekend in with good girlfriends is healthier for your soul than trolling a nightclub for men who are looking just to have fun. And when making decisions about who to invest your time in and who to share your body with, ask yourself if it’s taking you closer to finding love (both with another and with yourself) or further away.

This Valentine’s Day, I want something different, something that takes a lot more effort and most importantly a daily choice.

This Valentine’s Day I want you to love me. Not in the way they do in fairytales or romantic comedies. Not with words. Not with promises. No, none of the stuff we’ve been brought up to think is love. Leave the disguises and the icing at home. I want the real stuff. Raw, true, adult love.

You can’t buy this kind of love. And even if you tried, no amount of decoration or fancy wrapping can create it.

This Valentine’s Day I want you to show up when you say you will. I want you to follow through on the commitments you make. I want you to listen when I feel the need to express myself and not try to fix me or stop me when I cry.

This Valentine’s Day I want you to be honest with me and tell me the truth even when it’s easier to not. I want you to remember to appreciate the everyday, and not take our relationship for granted. Because sometimes it won’t feel warm and fuzzy. But no matter your mood du jour, you choose to honor your commitment and devotion even during dark days.

This Valentine’s Day, I want you to act with integrity and compassion, and remember to use your values compass to guide you when making life’s hard decisions. And when temptation or an easier path presents itself, I want you to choose the harder road of courage rather than the easier road of escapism.

This may seem like a lot to ask, but these are the everyday things that count – and they don’t come with any fancy ribbon or wrapping. No, they come exactly as they are – and show what really matters on Valentine’s Day.

Love.

Real, true, love. Love, which is an action, a commitment – a choice you make every single day. And if that’s what Valentine’s Day is here to remind us of, then heck, I want Valentine’s Day to be everyday.

So I did just that. My heart was broken and I allowed myself to go through the motions of mourning. I broke down… a lot. My control freak, composed side of me urged me to keep a poker face and forge forward. But supressing is toxic. And if I was to push off feeling the aftermath now, I’d just have to deal with the same emotions but in a more intense form at some point in the future. My process of mourning wasn’t pretty. I had no appetite and had to force myself to eat. I had a looming black cloud over me constantly. I dreaded the night, because that’s when my breakdowns would be at its worst. My heart was broken, and I tried everything I could to fix it.

But nothing did. And to be honest, what I wanted deep down inside was for the man that I loved to fix me. Then finally it dawned on me – the man who breaks your heart cannot be the same person that fixes it.

That was one hard pill to swallow.

In my experience, I felt like I came undone. For the first time in my life I truly fell deep in love with someone and at the end had my heart completely shattered. Not many people could understand why I couldn’t just move forward and “get over it”. But I think it takes a lot of courage to choose a path of healing and closure that is healthy. It takes courage to face your emotions dead-on, to talk about your insecurities and pain, and to embrace your vulnerability instead of being ashamed of it. And lastly, it sure takes a whole lot of courage to set aside your pride and ask for help.

I’ve learned that nothing and no one can give me closure. There’s no magic pill. There’s no yoga retreat that cures. There’s no set guide of instructions. There’s no allotted time that suddenly makes the sadness go away. Closure is a process, and often a long, drawn out one. And during that process, the only things that heal are time, reflection and going through the emotions. And hopefully, as healing progresses, you reach a point of forgiveness and compassion. I still have a long road ahead in this journey of getting back to good, but I know I’ll get there. Slowly, but surely.

A good friend of mine told me that “Your twenties are for f*cking up. You don’t act according to your values because you’re still establishing them.” His words ring true. While I think I’ve got a good grip on my moral compass and fundamental set of values, I’m still shaping my character to this day and will probably continue doing so for the rest of my life.

It is human to make mistakes. Some mistakes are witnessed by others and come with more shame, some are in private and come with more guilt. Some hurt others, and some ultimately hurt just you. In a life where trial and error is often how we learn, avoiding making mistakes is not very realistic. However, making different choices the next time around to avoid making the same mistake – is completely in your control.

Where we differ as human beings is the choices we make after we falter. I distinguish the difference in two different camps. There are those who use regret and remorse as a catalyst to grow and change their way of doing life in order to become better people. The consequences of their mistake serve as a reminder to do things differently to avoid repeating the same situation. Often, we need these experiences to teach us the lessons in life that ultimately shape our character.

Then, there are those who feel ashamed by their shame, and after a period of self-loathing and guilt, they resort back to their exact same way of thinking and behaviour. Instead of the mistake becoming a lesson, it becomes just another cyclical loop in habits.

When you make mistakes how do you respond? If your mistake leaves a trail of hurt and destruction in the lives of others, do you make amends and apologize with actions and empathy? Or are the people that reap the consequences of your mistake just a mere casualty of your disregard?

What builds character is not avoiding mistakes – it’s how you choose to think and act afterwards. Use your mistakes as opportunities to grow. And hopefully you can “make better mistakes tomorrow”.

I want to share a a video. It is of a talk a dear friend and former colleague of mine who discusses some of the lessons he learned after making a big mistake in his life. I have respect for how he chose to change his life after – using his experience to help him grow. Thanks for inspiring me Chris.

I’ve dabbled in health and wellness when it’s been convenient. I admit it really hasn’t been until my most recent hardship, a devastating heartbreak, that pushed me to get serious about getting healthier – both physically and spiritually.

I’ve started to realize that a whole lot of us, including myself, spend a heck of a lot of time, energy and money on making sure we appear impeccable on the outside. We decorate ourselves with designer clothes, diligently craft ourselves to appear of a certain stature and status, and do things against our better judgement to fit in with people who don’t even matter in our lives. We create illusions of ourselves to appear more important and special to others, but leave the inside neglected and in some cases, rotting. Of course this isn’t the case for everyone. Nor is there anything wrong with putting effort in to your clothes or appearance. The question is, do you spend enough time beautifying the inside as you do the outside?

I don’t think a lot of us do. And when your inside is filled with insecurity, fear, a feeling of inferiority, anger and other negative stuff – it eventually leaks out and has the potential to really hurt another. Your inner health effects your body, which effects your mind, which effects your actions, which effect the energy you put out, which effect the people around you. When you don’t work on nurturing your body and soul so that you are healthy on the inside, you ultimately end up hurting not just yourself, but the people who love you.

2012 is going to be a big year of change and growth for many of us. At least, I know it will be for me. I am going to explore treating myself better. Not with the typical way I used to do it, by indulging in a lavish pair of shoes or a handbag (don’t get me wrong, I’ll still pick up a pair of Louboutins here or there). But I will make it a point to put thought and focus on beautifying what’s inside, not just my exterior. I will do this by feeding my body food that gives me the nutrients that I need, by being gentle with my heart, acting with kindness and compassion, exercising patience (which is a virtue I do not currently have), taking care of my body, and remembering to breathe. With this mindfulness, I set to attract people in my life who share similar values and most importantly, integrity and character. I think applying discipline to creating new habits that will serve me, will also build my own character. Because at the end, isn’t that really what matters? I think Eleanor Roosevelt was on to something when she said: “Only a man’s character is the real criterion of worth.”

Here’s to a new year of becoming better, healthier individuals internally, so that we can be beautiful… both inside and out.

A partnership is not just about the emotions and feelings of love. A partnership is about commitment, and being responsible to that commitment regardless of what the external variables of the time are. It’s about the commitment to choosing decisions that will serve the relationship even when it would “feel” better to not. Married or not married, when you decide to enter into a partnership with another, commitment means you act with integrity, respect and care –even when your emotions are telling you otherwise.

Because love isn’t enough. Let me clarify, love, in the way most of us define it, isn’t enough. Love isn’t what makes you decide to not act out your desires when someone attractive starts showing you attention (and you haven’t had sex in months). Love is not what makes you apologize and give your partner a hug after an argument (even though inside you know you’re 100% right). Love is not what makes you weather the storm when disaster strikes (which it will). Love is not what makes you decide to treat each other with kindness, respect and empathy during a breakup or divorce (you’d be surprised how quickly love can feel like hate at that time). No, it’s not love. It’s commitment. It’s the responsibility to keeping your commitment. Not just to the other person, but to yourself.

Love, and that giddy feeling in your stomach may be what guides you when you’re feeling great about the apple of your eye. But what steers you when you’re going through an ebb, or a rough patch? Can you depend on love at that point?

Love isn’t rational. It can’t be controlled. If you allow a feeling that is so emotional and malleable dictate your behaviour, you’ll realise quickly that it only pans out when things are up, not when they’re down. Commitment on the other hand, will guide you through both. Commitment is not dependant on the heartstrings, it’s dependant on a conscious choice you make – and that, is something you have complete control over.

Then time goes by, and for whatever reason, the relationship doesn’t last. You break up.

The pain, the hurt, the rejection and the fear – they bring out the worst in you. Soon a side of you reveals itself that you never knew even existed. And in the midst of another screaming match with your ex, you wonder – where in the world did this all go wrong? How did love suddenly turn into…hate?

It is such a shame that couples choose to end a relationship in this way. It doesn’t have to be. It’s a choice. If you are honest with yourself and resist pride and ego take control, you will find compassion, empathy and care. Because love doesn’t disappear just because the titles have. That love may take different forms, and it may hide deep in the trenches of your heart when you’re hurt. But it’s there – even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

You see, when you love someone, despite the arguments or mistakes, it doesn’t make you love that person any less. True, that love may eventually fade through time, but it doesn’t turn off like that of a light switch. If it did, then it probably wasn’t real love to begin with.

So to those dealing with painful “ex” issues, here’s some food for thought. The next time you want to exact revenge on your ex, disregard them, scream at them, or show other signs of disrespect and hatred – try to stop for a moment and dig back in to your memory bank. Instead of viewing them as the “enemy”, remember them as the person they once were to you – someone you loved, adored and shared happiness with.

Understand that they are human too, and just dealing with pain and loss the best way they know how. But while they may don’t choose the higher road, and react with hurtful words and actions, just don’t forget this: you cannot control the behaviour of others, but you can control yours.

So act with integrity and choose to respond, not to react. And if you need a gauge, think about what the “you” five years from now would think about your behaviour, or your children. Are you conducting yourself in a way that the future, rational “you” would be proud of? Would you want your children to emulate your behaviour? If the answer is “no”, then it’s probably a good indicator that you may want to rethink your actions.

The last few months have been one of the most challenging times of my life. I lost my job, my income, and along with that, a part of my identity. Then, the relationship with the man who I thought I was going to marry, ended abruptly. I never had a back-up plan. I just trusted and gave the relationship everything I had. Since I had given up my apartment along with all my furniture to live together with him, I had no “home” left. It was as if one day I was living this stable, secure and planned life and within moments, I was lost, broken, and just trying to make it through another day.

I never, in my life, felt such paralyzing pain. There were some pretty dark times in those first few weeks, and the thoughts going through my head were toxic and downright crazy. It was as if a different person possessed me, and my worst self surfaced. Pain controlled me, along with sorrow, self-pity and a rage that screamed, “Why is this happening to me? Why is life so unfair?”.

But through the process, I realized, as much as I thought I had “lost everything”, I actually had a whole lot. I had my health, my friends and my family. And that alone, makes one extremely wealthy. My friends lent me their apartments, and with a suitcase of basics, I moved 7 times within a span of two months. My sister from New York called me every single day for two months straight, usually at least twice, to check up on me. My other sister spent nights with me, and handled me with care and a kind of nurture that only an older sister knows. Every conversation revolved around my pain and drama, and not once did they ever seem to get sick of hearing me cry, question or ramble.

My parents walked on eggshells around me, afraid to say the wrong thing. So they just showed me their care in the way they knew how but without prying or asking questions. And if you know typical Asian parents – this is an extremely hard thing to do.

And my friends – oh my dear, dear friends. They listened, comforted me, and even interrupted their own busy lives to spend time with me. A few of them literally picked me up off the floor when I would go spiralling into a dry-heaving cry fest. I’ll never forget, during the first few days, my friends took shifts visiting me – making sure that in my most fragile stage I was not alone. They brought me food and made sure I ate since I was so depressed I had no appetite. They did nothing but love me. Not once did any of my friends or family make me feel like I was an inconvenience or a burden.

And people who I don’t speak to regularly, some just acquaintances from my past – reached out to me, and wrote me messages with such kindness and compassion. Even some old friends who’ve I had past differences with, made the effort to send me a few nice words or a song, to show that they cared.

Strangers who read my articles took the time to send me thoughtful, supportive emails. People from different parts of the word, of different ages and experiences, connected with me and shared their stories. Perfect strangers – reached out with kindness, with no agenda or motive, but from one human to another, wanted to share their care.

Pretty damn amazing. And I feel so fortunate to have such a community of love and support.

So I wanted to write this note to you. All of you. Thank you for being kind, because if it wasn’t for your kindness, love and care, I don’t think I would have been able to pick myself back up. To those who sent me messages of support, or even quietly sent me some positive energy from afar – thank you. You don’t know what a difference it has made in my life.

And if there is anyone else out there, who may be going through something similar, I’ll leave you with this. If you act with love, and use that as your compass, regardless of the challenge you may be facing, however dark, deep and painful it may be – eventually, love will circle back. It may have a funny way of navigating back to you, and sometimes it can take its sweet ol’ time, but it eventually does. And it only gets better from there. I promise.

With love and appreciation,

Amy

Fast forward a decade. You have changed your home, your values, your career, your life. But while every aspect of your life was reassessed and updated, your friendships weren’t. Your friends consist of those whom you’ve shared a history with. But are grade school memories and Kodak moments enough?

There is a beauty of having old friends that I will not deny, but history alone is not enough to bring an old friendship into the present , and subsequently, the future. The people you surround yourself with, you become. We are all energy. If you subject yourself to peers who are negative, insecure or destructive, it will affect you. Regardless of your strength as an individual, you are not immune to a constant surrounding of negative energy or bad influence.

Your friendships, just like everything in your life, need updating. They need to be reassessed from time to time to determine if they are still working in your life. Your friends should bring out the best in you. If you are surrounded by people who bring out the worst  in you, then that is a serious red flag that the friendship doesn’t fit in your life. True friends are the ones that have the courage to tell you when you’re losing your way. They care enough to have those difficult conversations that most people will avoid.

If you want to have greatness in your life, surround yourself with great people. If you strive to be a happy, fulfilled, honest, confident, empowered and principled person, surround yourself with people who are the same. Is this selfish and heartless? No, it’s not. Because if you are influenced negatively by someone, it will affect how you are with the people who love you. Once you allow a negative force to permeate your life, you hurt yourself, which ultimately affects everyone that surrounds you. In no way am I saying to ditch the people you love. You can love these people all you want. But, selecting them to be in your immediate peer group is another story.

Choose your company wisely. Be relentless with surrounding yourself with those who bring out the best in you. Your direction in life depends on it. And while you’re at it, have the courage to be a good friend to those who choose you.

I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to do the right thing – for yourself and for the other person. Our emotions, feelings and chemical reactions can rule us –and it is the easier route to fall into what just “feels good” at the time instead of doing what is ultimately healthy and positive in the long run.

A breakup is very similar to the different stages of mourning the loss of someone. You will go through the rollercoaster of emotions. First, expect a lot of sadness, loneliness and a whole lot of missing. You will doubt your decision and make justifications. The next stage is denial. At this point, you will probably attempt to establish relations again. This part is very tricky. Most attempt this because the attachment is still so powerful – but be aware that it does prolong the healing and “getting over” process. Anger will definitely be another stage – where you resent, recount only the bad memories, the fights, and feel victimized. There will be a lot of blame here, and a feeling that life is unfair. Then it circles back again to sadness, where you think you’ll never open your heart again. You will tread like a fragile bird, afraid of anything that can potentially hurt you again.

Self-proclamations usually surface at this point: “I’ll never love/trust/open-up again!” But these beliefs will only jade you. And if you hold on to the cynicism too long, you may lose out on the next door that was meant to open.

It’s been over half a year since my heartbreak, and to be honest, while my everyday is filled with great friends, tons of joy and lots and lots of laughter, there are moments, especially at night, when I’m alone, that I have my moments of overwhelming emotion. I still struggle with the fact that someone who I loved so dearly left me and so easily started a new life with someone else.  So when you see how I build up impossible walls, and fight so hard to protect my ego and heart – this is where it comes from. A place of fear – where all of my insecurities – abandonment and not being good enough  - looms over me as a risk if I open my heart again.

It has taken the support and wisdom of good friends and family, beautiful songs, witnessing others in positive relationships – to take me out of my jaded, black cloud and believe in love again. I’ve realized that all I can do is be a source of love myself – embrace the love around me, cherish it and share it with others. That, is my source of joy.

I’ll end off with a quote that always reminds me of you – a constantly changing, ever- evolving soul:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”.

Love,

Me.

You allow people to treat you the way they do. Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. I know many women, who have settled for less, and simply “accepted” cards dealt because deep inside, they don’t believe they deserve more. I’m sure you know of someone, who seems to have it all together in their life, but when it come to relationships, they just can’t seem to shake the habit of dating douchebags and douchettes.

In my life, I’ve created my destiny within my career, friendships and community. With friends, I’ve really embraced the fact that friends are all unique pieces of a pie. Some will be lifetime friends that are next to family, some are social friends, some acquaintances. I’ve learned to appreciate the various types and unique forms of value each friend brings, and as well as a system of how much and what kind of energy I invest to whom. I am blessed with the best friends ever, but that inner circle is sacred and thoughtfully selective.

However, in my relationships with men, I’ve witnessed myself apply a different system – if you can even call it a system at that. I’ve tolerated men who don’t appreciate me, who don’t value my heart, who take and take, who don’t call back, who have disrespected me – I’ve allowed men to not treat me what I’m worth. This is all a matter of self-esteem and my sense of self worth in the realm of being a woman in a romantic relationship. I’ve made excuses, justified, and eagerly re-entered the game of push and pull with men who clearly don’t really value me much at all. And you know what, it sucks and feels pretty crappy at the end – chipping away the low self-esteem that got me there in the first place even more.

It took me 28 years of being hungry for love, even desperate for it at times, heart aches, heart tramples, picking up that phone when every cell in your body knows it’s the unhealthy thing to do, obsessing, infactuating, idealizing – you name it, for me to finally wake up, and realize, that my most important relationship, is the one with myself.

I’ve learned to embrace self love. And while I’ll always be a perpetual student in this journey, I’ve made the decision to apply my successful method in dealing with friendships and business to how I do my relationships. I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am and have learned that I am “perfect” the way I am, right now, right here. I will constantly be growing, evolving and working on bad habits, but those flaws, those imperfections are part of the beauty that makes me, me. I can now easily recognize men who are drawn to me only for the best of me, and as Marilyn Munroe best put it, “…If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

If I could talk to my younger self – that girl desperate for love and therefore often blinded by ideas, fabrications and untruths in order to try and capture it, I’d tell her:

“Amy, love will come to you, when you learn to love yourself, first and foremost”.

I can’t go back in time to correct my mistakes, but I can today share what I’ve learned with younger women, some who may have a misconstrued idea that giving their body away carelessly can equal love. In the words of my wise friend SK – “Be the gatekeeper”. Your heart is a precious gift. Your body is a temple. Be selective. Respect it and be respected. Love yourself and be loved. It you don’t respect and love yourself first, building a healthy relationship with another is like building a house with no foundation – eventually the cracks and lack of a strong base will cause it to crumble.

Know your value and don’t accept being treated in a way less than you deserve. Now, I don’t mean to start going out there with unrealistic expectations, demands and a sense of entitlement. I am saying that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and vice versa. The minute you negotiate your self worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don’t deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins. Change for yourself and of course, friends and partners are great mirror reflections that help you grow. But don’t change out of the wrong reasons to appease someone or in hopes that they will like you more – if they judge you for who you are now – they aren’t your fit. I’ll end off with a quote that is an inspiring reminder:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” – Sex in the City