A few years ago, I entered my first adult relationship. It took me a year to get to the point of allowing the person fully in to my life. And when I reached the point of saying the words “I love you” – it was my verbal commitment. They were words that came with promise and my usual pattern of quitting when the going got tough would not be part of my thought process. Through the thick and thin of it, I would always try to work it out. As some who have followed my blogs previously will know, that relationship came to an immediate end one day, and I felt that the person I invested my heart and energy in to abandoned and quit on me. It was extremely difficult for me to handle as I felt that the one time I changed my pattern and allowed myself to be vulnerable; I got hurt and punished for taking the harder road.

It was a time of my life where I felt so out of control as there was nothing I could do to make the painful feelings go away. I felt emotionally crippled, and told myself that I would avoid any future possibilities of me ending up in the same scenario again.

I dated and met different people, and each dating experience was a failure. Perhaps it was that I just never came across the right fit, but more likely it was because of my relentless effort to cut things off with anyone who showed a sign of potentially causing me pain or hurt. Consequently, things would never pass the dating phase because I’d cut things off usually before it could go any further than that.

In recent months, I have met someone and while it’s taken me some time, I’m comfortable applying the label of being “in a relationship”. The title to me comes with commitment and a decision of entering a partnership with someone with a certain mentality. It means that instead of “tossing it out” when a hiccup or obstacle appears, to approach with the attitude of working it out and moving forward. It’s a complete mentality shift for me. Getting to this point has taken me time, reflection and consciously quieting my brain and shutting off the stories that play in my head that are rooted in fear.

And while I’m in a healthy and positive relationship, to tell you the truth, the stories of my past, my insecurities of being quit on or being disposable, or my partner one day getting bored of me – those insecurities still exist, although quieter some days than others. To be honest, I’m so scared of being vulnerable again and having faith in someone who holds my heart is actually something I have to work hard at. And so far, each time a hiccup has occurred, my ego wants to first react but then I make a conscious decision to go against it and do what will work for the relationship. As my friend Jen positioned it eloquently, “think of what is a deal maker versus a deal breaker”.

Relationships, whether romantic or platonic are works in progress. The closest ones will never be a completely smooth ride as these relationships are part of your world to help you evolve and grow. Some relationships won’t make it, but some are worth putting aside the ego, the fears, insecurities and pride and working it through. The challenges are an opportunity for growth. And we have the power to choose whether we take the road of growth or the road of defeat.

**Picture found on weheartit.com

A common complaint from my female friends is that a man puts his best foot forward during the chase and courtship.  In the beginning, they have all the time and attention in the world for you, they may wine and dine you, pay compliments and their words are nothing but sweet and complimentary.

But after time, when the relationship is solidified, and the man has “conquered”, something changes. Perhaps the man gets more comfortable and feels that there is no longer a need to keep up with the chivalry and extra effort, perhaps it’s just a natural progression of the different stages of love…

Of course, often the woman changes too. Whereas the first few months were full of lace and lingerie, easy going hangouts and late nights, fast forward a year and there then floods an influx of demands, routine, and sweatpants. Case of bait and switch?!

It seems as if sometimes, when you reach the stage where you’re comfortable in the relationship, there is a sense that “cruise control” is good enough. There is an idea that the relationship will maintain organically and subconsciously, and the amount of effort and energy once required to get the relationship started tapers off. This may work for some couples, however, what makes the difference from being just a “good” relationship and a “great” one, requires more than maintenance and reacting to issues. Instead, it’s being proactive and consciously making a daily effort to invest in the relationship. And in this day in age where your “I have no time” has become your mantra and you have more face time with your blackberry than human interaction, the choice to not let laziness or the excuse of the day take hold of your daily commitment is just that – a choice and a priority.

My friend told me, “relationships are like gardens.” – BV. They need to be trimmed, groomed, and occasionally, you see a plant or a fountain that just doesn’t fit anymore, and you move it, remove it or even replace it. The point is, the garden just grows wild and perhaps even with full of weeds if you don’t put the attention, love and care that is needed to keep it beautiful.

I couldn’t’ agree more. There are a few things I think are simple yet often overlooked when you hit the “comfort” zone of a relationship. Here’s some traditions I think make for great relationships and help harvest a beautiful garden.

Quality time – Make the effort and choice to provide undivided attention when together. While this may not be possible all the time, being distracted and non-present should be exceptions, not common occurrence.

Both people must be on the same page when committing to growing and investing in the relationship. If both people, everyday, think about how they can build the relationship and make the other person happy, the relationship will balance and flow.

Be polite and courteous. Never be derogatory or condescending even when joking around.

Give more than you take. Think of the other person before yourself. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes is the seed to compassion and empathy.

Don’t go to sleep upset.

Treat each other with respect, love and care.

Say what you mean. Do what you say. The minute you break a promise, even a small one, you lose trust. If you really want something, you’ll find a way. Excuses for not delivering mean you just didn’t want it badly enough.

Greet each other in a loving and excited way. I learned this from Tony Robbins. He made the comparison to how the excitement of when a dog greets you and how that increases happiness. I see how that really can set the tone. Imagine every time you walk through the door your partner greets you with the biggest hug and smile? What a great feeling.

And of course, communicate. Even the strongest love won’t prevail if there isn’t a healthy exchange of communication that is based in love and honesty, not pride and ego.

You are a jetsetter with places to go and people to meet. So, look the part. And just like your drink of choice, your luxury travel accessories can say a lot about you (well, at least the type of traveler you are). Here are three luggage options perfectly suited for the fashionista, the business traveler and the leisurely lady.

Fashionista: Polka dots are the latest leopard print, stripes are the new paisley, cobalt is the new black. With the trends changing faster than you can say the words “recessionista”, I’d suggest going with a brand and print that doesn’t have an expiry date, such as the classic Louis Vuitton Keepall bag. Just like fine wine, the signature Louis Vuitton leather only gets better with age.

WANT Olympic DeGaulle Bags

The Modern Business Traveler: The must-have travel accessory for the modern traveler is by WANT Les Essentiels de la Vie. The “new kid on the block”, this brand originates from Montreal and was launched in 2006. Using beautiful Norwegian leather and a clean, understated, design, these travel bags range from the $500 – $1700 range and can be found at leading luxury department stores such as Holt Renfrew, Barneys, Lane Crawford and Harvey Nichols. The various pockets and functionality of the bag makes it perfect for the business traveler. The latest from the brand, the limited edition WANT Olympic DeGaulle Bags comes with five interchangeable handles in yellow, blue, green, red and black, reflecting the colours of the Olympic rings, and gold hardware emulating the prized medals. Just another reason that makes WANT the “it bag” of 2010.

WANT Carry-on Bag

The Leisurely Lady: A week in the Hamptons would not be complete without the elegant and classic set by Globe-Trotter. Since 1987, the company’s philosophy is to never compromise the integrity of craftsmanship. Their designs are sleek and uniquely handmade, with each piece constructed from Vulcan Fibre – a material as light as aluminum yet as hard wearing as the finest leather. Definitely ideal for multiple outfit packing while ensuring your favorite Manolos are safely protected!

www.KiwiCollection.com

And then when you’re in a relationship, there are often expectations and and an uncomfortable sense of pressure around the occasion. Well, I’ve decided this year, that Valentine’s day really should be a day like all others – a day of love, appreciation and affection. You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to celebrate your friends, your family and even strangers – who are all sources of love that surround you.

To be happy on this commercialized holiday, I find there are a few key ingredients for a fool proof happy February 14th.

1. Have low expectations

2. Tell at least 5 people in your life that you love them

3. Just be….with love. Be it, act it, think it, embrace it and be open to it

Happy love day everyone. May your year be filled with affection, quality time, appreciation and love.

Disclaimer:

If you are an already established douchebag, sensitive to sarcastic and un-PC language or just plain angry, I recommend you stop reading. If you continue to read, but proceed to get mad anyway, please skip to the BONUS point.

1.
You ride your obnoxiously loud motorcycle up and down the streets of Yaletown. FYI: the higher the decibels of your big bad engine revving do not increase your manliness or package size. You’re a douchebag.

2.
You find it a fine accomplishment that you get completely obliterated 4 times a week and feel the need to constantly brag on every social medium to announce the hardcore partyer that you are. Bravo.

3.
Bedazzled anything. Enough said.

4.
You use your drug dealing income to front a tanning salon for your blond asian girlfriend.

5.
You are a dad over 55 and bring your sons (all under the age of 23) to Vegas, point at the silicone busting naked girls and pant, “GO GET YERSELF ONE OF THOSE BOYZZZ”

6.
While in that same Vegas pool, you scream at my best friend “Show me YER TITS! C’MON – It’s the 4th of July!”

7.
You walk with that mighty chest puffed out with your gangsta pirate swagger while your deep cut beater tank reveals your Celtic / tribal / dragon tattoos

8.
You use the following phrases “Bitchezzz”, “get WASTED” and “let’s DOOO dis!” in one complete sentence.

9.
You’re merely over the teenage acne phase yet shout cat calls out at me while I’m walking with my mom.

10.
You sport any of the following: LV man purse, Gucci Sling Bag, Christian Audigier, Ed Hardy, True Religion Jeans or belts with a HUGE IceBerg buckle. And, if you sport all of them simultaneously, you win first prize!

11.
You hock your spit on the sidewalk, allow doors to slam on the person walking behind you and yell at service staff – that makes you a Douchebag plus asshole in one.

12.
Uber gay lip pout and gang sign hand signal in all of your pics (oh you know the “Wessssiiddde” symbol I’m talking about) – that’s in the manual right?

BONUS: Closet douchebag alert – You take out your insecurity based frustrations by reading my articles and sending me insulting, grammatically incorrect messages signed anonymous. My advice is you start at number one on the list again, and REPEAT.

Signed,

Amy Shameless

A new time has arrived where men and women alike guard material and theoretical possessions with military-esque precision yet allow for their hearts to be disposable. This time seldom sits down for a hot, slowly chewed, homemade meal, or stops to smell the roses… hell -  it hardly stops at all. This time that we are living in is so over exposed, so over excited, that it needs medication to slow down the senses. The simplicity of love has been muffled by the disorientation of priorities. Well I am here to tell you, everything you will ever need is inside you, and there is nothing less disconcerting than someone who is afraid to give with their whole heart. Whether it is the love of a moment, or love of another person, unexpressed gratitude for the purity of these shooting stars of happiness is a moment lost never to be found again. To the people of the “self deserving” generation, who assume they are just naturally entitled to whomever, whenever, at whatever suits their schedules and ego’s, a reminder that this world does not revolve around you. It never has. It never will. Pure love does not happen to just anyone, any day. It is earned.

Do not think twice about opening your life. First truly to yourself, then to another. Understand that success is not measured in figures, networks, contacts, or image: but in the arms of the person that has exclusively chosen to call you their own, one that understands that every great man in history has had a great woman by his side. A strong woman, who weaves dreams, giggles in solitude, is a child at heart and pure in soul. She cries and that doesn’t show weakness, she wishes and that doesn’t show naivety, she pushes for more because she should, not because she’s ungrateful. Love that woman. Love that man. Allow these people on the conquest for something bigger to rise to the top and be together. Because there is too much and many that do not attempt for this level of excellence in their heart of hearts. To each their own! But not for one moment should those that do feel they are asking for too much. Ladies with little girls in their hearts, there is a man that will pick you wild flowers, hold you with all the strength in the world, and look at you every single day like you are the most perfect entity that skipped on the floor of this earth. Men, there is a lady that will always say thank you, that will be gentle and kind, strong and civil, intelligent and true, and never take you for granted.

Negotiate less, strive for more. Find a love that even time will lay down and be still for.

Azita Ardakani {Hopeful Romantic}

Whether it is what our friends are doing, or what the current hype in media is, we are plugged in. The bottom line is more than ever, we are connected. Literally & figuratively. Whether you like it or not, you are tied into an engine that on a daily basis passes around millions of packets of data. Chances are you would rather wait for your “news” (entertainment, political, social, humour, or random etc) come to you than go out and find it. This alongside the fact that it takes a millisecond is probably why most traditional news outlets are going out of business. Social media generates news in and amongst itself and is setting new boundaries as it goes along.

How is this changing communication? What am I being exposed to and is it necessary? Because ultimately, every “tweet,” every “status update, link, photo/video posting” is effort, and effort is energy. So even if it doesn’t seem to occupy much of your headspace, you are spending x amount of your day expending energy, and you have to ask yourself, what value is this adding to my life, or others? Are people taking responsibility for the messages they are putting out and passing on? Before jumping on an easy bandwagon do people ask themselves: what value does this have?

Be selective on what you decide should be shared, and what should be viral. Before pushing out communication realise that you are giving power to the message, however significant or insignificant as it may be. We as a social media community collective can do serious damage to corporations, organizations, brands, which are ultimately made up of people. We are also fuelling advertising to companies who strategically create something with all the key elements to allow for a “viral recipe”: 1 part shocking element, 1 part intrigue, and 1 part human connection. Mix with video or website (s) and let the linking begin. There appears to be a disconnect between users and ownership of the individuals message (even if it is passes someone else’s along). Quickly many businesses are realising that they are losing control of their brand as it gets disseminated by the unique experiences of the masses.

This power can also be used for good. If you see, do, hear of, are exposed to something inherently good (a contribution to a positive collective bigger than yourself) there is a quick firing, easy access niche available at your finger tips. Utilize this. Build on it. Pass along messages of worth. Add value to the lives of others, and be responsible with what you decide needs to be “passed on/forwarded/digged/linked/bitlied, etc.”

This intricate new age game of telephone will indefinitely change the way we receive and give information in our communication. It is changing as I type this. We can give kudos to business practices, organizations, and people that deserve it; we can spread awareness on the same platform used by conglomerates. You as a user have equal access and power in your relationship to the message you put out. Be aware of this and use social media towards social good. Or at the very least, understand your relationship with your individual distribution of content.

The space is in the heart of trendy Yaletown in Vancouver, B.C., with an open space concept and tasteful vintage furniture throughout. A quaint and welcoming place, Raw Canvas has the comfort of a parisian grandmother’s living room but with a modern and eclectic vibe.

Canvases start at $40 each. Makes for a great date night or socializing spot with friends.

The “Drug” kind of guy feels good when you have its attention, its eye… and when you don’t; you are left craving and yearning for your next fix. You know in your gut that it’s bad for you, but the desire to have that moment of pleasure, that rush, is so overpowering that you make decisions that are against your rationale anyway. And as your friends are all shaking their head at the cycle of abuse you’ve signed up for, you can’t help but shake off that dangerous allure of the bad boy – their  “I don’t care” attitude, their alpha male confidence, their unavailability…

Throughout the years, my same “drug” experience with this type of man has repeated itself in my life. To them, I’m just another high  – when you provide them pleasure, they like you, and when you don’t, they don’t care for you.  In my experiences this type of man gave me a strange feeling of validation, of being “special” – because out of everyone who showers him with attention in the crowd, he “picked me”.  However, the primary reason why he liked me in the first place was due to the “Siren” extension of self I exuded –an Amy that is glammed up, ultra confident, flirtatious and sexy. And while I am busy maintaining my “ceremonies” for attracting, so is he – with his ego and alpha male extension of self  - both of our alter egos doing the flirting dance.

Then there is another kind, the “Vitamin” kind. This person has self love, and therefore is able to give and receive love. He isn’t looking to you to fulfill him or provide another exciting rush or chase. He sees you for the beauty beyond your shell – your essence (which is a constant) and is patient and understanding throughout your various extensions of self (which is always changing). When you’re around him, there is a sharing of an honest, sincere and positive energy.  It’s healthy for you and whether your experience with this person lasts for just a moment or a few years, your heart and soul are left just a little more joyful because of them.

Seems like common sense doesn’t it? But to this very day, my attraction to the “drug” still exists, and probably always will.  It’s not easy changing patterns – the justifying, the lowering of standards, the cycles of abuse/mistreatment that we suddenly tolerate as a norm. But, while the draw may always be there to some degree, my decision to delve into it once again and allowing the high to inhabit my headspace is a conscious choice. Now I’m asking myself different questions before making my decisions. Instead of, “Will this feel good/exciting right now?” I use the following question as my guide: “Where do you want to go, and will the decision you’re about to make take you one step closer in that direction, or veer you off your path”?

It was fun while it lasted -  the drugs, vitamins, Tylenols – heck, the whole gamut – but I’m quite ready to retire from the unhealthy choices and the excitement/ drama that comes along with it.  I’m able to recognize the reality right away versus before, when I’d visualize a fantasy of what could be and believe I could actually tame a wild horse. There are consequences of grasping on to the temporary highs – not just the pain, but eventually, a chipping of self esteem, self worth and standards. You also get into such a pattern of the exciting bad boys that you may overlook and miss opportunity to the real gems out there…the Vitamin Kind.

For every lasting relationship, whether that be a business, romantic or platonic one, there must be an exchange of value. It’s a concept that dates back in history, when bartering was the method of commerce. But for some reason, in this day in age, there seems to be a lack of understanding on the very nature of relationships.
I often receive various requests that are along the lines of:

“Can I pick your brain”
“Could I get some free marketing advice?”
“Do you want to collaborate…”
“I have this event, we don’t really have a budget…”

However you arrange the sentence, if it has the words: no budget, collaborate, or pick brain – let’s take off the sugar coating and call it what it really is: GRATIS, also known as “give it to me for free”.

Now there is nothing wrong with giving or doing something for free. Starting out in my career, I paid my dues by doing unpaid work to gain experience. I volunteer and often provide free marketing and promotion services for charities and fundraising events. I help my close friends (key word, “close”) with everything from marketing advice, writing to styling. While there was no monetary compensation for the transactions named above, some form of value was exchanged.

Value is not limited to monetary compensation. Other forms of value include opportunity, fulfillment, gaining of experience, creative energy and networking to name a few. I work as a marketing professional and am compensated financially for my work and am paid for my creative ideas. I have invested a lot of time, money, effort and education in order to get here. So why do acquaintances and people I hardly know ask me to provide free marketing work so that they can in turn cut margins and be more profitable in their business?

I don’t think it’s a matter of bad intention, but since there is no official etiquette book on how/when /if one should ask for something, there is a naiveté and inexperience around the matter.

So before you ask someone for something for free, ask yourself if they are a professional in that area, because it it’s one’s profession, that means it is work, and work means you pay. If it is a favor, ask if you are in a position to be asking that favor. Is it an acquaintance, a peer, someone’s brother’s-cousin’s-girlfriend’s-mom? If you aren’t someone they consider part of their inner circle nor have you ever sent them a birthday card or know what their dog’s name is, the answer likely is, don’t ask.
Next, will you be making a profit? I understand you may be a start up, but why should someone bust their ass for you so you can make a bigger margin? PS. A business that “doesn’t yet have any profits” doesn’t qualify as a non-profit so please don’t use that angle, there is a difference between lending skills/talents to help people vs. helping profits.

Have you asked more than once? Taking advantage of the generosity and kindness of others is just greedy and yucky to be around. Really, if you are constantly taking and asking, people will avoid you like the plague. Lastly, would you do it for them if they had asked you first?

Of course, there is definitely a lot of gray area and exceptions. But I figured that since in the last two weeks alone I’ve been asked to be the spokesperson in a denture commercial, model for a ‘for-profit’ fashion event, provide marketing consultation, teach social media to a large corporation and participate in marketing strategy – all for free, I figured this article may help filter my inbox requests. At the end of the day, it’s about value – feel free (pardon my pun) to ask for something for no charge if you think in some shape or form the other party will get value out of it. Consider. Don’t just think of cutting your costs and what you can get out of someone.

I have created intricate strategies and methods to avoid it at all costs – often at the expense of canceling people out of my life just so that I can beat them to the punch. Call it being a control freak, call it being insecure, but when I don’t get the response expected from someone, I assume the worse and take it personally. I immediately create a story in my head that “they just aren’t that in to me” and purge -  deleted off my phone, social networks and life they go. I jump to the conclusion before they even have a chance to respond. I realize that I have a pattern of letting people “go” instead of letting them “be” and as much as I’ve tried to change this habit, I have to admit, it’s been very, very difficult and I have a long way to go.

Recently, I met someone who expressed interest in me but was going through the stages of a post-breakup of a major relationship. The minute that I didn’t hear from him, despite his distraught emotional headspace, I did my typical “purge” routine.  Easily, out of my headspace, my agenda and life he went. Then a dear friend of mine gave me some words of wisdom.

“Amy, we’ve grown up to feel like we always need instant gratification. We always want the boy to like us back right away just because we like them.

There is one common thread to wounded birds. They are all trying to re-learn how to fly and they become adamant on changing the way they do life and relationships, for the fear of going back to that broken place”. – SS

These words are very true and relevant. Many of us (me included) have an idea/expectation of how courting/relationships should play out. And when it doesn’t happen according to the “plan” in our head, we feel rejected and take it personally, when really, it has nothing to do with you at all. In this fast pace world of instant messenger, SMS, email –  the flash speed of things is actually not a normal pace…we’re just so used to it, that when things do take a normal pace, we get impatient and antsy.

Books such as “He’s Just Not That into You” do have many points that ring true, however, it’s important to remember that  every situation, every person, every potential budding of a relationship is different. I have been relentless trying to be the extreme opposite from that girl in that book who just didn’t get the hint – and to be honest, that way of going about relationships has likely kyboshed more opportunities than thwarted potential rejection.  Women whose hearts are like “7 lane superhighways” may find it frustrating or demotivating when dealing with men who take a slower one lane dirt road, but sometimes things just take time and their own pace. All you can do is “be a friend with no expectations and the both of you will eventually find out if your highway and his road will meet one day”. Everything happens and doesn’t happen for a reason.

I know many women who beat themselves up and get upset when it doesn’t work out the way they expected. All I can say is, it has nothing to do with you. It’s not because you aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, athletic enough – you, are perfect just the way you are. But when you are with a match that isn’t meant to fit with you, it just doesn’t fit. And that’s no one’s fault or shortcoming.

Being a single girl, meeting different people, giving things a chance to realize that it wasn’t a fit – yes, it can be exhausting at times. And while before I would see a negative angle of “it just never works” or “I give up!” – I’ve realized that it’s not “working” because it wasn’t meant to. I’m at a place of contentment now where I just have faith. Faith and patience that it will all happen when it should happen, and when it does, it’s going to be AMAZING. I’m not a religious person, but I’m starting to believe more and more that half of it is fate and half of it is choice. So have faith in fate to bring the right opportunities with the right people –  at the right time, and be open to making and choosing the right decisions when it does.

I know that you are going through some trying times and I know that losing both your parents now has made you feel very alone, almost lost and without a sense of “home”. When I see how full of love and strong you are – I wish so badly that I could do to make some of the hurt subside – but there isn’t anything that I or anyone else can say or do to make the pain, the missing, or the numbness go away. I want to share with you one of my favorite quotes:

“…But all endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.”

- From the book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

This is your new beginning…your rebirth. This time in your life marks you building your own sense of “home”. A “home” within yourself – built on joy, living life according to your principles and values, giving to others and the community in an unconditional way, removing negative sources of energy in your life and thriving on the positive. You are such a giver and a pleaser, and it may be very challenging to put limitations on the people and the amount that you give to others. But if your own heart and soul doesn’t have enough replenishment, then you cannot be at your best nor give your best to those who really matter.

I look forward to seeing all the great changes, successes and steps forward you will and are making in your life. I feel honored to be your friend and a part of your transformation.

With love,

Me.

Looking back at some recent events of my life I’ve realized that, life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. You make these critical decisions that ultimately sway you on one path or another. Each path heading a different direction, with its own twists and turns, destination unknown.

In love – when I was younger, I always thought you were destined for your one and only soul mate. However, I’ve realized that you can have many loves, and you may even share love with a soul mate but not end up being with that person.

You may question, “Whatever happened to the belief that love is predetermined by fate and stars and all that other magical stuff – this theory of multiple loves is surely not romantic enough!”

Sure it is. I’m not saying to have multiple relationships at a time, I’m saying that it’s about finding a person you are truly compatible with and letting love develop with that person. “Once your love develops, he will become the only one for you…It is your heart not destiny, that turns a mere man into a unique, irreplaceable partner for all your ways” (Kearns).

I once connected with a person who was unavailable. While our feelings, still young, were mutual, the reality was that he was already committed to another person. While nothing developed more than a deep and caring friendship, it is interesting to consider, what could have been if he had made a different choice. We would probably be the main characters together in our Choose Your Own Adventure book. But he didn’t. He made his choice and stuck with it, and his path, his story, will be a different one, not better, not worse, just different. As so will mine.

But how can you love someone and still connect with someone else? Well, I think you can fully love and respect your partner, but still naturally connect with others. When you are young, you may decide to act on each one of those connections – you have more freedom to hop around, test different opportunities. But there comes a point when you realize that temptations and different connections will always exist, but at some point you have to make a choice – and with faith, stay true to that decision.

Life is funny that way – it tests you, tempts you, sometimes throws doubts at you. And all you can do is go through it with dignity, honesty and openness. What is important is that no matter which path you walk or which destination you land – you know that at the end of day, you walked each step true to your principles and values.

I want to end off with a thank you…to those who have been such an impact on my life, my dreams, my choices. And to all my readers – some who I’ve met in person, and some who I have not – thank you for taking the time to read my blogs, for your comments and for those kind messages that are always so supportive and positive.

Thank you for being a part of my adventure.

Perseverance and commitment are two big themes that I’ve contemplated about this year.  In the last year,  I’ve explored being single again. I’ve met so many new people, established new friendships, strengthened old relationships, been on some good dates and some not so good. I have jumped into things quickly only to realize again that slowing down is really a better path. I have built walls-thick massive ones to guard my heart and am slowly learning again how to build bridges.  I have been loved, liked, rejected, hurt and charmed. Let’s not forget the Yaletown puma circuit and the variety of douchebags along the way too.  =P

But through it all, at this stage in my life, the next person that I commit to, I hope to build a lifetime with that person.  And while I have met men that may be smitten or attracted to me, I wonder if they have the devotion to persevere through the hard times. The times when I’m insecure and fragile, when I hurt and don’t have the energy to be a happy mood enhancer, when I’m inpatient and frustrated, when I trip and bruise because I’m such a klutz, when I lack basic life skills with anything that has to do with cars, appliances and meals that involve more than 5 ingredients, when I’m not pretty and have  zero sex appeal, when gravity takes force and I have wrinkles and a much larger dress size, when I’m emotionally drained and weak… will you still persevere?>

Divorce rates are at phenomenal highs, and I’m sure that if you were to count the number of friends you have in healthy relationships, the ratio of unhealthy and unhappy ones would overrule. There are many reasons behind this, one being we are no longer marrying for survival, as many in our parents and grandparents generations did, divorce is a lot more attainable and accessible than it was ever before in history, and so forth. However, I think there is also a major shift in our generation’s culture and way of thinking in North America. We live in a consumerist society, where upgrading and striving for the next best thing is the norm and incredibly easy to obtain. We are also fanatics of instant gratification – and our everyday practices of speedy responses via email and text to a purchase or drug to feel some degree of a rush is a common occurrence. We like quick fixes and we want it fast and we want it now. And if you stop to really think about it, this everyday way of being transpires into the way we conduct and go about our relationships as well.

“Things” are disposable and unfortunately, this mentality has equated to people being disposable too. When it feels good, when all the right chemicals are reacting together to create a blissful, excited harmony, we are “happy” and some would say, “in love”. But when it stops bringing that pleasure, excitement, rush and fun, then the easy thing is to dispose and just get a new one, or cheat. Of course, I’m not saying everyone is like this, but I do feel many people go about “love” in this manner. This way isn’t necessarily wrong as that would depend on your personal value set and definitions, but for me, I don’t think it is rooted in reality, and practically speaking, it’s exhausting.

Relationships are hard, and true, loyal commitment is even harder. Sometimes you will feel like you are “stuck in reverse”…but if you say those words, “I love you…I can’t live my life without you…” those are powerful words that shouldn’t be treated lightly – they come with promise and faith. And while you may not have the feel good chemicals to push you through those hard times, hopefully your promise and strength will guide you to choose perseverance.

At the beginning of my second decade of life, I was a wannabe gangster chick that hung out with a crowd who’s life goals revolved around intimidating others to feel powerful, buying BMW X5’s, shopping at Boy’s Co and getting drunk every weekend at nightclubs. I was living in a world of non-reality, where easy money and disillusionment was normalized, and it was hard to step out of it and see how warped that world really was.  Then one night, my friend was murdered at a nightclub and it was the first death I had ever experienced. It took that incident along with meeting legitimate people while in LA who had real jobs and real empowerment for me to see that the “empowerment” I knew of, was completely distorted. The day I flew back from LA I wrote down my vision on starting an events promotions company. And at age 22, that’s what I did.

I started to promote at nightclubs and at this point in my life, I was completely boy crazy. I was obsessed over my looks and looking “perfect” for men. I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men, typically party promoters and DJs, subconsciously hoping to get validation through association. Of course behind it all, I was still such an innocent girl with a fairytale dream of love, and I was hurt and confused a lot.

I then entered the next stage of my career, marketing. I inspired to be a successful, intelligent and respected business woman and left the “fabulous’ party girl behind. I was an overachiever and strived for the next raise, the next promotion and quickly moved up in the corporate ladder. I found myself constantly getting high after the chase and conquer and realized how uncomfortable I was with being still.

Then,  I fell in love to a free spirited, beautiful soul. In that relationship I learned so much about myself and really started to become comfortable in my own skin. I learned about the different stages and kinds of love and how to really care for someone. I thought I had met the person I’d spend the rest of my life with, and thought I was so sure of it. I experienced my first real heart break in that relationship and while it was a rollercoaster of emotions, I am stronger and even more sure of myself, my boundaries and my needs than ever before.

That leads me to the Amy today, who is still changing and growing by the moment, but also building a stronger foundation of lessons learned at the same time. I don’t regret any experience, relationship, obstacle or choice I have made to this point, but if I was to write a letter to my younger self, here are some of the lessons I’d pass down:

On work:

Never put  all your eggs in one basket. When they need you more than you need them, your ability to speak up, your performance and your confidence will be greater.

Dress professionally and be presentable. Leave the flip flops and lululemon capris for the beach.

Stop saying “sorry” so much and giggling when you are presenting or asked a question you don’t know the answer to. Appear confident even if you’re not really feeling it at the moment.

Prove your value and ask for a raise with the data and facts that support your request.

Update your resume every few months and know what jobs are on the market – even if you’re not looking for one at the time.

Don’t be a bitch, but know when and how to negotiate.

Don’t do or say things just for the sake of reaffirming your value – people can see through it.

Do not make it a norm to eat lunch at your desk.

On friends:

The 5 people you associate with, you become. You can love your friends and family as much as you want, but that does not automatically equate to having them as part of your peer group. Recognize who is toxic to you and distance yourself. It’s normal to feel guilty or bad, but that’s a girl socialization thing you got to get over.

All relationships are an exchange of value – give and don’t just take.

Do you talk only about yourself? When your friend is telling you a story do you interject and all of a sudden the story is about you? Most people who do this don’t have a clue and it’s a huge turn off.

Build a strong foundation of female friends and make the effort, time and energy to get together with them often. Your community is so important.

Each friend will provide a different value. Some friends will be there to go out and have a fabulous time with. Some will be the most loyal and supportive but forget your birthday. Before you write someone off because they are not like this or that, look hard for how they do compliment your life.

Even the best of friends can be energy vampires. If you deplete yourself, you will not be able to give your energy to the others you love. It’s like the airplane rule: put the oxygen mask on yourself before others.

On Love and Men

“Men build bridges…they will build huge, massive bridges to get to you”. – Drew Barrymore

The quote explains something I never grasped in my early twenties. I’m all about the modern, independent woman who goes out and gets what she wants. But in my botched attempts, too many excuses of why he didn’t’ call and more, I’ve learned that the chasing is usually not too successful when done by the woman. Sure, flirt or invite the opportunity – I’m all about that, but don’t chase or be the aggressor…it just doesn’t work at the end. If a guy really likes you, he will make time to see you – nomatter what. If a guy really likes you, he will call you and initiate effort. If they don’t, they really weren’t that in to you and if that’s the case, is that what you want?

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” – Randy Pausch

Be selective. Your body is a temple. Respect it and be respected.

No matter what stage in the relationship you are in, don’t get so comfortable and lazy that you wear sweatpants every day or start talking in that high pitched baby voice. It’s a stairway to abstinence.

Don’t be desperate, ever. You will only end up feeling shitty with lower self esteem after.

Be supportive and don’t put him down.

Even the strongest love and relationship cannot survive on cruise control. Nurture it, feed it, pay compliments and do little sweet things for each other.

Make it a ritual to greet each other in a loving, excited way every time you or him walks through the door. Very similar to the happy feeling you get when your dog rushes to greet you. Imagine coming home to that from your partner every day?

Say thank you. Don’t ever assume that someone just “knows” show and verbalize your appreciation.

Take time before moving in together. That dating phase is crucial for building a strong foundation.

Guys – notice her hair, or dress and let her know once in a while how beautiful you think she is. We need to hear that verbally once in a while.

On Feeling Fabulous

Take care of yourself. Do your nails, relax at the spa, whatever it is that makes your body and soul feel great. It will exude.

Wear pretty dresses.

If you have bad cramps or acne, Yasmin birth control will save your life.

Stand tall and walk with your head up.

Take dance classes and dance like no one’s watching.

Take time every morning for personal “me” time. That’s something I learned from watching Robin Sharma’s presentation. If you start your morning rushed and running around, it will set the tone for your entire day.

Write in a journal.

Stop apologizing for who you are – your habits, your childhood issues, your quirks – they are all a part of you and you are perfect just the way you are.

Act with grace and class. Ask yourself, “what would Audrey do?”

It’s not weak or shameful to feel emotions – sadness, anger, rejection. Allow yourself to feel them, be conscious that you are feeling an emotion but that emotion does not define you and once it passes, go forward.

Laugh lots.

Give to others. Share with others. Do thoughtful, unexpected things for others. It’s a fool proof way for everyone winning.

Write thank you cards.

Reflect on how fortunate you are and all the great people and opportunities in your life. When you feel appreciation and gratitude, your world is all sunshine.

Look for the good in everybody. Everyone has good in them and that “thing” that makes them special. Sometimes, they don’t even know it. But if you give them a chance and look for that good versus what’s bad, people will rise up to the “good” label. When someone is expected or labeled as something negative, they assume the role and easily become what is expected of them.

Thank you for reading…

I write about my life and share it with strangers because it is a healing and growing process for me. Also, I believe that if someone else out there is going through the same thing, then maybe, they won’t feel so alone. I have had people reach out to me and tell me that my writing has helped them through a difficult time in their lives, and I am very appreciative and inspired by that. I don’t claim to be an expert or know it all –all I know is what I experience and learn along the way and can only hope that I can process that data in a way that makes sense to others. Thank you for reading and being part of my growing process.

Lately, I have discovered that some of the beliefs I have had may not be so black and white afterall. In fact, some beliefs were passed down to me from my parents, my culture, my friends, magazines, along with my personal experiences and perspectives along the way. I used to have a belief that that hanging out with a bad crowd was empowering or cool. In retrospect I don’t know how I could have ever hung onto such a belief.

Today I have started to question some of the beliefs I have on marriage, on what love really means, and the various definitions that come along with relationships. I have always believed in marriage….but if you ask me why…I can’t really tell you an answer other than that’s the way it “should be”. Do I have this black and white idea of what marriage should be, at what age and how because I attach certain values to it, or is it because I have been socialized to believe that’s what normal is?

In recent posts, I’ve discussed how my definition of love is changing. Today I just spoke to a colleague who has been happily married for lmost a decade with three children. He told me the secret to marriage is that the most important thing is that being a team, being best friends is far more important that being in love, or in lust as those feelings will fade or transform eventually and especially when children come into the picture. That was interesting to hear, as I have always thought you need to be constantly in love in order for a marriage to last or for two people to stay monogamous to each other.

I used to envision that life with my partner meant that we’d still romance each other and kiss passionately even in our 60’s. That the flowers continue and the love notes are still a regular occurrence. But perhaps my definition of marriage, of long lasting love was more of a fantasy than a reality. Or maybe despite the odds, my fairy tale would come true.

I don’t quite know yet, and I think it will take some more time, and experiences for me to really create my own beliefs on what is normal, what is real and what is not. I do know that your own beliefs need checking in on from time to time, because as we change and grow, some of our beliefs no longer serve us. And if we not look at our beliefs systems with objectivity and brutal honesty, we may never uncover the root of our patterns and behaviors.

Is it something that is possible at first sight? An energy? A feeling? A way of being?

Can you be in love with someone one moment and not the next? Can you fall in love over and over again? Can you fall out of love and back in love with the same person?

Is love a powerful force enough for two people to prevail through the hardships, ups, downs, peaks and valleys of a relationship? Or does love skip and hop freely, vibrating to the next force of energy? Is love something built over time or is it an unexplainable, instant chemistry?

I thought I understood what love meant. I thought I loved myself wholly, loved others unconditionally, and was loved by others as well. I am now reaccessing my definitions of love and discovering that what I thought was love was really just a bunch of emotions, conditions and blinding lust. I am discovering that there are so many different forms of love with someone throughout a relationship – lustful love, blind love, romantic love, caring love, nurturing love, content love…in love….while the actions, symptoms and feelings may be different with each form of love, at the end of the day, they are all just part of one grand thing. Whatever verb you use to put in front of it, love… is love.

When I think of Jenny now, I try to think of her as she was before everything went horribly wrong with us. After all these years I still try to fixate on one specific image of her, one of which I often think. It is an image of her descending a flight of stairs in a cheap, Italian restaurant. It was the first real date I ever took her on. It was all that I could afford. She left the table, went to the washroom, and as she returned I watched her walk down the stairs. And, in that very brief moment, my mind took a picture. A picture of her smiling at me as she never had before. It was as if, for that one split second, everything in the world stopped. Armies put down their weapons and decided to make war an affair of timed kite flying, the worst teams in every sporting league on earth won by enormous margins, those that had nothing gained everything and I was standing in an openness so vast and spectacular that I was reduced to nothing more than a pickling jar filled with air saved from the beginning of time. It was, in a word, rapture. You may think it sounds unlike me or silly of me to say, but I hope that in your life you will know what I’m getting at.

Love. This simple four letter word is so meaningful yet also so abused, so sincere yet also so misunderstood. It is used a lot yet not used enough. We all have our own definition of love. This definition can change throughout time and can take on a whole new meaning and level through each experience with it.

I used to use the word love freely – with friends, with desires, within relationships… I guess I was young, and not yet experienced enough to really understand what the word meant to me. I used to confuse the word love with lust and in retrospect, often “fell in love” with hypothetical dream worlds created in my naive and innocent mind rather than the person themself.. Throughout my experiences I have abused the word, feared the word and finally, at age twenty five and three quarters, am finally learning how to embrace the word.

To me, the words “I love you” is a commitment. It is a statement of declaration that promises that you love the other person unconditionally – without judgement and without prejudice and will continue doing so until the end of time. While of course it is possible to love someone at one point and not love them at another, I think that a declaration of love means you intend to commit to care for them in your heart for the long run – even if they at times annoy you, anger you and even hurt you.

In order to love someone, you need to know them – meaning not the one or two sides they choose to present, but their different sides that come out in their different roles and experiences. Is that person consistent in their principles as a friend, a brother, a restaurant patron, a travel companion? You may find that you “love” someone as your lover, but are appalled when you see their character when playing a different role.

What about love at first sight?

Have you ever met someone and almost instantaneously, you felt this incredible passion for them? Perhaps it was love at first sight….or not.

Perhaps what your really experienced was lust at first sight? Now, I may sound like a skeptic, and I’m sure there are plenty of relationships out there that experienced love at first sight and are now living happily ever after. But, in my theory of needing to truly know someone to truly love them, love at first sight doesn’t exist. But hey, who am I to doubt? I’ve definitely experienced a magnetic attraction and unexplanable passion and care for someone I hardly knew – so perhaps there are some holes to my theory. On that note, I’ll end off with a lovely song…

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don’t break it
Love was made for me and you

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don’t break it
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you,,,

–Nat King Cole

As my high expectations and idealistic vision was disappointed time and time again, I started to realise that it wasn’t all the guys I was dating that was the problem, it was my perspective.  I realised that love does not prevail all – and at first, this was shattering to what I thought I knew my whole life. When it comes to building a relationship with someone, and potentially spending the rest of your life with someone, being “in love” is not enough. Both partners needs to have a fundamental commonality of core values and principles. If not, nomatter how strong the love, how good the sex, or how high the hopes, it will not work (or at least, the partners will not be in harmony).

How both people handle finances, views on right or wrong, parenting principles – these are the things that come up at some point of the relationship after the honeymoon. It’s like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole – something I’ve been unsucessful at every single time.