A good friend of mine told me that “Your twenties are for f*cking up. You don’t act according to your values because you’re still establishing them.” His words ring true. While I think I’ve got a good grip on my moral compass and fundamental set of values, I’m still shaping my character to this day and will probably continue doing so for the rest of my life.

It is human to make mistakes. Some mistakes are witnessed by others and come with more shame, some are in private and come with more guilt. Some hurt others, and some ultimately hurt just you. In a life where trial and error is often how we learn, avoiding making mistakes is not very realistic. However, making different choices the next time around to avoid making the same mistake – is completely in your control.

Where we differ as human beings is the choices we make after we falter. I distinguish the difference in two different camps. There are those who use regret and remorse as a catalyst to grow and change their way of doing life in order to become better people. The consequences of their mistake serve as a reminder to do things differently to avoid repeating the same situation. Often, we need these experiences to teach us the lessons in life that ultimately shape our character.

Then, there are those who feel ashamed by their shame, and after a period of self-loathing and guilt, they resort back to their exact same way of thinking and behaviour. Instead of the mistake becoming a lesson, it becomes just another cyclical loop in habits.

When you make mistakes how do you respond? If your mistake leaves a trail of hurt and destruction in the lives of others, do you make amends and apologize with actions and empathy? Or are the people that reap the consequences of your mistake just a mere casualty of your disregard?

What builds character is not avoiding mistakes – it’s how you choose to think and act afterwards. Use your mistakes as opportunities to grow. And hopefully you can “make better mistakes tomorrow”.

I want to share a a video. It is of a talk a dear friend and former colleague of mine who discusses some of the lessons he learned after making a big mistake in his life. I have respect for how he chose to change his life after – using his experience to help him grow. Thanks for inspiring me Chris.

I’ve dabbled in health and wellness when it’s been convenient. I admit it really hasn’t been until my most recent hardship, a devastating heartbreak, that pushed me to get serious about getting healthier – both physically and spiritually.

I’ve started to realize that a whole lot of us, including myself, spend a heck of a lot of time, energy and money on making sure we appear impeccable on the outside. We decorate ourselves with designer clothes, diligently craft ourselves to appear of a certain stature and status, and do things against our better judgement to fit in with people who don’t even matter in our lives. We create illusions of ourselves to appear more important and special to others, but leave the inside neglected and in some cases, rotting. Of course this isn’t the case for everyone. Nor is there anything wrong with putting effort in to your clothes or appearance. The question is, do you spend enough time beautifying the inside as you do the outside?

I don’t think a lot of us do. And when your inside is filled with insecurity, fear, a feeling of inferiority, anger and other negative stuff – it eventually leaks out and has the potential to really hurt another. Your inner health effects your body, which effects your mind, which effects your actions, which effect the energy you put out, which effect the people around you. When you don’t work on nurturing your body and soul so that you are healthy on the inside, you ultimately end up hurting not just yourself, but the people who love you.

2012 is going to be a big year of change and growth for many of us. At least, I know it will be for me. I am going to explore treating myself better. Not with the typical way I used to do it, by indulging in a lavish pair of shoes or a handbag (don’t get me wrong, I’ll still pick up a pair of Louboutins here or there). But I will make it a point to put thought and focus on beautifying what’s inside, not just my exterior. I will do this by feeding my body food that gives me the nutrients that I need, by being gentle with my heart, acting with kindness and compassion, exercising patience (which is a virtue I do not currently have), taking care of my body, and remembering to breathe. With this mindfulness, I set to attract people in my life who share similar values and most importantly, integrity and character. I think applying discipline to creating new habits that will serve me, will also build my own character. Because at the end, isn’t that really what matters? I think Eleanor Roosevelt was on to something when she said: “Only a man’s character is the real criterion of worth.”

Here’s to a new year of becoming better, healthier individuals internally, so that we can be beautiful… both inside and out.

A partnership is not just about the emotions and feelings of love. A partnership is about commitment, and being responsible to that commitment regardless of what the external variables of the time are. It’s about the commitment to choosing decisions that will serve the relationship even when it would “feel” better to not. Married or not married, when you decide to enter into a partnership with another, commitment means you act with integrity, respect and care –even when your emotions are telling you otherwise.

Because love isn’t enough. Let me clarify, love, in the way most of us define it, isn’t enough. Love isn’t what makes you decide to not act out your desires when someone attractive starts showing you attention (and you haven’t had sex in months). Love is not what makes you apologize and give your partner a hug after an argument (even though inside you know you’re 100% right). Love is not what makes you weather the storm when disaster strikes (which it will). Love is not what makes you decide to treat each other with kindness, respect and empathy during a breakup or divorce (you’d be surprised how quickly love can feel like hate at that time). No, it’s not love. It’s commitment. It’s the responsibility to keeping your commitment. Not just to the other person, but to yourself.

Love, and that giddy feeling in your stomach may be what guides you when you’re feeling great about the apple of your eye. But what steers you when you’re going through an ebb, or a rough patch? Can you depend on love at that point?

Love isn’t rational. It can’t be controlled. If you allow a feeling that is so emotional and malleable dictate your behaviour, you’ll realise quickly that it only pans out when things are up, not when they’re down. Commitment on the other hand, will guide you through both. Commitment is not dependant on the heartstrings, it’s dependant on a conscious choice you make – and that, is something you have complete control over.

Wishing you all a joyful and love-filled day today. Merry Christmas.

Then time goes by, and for whatever reason, the relationship doesn’t last. You break up.

The pain, the hurt, the rejection and the fear – they bring out the worst in you. Soon a side of you reveals itself that you never knew even existed. And in the midst of another screaming match with your ex, you wonder – where in the world did this all go wrong? How did love suddenly turn into…hate?

It is such a shame that couples choose to end a relationship in this way. It doesn’t have to be. It’s a choice. If you are honest with yourself and resist pride and ego take control, you will find compassion, empathy and care. Because love doesn’t disappear just because the titles have. That love may take different forms, and it may hide deep in the trenches of your heart when you’re hurt. But it’s there – even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

You see, when you love someone, despite the arguments or mistakes, it doesn’t make you love that person any less. True, that love may eventually fade through time, but it doesn’t turn off like that of a light switch. If it did, then it probably wasn’t real love to begin with.

So to those dealing with painful “ex” issues, here’s some food for thought. The next time you want to exact revenge on your ex, disregard them, scream at them, or show other signs of disrespect and hatred – try to stop for a moment and dig back in to your memory bank. Instead of viewing them as the “enemy”, remember them as the person they once were to you – someone you loved, adored and shared happiness with.

Understand that they are human too, and just dealing with pain and loss the best way they know how. But while they may don’t choose the higher road, and react with hurtful words and actions, just don’t forget this: you cannot control the behaviour of others, but you can control yours.

So act with integrity and choose to respond, not to react. And if you need a gauge, think about what the “you” five years from now would think about your behaviour, or your children. Are you conducting yourself in a way that the future, rational “you” would be proud of? Would you want your children to emulate your behaviour? If the answer is “no”, then it’s probably a good indicator that you may want to rethink your actions.

And while I understood that only time would heal, priding myself as a “solution-oriented” person, it was frustrating that time was passing by so slowly. I felt guilty for feeling upset when there are such greater problems out there. While I was crying about my broken heart, I knew there were people in the world surviving broken homes and all other sorts of problems. But knowing that there were bigger issues in the world didn’t make my hurt any less painful. I just felt…. well, to be perfectly honest, a bit ashamed.

I felt ashamed that anything could trigger a dry heaving cryfest. I felt ashamed that my conversations with friends and family were constantly dominated by my drama and healing. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t just figure it out, solve it or move forward. I just couldn’t.

And then someone told me that what I really needed to do was to “just get over it”. And that deepened my shame even more. Because there was no magic button to press for me to just “get over it”.

And then I realized, there is nothing wrong with crying, feeling sad, feeling shot down and needing time to carefully recover and get back up. There is nothing weak or wrong about being vulnerable.

We live in a society where we are rewarded for moving forward, and the quicker, the better. We equate strength with those who can champion through any challenge or hardship with efficiency and speed. While this may work in the corporate world, it doesn’t work with matters of the heart. It doesn’t work with mourning loss, or when dealing with deep, powerful emotions.

In my opinion, I think males are especially socialized this way, and it has damaging spiritual and emotional consequences. They are taught to be strong, to numb pain and emotions, move forward and keep a poker face. Instead of mourning, or really healing what’s going on inside, the emotion is suppressed, ignored or tranquilized. Unfortunately, it does eventually come out sooner or later, in some shape or form. And usually when it does, it comes back more powerful and destructive than in the beginning. It is not weak to tend to your healing, in fact, it is quite the opposite. True courage is not blocking out your emotions, it’s having the strength to deal with them, to handle yourself and others with care even when you’re down. Courage is having the strength to be vulnerable.

I’ve decided to embrace this period in my life and honor myself in the process of grieving. I’ve decided to stop feeling ashamed or disappointed in myself for not being able to “get over it” like I would a scratch on my car. This is a matter of the heart – and when you disconnect yourself from that, you really don’t have much at all do you?

So I challenge you – both men and women. The next time life throws you a curveball (or two), and you feel hurt and pain, allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t numb it, don’t take a pill to ease it, and don’t hate yourself for feeling a bit broken. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel, to fall, to take your sweet time to get back up – to be human. And when you are ready, then dust yourself off and get back on your two feet. But only when you are ready.

I fall. I cry. I get back up.

Sometimes, it just takes longer than others. But when I cry, the tears means pain is just leaving my body. I guess I have a lot of pain to get out, but I’ll get there eventually. We always do, don’t we?

The media is beyond powerful. It shapes our perceptions of what is normal, what is acceptable and what should be sought after. What you see and hear influences, whether you are aware of how powerful its impact, or not.

The documentary Miss Representation discusses how females are portrayed in the media, and the negative consequences that this misrepresentation has on our society. Television shows, reality TV, movies, videogames … there is a pervasive message that tells the world that the value in a woman is in her looks, her sexuality, her body and even, her submission to men. One may think that watching a television show like Keeping Up With the Kardashians is harmless, but for many, it’s not – it shapes perception.

In my late teens and early twenties, there were only a few things that my life revolved around: boys, stilettos, clubbing, and Sex and the City.

I grew up on Sex in the City. I admired the women and could identify to some degree with each one of the main characters. I remember watching Samantha, a successful, independent woman, who had no emotional attachement to men, and only used them as playthings. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, what a powerful woman. She wears designer clothes, has a successful business and treats men like toys, therefore never getting hurt.” As a girl who grew up so desperately wanting to feel loved and accepted by a male figure, to me – having the freedom to not feel emotionally attached or disappointed by a man meant strength to me. In a sense Samantha’s “empowerment” became an inspiration for me, and I saw her character as a role model.

This type of role model may work for some, but for a lost, vulnerable and insecure twenty year old… not so much. I spent a good part of my twenties thinking empowerment came from looking perfect, being sexually attractive and always having the best outfit. But after multiple experiences with low self-esteem, attracting the wrong guys and never feeling good or pretty enough, I realized that my perception was all wrong. I’m not blaming Samantha’s character as the cause of this. But if I was able to know what I know now, and tell my younger, confused self a message, I’d tell her this:

Your empowerment and self-worth is not created by fancy clothes, a perfect body or obsessing over physical beauty. It doesn’t come from tearing other females down. It doesn’t come from men. Your empowerment comes from your accomplishments, your contributions, your integrity, your values and how you love and care for others. Because the other stuff doesn’t last. It can feel good for a moment, and sometimes a long moment, but eventually, it all fades. And you’re left with nothing – except with what you created within.

I believe to change the way that the media influences society, is to change the way we see, and therefore absorb the media. We need to have those important discussions – with our children, our family, our peers, our friends – and ask the question “Why” more. We need to learn to make it regular practice to dig deeper into why we believe in the things we do, and not take things for face value, or because “that’s the way it’s always been”.

We need to choose our role models carefully. In fact, we need to seek positive role models, period. When you ask a handful of adolescent girls who they aspire to be like, it’s frightening how many will say “Kim Kardashian” or “Miley Cyrus”. The media will continue to dish out cheap sensationalized gossip on such celebrities. The solution isn’t to ban the media, but to better equip youths (and even adults) with media literacy and a more informed lens on how they view it.

So how do we create change? As one person, what can you do?
I truly do believe in the quote, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.

Don’t underestimate your power to influence. You influence every single day – your family, your friends, your peers, even perfect strangers. Your behavior, the image you put out to the world, and the way you choose to live all contribute to what the “norm” is. Have the courage to question the norms that the media and even all your friends are subscribing to. Ask yourself, is this way of thinking, this behavior, serving me and my real, authentic empowerment? You can choose to accept the status-quo and just get on the bus with it. Or, you can use your values and authenticity to be your compass. That’s a choice. And a pretty powerful choice if you ask me.

The last few months have been one of the most challenging times of my life. I lost my job, my income, and along with that, a part of my identity. Then, the relationship with the man who I thought I was going to marry, ended abruptly. I never had a back-up plan. I just trusted and gave the relationship everything I had. Since I had given up my apartment along with all my furniture to live together with him, I had no “home” left. It was as if one day I was living this stable, secure and planned life and within moments, I was lost, broken, and just trying to make it through another day.

I never, in my life, felt such paralyzing pain. There were some pretty dark times in those first few weeks, and the thoughts going through my head were toxic and downright crazy. It was as if a different person possessed me, and my worst self surfaced. Pain controlled me, along with sorrow, self-pity and a rage that screamed, “Why is this happening to me? Why is life so unfair?”.

But through the process, I realized, as much as I thought I had “lost everything”, I actually had a whole lot. I had my health, my friends and my family. And that alone, makes one extremely wealthy. My friends lent me their apartments, and with a suitcase of basics, I moved 7 times within a span of two months. My sister from New York called me every single day for two months straight, usually at least twice, to check up on me. My other sister spent nights with me, and handled me with care and a kind of nurture that only an older sister knows. Every conversation revolved around my pain and drama, and not once did they ever seem to get sick of hearing me cry, question or ramble.

My parents walked on eggshells around me, afraid to say the wrong thing. So they just showed me their care in the way they knew how but without prying or asking questions. And if you know typical Asian parents – this is an extremely hard thing to do.

And my friends – oh my dear, dear friends. They listened, comforted me, and even interrupted their own busy lives to spend time with me. A few of them literally picked me up off the floor when I would go spiralling into a dry-heaving cry fest. I’ll never forget, during the first few days, my friends took shifts visiting me – making sure that in my most fragile stage I was not alone. They brought me food and made sure I ate since I was so depressed I had no appetite. They did nothing but love me. Not once did any of my friends or family make me feel like I was an inconvenience or a burden.

And people who I don’t speak to regularly, some just acquaintances from my past – reached out to me, and wrote me messages with such kindness and compassion. Even some old friends who’ve I had past differences with, made the effort to send me a few nice words or a song, to show that they cared.

Strangers who read my articles took the time to send me thoughtful, supportive emails. People from different parts of the word, of different ages and experiences, connected with me and shared their stories. Perfect strangers – reached out with kindness, with no agenda or motive, but from one human to another, wanted to share their care.

Pretty damn amazing. And I feel so fortunate to have such a community of love and support.

So I wanted to write this note to you. All of you. Thank you for being kind, because if it wasn’t for your kindness, love and care, I don’t think I would have been able to pick myself back up. To those who sent me messages of support, or even quietly sent me some positive energy from afar – thank you. You don’t know what a difference it has made in my life.

And if there is anyone else out there, who may be going through something similar, I’ll leave you with this. If you act with love, and use that as your compass, regardless of the challenge you may be facing, however dark, deep and painful it may be – eventually, love will circle back. It may have a funny way of navigating back to you, and sometimes it can take its sweet ol’ time, but it eventually does. And it only gets better from there. I promise.

With love and appreciation,

Amy

I am honoured to be a part of the panel session that will take place after the first screening. Please join myself and notable individuals from Vancouver’s media community as we discuss our thoughts around some of the issues raised in the documentary. Below is a snaphot of the panelists:

Amy Chan (Columnist for Sun Media’s 24 Hours Newspaper and The Huffington Post)
Amy is a popular lifestyle and relationship columnist for the Sun Media’s 24 Hours Newspaper and The Huffington Post. A Simon Fraser University graduate in Communications and Sociology, Amy doesn’t claim to be a relationship expert. She is however, someone who empathizes and understands human behavior and how it’s affected by popular culture. She is gifted in articulating the experiences and struggles of life in a relatable and inspiring way for her readers. She was recently featured as a “Stylish Jetsetter” in FASHION magazine and appeared in a three-page spread in Ming Pao Magazine as a “Successful Chinese Canadian Young Female”.

Pamela Martin (Director of Community Outreach for the Office of the Premier Christy Clark)
Recognized across BC as the anchor of CTV News, Pamela Martin is well-versed in the issues that affect and impact the people and communities across the province. During Martin’s tenure on the anchor desk, CTV News at Six has been repeatedly named the best local newscast in Canada by the Radio and Television News Directors Association of Canada. On January 5, 2011, Martin announced that she had joined politician Christy Clark’s campaign team for the BC Liberal Party Leadership race.

Kirk LaPointe (Ombudsman at CBC, UBC School of Journalism)
Kirk has been one of Canada’s leading newsroom managers for a quarter- century and has held the senior editorial roles at CTV News, the Southam News agency and The Hamilton Spectator. He was the founding Executive Editor of National Post and has been the Ottawa Bureau Chief and General News Editor of The Canadian Press, an advisor to the publisher of the Toronto Star, and a day-one host on CBC Newsworld, among other roles.

Carolyn Jack (National Vice-Chair of Equal Voice)
Carolyn Jack is the National Vice-Chair of Equal Voice, a multipartisan organization dedicated to the still bold idea that more women must be elected to every level of government. For nearly twenty years, she was a journalist working in national and international news. As a journalist, Carolyn played a leadership role at CBC National News and Global National in the coverage of what feels like a zillion federal elections… but is probably only about 6 or so… and has been published in the Globe and Mail, National Post, Canadian Forum and other publications. She now leads communications for a public institution in Vancouver.

Janet Austin (CEO of YWCA Metro Vancouver)
As the CEO of YWCA Metro Vancouver, Janet Austin has overall responsibility for one of BC’s largest and most diversified non-profit organizations, which offers services for 60,000 people annually in more than 30 locations. Janet is a recipient of the Business in Vancouver Influential Woman in Business Award, the Vancouver Board of Trade Community Leadership Award, the Queen’s Jubilee Medal and the Big Sisters Big Heart Award for outstanding contribution by a volunteer. In 2008, she was named to the WXN (Women’s Executive Network) list of Canada’s 100 Most Powerful Women.

For more information on the event, click here.

Fast forward a decade. You have changed your home, your values, your career, your life. But while every aspect of your life was reassessed and updated, your friendships weren’t. Your friends consist of those whom you’ve shared a history with. But are grade school memories and Kodak moments enough?

There is a beauty of having old friends that I will not deny, but history alone is not enough to bring an old friendship into the present , and subsequently, the future. The people you surround yourself with, you become. We are all energy. If you subject yourself to peers who are negative, insecure or destructive, it will affect you. Regardless of your strength as an individual, you are not immune to a constant surrounding of negative energy or bad influence.

Your friendships, just like everything in your life, need updating. They need to be reassessed from time to time to determine if they are still working in your life. Your friends should bring out the best in you. If you are surrounded by people who bring out the worst  in you, then that is a serious red flag that the friendship doesn’t fit in your life. True friends are the ones that have the courage to tell you when you’re losing your way. They care enough to have those difficult conversations that most people will avoid.

If you want to have greatness in your life, surround yourself with great people. If you strive to be a happy, fulfilled, honest, confident, empowered and principled person, surround yourself with people who are the same. Is this selfish and heartless? No, it’s not. Because if you are influenced negatively by someone, it will affect how you are with the people who love you. Once you allow a negative force to permeate your life, you hurt yourself, which ultimately affects everyone that surrounds you. In no way am I saying to ditch the people you love. You can love these people all you want. But, selecting them to be in your immediate peer group is another story.

Choose your company wisely. Be relentless with surrounding yourself with those who bring out the best in you. Your direction in life depends on it. And while you’re at it, have the courage to be a good friend to those who choose you.

I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to do the right thing – for yourself and for the other person. Our emotions, feelings and chemical reactions can rule us –and it is the easier route to fall into what just “feels good” at the time instead of doing what is ultimately healthy and positive in the long run.

A breakup is very similar to the different stages of mourning the loss of someone. You will go through the rollercoaster of emotions. First, expect a lot of sadness, loneliness and a whole lot of missing. You will doubt your decision and make justifications. The next stage is denial. At this point, you will probably attempt to establish relations again. This part is very tricky. Most attempt this because the attachment is still so powerful – but be aware that it does prolong the healing and “getting over” process. Anger will definitely be another stage – where you resent, recount only the bad memories, the fights, and feel victimized. There will be a lot of blame here, and a feeling that life is unfair. Then it circles back again to sadness, where you think you’ll never open your heart again. You will tread like a fragile bird, afraid of anything that can potentially hurt you again.

Self-proclamations usually surface at this point: “I’ll never love/trust/open-up again!” But these beliefs will only jade you. And if you hold on to the cynicism too long, you may lose out on the next door that was meant to open.

It’s been over half a year since my heartbreak, and to be honest, while my everyday is filled with great friends, tons of joy and lots and lots of laughter, there are moments, especially at night, when I’m alone, that I have my moments of overwhelming emotion. I still struggle with the fact that someone who I loved so dearly left me and so easily started a new life with someone else.  So when you see how I build up impossible walls, and fight so hard to protect my ego and heart – this is where it comes from. A place of fear – where all of my insecurities – abandonment and not being good enough  - looms over me as a risk if I open my heart again.

It has taken the support and wisdom of good friends and family, beautiful songs, witnessing others in positive relationships – to take me out of my jaded, black cloud and believe in love again. I’ve realized that all I can do is be a source of love myself – embrace the love around me, cherish it and share it with others. That, is my source of joy.

I’ll end off with a quote that always reminds me of you – a constantly changing, ever- evolving soul:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”.

Love,

Me.

You allow people to treat you the way they do. Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. I know many women, who have settled for less, and simply “accepted” cards dealt because deep inside, they don’t believe they deserve more. I’m sure you know of someone, who seems to have it all together in their life, but when it come to relationships, they just can’t seem to shake the habit of dating douchebags and douchettes.

In my life, I’ve created my destiny within my career, friendships and community. With friends, I’ve really embraced the fact that friends are all unique pieces of a pie. Some will be lifetime friends that are next to family, some are social friends, some acquaintances. I’ve learned to appreciate the various types and unique forms of value each friend brings, and as well as a system of how much and what kind of energy I invest to whom. I am blessed with the best friends ever, but that inner circle is sacred and thoughtfully selective.

However, in my relationships with men, I’ve witnessed myself apply a different system – if you can even call it a system at that. I’ve tolerated men who don’t appreciate me, who don’t value my heart, who take and take, who don’t call back, who have disrespected me – I’ve allowed men to not treat me what I’m worth. This is all a matter of self-esteem and my sense of self worth in the realm of being a woman in a romantic relationship. I’ve made excuses, justified, and eagerly re-entered the game of push and pull with men who clearly don’t really value me much at all. And you know what, it sucks and feels pretty crappy at the end – chipping away the low self-esteem that got me there in the first place even more.

It took me 28 years of being hungry for love, even desperate for it at times, heart aches, heart tramples, picking up that phone when every cell in your body knows it’s the unhealthy thing to do, obsessing, infactuating, idealizing – you name it, for me to finally wake up, and realize, that my most important relationship, is the one with myself.

I’ve learned to embrace self love. And while I’ll always be a perpetual student in this journey, I’ve made the decision to apply my successful method in dealing with friendships and business to how I do my relationships. I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am and have learned that I am “perfect” the way I am, right now, right here. I will constantly be growing, evolving and working on bad habits, but those flaws, those imperfections are part of the beauty that makes me, me. I can now easily recognize men who are drawn to me only for the best of me, and as Marilyn Munroe best put it, “…If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

If I could talk to my younger self – that girl desperate for love and therefore often blinded by ideas, fabrications and untruths in order to try and capture it, I’d tell her:

“Amy, love will come to you, when you learn to love yourself, first and foremost”.

I can’t go back in time to correct my mistakes, but I can today share what I’ve learned with younger women, some who may have a misconstrued idea that giving their body away carelessly can equal love. In the words of my wise friend SK – “Be the gatekeeper”. Your heart is a precious gift. Your body is a temple. Be selective. Respect it and be respected. Love yourself and be loved. It you don’t respect and love yourself first, building a healthy relationship with another is like building a house with no foundation – eventually the cracks and lack of a strong base will cause it to crumble.

Know your value and don’t accept being treated in a way less than you deserve. Now, I don’t mean to start going out there with unrealistic expectations, demands and a sense of entitlement. I am saying that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and vice versa. The minute you negotiate your self worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don’t deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins. Change for yourself and of course, friends and partners are great mirror reflections that help you grow. But don’t change out of the wrong reasons to appease someone or in hopes that they will like you more – if they judge you for who you are now – they aren’t your fit. I’ll end off with a quote that is an inspiring reminder:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” – Sex in the City

It’s a scary feeling facing these losses when you’ve invested your energy and heart in creating these parts of your life with another person. Sometimes as a result of integrating two lives in a relationship, you lose some of your own individuality. So when the two of you detach from each other, it feels like parts of your being have been ripped apart. It feels like a large part of you is missing and suddenly, it’s as if you are no longer whole.

These moments feel terribly painful. But, remember, there was once a “you” before you, became a “we”. You’ll recall that there was a time where you were fully whole – without anyone completing you. There was once a time that you created community, family, stability, and security – all on your own. That you is still there. It may have leaned on the energy of another for a while, but that strength and independence is still within you. It always has been.

I’m learning to regain my sense of self, my identity, as a single. An exercise that has helped me, is listing everything I felt I “lost” after the breakup. Then, for each loss, I’ve determined different ways to regain that part back again, through my own means. For example, loss of community was a major casualty of my breakup. Thus, some action items for me to regain that community include increasing the amount of time spent with good friends, volunteering and spending more time with family. The missing still remains a backdrop, as it will for a while. But slowly I’ll regain these areas back again. And in the process I’m  realizing the control I have over the creation of my life moving forward.

It’s been tough – since I’ve realized how much of my life and energy I poured into the notion of “us”. But my hope is that as I slowly rebuild, I will build my strength and find myself again. And then, someday, one day, I will meet another love again. And when I do, that person will not complete me. He will not make me. But he will add to the strong foundation I have already built. He will add to my life, not become it.

The road of healing is painful and sometimes I find myself in a very dark place. But I’m discovering that as shaken as I may be, my strength, my resilience, my self-worth and love are all within me. I may have lost my way for a while. But I’m finding my way home again. Slowly, but surely.

We say sorry when we accidentally bump a stranger in a coffee shop.  We say sorry when we’re late. And when we make a royal mistake and end up hurting someone because of our actions, we use that same sorry. But the situations are completely different – yet we conclude with the exact same apology.

When you have wronged another and have caused insult, injury or hurt, sometimes sorry just isn’t enough. If you say “sorry” ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make a wrong, right. Perhaps that action is to change a behavior to avoid the same mistake from occurring again in the future. Perhaps it’s doing something nice to make up for the wrong. Perhaps it’s a heartfelt card or phone call that expresses your sincere care and compassion. Whatever it is, saying sorry and asking for forgiveness is only one step of a true apology.

Being accountable, making change, making an effort to do whatever in your power to make it up to the person – that is the action that backs up the words of “sorry”. It’s in the action where a true apology lies – not the simple uttering of the words.

Struggling to make an apology? Psychology Today blogger Sam Margulies sheds light on the necessary elements of an apology:

1. Acknowledge the Wrongful Act

2. Acknowledge that You Have Hurt his/her Feelings

3. Express Your Remorse

4. State Your Intention Not to Repeat

5. Offer to Make Amends – The particular act of contrition may be negotiated but the important thing is to express your willingness to do something by way of compensation.

6. Seek Forgiveness

It’s easy to say sorry. But actually having follow-through on your apology and the action to back it up is the part that takes effort and real sincerity. You show your character not by the words that come out of your mouth, but with the action of your feet.

So please, don’t tell me you’re sorry. Show me.

During a time when your heart has been hurt, the pain can grow very dark. Often, your deepest insecurities and fears from every bad experience of your past decides to reappear in your life. Suddenly, you find yourself acting or thinking crazy thoughts. You are not yourself and at times you feel out of control. Emotions take over. You helplessly watch yourself transform into a person you never thought you’d be. But, hurt people hurt people. And when we are in pain, a common reaction is to inflict pain on others – especially the one you thought you’d live happily ever after with. This only deepens your own pain and adds to a vicious energy cycle. Nobody wins. Everyone hurts.

In moments of clarity, I realize that I may not be able to control the sadness, the missing, or the wave of tears flooding down my face. But I can control my behaviour. I can control my integrity. I have that power. I can choose to continue the pain cycle, or I can act according to my values. I can choose fear or I can choose love.

You’d think one would get better at breakups after going through a few. In all honesty, it doesn’t get easier. But you do get wiser. And you do get stronger. And when the darkness and pain subsides, you do realize that the person was brought in to your life to teach you a lesson. Then it’s your choice to grow from that or repeat the same relationship and issues with another person – continuing your karma.

And isn’t that just the lesson of life? The universe throws curveballs at you – when you least expect it. And you make a choice. On the surface, you may feel like you lack control or that you are powerless, but really, the picture is yours to paint. You have the power to choose each time – to get up, to grow, to be better, or to accumulate hate, anger and darkness.

So my biggest lesson of heartbreak: choose integrity.

Cry until you have no tears left inside you. Talk to people you feel safe with. Try to remember the good, even when the bad keeps trying to take center stage. Have faith that when one door closes it’s because another is meant to open. Let the emotions pour out of you – feel them, embrace them, set them free. But no matter what you do, don’t forget your integrity. Because even in the darkest moments, integrity is the one thing that is yours – that you own. And no one, can take that away from you.

Love is nourishing your body and making your health a priority. Because when you’re sick, it’s the people around you that suffer the most. Because you want to be able to grow old and maximize your time on earth being a partner, a parent and a friend.

Love is feeding your soul and emotional well being on a consistent basis. When you don’t express your emotions, allow yourself to feel, or neglect finding solace in activities that calm you, you build toxins. These toxins can turn in to poison inside your body, which eventually lead to demons. These demons are what will overpower you in times of weakness. Love is being proactive to not get to that tipping point, so you don’t have to put yourself and the people you love through the consequences.

Love is making decisions for the good of your relationship. It is being relentless in removing the people who affect you negatively and bring out the worst in you. It is choosing to surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you, so that you can be a better person. When you let dark energy from bad company keep you, it will also harm your partner.

Love is appreciating and being thankful everyday for the person you have, and treating them with consideration, care and thoughtfulness. You do not have to wait until you lose them to know this. Practicing giving and appreciation is what you do on a daily basis, not when it’s gotten to the point of a problem.

Love is making decisions for “we”. It’s having the forethought and consideration to know that anything that is going on with you, any problem, any success – is also happening to your partner.

Love is creating contexts and situations that never jeopardize your unity or values.

Love is understanding that we are human, and with that, comes insecurities, weaknesses, and irresistible temptations. Instead of denying them, you are strategic and mindful to not put yourself in situations where those weaknesses can control you or overpower you.

Love is being the best person you can be, every day. It is waking up and making the choice to act and live with love, honesty, loyalty, selflessness and commitment.

Love is being realistic about relationships. Knowing that there are ebbs and flows, and some ebbs may feel like the end of the world.  But because you honor the love and bond, you do what it takes to work through the rough spots. And if even at the end it means you can’t be together, at least you tried to the best of your ability.

Love is working hard and putting that extra amount of effort, even when you’re feeling lazy or tired.  It is about being proactive versus reactive.

Love is to choose acting with love over fear, even when you are in pain, even when you hurt. It is acting with dignity and grace regardless of how angry or upset you may be.

Love is being the greatest partner, friend, lover, teacher, student, companion, parent, person – you could possibly be. Because when you are at your greatest, you bring out the greatness in others as well.

Love is forgiving.

Love is wanting the best for your partner, even if that sometimes means to let them go.

It is natural for one to feel this way during a time of distress and pain. However, this way of thinking doesn’t serve you, or your healing process. As much as you may not be able to see it in the moment, there is a reason and a lesson every relationship brings. Sometimes, the relationship reveals your patterns and habits and gives you an opportunity to grow. Sometimes, things end because the fit or timing just wasn’t right. That’s nobody’s fault, it just is. As painful as it may be, try to understand that your partner was trying the best he/she could, just like you were.

After a breakup, it can feel like you’ve taken a few steps backwards. But in the grand scheme of things, this is your opportunity to grow and move forward. You can either choose to become a healthier individual so that you can attract an even healthier partner, or, you can choose the road of cynicism and resentment.

An exercise that can help you get out of the blame, hate and anger mode, is to take a moment and reflect on the good. Write down a list of all the happy memories you’ve shared with your partner. Write down in detail, the moments where he/she did something that made you feel loved, safe, supported and cared for. You may be surprised with how many positive moments you can recall.

And, when your mind wanders and starts to feel angry and hateful thoughts, go back into your happy memory bank, and remember the positive moments. It will instantly kill the negative thought. You may find that you feel lighter afterward.

Being resentful, sad and angry is a natural part of the grieving process. However, left feeling like that too long, and you can harm your road to healing and recovery. It’s easier said than done, but if you try to act with love instead of fear, you always end up winning.