Then, suddenly everything I thought I was so certain of fell apart. My boyfriend and I broke up abruptly. At the time I was not working. I had no income, no home, and was emotionally damaged. For the second time in my life, since being severely bullied as a child, I felt like I had lost all control of my life.  I said to myself the same words I proclaimed at age nine: “I will never let this happen to me again.”

My outlook on relationships and work has changed drastically since last year. Why? Life happened, knocked me off my feet for a while, and in the process of getting back up, it changed the way I saw things.

Today my goal is to become a CEO in five years – a completely different vision from the life I planned out just a year ago.  While some may applaud (or sneer) at my tenacious ambition, I don’t discount that the drive comes from a dark place. I am quite aware that the same pain that fueled me to be an overachiever at the age nine is the same pain that powers me today. My vision is to work as hard as I can to continue building my career, continue establishing myself as a writer, and make my own money so I can afford the lifestyle I want – and do it by myself.

Who knows, maybe life will throw another curveball at me and my vision will change all over again. But if there is one thing I have learned, it is that just when you think you’ve got it all down pat, everything can change in an instant. And everything you think you know for sure, isn’t so sure after all. All you can really do is dust yourself off when you fall, and navigate your way the best you can until you’re back to good again. Those ups and downs that throw you off track  make life beautiful and worthwhile at the end. And it’s those same ups and downs that  inevitably what enable you to create yourself.

Let’s take this a few steps back to some of my own experiences. Back in the day, I used to work in the event and party promotion business. In my years of working at nightclubs, hosting VIP guests, and mingling with various types of partying Vancouverites, I witnessed a lot of different types of  men.  I’ve seen well-known, established businessmen act like A.D.D. ridden assholes after snorting lines of coke, I’ve seen married men disrespect any sort of monogamous vows after a few drinks, and I’ve  heard millionaires (who were married with children), proposition women with a high-rolling lifestyle if they take up being their side-fling. Out of the different types of men I’ve seen, I have to say, the ones I saw behaving the worst (in Vancouver) were the men who were of the higher income bracket. There is no statistical data to back this up, my observation comes  purely from looking at the kinds of men who behave the worst publically (cheat, abuse substances, objectify and disrespect women, etc). My observations lead me to question, is a man’s income tied to such behaviour?  Do certain income brackets and industries breed certain socially acceptable behaviours and character in men?

Let’s look at the relationship between adultery and income. A recent study conducted by MSNBC showed that among men making more than $300,000 a year, 32% reported cheating, compared to 21% of men making less than $35,000 a year. Similarly, in a blog post on Yahoo Health, Editor-in-Chief David Zinczenko references a study that revealed that men who earned more money had a higher likelihood of cheating than those who earned less. Don’t get me wrong, women cheat as well, however the relationship appears to be reversed. Studies that show that poorer women are more likely to cheat than wealthier women. One professor postulates that women cheat as a way to shop for a better long-term partner or better genes for their children. Men, on the other hand, when selecting their prey, typically choose women of lower status and achievement who will idolize them.

With money, comes power. Toronto-based clinical psychologist, Dr. Oren Amitay, says men (and women) with power tend to have an “overinflated sense of confidence that allows them to think they’ll get away with bad behaviour.”  Amitay also suggests that a sense of entitlement plays a part in why rich and high profile  men like Tiger Woods and Arnold Schwarzenegger risk hurting their families and reputations for their sexual pursuits.  ”They’ve lived their lives being told by everyone around them they’re special, they’re entitled. ‘You deserve whatever you want; you’re that great.’ And if you’re being told that, why wouldn’t you believe it?

Perhaps rich men are just presented with more opportunities to cheat. Seems like Chris Rock was on to something when he joked, “Men are only as faithful as their options.” And the reality is, those options are plentiful. There is always a steady stream of willing females lined up to be a side-fling, reinforcing that such adultery is acceptable and even rewarded. I’m glad that SA didn’t end up continuing the night with those men, and I give kudos to the classy women out there who don’t participate in perpetuating that cycle.

Now, I have nothing wrong with women showing their sexy, glamourous inner vixen. However, when that is all you show, you tell the world one thing: “Look at me! I’m a sex object and get validation when men comment on how hot and sexy I am.”

To my fellow women of Vancouver – we are more than sexual creatures, let’s start showcasing the other aspects of who we really are. Being sexy is only one part of us, but is often the only part that we are seen for because of how we are portrayed in the media and how we participate in our own objectification. There are a plethora of smart, values-based, ambitious, loving, giving, family-oriented, independent women of Vancouver. I’d like to see that side of women portrayed, and not just how good they look in a g-string.

I’m going to take a moment to highlight some amazing, smart, beautiful, confident and SEXY women of Vancouver:

Devon Brooks – At 21, Devon co-founded Blo Blow Dry Bar, growing the business across Canada. She has overcome violence and assault and today is a sought-after public speaker who helps younger women deal with trauma. She’s recently been featured in Profit Magazine as a top Canadian Entrepreneur. She mentors other aspiring entrepreneurs, she loves nature, she serves on various boards, and is active in the community. She embraces her vulnerability and chooses to live life with integrity, authenticity and honesty. Now, that’s sexy.

Jennifer Maloney – The founder of SIP Publicity, a values-based public relations firm that represents sustainable and responsible companies who are making a positive difference in this world. She has won numerous international awards for her work as a journalist, she loves her dog Donny, is an avid Yogi and never speaks badly about anyone. She’s one beauty – both inside and out.

Sunny Shum – She is one of Vancouver’s darling fashionistas who is a senior buyer at the Sterling Shoe Group. She also is an avid blogger for PartlySunny.ca, adores her dog Rocco and is an amazing chef.  While she always knows what the latest trend of the season is, she always keeps it classy.

These women are the epitome of what sexy is: confident, authentic, strong, smart, empowered, and beautiful both inside and out. How hot do they look in Agent Provocateur? Well that’s something they keep private to an audience limited to their boyfriends.

7 Reasons Why You May Be Repelling (Quality) Women

1. You are cheap. If you ask a woman out, pay for dinner. No, not just yours, the entire dinner. Is this unjust? Is this a contradiction to feminism? Mmm. No, I don’t think so. It’s about being a proper gentleman and treating a lady just like you would do for your mother. This does not mean you have to pay every single time. But on the first date, if you want there to be a second one, then yes, yes you do.

2. You are passive. This is a common message I get, “We should do coffee sometime.” What this says is, “I don’t have the balls to ask you out directly because I’m scared of rejection, so I’ll dangle and see if you’ll bite.” I do not know if it’s because men have too many options in Vancouver so they don’t have to make an effort to take a risk, or if a large majority of single men are just passive wusses. Whatever the reason, passive doesn’t usually get too far. Instead of, “We should..” try, “Hey, would you like to go for coffee on Thursday after work?”. Remember though,  passive is one thing. Being overly aggressive creepy is another. Both are bad.

3. You are a player. Vancouver is a small city. If you have slept with half the city and hit on an entire circle of friends, chances are, before she gets to see your shining personality, she will think you’re a dog. Your reputation matters. If you create a reputation for being a low-standard, will-get-in-bed-with-anyone-type-of-guy, expect that good, quality women will run away from you like you’re the antichrist. You want a good woman? Start cleaning up your act.

4. You try too hard. Just be you. It sounds so simple, but it’s true. Anyone with half a brain can sense when someone is trying too hard to impress with things that don’t matter. A good woman doesn’t care about your car, your watch or how you are friends with someone famous. Stop acting and start being you (unless you’re naturally an asshole, then read point #5). The amateur tactics may work to get a girl into bed, but if you are looking for a quality partner, faking it is just not sustainable.

5. You’re an asshole. Treat a woman like how you’d like a man to treat your younger sister. Respect her. Call her back. Show up when you say you will. Be considerate. Don’t be bbming the whole time throughout dinner. Even if you don’t like the woman, have enough respect for another human being to be honest and not string her along.

6. You’re a cheater. Studies show that people who cheat and enter another relationship generally tend to repeat the pattern of cheating. No woman wants to be cheated on and any good woman I know has values that won’t sign up for the drama of being with a taken man. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, have the human decency to end yours before fishing for another. Are there women out there who love the challenge of a taken man? Of course there are. But those are not the ones you want, are they?

7. You look like this:

You are not in a gang, so refrain from making facial expressions and hand gestures like the classy gent above. Enough said.

Just because you love someone that does not necessarily mean that he/she is the right fit for you. In my early twenties, I met a man who lived in another city. I admired him and dreamed of how a long-distance relationship would work. That fantasy would never play out in reality. We were in different timezones, were in completely different stages of our lives, and had different priorities. While I loved him, and to this day have a special place for him in my heart, I know we would never work in a relationship together. We weren’t the right fit.  I have realized that you can love someone, but that does not necessarily mean you are the right fit together.

Love takes many different shapes and forms. Sometimes it feels more passionate than other times, sometimes it feels intense and strong, and sometimes it feels safe and steady. But regardless of the form, the root of love is a constant – it is always there, just dressed up differently. I once dated a guy who one day came home and told me the words that no woman ever wants to hear, “I am not in love with you anymore. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Ouch. After that breakup, I reevaluated my definition of love. I realised that a committed relationship is not just about a feeling of being “in love”. It is not about lust, or chasing the high of unsustainable chemical reactions and hormones (also commonly referred to as “butterflies”). Love is about commitment, respect and dedication. Love is about honouring that commitment both to your partner and to yourself. Love is a verb, not a destination or a pit stop.

If someone hurts you, it does not automatically mean he/she does not love you. I fell in love with a man who I know loved and adored me with everything he had. Little did I know that the same man who loved me so dearly, would be the same man that would hurt me beyond belief. In the process of picking myself back up from the breakup trauma, I questioned the meaning of love. Because in my world, you don’t hurt the people you love. But I realized that even if you love someone, you can still be at battle with your own issues and demons. As a result, you can make decisions that have unintended, hurtful consequences on the person closest to you. That doesn’t mean the person loved you any more or less. I have realized that the man who hurt me did not do so because he did not love me, he just had his own stuff going on that caused him to make poor decisions. And unfortunately my heart was a major casualty of those decisions.

So what does love mean to me today? The different people that have come in and out of my life have been my teachers in the subject of love. Each person who had a piece of my heart taught me a valuable lesson and provided an opportunity for me to craft what love looks like in my world today.  I will probably be an eternal student in the subject, but this is what love means to me:

Love is commitment. Love is a verb, not a noun. True, authentic love can only be shared when the two people in the relationship encompass self-love first. Love is not fleeting; it does not come and go with the feelings and emotions of the day. Love is not dictated by lust, rather, lust is just one of its many forms. And while love may not look like how it was portrayed in fairytales, it is magical. Because for love you will make sacrifices, you will be selfless and you will say sorry even when you know you are right. And when you hit a roadblock where the odds seem stacked against the survival of your relationship, you will fight for it with everything you’ve got. Because love is worth it. Because the person you have chosen to commit to is worth it.

Sometimes you will do things for love without rhyme or reason. And sometimes love is the only reason you need.

I was born a dreamer. Experience taught me to become a realist. But every so often, when I hear a beautiful song, that starry-eyed dreamer in me reappears. She peaks into the world, and sees love, purity and goodness everywhere. She feels safe. She feels beautiful and perfect, just the way she is. She trusts. She knows she is worthy. She knows she is worth it. She believes in unconditional love. She believes that the one who holds the key to her heart will always keep it safe and sacred. She knows that she never has to worry about his loyalty, love or care, because it is a constant that never has to be questioned. She believes that love is enough. She walks unafraid.

But eventually, the song comes to an end. And that little girl and her magical world goes back into hiding.

I hope one day, she comes back to stay…

If a guy likes you:

1. He will call you. No, your phone isn’t broken. No, his text message/email didn’t get lost in cyberspace. He simply hasn’t tried to contact you. And if for some reason the cyber boogyman intercepted his message from hitting your inbox, he will eventually try to contact you a second time. Men who like you will initiate communication with you.

 

2. He will try to see you. If a guy is into you, he will make the effort to see you again. It doesn’t matter how busy he is, if he feels that getting to know you is a priority, he will make time in his schedule to meet you.

 

3. He will touch you. Observe his body language as it speaks volumes. When a guy is interested, he will make subtle body contact. For example, he may lightly touch your arm or gently place his hand behind your back or waist. High fives and elbow nudges don’t count.

 

4. He will make future plans with you. When a man is interested in you, he will want to secure seeing you again and will likely do so before the first date is over. He will find a common interest and suggest “We should do that…” Even if he doesn’t solidify plans right then and there, he will  allude to future plans with you in it.

 

5. He will text you out of the blue. Perhaps he saw something that reminded him of you. Perhaps he’s trying to start a conversation. Regardless, random, spontaneous texts show that for whatever reason it may be, he is thinking of you.

 

6. He will ask you out. No explanation required. Men who like you will ask you out. True, you may need to give him some indicators that you are not going to flat out reject him (because most men are secretly quite afraid of rejection from a woman). So throw a dog a bone, and sit back. If he’s into you, he’ll initiate making plans with you.

 

“Give up your need to always be right.” I find this especially important to keep in mind in romantic relationships. Sometimes we get so caught up with proving who is right and wrong, that we forget that when it comes to complex feelings and emotions, sometimes who is right really doesn’t matter.

“Give up on blame.” Blame is a scapegoat for taking responsibility of your own outcome. It is a lot easier to point the finger at someone or something else instead of looking within. Blame is not constructive. It does not help you or the other person – nobody wins in the blame game. The amount of energy and stress it takes to blame just takes away from you moving forward and finding a solution.

“Give up complaining.” I am guilty of complaining, but when I get stuck in that negative narrative, I try to think of Seth Godin’s quote, “Complaining is not a winning strategy.” Sure a good bitch fest can help with venting and getting things off your chest. But nobody on the receiving end wants to hear a constant stream of complaints, and the dialogue only harms yourself.

“Give up your need to impress others.” I spent my entire teens and early twenties doing whatever I could to be liked. I wanted to fit in and be accepted. This is an extremely exhausting endeavor. Especially now, with the proliferation of social media, managing what others think of you both online and offline is just plain tedious. When you accept that you are perfect the way you are, and you embrace your quirks, flaws, strengths and vulnerability, you get a lot more comfortable in your own skin. And when you’re confident, you stop caring so much about what everyone thinks of you. You stop worrying if someone will like you or not, because deep down, you know that the people who falsely judge you don’t matter in your life.

A few points I would like to add to the list are:

Give up being a victim. The perspective that you are just the result of all external variables deflects responsibility for taking control over your own life. It is unfortunate that sometimes bad things happen to the best of people. Life can be unfair, unkind and unjust. However, being stuck in a victim mentality does not nurture your ability to move forward and onward.

Give up feeling entitled. Nobody owes you anything. Nobody. When you approach life with the perspective that you are owed things, it’s likely that you will find yourself disappointed time and time again. When you are grateful for what you have, and see positive things as bonuses versus owed expectations, you will be surprisingly pleased.

Give up pretending. In a society where we are rewarded for perfection, we are constantly role playing. We try to show the world that we are flawless human beings in hopes that we will be liked and accepted. But the beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our love, our deep, complex emotions…our humanness. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic instead of perfect, we open ourselves up to have true connection with others. There is no need to put on a show. There is no need to pretend to be something or someone that you are not. You are perfect the way you are.

What limiting beliefs do you think you need to give up to be happy? Add yours in the comments.

In a world of Facebook, where we  see a constant stream of our  ”friends”  lives – from their latest vacations, Ferrarris, bottle service in Vegas, to ultrasounds – we see the image people carefully craft. Because it’s online, the ability to pick and choose this image is easy.

Every status update, photo, boast and tweet – is chosen to present to the world the type of person we want everyone to think that we are. There is nothing wrong with this. However, it’s common for people to pose to be something that they really aren’t. I don’t know if social media is to blame for the lack of authenticity that is running rampant online. Regardless, I want to call it out. To the people busy posing out there, here’s my note to you:

Please. Be you. Nobody who really matters cares about the image of the perfect, rich, successful, party perusing, popular, celebrity acquainted person you are trying to craft. People who matter – they care about your kindness, your compassion, your consistency, your love, your attitude and your values. People who matter see through the other stuff and know it is just a mask to hide your insecurity. Fancy “things” do not add to you as a person. They are fine to enjoy, but just know that they don’t make you any better, more loveable, and definitely not any cooler. Are there people who gravitate to that stuff? Of course. But is that the audience and company you really care to keep? I’ll repeat a quote my sister once told me, “Only impressionable people are impressed.” It’s as if there is a big circle of impressionable people constantly seeking validation trying to impress everyone else.

I have a lot of respect for people who have the courage to be raw, authentic, honest and… imperfect. Because as human beings – we naturally come with vulnerability, flaws, fears and complex emotions. That is what makes us beautiful. That is what enables us to connect and bond. When we try to mask our basic humaness and cover it up with superficial visages, we lie. We put forth a self that we think everyone wants us to be, when really, people just want you to be at ease with who you already are. Can we all stop posing now so we can really connect?  In the words of the famous doctor himself…

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

Ouch.

The most disturbing fact of all is that the conversation about Ashley’s face was initially promulgated largely by women.

Ashley responds with a thought-provoking article to discuss the seriousness of what seems like harmless commentary, but really is the fundamental root of sexism.

“The conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted.”

I applaud Ashley Judd for having the courage to raise the dialogue about the dangerously harmful effects that such sexist, disempowering and misogynist conversations have on society. The sad thing is, we are all a part of this patriarchal mentality.

Every time we tear another woman down because of her looks. When we watch shows like “The Real Housewives of Vancouver” and participate in slamming the characters’ appearance, Botox and figures. When we compete for taken men. When the first default insult we can think of to describe a female foe is “fat bitch”. When the everyday dialogue that we have with our friends, our kids, and our family makes fun of other females because of their physical appearance. Every time we participate in these seemingly “harmless” behaviours and discourses, we are part of the vicious cycle that disempowers women.

We may not be able to change what the media chooses to present and publish, at least not overnight. But we can choose what media we consume. We can choose to continue supporting our “guilty pleasures” of trash reality TV, or not. And, we can choose to participate in conversations that focus on the accomplishments, inspiration and contributions of women instead of how botched their Botox is.

We need to stop tearing down other women because in society’s eyes, they aren’t skinny enough, pretty enough or young enough. If we don’t stop the vicious cycle, who will?

In my early twenties, the sitcom Sex and the City was my gospel. I admired the four women and what they stood for – strength, sexual freedom, independence and a glamourous lifestyle. These ladies were fierce, fun and fabulous. And in their five-inch Manolos, they were taking over Manhattan. Perhaps Carrie is to blame for my designer shoe obsession!

I admit that my choice of role models didn’t exactly steer me into making the best of decisions at times. Regardless of what stage I was in though, I was fortunate that my family instilled deep-rooted values that surfaced when I was ready to grow up. Also, I had my sisters to look up to as mentors. My oldest sister showed me the value of being humble, considerate and family oriented. While I’m still an ever-evolving student in this, I still recall the lesssons she taught me as I was growing up.

In terms of career, I followed my second sister’s footsteps religiously. Heck, I even worked at the same company she did. I looked at her drive, her ambition, independence and go-getting attitude and wanted to emulate that. So I did. Looking up to my sister has had great impact in the success I’ve had in the corporate world.

There is significant importance of having role models. That is, having the right role models. If you look up to self-destructive or morally corrupt people, you’ll make all the right decisions in going down the wrong path. Unfortunately, in our mainstream media, many stars are celebrated for their glamorous lifestyles, looks, sexuality, and fancy toys. Let’s take reality TV star, Kim Kardashian, for instance. I have nothing against her; however, if you take Kim for face value, she stands for excess, easy money, fame by sex tape, consumerism and marriages with a 3-month shelf life. Yet millions of young girls look up to her, and want to be like her. The type of example she sets for such girls, many who are impressionable, vulnerable and trying to discover their identity in the world is not a positive one.

On the other hand, if you have the right role models – people who are inspiring, who are making contributions to society, who have a strong moral compass – then you’ll likely make decisions that will take you towards a positive path of life.

When I watched the documentary, MisRepresentation, the film discussed the problem with the negative portrayal of women in the media. The lack of positive female role models has and continues to have seriously damaging effects on society. While I don’t discount looking to the media for inspirational examples, I think you can find inspiring people in your daily life. Role models do not have to be famous celebrities or media personalities. You can find inspirational mentors in your friends, coworkers and family. In addition, determining who your role models are does not mean you want to have an exact copy of their life. It means there is an aspect, quality or characteristic of theirs that you respect and admire, and you can use that as a guide in your own life.

Who are your role models, and why? When you look at someone that you find inspiring, what aspects of them do you want to embody and want to emulate?

The reality is, what we watch is not harmless. Whether we are conscious of it or not, the media we consume partially shapes our perceptions of reality and stereotypes. Some people are more media literate than others, however, there is a significant amount of people who absorb what they see and let such illusions shape their reality.

A show that highlights the allure, glamour and excitement of women who joke about being “gold-diggers”,  living in excess and hosting Botox parties is not a positive influence. Period. First, it is not a realistic picture of what women, especially Vancouver women are about. I know an abundance of smart, independent, beautiful, kind and responsible women who lead extremely interesting and inspiring lives. They work hard, they care for their friends and families, they build businesses that contribute back to the world, they lead teams, they are mentors and role models to a younger generation of women. That’s a more realistic picture of Vancouver women – but unfortunately, there is no reality show on them.

Second, when younger girls watch these reality TV stars (most who made their fortune from marriage), what message does that send? When it is sensationalized as it is on the show, the message is “marry a rich guy and you can have a luxurious life like me”. Granted, the character Jodie promotes independence and working hard for the life you want to create, but even she has been outcast as the “bully” and “bitch” of the show.

I’m not saying that the women on the show are bad people, however, the entire concept and success of the show is based on revealing the cattiness, drama, lewd and shocking behaviour of the women. Without that, there would be no ratings. Since the goal of the show is to use such elements for its success – you can imagine that showing the positive and inspiring side of these women are probably not a focus of the producers.

One of the main messages of the show that, well, to be frank, disgust me, is the glamorization of excess. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice, quality things. But I don’t celebrate in my “stuff”. I  am not impressed by materialistic things or fancy cars because at the end of the day, they are just things, albeit, shiny, name-brand things. It’s okay to enjoy luxury, but just remember that they don’t add to you as a person or make you any better.  And, if people like you more because of those things, then perhaps you should reconsider whose opinions you actually care about.

My sister told me something a long time ago that really stuck with me. “Only impressionable people are impressed.”

I’ll conclude with this. Go ahead and watch what you want to.  I won’t deny that some sleazy TV here and there can be entertaining and even comical. However, watch it with a lens of awareness. Don’t let what you see on the screen permeate your sense of reality. Don’t be so easily impressed. And remember that what you see is only a small part of the picture, so don’t take things for face value so easily.

Click here to read my article on Women’s Portrayal in the Media and Your Role In It

And I did just that. Fast forward to today, I am exercising, feeding my body with healthy, nutritious foods, surrounding myself with like-minded people, thinking positive thoughts and feeling gratitude and love every single day. I did not get here because I am lucky, or because I am built any stronger or more resilient than others going through the same experience. I got here because I made conscious decisions that steered me on the path of healing and forgiveness.

I think we can all relate on this subject because we have all been there. You would think that as you get older and have more relationships, that the heartaches would get easier to handle. But the reality is, the pain doesn’t lessen with each breakup, it’s just different. And while we cannot avoid the pain, we can choose a healthier recovery. The road to healing is very important so that the emotions are dealt with in a positive way and do not come back to haunt you in your future. Here are a few things that I found that helped me:

Eat Healthy
Some people deal with depression by over-eating, some deal with it by not eating. I fall into the latter category. I had no apetite and basically starved my body of the nutrients it needed. When your body is not getting fed properly with the vitamins and nutrients it needs to survive, your mood, energy and hormones are severely impacted. I found that once I started to eat well, not only did my body feel better, but my emotional state and mind felt better too. Our physical health is directly connected to our emotional and spiritual well-being. When one part is out of sorts, the others will be too.

Surround Yourself with People who Love You
Your natural instinct may be to isolate yourself and sulk in private, but this is probably the worst thing you can do. Community increases your feel-good hormones and studies show that talking can have healing effects. A UCLA study reveals that spending time with close friends causes the brain to release natural opioids, which are like the painkillers found in opium. When you lose the familiarity, daily routine and stability of a relationship, it is important that you surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, loved and cared for.

Allow Yourself to Mourn
Studies show that people who go through a breakup can experience cravings for their ex similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from. This can lead to intense distress and physiological as well as psychological discomfort. The pain can be consuming, and this can feel shameful. I take pride in the fact that I am a strong, solutions-oriented person, and not being able to just “get over” the pain was very uncomfortable for me. But I realized that everything I was feeling was normal and a part of being human, and learned to embrace the emotions. The emotions have to go somewhere and not releasing them results in it all just coming back in some toxic shape or form later on down the road. Allow yourself to mourn. Allow yourself to cry. After all, tears is just pain leaving the body.

Be the Right One
Many people use a rebound, a quick tryst or another relationship as a distraction. If that works for you, then all the more power to you. However, I think that this method is similar to the effects of putting on a band-aid. You do not heal anything, you just cover it up. Take the time to mourn, to heal, to deal with the issues that have been brought forward from the relationship. A breakup is a great way for you to reflect on yourself, your habits and what you want in life and in your next partner. If you yourself are not the right one, how can you expect to attract the right one? Work on loving yourself and finding yourself again, and the rest of the pieces will fall in place when it is supposed to.

Forgive
Your world can feel like it has turned upside down when suddenly the star of your dreams turns into the villain of your nightmares. I thought my biggest challenge would be to learn how to forgive the man who hurt me. Through time, therapy, writing, and doing things to nurture myself, I learned to have compassion for my ex. With this compassion, I was able to forgive. But forgiving him was surprisingly not the hardest part. Forgiving myself was. I realized that I was very hard on myself and lacked compassion towards my own self.

A slow, long process of getting myself back to a healthy state finally gave me the clarity I needed.  I saw that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I stopped blaming myself and forgave myself, realizing that my life was going according to plan. Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. When you finally let the blame and anger go, and see that everything is perfect just the way it is, you’ll feel a big weight lift off your shoulders.

Appreciate
Gratitude is one of the most powerful feelings that can transform the way in which you view reality. Even when you feel like you’ve lost someone in your life, if you look around you – you’ll notice how much wealth you have. When your mind keeps repeating negative thoughts, you have to put effort into changing that habit of thinking. Try writing down what you’re grateful for every day and you’ll find that suddenly, you start noticing things to be appreciative of that you’d normally take for granted. There is so much beauty and love that surrounds us, we just have to be open to noticing it. Be grateful for your experiences, the lessons learned and the people that come in and out of your life that help you grow stronger. They’re just preparing you for the person you are meant to be with, and the person you are meant to become.

And, if none of these tips work, try to remember one thing: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

Albom’s quote sums up perfectly one of the fundamental reasons why many in our society are unhappy. We are chasing the wrong things.

We have heard it all before in theory. We have seen the viral posts of the top regrets people have on their deathbed, and not once does “I wish I responded to that email during dinner” make it near that list.

We know that we should make more time for our family. We know we should tell our loved ones how much we appreciate them. We know we should do more to show our love and gratitude. We know we should slow down. We know we should be more present. We should. We should. But we don’t.

And we keep doing the same things that keep us in a cyclical quest for fulfillment and happiness – a circle that loops without end. We place work as a priority over relationships. Exercise, making time to see close friends or taking time for some R&R never quite makes it to the top of the “to do” list. The words “should” and “some day” repeat constantly in our vocabulary. We always keep some communication or entertainment device switched on so we feel productive with every waking moment we have.  We buy things. We get bored of those things. So we buy new things. Bigger, better, shinier things.

Yet we’re still not happy. Studies show that depression rates have tripled in the US in the last two decades. Anti-depressant prescriptions such as Prozac have increased by 40% in the last four years alone. It appears that people in North America are getting sadder, not happier. The current system of how we define happiness, and consequently our means of getting it…is simply not working.

Shawn Achor discusses in his book, The Happiness Advantage that the traditional mentality of “If I work harder, I’ll be more successful. If I’m more successful, then, I will be happier” is broken. He explains that every time your brain has a success you just change the goalpost of what success looks like. If happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there.

Achor isn’t implying that people stop working hard or creating financial and professional success. He is however, suggesting that if you base your happiness on success goals, you will never be happy, because that goalpost is a constant moving target.

In the rush of life, the race to the top, and with the perception that happiness is the result of success and materialistic milestones; we often forget that everything we need to be happy is already right in front of us. Our health, our family, our friends, our societal contributions, our perspective, and our gratitude – these are the ingredients for joy. Everything we need is right here, right now.

The question is, what are you doing with what you already have? Do you nurture your relationships or keep them on cruise control until a crash requires you to pay more attention? Are you proactive in maintaining good health or will you wait until illness gives you a wake up call? Are you present in the moments you share with the people you love?

Are you chasing the right things?

You may know Devon as the past co-owner and founder of the Blo, Blow Dry Bar enterprise. Or perhaps you’ve seen her featured in FLARE Magazine as one of Canada’s Top 13 Bright Young Things. Or maybe you just know her as the bubbly, positive, go-getting Vancouver girl who is always put together and well-spoken.

But what you probably don’t know about her is that she was brutally assaulted in two separate incidences at 18 and then again at 21, and went through a painstaking judicial process that eventually led to a guilty plea by both men. Because Devon always has a smile on her face and can find the humour in any situation, you probably also don’t know that she has over-come violence, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The startling reality is that 94% of people who experience sexual assault and rape do not come forward, let alone press charges. Devon is part the 6% who has. And on April 5, she will share her story and lessons learned in a presentation titled, “Talking Trauma, Transforming Truth” at TEDxKidsBC.

It takes courage to share your story. It takes strength to be vulnerable. Let’s congratulate and support Devon on this event that will inspire many.

We Were Told That Society Owed Us a Hot Girl
Every movie, TV show, comic book – heck, every piece of media consumed have the same storyline: “If the hero accomplishes his goals, he is awarded his favorite female.”

“From birth we’re taught that we’re owed a beautiful girl. We all think of ourselves as the hero of our own story, and we all (whether we admit it or not) think we’re heroes for just getting through our day.” Wong suggests that because of this ingrained perspective, when men don’t get what they are “owed”, it can get frustrating to the point of violence. It’s as if a contract has been broken.

He also points out that there are two ways to dehumanize a person: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.

We’re Trained from Birth to See You as Decoration
Wong states that there is a major difference between the perception of males and females. With men, there are some scenarios where looks don’t really matter. However, with women, it always matters. He uses the example of the public bashing of attractiveness level of Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan. That even when judging a female for a position on the highest court, she is still judged as her suitability as a sex partner.

“The female always has a dual role: to function as a person, and to act as decor.”

We Feel Powerless
“All those wars we fight? Sure, at the upper levels, in the halls of political power, they have some complicated reasons for wanting some piece of land or access to some resource. But on the ground? Well, let me ask you this — historically, when an army takes over a city, what happens to the women there?It’s all about you. All of it. All of civilization.

So where you see a world in which males dominate the boards of the Fortune 500, and own Congress, and sit at the head of all but a handful of the world’s nations, men see themselves as utterly helpless.

Because all of those powerful people only became powerful because they heard that women like power. This is really the heart of it, right here. This is why no amount of male domination will ever be enough, why no level of control or privilege or female submission will ever satisfy us. We can put you under a burqa, we can force you out of the workplace — it won’t matter. You’rtoe still all we think about, and that gives you power over us. And we resent you for it.”

The article provides interesting insight from a male’s point of view on why men, deep down inside, are trained and socialized by role models, the media and perceptions to resent and hate women. To find out more about how women are falsely portrayed in the media and what we can do about it, read my article here.

Your romantic partners reflect your deepest insecurities, desires, fears and hopes. They reflect you. They come in to your life and regardless if at the time you feel that they are leaving you better or worse, one thing is sure: they provide you with an opportunity to grow. And that opportunity is either yours to take or to ignore.

We have karma. We repeat scenarios, habits and situations. The people that we attract into our lives are a chance for us to change that karma. We can keep repeating the same habits and negative cycles, or we can grow beyond those blockages and become wiser, stronger and closer to our pure potential.

When you go through a breakup, it can be quite difficult to have this holistic perspective. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, and the choice you have after the experience is completely in your control. You can easily choose to block out your emotions, blame and harbour resentment. However, know that this route only harms yourself and taints the next relationship you will have in the future. Or, you can embrace your emotions, be honest with yourself, and ask yourself what you can do within to become healthier. After all, how can you attract the “right” one into your life, if you yourself are not the “right” one?

I went through a breakup six months ago that was extremely heart breaking. During that time, I couldn’t find a way to see past the darkness, anger and pain. But fast forward to today, I have to say that I’m thankful for the experience.  As challenging as it was, it made me so much stronger, and made me re-evaluate my life, my goals and my life vision.

That challenging period of my life helped me grow as an individual and open up my heart and mind. I made active choices that propelled me on a path of positivity, health and happiness. During the time of my heartache it sure didn’t feel good, but if it wasn’t for me hitting such a low, I would have never reached this new high. It’s as if I had to lose a part of myself to really find myself again. Today I feel as if I see the world through a different lens, and everything is a lot brighter and beautiful. Not that the beauty didn’t exist before, it’s just that I never stopped to notice and appreciate it.

I have realised that everything is perfect the way it is. The universe may have a funny way of showing this perfect plan, but everything happens, and doesn’t happen for a reason. And I truly believe that when one door closes, it’s because another was meant to open.

The relationships that don’t work out aren’t failures nor are they a waste of time. They are meant to happen because they are preparing you for the person you are meant to end up with, and the person you are meant to be. Regard these people as blessings, because they are like teachers and the lessons they leave are a gift. But ultimately, it is you who chooses how to perceive these experiences, and your happiness depends on that choice.

1. What’s the ROI on these social media initiatives?
2. Just get it designed via crowdsourcing.
3. Just copy that website.
4. Make the logo bigger.
5. Make the CTA bigger.
6. Can’t you write the copy yourself?
7. He/she is a social media expert. He/she will help us go viral.
8. Can you make us a trending topic?
9. Why don’t we just make a video and put it on YouTube?
10. Change it. I don’t like it. (no constructive points, reasoning or rationale on why)
11. Why don’t we have a foursquare / pinterest / flickr / youtube account ?
12. We need to increase our number of Facebook fans.
13. More descriptive text, please.
14. More adjectives, please.
15. Let’s do what [insert mega corporation with million dollar budgets here] is doing (but with no budget)
16. Let’s repeat our value points on the homepage twice so we make sure people see it.
17. And last but not least…  ”Can you make it go viral?“

Have one to add? Reply in the comments.

A few points in his talk that really resonated with me:

“It’s not the reality that shapes us but the lens through which your brain views the world that shapes your reality. If we change the lens not only can we our happiness. We can change every business and educational outcome at the same time.”

“90% of your long term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world. And if we change it, if we change our formula for happiness and success, we can change the way we can then affect reality.”

“The traditional model “If I work harder, I’ll be more successful. If I’m more successful, then, I will be happier is broken for two reasons:

1) Every time your brain has a success you just change the goalpost of what success looks like. If happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there.

2) Our brains work in the opposite order. Your brain at positive performs significantly better than at negative-neutral stress… If we can find a way to become positive in the present our brains work more successfully.”

“You can train your brain to be more positive. In 2 minutes span of time done for 21 days in a row you can actually rewire your brain. Write 3 new things of what you’re grateful for 21 days straight. At the end of that, your brain starts to retain a pattern of scanning the world for the positive and not the negative.”

His talk inspired me to try the exercise of practising gratitude to help rewire my brain. I’ve started “21 Days of Gratitude” – where every day, I write/draw three things that I’m thankful for. Not only is it rewarding for myself as I find myself more grateful and aware of everything I should be appreciative of, it also lets the people I am thankful for know what they mean to me.

Care to join me on this exercise? Leave a comment and share what your grateful for today!

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