A few years ago, I entered my first adult relationship. It took me a year to get to the point of allowing the person fully in to my life. And when I reached the point of saying the words “I love you” – it was my verbal commitment. They were words that came with promise and my usual pattern of quitting when the going got tough would not be part of my thought process. Through the thick and thin of it, I would always try to work it out. As some who have followed my blogs previously will know, that relationship came to an immediate end one day, and I felt that the person I invested my heart and energy in to abandoned and quit on me. It was extremely difficult for me to handle as I felt that the one time I changed my pattern and allowed myself to be vulnerable; I got hurt and punished for taking the harder road.

It was a time of my life where I felt so out of control as there was nothing I could do to make the painful feelings go away. I felt emotionally crippled, and told myself that I would avoid any future possibilities of me ending up in the same scenario again.

I dated and met different people, and each dating experience was a failure. Perhaps it was that I just never came across the right fit, but more likely it was because of my relentless effort to cut things off with anyone who showed a sign of potentially causing me pain or hurt. Consequently, things would never pass the dating phase because I’d cut things off usually before it could go any further than that.

In recent months, I have met someone and while it’s taken me some time, I’m comfortable applying the label of being “in a relationship”. The title to me comes with commitment and a decision of entering a partnership with someone with a certain mentality. It means that instead of “tossing it out” when a hiccup or obstacle appears, to approach with the attitude of working it out and moving forward. It’s a complete mentality shift for me. Getting to this point has taken me time, reflection and consciously quieting my brain and shutting off the stories that play in my head that are rooted in fear.

And while I’m in a healthy and positive relationship, to tell you the truth, the stories of my past, my insecurities of being quit on or being disposable, or my partner one day getting bored of me – those insecurities still exist, although quieter some days than others. To be honest, I’m so scared of being vulnerable again and having faith in someone who holds my heart is actually something I have to work hard at. And so far, each time a hiccup has occurred, my ego wants to first react but then I make a conscious decision to go against it and do what will work for the relationship. As my friend Jen positioned it eloquently, “think of what is a deal maker versus a deal breaker”.

Relationships, whether romantic or platonic are works in progress. The closest ones will never be a completely smooth ride as these relationships are part of your world to help you evolve and grow. Some relationships won’t make it, but some are worth putting aside the ego, the fears, insecurities and pride and working it through. The challenges are an opportunity for growth. And we have the power to choose whether we take the road of growth or the road of defeat.

**Picture found on weheartit.com

It is happening all across America and now in Europe and Africa as well – rural landowners wake up one day to find a lucrative offer from a multinational energy conglomerate wanting to lease their property. The Reason? In America, the company hopes to tap into a huge natural gas reservoir dubbed the Saudi Arabia of natural gas. Halliburton developed a way to get the gas out of the ground—a hydraulic drilling process called fracking—and suddenly America finds itself on the precipice of becoming an energy superpower.

But what comes out of the ground with that natural gas? How does it affect our air and drinking water? GASLAND is a powerful personal documentary that confronts these questions with spirit, strength, and a sense of humor. When filmmaker Josh Fox receives his cash offer in the mail, he travels across 32 states to meet other rural residents on the front lines of fracking. He discovers toxic streams, ruined aquifers, dying livestock, brutal illnesses, and kitchen sinks that burst into flame. He learns that all water is connected and perhaps some things are more valuable than money.

Private screening in Vancouver July 22. Message me for details.
Trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZe1AeH0Qz8

I’ve heard the argument from some of my male friends that Sex and the City is “ruining the young minds of females” in terms of how sex has been positioned. At first I didn’t agree, after all, it was a show that I thoroughly enjoyed, and just because characters on TV were having sex with anyone, anywhere any anytime they pleased, it didn’t mean that there was a direct correlation to the audience’s behavior. But is there?

I recall watching the sitcom when it first came out. Being a younger girl, I admit I thought it was so “cool” how Samantha was so sexually free and liberated. Men could be objects or toys to her and instead of her getting heartbroken or hung up over one guy who wasn’t in to her, she seemed to be so strong and had men at her disposal. So personally speaking, yes, the show did have influence on how appropriate and socially acceptable it was to be sexually “free” and casual. However, when you’re a young female, without much of an idea of who you really are and what you stand for, being so “casual” about sex and your body can really cause pain, confusion and low-self esteem.

A factor that girls seem to neglect is that characters like Samantha are over the age of 40, have an established career, a pretty strong idea of what they want and don’t want – and has made the decision that being casual about sex is what works. If you are a woman who has a strong sense of self, esteem and confidence and make the same choice, then hey, all the more power to you.

But unfortunately, many of the girls who watch and are influenced by Sex and the City may not be at such a phase in their lives, in fact, they’re really trying to create their identity and define their own boundaries. And in that case, then I do think the show can send out the wrong message.

Call me old fashioned, but perhaps as I’m growing older I’m reverting back to a more traditional stance, and I believe that the body is sacred and whether you are a male or female, you should be selective with whom you share it with. I have witnessed girls not hold enough respect for themselves and thinking that having sex is a way of having the guy like them more, or rush in to the physical realm before being emotionally ready and getting really hurt afterward.

I think many females can relate to doing this at some point, whether we’d like to admit it or not. We can say all we want that “it’s just sex” and that you can be completely detached emotionally from the physical act, but honestly, if the guy was to want to offer more or be extremely sweet and caring afterward, would you really not want to explore more of a commitment? One study seems to think so.
According to the study, after the first sexual encounter, women feel more attached and care more for the man. Men react differently however. For men who have had many sexual partners, “having sex for the first time with a woman leads to a decrease in his physical and sexual attraction for the woman: (Trees, Andrew. “Decoding Love”). Perhaps it’s due to evolutionary reasons dated beyond our time, where women are looking for a father to help raise children and men are trying to spread their “seed” to create offspring.

Of course, you always have to take such studies with a grain of salt, and there would be no committed relationships if this was always true. But it is interesting to think of the effects that sex can have on us that we may not admit.

I think the key is to just be really honest with yourself and make decisions that will serve you, not just in heat and lust of the moment, but in the long run. Find what works for you .You may think there is no emotion attached to the physical, but in reality, most of the times there is, and that misconception can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and damaging of the self-esteem. Respect your body and be respected. To me, that’s liberating.

World’s largest high-end hotel curator, Kiwi Collection is giving away the luxury hotel stay of a lifetime. Each week until August 1st, one lucky winner will win the ultimate hotel getaway of their choice, for a stay worth up to $10,000.

All you have to do is choose the hotel you’d want to win a stay at, according to the week’s current theme (think beach, romantic, foodie, spa and island).  But there’s more to the sweepstakes then just simply entering a ballot, you can share the contest on your social networks, and the more of your friends that enter from your unique link, the more additional ballots you receive. Definitely pays to be popular doesn’t it?
Enter here: www.kiwicollection.com/win/2010lc

When I reached highschool, I was obsessed with becoming popular and knowing the “right” people so that I would never be picked on again. I did just that, and started to hang out with people from out side of my school who were part of really bad crowds. I associated myself with people who intimidated others and felt a sense of “empowerment” because I seemed to be respected, albeit, for the wrong reasons.

I made some bad decisions, hung out with people I shouldn’t have, saw things I shouldn’t have, and grew up quickly. By age 21, two of my friends had been murdered. I finally came to my senses and realized that while I may have thought that my life was invincible, I couldn’t imagine what my family would go through if something ever happened to me because of the circle I was associating myself with. I realized that intimidation, sexuality, growing up in warp speed – these things did not give me empowerment or meaning. It was an empty facade that was fed by other empty, lost beings also searching for their place in life.

And while many people likely judged me along the way, I recognize now that I was just a scared little girl, wanting to fit in, looking to be accepted and wanting the one thing we’re all after…love.

I’ve learned that everyone has a story. Those who act tough, those who act like they’re invincible, those who are cruel to others. – each and every one of them has a story. People who inflict pain on others, who bully, who feel the need to demean – that root comes from somewhere.  Whether you are the bully or the bullied, both share a common denominator. Each person has their lot of insecurities and fears, which acts as the root of how we behave and interact with others. The easiest thing to do is to pass judgment, maybe even ridicule, but as human beings, with so much hate already out there, I think the one thing we really can do to contribute to this world is to play nice.

I saw a website lately, where the fundamental premise is to defame and insult people. My heart felt so sad when I saw it. Has it really come to this? Do grown ups really think that if it’s anonymous and online, that suddenly it’s okay to go back to the immaturity of grade school and bully others? These are real people, who have real feelings, insecurities and fears just like the rest of us. The minute you stoop to that level, you have just contributed to more hate and ugliness to our world.

I apologize if it sounds like I’m going on a rant or if I’m preaching. I just know how it feels to be bullied, teased and made fun of. That hurt almost caused me to have thoughts of suicide at the age of 10, and just because we are older now, it doesn’t mean that such cruel words may not have such an affect on someone.

As my friend SK told me, “We’re all after the same thing, love and acceptance”. It’s true. We’re on the same team guys. Let’s try to play nice.

There is no fee for the pick up/delivery as long as you meet a minimum service of $15.00. Prices are at par with regular dry-cleaning services – a basic shirt launder costs $3.25, a pair of pants $8.45 and a 2 piece suit is $18.95. You pay for service after you receive the clothes back with any major credit card.

In my day, the last thing I want to do is bother with dropping off and picking up my clothes and I was impressed with this business.  They are offering 10% off your first service with them – just note “Fabulous” as your refer source when submitting your order. Service is available to Downtown addresses with some special exceptions.

To get your clothes dry-cleaned, sign up with the address you’d like your pick-up from on http://www.dressedinblue.com/form.html and they will call to confirm your pick up time, or call 604-683-2583.

www.dressedinblue.com

A common complaint from my female friends is that a man puts his best foot forward during the chase and courtship.  In the beginning, they have all the time and attention in the world for you, they may wine and dine you, pay compliments and their words are nothing but sweet and complimentary.

But after time, when the relationship is solidified, and the man has “conquered”, something changes. Perhaps the man gets more comfortable and feels that there is no longer a need to keep up with the chivalry and extra effort, perhaps it’s just a natural progression of the different stages of love…

Of course, often the woman changes too. Whereas the first few months were full of lace and lingerie, easy going hangouts and late nights, fast forward a year and there then floods an influx of demands, routine, and sweatpants. Case of bait and switch?!

It seems as if sometimes, when you reach the stage where you’re comfortable in the relationship, there is a sense that “cruise control” is good enough. There is an idea that the relationship will maintain organically and subconsciously, and the amount of effort and energy once required to get the relationship started tapers off. This may work for some couples, however, what makes the difference from being just a “good” relationship and a “great” one, requires more than maintenance and reacting to issues. Instead, it’s being proactive and consciously making a daily effort to invest in the relationship. And in this day in age where your “I have no time” has become your mantra and you have more face time with your blackberry than human interaction, the choice to not let laziness or the excuse of the day take hold of your daily commitment is just that – a choice and a priority.

My friend told me, “relationships are like gardens.” – BV. They need to be trimmed, groomed, and occasionally, you see a plant or a fountain that just doesn’t fit anymore, and you move it, remove it or even replace it. The point is, the garden just grows wild and perhaps even with full of weeds if you don’t put the attention, love and care that is needed to keep it beautiful.

I couldn’t’ agree more. There are a few things I think are simple yet often overlooked when you hit the “comfort” zone of a relationship. Here’s some traditions I think make for great relationships and help harvest a beautiful garden.

Quality time – Make the effort and choice to provide undivided attention when together. While this may not be possible all the time, being distracted and non-present should be exceptions, not common occurrence.

Both people must be on the same page when committing to growing and investing in the relationship. If both people, everyday, think about how they can build the relationship and make the other person happy, the relationship will balance and flow.

Be polite and courteous. Never be derogatory or condescending even when joking around.

Give more than you take. Think of the other person before yourself. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes is the seed to compassion and empathy.

Don’t go to sleep upset.

Treat each other with respect, love and care.

Say what you mean. Do what you say. The minute you break a promise, even a small one, you lose trust. If you really want something, you’ll find a way. Excuses for not delivering mean you just didn’t want it badly enough.

Greet each other in a loving and excited way. I learned this from Tony Robbins. He made the comparison to how the excitement of when a dog greets you and how that increases happiness. I see how that really can set the tone. Imagine every time you walk through the door your partner greets you with the biggest hug and smile? What a great feeling.

And of course, communicate. Even the strongest love won’t prevail if there isn’t a healthy exchange of communication that is based in love and honesty, not pride and ego.

You are a jetsetter with places to go and people to meet. So, look the part. And just like your drink of choice, your luxury travel accessories can say a lot about you (well, at least the type of traveler you are). Here are three luggage options perfectly suited for the fashionista, the business traveler and the leisurely lady.

Fashionista: Polka dots are the latest leopard print, stripes are the new paisley, cobalt is the new black. With the trends changing faster than you can say the words “recessionista”, I’d suggest going with a brand and print that doesn’t have an expiry date, such as the classic Louis Vuitton Keepall bag. Just like fine wine, the signature Louis Vuitton leather only gets better with age.

WANT Olympic DeGaulle Bags

The Modern Business Traveler: The must-have travel accessory for the modern traveler is by WANT Les Essentiels de la Vie. The “new kid on the block”, this brand originates from Montreal and was launched in 2006. Using beautiful Norwegian leather and a clean, understated, design, these travel bags range from the $500 – $1700 range and can be found at leading luxury department stores such as Holt Renfrew, Barneys, Lane Crawford and Harvey Nichols. The various pockets and functionality of the bag makes it perfect for the business traveler. The latest from the brand, the limited edition WANT Olympic DeGaulle Bags comes with five interchangeable handles in yellow, blue, green, red and black, reflecting the colours of the Olympic rings, and gold hardware emulating the prized medals. Just another reason that makes WANT the “it bag” of 2010.

WANT Carry-on Bag

The Leisurely Lady: A week in the Hamptons would not be complete without the elegant and classic set by Globe-Trotter. Since 1987, the company’s philosophy is to never compromise the integrity of craftsmanship. Their designs are sleek and uniquely handmade, with each piece constructed from Vulcan Fibre – a material as light as aluminum yet as hard wearing as the finest leather. Definitely ideal for multiple outfit packing while ensuring your favorite Manolos are safely protected!

www.KiwiCollection.com

Thursday, May 6, 2010 at 7pm

Blue Water Cafe + Raw Bar (1095 Hamilton Street in Yaletown)

Purchase your ticket today for the Red Cross Red Carpet Soiree at www.rcsoiree.com or by calling 604-709-6624.

The on-line landscape changes dramatically and quickly, and you’d better be pretty Web-fit to keep up with the latest social networks, tools, and viral campaigns. Suddenly, MySpace is sooo yesterday and Google Buzz is slated to be the new black. Hi5 fizzled as quickly as it started, and, despite “experts” prophesying that Twitter would be just another fad, like it or not, life in 140 characters or less is here to stay.

Old-school ways of marketing and structured guidelines don’t apply in the social media sphere. This is definitely a challenge in the corporate world, where senior marketing folks’ knowledge of social media typically doesn’t extend further than reading articles about it and seeing their kids use it. Also, they’re uncomfortable with the lack of structure and planning that comes with the social media beast. Blog articles often don’t have a clear beginning or ending. They are written more like a casual conversation and are likely violating every scholastic and technical rule out there. It is a medium that defies most classical rules of writing and communication. Grammatical errors. Run-on sentences. Blasphemous? Unprofessional? Perhaps, if you’re writing for Harper’s or the New Yorker, but in social media, it’s the norm.

Has the reader changed or the media platform? I’d say they go hand in hand. Today, our generation sets up dates via text, RSVPs for parties via Facebook invitations, and gets news clips via Twitter feeds. We are bombarded by brands, logos, marketing messages, and companies who claim they understand us. Everyone’s a publisher, and there is an endless mountain of information and news to sift through in less time. We want our information in bites, with imagery to make it easier and more effective for us to process and comprehend. If a headline is over 140 characters, it is deemed long-winded.

In the marketing and business world, there are a few issues. Many marketing execs who have the authority to make decisions on social media strategy, resourcing, and direction are in the don’t-quite-get-it camp. Want to know if you’re one of them? Unless you’re a blogger yourself—and successful at it for that matter—and participate in social media on a regular basis, you likely don’t get it. Thus, you should enable the ones who do get it to make those decisions.

At the other extreme, there is an emergence of social media “experts” who claim they have the next social media solution that can save the day. Reality check. Social media is one form of engaging, participating in the dialogue, and building a community and following. It is one part of the marketing pie, and how big that slice is depends on the nature of your business and your objectives.

In conclusion, if you’re a company that’s riding on the social media bandwagon, make sure you have the people in place who have the creativity, the understanding of new media, and a voice and tone that is inviting to a broad audience. If you’re an individual trying to gain a following, make sure you have a personality behind your brand. That brand must be personable and relatable, and there should be value that you provide to your audience. Even though publishing a message to the world is as simple as the click of a button, always ask yourself if what you’re about to publish will give value to your audience or if it’s just polluting the digital universe.

Components of my life have changed dramatically – my home, my career, my headspace…I guess you can say, I’ve grown up. While I will always be the girl who gets excited over a cupcake, daydreams of ballerina twirls, wears her heart on her sleeve and believes that romantic, earth moving, unconditional love exists, I am also a woman who has made mistakes, wasted tears, held back due to fears but, fortunately, learned a lot during the ride.

Today, I look back on my year, and would like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

On work:

You can create your destiny. Determine and visualize where you want to be first and foremost as after, you can discover the steps needed to get there.

Calmness is an acquired skill. Train yourself to handle the most intense situations with a calm, cool and collected demeanor which others will find reassuring and comforting.

Confidence cannot be faked. It’s energy. What’s worse is if you are insecure about the value you provide and try to overcompensate by loud theatrics, unnecessary comments or go off on a tangent.

If you are on the agency/vendor side – NEVER get too comfortable. Remember, your relationship is business first and foremost. Dress appropriately and when in doubt, wear an undershirt. I am your client and do not want to see your hairy chest during a pitch.

Balance. Doesn’t matter how busy or important you are, if you don’t get some proper “me” time and balance – your work, productivity, output, relationships and efficiency will suffer in the long run.

Dress the part, act the part, talk the part, walk the part, be the part.

“Complaining is not a winning strategy”. Come with solutions and options, weigh the pros and cons of each. Move forward.

A lesson I learned while working at DDB and with my current company. Mediocrity or simply “good” is not enough. Strive for greatness. If you cannot say that you’re proud of what you’ve produced, then don’t bother.

If it’s your profession, do not be afraid to ask for compensation for your services, ideas or expertise. Your time is money, don’t just give it to anyone.

There is a difference between being aggressive and assertive. As a woman, don’t overcompensate for your insecurity or fear by acting aggressive and bitchy. Be assertive – know your value, ask for what you want and have the data to back up your requests.

Always be prepared to pitch.

When I’m about to get emotional or take something personally over a work situation, I take a pause and ask, “What would a man do in this situation?” It helps me remove the sensitivity, hormones and unnecessary drama to move forward.

On Friends:

Your community is a key pillar in your joy, empowerment and happiness. Be open, share, give, contribute, bring value and appreciate.

Don’t be the chick who disappears off the face of the earth once you have a boyfriend. It’s lame, it’s old and quality friends don’t deserve that.

If you always come to the table thinking of what you can do to give and to make the other person happy, you will always win. The ones who are takers and who don’t add value to your life will eventually weed out.

As you grow, you can also grow out of your friendships. People change and grow apart, that’s just a fact of life. Don’t feel guilt or do things out of obligation because of that.

Make effort. Invest in your relationships with key friends.

On Love and Men…

“The most important relationship is the one with yourself.” Work on yourself, learn, grow, and once you are at a place of contentment and self love, that is when you truly ready to create love with another. No one can fix you, at least not for long.

Have standards, not expectations. Standards is a level of quality, respect and value exchange that are non- negotiables. You deserve to be treated the way you treat others. Expectations are the check list of unrealistic ideals and demands which is often rooted in a sense of entitlement.

Likes likes like. You like people because they resemble the parts you like about yourself. You also dislike people for this very reason. Who you are drawn to and draw in, are thus entirely due to your own energy.

Know your needs, values and non-negotiables. If there is a conflict of what needs can and cannot be fulfilled, it’s best to be honest and address it earlier than later. You have three options, one person changes, you accept the situation entirely for what it is, or you remove yourself from the situation.

Do what you say. Say what you mean.

Don’t ever take each other for granted. That’s giving up. Always try.

Know your language of love and what your partner’s language of love is. You can make effort to show your love in the language they understand (quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and words of affirmation).

You allow people to treat you the way they do.

Show compassion.

Relationships don’t go on cruise control. They need constant attention, care and effort. Whether this means dates, surprises, spontaneity or taking up a hobby to grow together, find ways to keep it exciting.

Always want the best for your partner and wish happiness for them. Even if this means at times you have to compromise, watch a movie you don’t want to or be patient with your needs.

Guys – when a girl is upset, insecure or just needing attention, sometimes all she really wants is a huge hug that tells her everything is going to be okay and reassurance of your feelings and support.

Every real man, has a plan. Have faith.

On Feeling Fabulous

Make an effort on your presentation. Laziness is not an excuse.

Be thankful everyday and share your feelings of gratitude with people the people who touch your life.

Give. Engage in random acts of kindness. Help people. Be kind and generous without expecting anything in return. Karma will come back to you ten fold.

Have a clean home and tidy desk.

Seek the goodness in others. People will become what you expect of them.

Do thoughtful things that will make others happy. Happiness is contagious.

Thank you…

I’m now on my 8th month of being a published writer in the 24 Hours. Thank you to all the kind strangers who have read my blogs and shared with me your own stories, heartaches, growth, inspiration and love.

To my friends, my amazing sisters, and community – thank you for showering me with love and kindness. I feel so strong, empowered and fortunate because you are a part of my life.

And then when you’re in a relationship, there are often expectations and and an uncomfortable sense of pressure around the occasion. Well, I’ve decided this year, that Valentine’s day really should be a day like all others – a day of love, appreciation and affection. You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to celebrate your friends, your family and even strangers – who are all sources of love that surround you.

To be happy on this commercialized holiday, I find there are a few key ingredients for a fool proof happy February 14th.

1. Have low expectations

2. Tell at least 5 people in your life that you love them

3. Just be….with love. Be it, act it, think it, embrace it and be open to it

Happy love day everyone. May your year be filled with affection, quality time, appreciation and love.

The challenge with many of the ramen shops in Vancouver are the long line ups. At Benkei, perhaps due to a larger space or the fact that it is still fairly new, I was able to get a table within 5 minutes. That’s record breaking ramen time.

Go hungry and don’t forget to get your ramen stamp card filled!

The latest addition to the Yaletown neighborhood is Bombay Brow Bar – a modern, charming and hip brow boutique. For $23, you are treated to perfectly sculpted brows, a calming forehead indian massage, and complimentary make up retouching – all while sipping on a cup of chai, of course.

Boys don’t feel neglected, there’s brow lovin’ for you too! Unibrow days are long gone with Bombay’s $19 brow service for men.

A well groomed brow shapes and frames your face. Get brow beautified.

Bombay Brow Bar – 1056 Mainland Street in Yaletown (across from Glowbal Restaurant)

www.bombaybrowbar.com

You allow people to treat you the way they do. Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. I know many women, who have settled for less, and simply “accepted” cards dealt because deep inside, they don’t believe they deserve more. I’m sure you know of someone, who seems to have it all together in their life, but when it come to relationships, they just can’t seem to shake the habit of dating douchebags and douchettes.

In my life, I’ve created my destiny within my career, friendships and community. With friends, I’ve really embraced the fact that friends are all unique pieces of a pie. Some will be lifetime friends that are next to family, some are social friends, some acquaintances. I’ve learned to appreciate the various types and unique forms of value each friend brings, and as well as a system of how much and what kind of energy I invest to whom. I am blessed with the best friends ever, but that inner circle is sacred and thoughtfully selective.

However, in my relationships with men, I’ve witnessed myself apply a different system – if you can even call it a system at that. I’ve tolerated men who don’t appreciate me, who don’t value my heart, who take and take, who don’t call back, who have disrespected me – I’ve allowed men to not treat me what I’m worth. This is all a matter of self-esteem and my sense of self worth in the realm of being a woman in a romantic relationship. I’ve made excuses, justified, and eagerly re-entered the game of push and pull with men who clearly don’t really value me much at all. And you know what, it sucks and feels pretty crappy at the end – chipping away the low self-esteem that got me there in the first place even more.

It took me 28 years of being hungry for love, even desperate for it at times, heart aches, heart tramples, picking up that phone when every cell in your body knows it’s the unhealthy thing to do, obsessing, infactuating, idealizing – you name it, for me to finally wake up, and realize, that my most important relationship, is the one with myself.

I’ve learned to embrace self love. And while I’ll always be a perpetual student in this journey, I’ve made the decision to apply my successful method in dealing with friendships and business to how I do my relationships. I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am and have learned that I am “perfect” the way I am, right now, right here. I will constantly be growing, evolving and working on bad habits, but those flaws, those imperfections are part of the beauty that makes me, me. I can now easily recognize men who are drawn to me only for the best of me, and as Marilyn Munroe best put it, “…If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

If I could talk to my younger self – that girl desperate for love and therefore often blinded by ideas, fabrications and untruths in order to try and capture it, I’d tell her:

“Amy, love will come to you, when you learn to love yourself, first and foremost”.

I can’t go back in time to correct my mistakes, but I can today share what I’ve learned with younger women, some who may have a misconstrued idea that giving their body away carelessly can equal love. In the words of my wise friend SK – “Be the gatekeeper”. Your heart is a precious gift. Your body is a temple. Be selective. Respect it and be respected. Love yourself and be loved. It you don’t respect and love yourself first, building a healthy relationship with another is like building a house with no foundation – eventually the cracks and lack of a strong base will eventually cause it to crumble.

Know your value and don’t accept being treated in a way less than you deserve. Now, I don’t mean to start going out there with unrealistic expectations, demands and a sense of entitlement. I am saying that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and vice versa. The minute you negotiate your self worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don’t deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins. Change for yourself and of course, friends and partners are great mirror reflections that help you grow. But don’t change out of the wrong reasons to appease someone or in hopes that they will like you more – if they judge you for who you are now – they aren’t your fit. I’ll end off with a quote that is an inspiring reminder:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” – Sex in the City

Named one of North America’s Top Ten Chocolatiers by Dessert Professional Magazine, all Thomas Haas creations are baked fresh daily on premises. The perfect spot for a Sunday hot chocolate and truffle session…

I found these words very interesting and true – when we do something – what is the real intention behind it? When you give to someone – whether that be a gift, your energy or your words – is it from a place of sincerity, of no expectations… of love? Or, when you dig deeper, is it actually because you want to be liked or accepted, or expect something in return?

First, let’s talk about the act of giving. I consider myself an extremely generous and giving person and I admit, that at various times in my life, I have given (with the delusion that the act was coming from a pure place), when really, it was calculated or with condition. In other words, the act was fear based. And at the end, I would feel “taken” from, even victimized, if the energy/favour wasn’t reciprocated in return.

I’ve learned that there is a lot of joy and fulfillment that comes from the form of giving that comes from a place of love and sincerity. Meaning, whether that be the initiation of communication, a gift or an act of service – you hold no expectation of what follows afterwards. You don’t feel fulfilled from what they give back or how they react – you feel fulfilled because you know you helped or made someone feel a little more at ease, cared for or loved in some way. That, which is an act that is love based never comes with the feeling of being “jipped” afterwards nor result in pain.

In no way am I saying that one should keep giving to energy vampires, constant takers or those who encompass a conflicting value set in regards to generosity and sharing. Nor am I saying that you should not be selective with who you share your energy with. I believe that those who cannot give love are unable to truly receive it. It is like giving to a bottomless pit or an insatiable appetite that is always hungry for more. I believe in being kind to others, perfect strangers included, but when it involves investing a substantial part of your heart, soul and energy, know that when you are depleted, you lack the resources needed for your own self nourishment. If you do give a part of you –whatever form that may take – and you feel taken advantage of, victimized or “ripped off” – ask yourself truthfully what place that act really came from.

Next, I’d like to talk about control – which is a major ingredient in many acts and decisions we choose to make. I think often, control is mistakenly equated to empowerment. I am not referring to the kind of control in terms of self discipline, leadership, etc. I’m talking about the dark, ugly kind of control. The kind that is rooted in insecurity, which again, is based in fear. And out of that Pandora’s Box, is where jealousy and the “need” to exert power over another is born. You see this in many relationships – where lack of trust, faith and security creates a power struggle, an off-balance and a blockage of flow.

We all have insecurities, it’s a part of being human, but we can either let those insecurities rule us or not. The more you try to mask your insecurity by exerting a contrived sense of control, the more insecurity and fear based your actions become. Next time before you make a conscious decision that involves another being, ask yourself truthfully, if it is fear based or love based. Call it karma, call it the unspoken laws of the universe, but at some point, in some shape or form, love will breed love, and negativity and breed negativity.

Disclaimer:

If you are an already established douchebag, sensitive to sarcastic and un-PC language or just plain angry, I recommend you stop reading. If you continue to read, but proceed to get mad anyway, please skip to the BONUS point.

1.
You ride your obnoxiously loud motorcycle up and down the streets of Yaletown. FYI: the higher the decibels of your big bad engine revving do not increase your manliness or package size. You’re a douchebag.

2.
You find it a fine accomplishment that you get completely obliterated 4 times a week and feel the need to constantly brag on every social medium to announce the hardcore partyer that you are. Bravo.

3.
Bedazzled anything. Enough said.

4.
You use your drug dealing income to front a tanning salon for your blond asian girlfriend.

5.
You are a dad over 55 and bring your sons (all under the age of 23) to Vegas, point at the silicone busting naked girls and pant, “GO GET YERSELF ONE OF THOSE BOYZZZ”

6.
While in that same Vegas pool, you scream at my best friend “Show me YER TITS! C’MON – It’s the 4th of July!”

7.
You walk with that mighty chest puffed out with your gangsta pirate swagger while your deep cut beater tank reveals your Celtic / tribal / dragon tattoos

8.
You use the following phrases “Bitchezzz”, “get WASTED” and “let’s DOOO dis!” in one complete sentence.

9.
You’re merely over the teenage acne phase yet shout cat calls out at me while I’m walking with my mom.

10.
You sport any of the following: LV man purse, Gucci Sling Bag, Christian Audigier, Ed Hardy, True Religion Jeans or belts with a HUGE IceBerg buckle. And, if you sport all of them simultaneously, you win first prize!

11.
You hock your spit on the sidewalk, allow doors to slam on the person walking behind you and yell at service staff – that makes you a Douchebag plus asshole in one.

12.
Uber gay lip pout and gang sign hand signal in all of your pics (oh you know the “Wessssiiddde” symbol I’m talking about) – that’s in the manual right?

BONUS: Closet douchebag alert – You take out your insecurity based frustrations by reading my articles and sending me insulting, grammatically incorrect messages signed anonymous. My advice is you start at number one on the list again, and REPEAT.

Signed,

Amy Shameless

“I don’t love you anymore.”

“I no longer want to spend the rest of my life… with you.”

I can still remember the blur, the feeling, the crushing physical pain that shocked through my heart… the numbness. Within a matter of five words, my entire world, the reality that I based my life around – was shattered.

Just…like…that.

I thought I would eventually just run out of tears – I mean, was it even possible for a girl to cry so much, and still have more tears left to shed? In all honesty, I didn’t see it coming. Quitting, not working things out – those were not even options that crossed my mind even in the toughest times. The ironic thing is, it ended when I thought things were going so well. Perhaps I was in denial; perhaps my commitment to fight for something I believed in, and my devotion to honor loyalty and commitment outweighed my rationale.

I felt like I had lost my best friend, I doubted myself and questioned if “I was good enough”. I wondered what was so wrong with me – that someone who had once envisioned an entire lifetime together, could just change their mind in what seemed like an impulsive instant.

I was broken for a long while, even if I didn’t show it to the world, and nothing could fix me.  One night, I found out he had moved on – and offered that same world that was once painted for me…to another person. If I had thought before that I couldn’t be broken anymore, I found out that night I was wrong. Shattered in a million pieces again – there I was, on the floor of my bathroom, in my beautiful vintage dress, crying and crying and crying some more…I felt so alone.

But eventually, piece by piece, I started to come together again. Time was my glue, along with amazing friends, self reflection and planting seeds of joy that were not dependant on external variables. Today, marks a year later, and I’m happy and proud to say, that those seeds have really started to sow.

A year later, I have deepened my friendships with existing friends, cultivated relationships with new friends, opened up to meeting different people, and have built a community that is based on value exchange, growth and support. I sold my condo – a property I had purchased for all the wrong reasons and have moved in to a loft that finally feels like home. In my career, I held out moving to another company until the absolute right fit came along, and that time has come. I’ve accepted an amazing opportunity at my dream job.

And in my heart, I feel content. Before, I was always either looking for someone, with someone or missing someone.  For the first time in my life, I am happy being just as I am. And while things are really on the right track, I feel that even if I lost the external factors – I’d still get up and adapt…my joy is my own.

A year later, I can look back and see clearly how the longevity of that relationship didn’t happen for a reason. I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot lose yourself and change the person you once were. Despite the many laughs and beautiful moments we shared, at the very truth of it, it didn’t fit. And I knew that deep down – whether I wanted to admit it or not. So did he.  He just chose to face the truth.

If you’re reading this, and going through a similar experience, I hope that this piece gives you some hope and maybe some relief – that yes, it sucks right now as you’re going through it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And as you slowly reach it, things just start to make sense more and more. You grow so much, and when you look back, all you have are your lessons learned, the clarity to make better choices and the knowing that you handled yourself with grace, with class and without regret.

We are all familiar with the old adage, “Everything happens for a reason”. But the opposite is also true. “Everything doesn’t happen for a reason”. When something doesn’t work out according to plan, it’s natural for us to feel upset, slighted, or unfairly punished by the universe, but when you eventually get through it and look back, in retrospect you realize how one door didn’t open because you were meant to walk through another.