When I reflect on the majority of conflict in my closest relationships, I have realized that the majority of them stem from one thing – a fundamental difference in value sets. What is right and what is wrong – is all birthed from the root of where our values lie. When someone is doing something that we deem completely wrong and feel slighted by (whether that be lying, snooping, forgetting, etc) – in our frustration we forget that their behavior may stem from a different set of values, guiding principles (or lack of) and habits. Your values shape how you choose to do life, and subsequently, what defines “right” and “wrong” to you. My definition of what is “right” and how one should think, act or behave may be completely different from the person next to me. Is one more “right” than the other? Basic moral ethics not included, probably not, you are only “right” according to your definition of what “right” is.

So just because two people have a different idea on values and what is right/wrong…is that relationship doomed? Well that depends, you either accept it and with patience and understanding accept that there will may be another “breach” in your values…or you realize that there are some things that are non negotiable and cannot be compromised.

We’ve all heard the saying “opposites attract”, but in reality this isn’t actually the case. In fact, studies show that married couples who have non similar value sets have a much higher rate of divorce than those who share similar values and beliefs (Trees, Andrew, “Decoding Love”). My entire life, I’ve never really had a strategy on how I approach romantic relationships. Pretty much if an opportunity presented itself and there were feelings strong enough, I’d be open to it. However, going forward, I will use the same strategy in how I approach my friendships and business relationships; see if there is a similar/complimentary set of values first and foremost and then determine whether to move forward or not.

So the criticism is that people can change or learn, and you may be missing out on someone great because of such a filtering system. Maybe so, and maybe I’ll miss out on some fun and adventures, but at this stage in my life, I think I’d rather know upfront if there is a clash in values versus finding out 2 years down the road.