Once upon a time, you believed in love, in happy endings, in infinite possibilities shared with another. You gave your all – your heart open, your soul vulnerable. But then, on a day which will be scarred in your memory forever, your heart is broken. Perhaps the issues that were never dealt with in the relationship pushes the other person to cheat, or maybe you finally realized that you were living a lie. Maybe he treats you with disrespect, but you continue to take it because your self esteem is so shot you forget your worth. Then one day, you hit that point when you realize you cannot endure the pain any longer. You vow to never let someone hurt you again. You vow to never let yourself feel so powerless and out of control again.

Jaded, your mind subconsciously puts up walls and defense mechanisms. Those walls react any time there is possibility that you may get hurt, but they forget to come down when the opportunity of something wonderful comes along. After a while, you get so used to pushing everyone away, tucking away any possibility of emotional attachment, that you forget how to feel.

And when you least expect it, you come across something special with another. For once, you are adored, you are respected and are valued as the priceless gem you really are. You are accepted for you – your flaws are not seen as deficiencies but as human imperfections. You are not used to being treated this way, as your last memory of someone coming close was a negative one. So you push this person away. You remain detached waiting for the time where he will slipup will come. You are prepared to cut them out of your life at the first sign of danger and can do so coldly. You appear strong and in control on the outside, but really, your behavior is disguised weakness, insecurity and fear.

The pain and negativity you are used to experiencing from the past becomes comfortable to you, so when this positivity comes along, you do not know what to do with it. Bewildered, you doubt its possibility and look for the part where you get fucked over so you can tell yourself, See, I knew that would happen. You think you are being wise by setting yourself up to expect the same bad experience to happen again. But while you are being stubborn in that mentality, you are blocking what can be such a great experience and pushing away the one person who doesnt deserve to be treated that way.

I hope for those who reading this, that you do not let a bruised self esteem and jaded past stop you from opportunities. The irony is, as I write this, I know Im doing exactly the opposite of the advice I give. I am impossible and detached so that no one can come close to me. I am waiting for that signal to take flight. And perhaps part of the reason why I cut the other person off is because deep down inside I want to see if someone will fight for me. Its my insecurity asking in the most immature way ever, do you really think Im worth it?