In the last few weeks, I have gone through some obstacles and challenges that have evoked a flood of emotions within me. Some of these emotions I have experienced before and have created habits and defense mechanisms with dealing with them (or should I say, not dealing with them). Some of these emotions are new and some just now being uncovered.

I have learned that I have developed coping mechanisms and ways to avoid pain, hurt or disappointment. However, these walls and strategies that are so ingrained in me that they are now habit, while at times have helped me, many times have been destructive or negative. I decided that I’m going to act and react differently through these recent tests from the universe, and the approach I choose can be summed up in the answer to the question, “What would Audrey do?”

That answer is to approach people, situations and emotions with grace, with class and with maturity – all characteristics of the iconic Audrey Hepburn. This means that instead of simply reacting to the other person’s state and consequently being controlled by an external force, to do the right and mature thing according to your values.

In relationships, I have created habits of acting like a child when I’m unhappy about a situation. This includes pouting, threatening to leave, getting angry, crying, and if all that doesn’t work, yelling or increasing the magnitude of whatever hurtful thing I could do to get a reaction. Does this behavior get a reaction? Sure it does. Is it a reaction that makes you ultimately happier or positive in the end?  Definitely not.

Have there been times in the last few weeks when I’ve fallen back in to my old habits of dealing with anger and pain in negative and hurtful reactions? Yes. But I’m learning to be aware of my reactions – and  when I respond in a calm, and compassionate way, I pay attention to how I feel when using that approach. Doing that helps me link a positive emotion with that new behavior, creating a connection/association. Eventually through time and practice, my new approach will replace my old negative habit.

During heated moments, arguments and frustrations, it is easy and almost instinctive to go into a place of defensiveness, fight mode and an irrational desire to inflict pain on the other person. When we allow ourselves to continue on that negative path, the result is almost always two people who are left angry, hurt and upset. Yet we continue to react this way even when we know we won’t be happier in the end due to our pride, ego and defense mechanisms. If we were to respond with what would make us the happiest in the end, we would approach these situations a lot differently, and as a result, be a lot more peaceful and happier as an outcome.