Only you hold the key.

Today is my mom’s birthday. We had a nice dinner at Yuji’s on West 4th and afterwards went to my grandma’s beacause my baby cousin made her a birthday card. It was very sweet.

We had some time alone together and I asked her, “if you went to school, do you think your life would be different”. She replied…”of course, if i went to school, my entire life would have taken another course”.

She went on and told me the story about her past and her lack of choices.

She moved to Brazil from China at age 11. For the next 8 years of her life, she would work 12 hours a day for 7 days a week for her father (my grandfather). She would be mentally abused by her dad and treated like an outcast of the family. When she was 18, her dad wanted her to hurry up and get married so she wouldn’t be a burden on the family (ironic because she worked for free for him for 8 years). He would try and force her to marry and saw anyone who was able to provide as a potential candidate, even 40 year old men with black teeth (no, really, he tried to force her to marry a 40 year old butcher who had rotten black teeth)!

In her group of friends, there was a guy who adored her from afar. My mom told me with a sparkle in her eye how they became good friends and how happy she’d be when he’d pick her up and they would just hang out and talk. Once her dad found out that she liked this young and poor guy, he yelled at her and forbid her to see him again. After threatening her, my mom cried and cried. Then, that guy called the house.Her dad grabbed the phone and yelled at him to never contact his daughter again. She called him back later and all she could do was sob. He understood. After that day they never spoke again
My mom’s life was so miserable at home, she knew the only way she could leave was to get married. Her dad was pressuring her more and more. Then, she met my dad. 3 months later, they got married.

I asked her today, do you ever wonder about that guy that you liked when you were young?

She became very silent. I saw her eyes water. After a long silence, she said “Who know’s what would have happened. It might not have worked anyway”. That’s my mom, always trying to be strong. But the look in her eyes told me what her heart really felt.

My mom grew up without choices. Her life was about sacrifice and living for others. She never had a childhood, she never experienced the fun, the joy, the butterflies of love, the empowerment of education…and all the things that we forget are priviledges. She was born like a seed without proper sunlight to grow, but bloomed anyway to become a strong and beautiful flower. She doesn’t resent or hold anger towards her dad and to this day, treats him with only care and respect. My mom is my hero because despite the way she was treated and the adversity she faced, she still continues to give love.

Our generation is so fortunate. We have the gift of choice. We have it so good that we complain about the mundane and forget that what we have are privledges. We choose to be negative and unhappy when we should feel lucky that we do not have to fight for survival like our parents and grandparents did. We hold resentment and anger towards people we feel wronged us, as if we are a victim and that other people or external factors are the reason why we are unhappy. We think that if we had a better upbringing, a better job, better friends, a good boyfriend, that we would have a better life and be happy and fulfilled.

We are so busy blaming external factors for our misery and searching for external factors to be the key to our fulfillment and happiness that we do not realise that what we are looking for can only be reached from within. No one and nothing – not a boyfriend, not a job, not a new outfit… – nothing external can be the source of your happiness…it must be created from within yourself. Only you, hold the key.

We have the gift of choice and we can create in our minds how we want to live our life and if whether we want that journey to be a fun and positive journey or a dark and negative one.